For the next eight weeks, Abra and Adam took turns visiting each other and every visit strengthened their relationship. When they were in New York, they had a whirlwind of social activities, going to shows, or out with Adam’s friends. When they were in Fairfax, they spent most of the weekends in bed.
To prove to Abra that she could like sports, Adam took her to a Knicks game. Because she thought she might get bored, she brought a book in her purse, but she found the fast-paced game exciting and people watching entertaining, especially the celebrities. Adam told her that if she read a book at the game, he would burn it right at their seats, even though he didn’t have matches or a lighter. He’d find two sticks and rub them together. Adam was a yeller like most of the people in the audience. He screamed things to the refs that he would never say to anyone face-to-face. Toward the end of the tied game, Abra joined the yelling. On the way back to his apartment, Abra said, “Ok. I liked the game. I suppose I like basketball. Now we’ll have to check out baseball and football. How about crossword puzzles? There’s a competition in that area here in New York. No, I suppose that would be really boring. You’d end up bringing a book.”
Another weekend they had dinner with Jeff and Roy at their glamorous apartment in a glass tower on the East Side. Beth had emailed Jeff that Abra was in New York frequently because of a new boyfriend so Jeff emailed Abra and they made plans to get together. Abra was overwhelmed by the splendor of the building and the apartment. Jeff, being a much sought after interior designer by the rich and famous, had created a work of art out of six rooms towering over Manhattan. Jeff, being a fabulously successful stock broker, provided the funds for Jeff’s creation. They even had a butler who served dinner which had been cooked by their personal chef. Abra laughed to Jeff, “I can’t believe that the big man on campus of Jackson College is now the big man of Manhattan glitzerati. You’ve come a long way little brother. And the butler and chef are really off the top. I know that Beth hasn’t visited, but has Linda been here?”
“Yes, and she was in a daze. She kept saying over and over, ‘What would your father have thought of all this?’ I really don’t know, but he would have been happy for me because I’m so happy. I’d be happy with Roy even if we were poor. Oh shit, that’s a lie. I would still love him, but living like this makes it a hell of a lot easier.”
Even Adam, who knew many of the rich and famous, was impressed. Roy and Adam found that they knew a number of people in common, and that some of Roy’s associates and friends had used Adam’s law firm. After a warm evening of Jeff’s stories about clients and their outrageous demands, including where to place a stuffed menagerie of former pets for a famous fading actress, they parted with hugs and kisses and promises to attend their August wedding in Provincetown. As they were leaving Jeff whispered in Abra’s ear, “I’ve never seen you so happy. You’re glowing. He’s a great guy. Treasure him.”
Abra knew that they couldn’t maintain their weekend relationship. She had to make a decision about the future and she had to make it soon because she needed to inform the Fairfax schools that she wouldn’t be back for the next school year so they could get a replacement for her. She hated feeling pressured, but she couldn’t resign after the start of the school year. She felt that would be unethical, and Abra always prided herself on doing the right thing.
In her usual methodical way, Abra made a list of the reasons she should move to New York and the reasons she shouldn’t move. The “shouldn’t move” list included:
1.I don’t like New York City. It’s a nice place to visit, but I don’t like the idea of living there. It’s congested, dirty, noisy, expensive, and impersonal.
2.I hate to leave my job. I love it and the people I work with.
3.I’ll never find a job as good as the one I have now.
4.I’ll have to get an apartment in New York and rents are astronomical.
5.There’s no cheap shopping and everything is grossly overpriced.
There was only one item on the “should move” list:
1. I love Adam and can’t live without him.
The next weekend was Abra’s turn to go to New York. On Thursday, she called Adam and said, “There’s something we need to discuss tomorrow.”
Adam said, “Tell me now.”
Abra somberly said, “I can’t. We need to talk face-to-face. There’s a lot of stuff we have to talk about.”
When Abra got to Adam’s apartment the next day, she unlocked the door and found Adam sitting on the sofa with his face in his hands. When he looked up, she saw that something terrible had happened. She ran to him, “Adam, what happened? Is something wrong with your mom or dad? Are you sick?”
“Abra, are you breaking up with me?”
“What? Are you crazy?” She started laughing hysterically and threw her arms around him. “What made you think that?”
“When you said you had to talk to me about something important, I thought the worst. My high school fat boy insecurity is always just below the surface. I don’t know what I’d do if you broke up with me. It scares me to think of life without you.”
“You idiot. I want to make plans for moving here.”
“Oh my God. That’s the best news in the world.” Every trace of anxiety on his face disappeared instantly.
“I need to decide soon about moving here. I can’t put it off any longer. If I’m going to quit my job, I have to do it now so they can get a replacement. I made a list of reasons why I should move to New York and reasons why I shouldn’t.” She read the shouldn’t move list first, and then she said, “There’s only one item on the should move list. I love Adam and I can’t live without him.”
“Oh Abra, you don’t know how happy you’ve made me. I’ve been crazy all day not knowing what you had to tell me. Did you do this to torture me on purpose?”
“No. I’m not the most rational person right now, just thinking of all the things I have to do. It’s not easy changing everything in your life.”
“Abra, there’s nothing I could do about you living in New York. It’s where I have to live to make my living. I grew up here and it’s home. My family and friends are here. I can’t imagine living anyplace else. I think with time you’ll come to like it, maybe not love it, but like it. We can go other places whenever we have time off. You love the ocean so we can go to my folks’ place in Montauk on weekends. I know you love Sullivan’s Island and we can go there every summer. And you can certainly drive to New Jersey to shop at your beloved cheap stores.
I can’t guarantee you’ll get a job that you’ll love as much as Fairfax, but my father and I have a lot of contacts in the city and I think we can help you find something. And the high rents can be taken care of by having you move in with me. If we’re going to start our new life, we need to share everything from the beginning.”
Adam cradled Abra’s face in his hands and said, “I was thinking that Aunt Edith’s death led to something very good. Us. We wouldn’t have met again if she hadn’t died at this time in our lives. We would have gone on living our separate existences. She brought us together.”
“You’re right. If she died years from now, you’d be married to one of the Jewish American professional princesses your mom would have found for you and I would be further entrenched in my solitary life. God took someone precious from both of us, but He gave us something else precious, each other.”
She hugged him tightly, and said mournfully, “Adam, this is really a hard time for me. Please be patient with me. I’ve always been so organized and sure of what I wanted and how to get it. Now things are changing at supersonic speed. I’m not just moving here. I’m changing who I am and what I want out of life. I’ve prided myself on being an independent woman who didn’t need anyone now or ever. Last year if you’d asked me who I was, I would have said I was a psychologist. That was the core of my identity. With this move, I will no longer be independent. I will be part of you and you will be part of me. Does that make sense? I’ll still be a psychologist, but it w
ill be my job, not my identity. My identity will be Abra slash Adam and yours will be Adam slash Abra. We will be one and I will be part of that one. I just can’t believe what has happened to me and how I’ve changed because of you. In just a few months my world turned upside down. My heart is fluttering as I say these words. I think I’m having a heart attack”
Adam laughed his jovial laugh, “Abra, you’re not having a heart attack. I know you’re changing yourself for me. I don’t have to change for you. I’ve always held a place open in my heart for someone to love and share my life. You’ve come along and filled it. You didn’t set aside a place for someone in your heart so I’m barging in and staking out a claim.”
They hugged and then Adam said, “We need to get going to my folks.” They were having Friday night dinner at Adam’s parents’apartment . As they rode in a cab to their place, Adam asked, “Abra, can we tell my parents that you’ll be moving here?”
“Of course. They’ll find out anyhow when they see me hanging around your apartment all the time.”
“Our apartment. I’m moving into Aunt Edith’s apartment next month and I want you to live with me. Miss Cheapskate, it’s a waste of money for you to rent an apartment, but if you really want to live separately at first, you can rent a place. In fact, you could probably get my place since I have to sublet it.”
“No, I want to live in our apartment. Let’s have Murray open the door for us”
When they got to Seymour and Arlene’s, they saw that Arlene had set the table with her best china and had the Friday night candles waiting to be lit. Arlene said the Friday night blessing and then served an elaborate meal centered around roasted chicken. Arlene appeared nervous. She was chattering nonstop and forgot where she put the special dessert spoons for the rice pudding she had made. Abra realized that Arlene’s mother’s intuition was showing.
When Seymour filled the wine glasses, Adam raised his and said, “I’d like to present a toast. To Abra, who will be moving to New York.”
They all said, “L’Chaim,” and clinked glasses.
Arlene piped in, “I knew it. I just knew it. A mother knows. Abra, we’re so happy. We know that Adam loves you very much and we hope you love him as much.”
Abra stared tenderly at Adam and said, “I do.”
“Can we make an engagement party?”
“Who said we’re engaged? We’re not ready for that step. First Abra will move to New York and then decide,” said Adam jovially.
Abra said, “Arlene, when the time is right, we’ll want lots of parties, but I don’t think it’s time yet. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few months. Please don’t hurry us. Seymour and Arlene, I want you to know all about my family. I know you might think I’m not good enough for Adam once you know all about them, and I would understand.”
Seymour replied, “Abra,.we’ve known about your family since we met you and never, never have we ever thought that you’re not good enough for Adam.”
“Knowing my family of retarded people, you still want Adam to marry me?”
“He’d be marrying you, not your family.”
“It’s not the same for me. I would be marrying Adam and also the both of you.”
Arlene said, “I’ve always wanted a daughter and hopefully I’ll have one.” Abra looked at red helmeted Arlene and knew she could never love her like a mother, but she knew she could be very fond of this kind woman. Arlene went to Abra and hugged her tightly. “He’s the center of our life. We want only the best for him. If he loves you Abra, we love you.” Abra thought to herself, “What would my life have been like if I had parents who loved me like they loved Adam?”
As soon as Abra got back to Virginia, she called Beth and told her that she had decided to move to New York.
“I am so happy for you Abra. I feel that you’re doing the right thing. Remember when you left home to make a new start. Well Act 1 of your life was the Abra Ginzberg years and Act 2 is the Abra Berg years. I think Act 3 is about to open and will be the Abra Benjamin years.”
“Abra Benjamin. You know I’m going to marry Adam so I can keep my initials. A-B.”
During the week Abra met with Charlie and Anne to tell them about her move to New York. They were happy that she had found love, but they would miss her. She was a good psychologist and a good friend, and it would be hard to fill her shoes.
The next weekend was Adam’s turn to visit Abra in Virginia. It was also the week of Adam’s 32nd birthday. Now it was time for her to plan Adam’s birthday. She wanted it to be as special as her party had been. She went on line to find books on sports. She had checked the books in his apartment the weekend before to make sure that he didn’t have any of the books she found of interest. She bought books on each of the teams he fanatically followed and a book on sports statistics. Hopefully, he didn’t know all the facts in the book already. For his love of jazz, she got him Oscar Peterson and Herbie Hancock cds. She had also checked his cabinet of cds and knew he didn’t have them. Then she bought him a book of love sonnets by Shakespeare. She wanted them to take turns reading them aloud to each other. She hoped he wouldn’t think this was too sentimental, but who better than Shakespeare could express love. Finally, she got the mushiest card she could find in the Hallmark store. She decorated her apartment with Happy Birthday signs and balloons. The Safeway cake she ordered had “Happy birthday Adam” surrounded by tiny figures of basketball players and a hoop.
When Adam arrived on Friday night, he unlocked the door and found Abra holding the cake with the candles ablaze. She had watched for his car to pull up and when she heard him on the steps, she lit the candles. Adam’s face exploded with joy. Abra sang Happy Birthday and then he blew out the candles. She asked if they could eat the cake later and instead open his presents. She had elaborately gift wrapped each gift so it took him some minutes to disengage the bows, ribbons, and paper. He kvelled over each present saying it was exactly what he wanted. “Abra, I’ve never had such wonderful presents. I know how you labored over deciding about each of these. I started the schmaltzy poems with my Dante poem and now you’re getting back at me with a whole book. Let me reserve judgment on these Shakespeare sonnets. I didn’t particularly like my Shakespeare course at Yale, but maybe you and he can convince me that he can say how I feel better than I can. You’ve made me so happy to be 32. Now there’s only a three year difference between us. I’m catching up to you.”
The rest of the weekend was spent laying out tentative plans for her move and her search for a new job. They decided that mid-June would be a good time for her to move. Hopefully, that would give her time to get a job for the next school year. As Abra was making a list, she said to Adam, “I’ve added some new to-dos for my list. I’m selling all my furniture. I don’t think I’ll need any of it if I’m going to move into Aunt Edith’s apartment.”
“It’s not Aunt Edith’s apartment. It’s our apartment. I wish you could have been involved in the remodeling plans so you would feel like it’s really your apartment. Although I have to admit my mom did make a lot of the decisions. I’m not interested in bedspreads and curtains and towels. She spent days picking just the right towels and pots at Bloomingdale’s. She spent so much time there, they were going to charge her rent.”
“The walls and floors and furniture aren’t going to make me feel like I belong there. It’s what happens between us. Anyhow, I’ve never had an interest in house things either, but maybe that’ll change when I know the apartment is our home.”
Abra placed ads to sell her furniture and household goods on Craig’s List. She spent most of her evenings meeting with buyers who were glad to pay her price for her unblemished, clean furniture, and she was glad to have them cart away her belongings.
She was resigning on June 15th after six wonderful years at Fairfax. She hated to leave the school system, her school, the kids, and her colleagues. These six years were a period when she felt a sense of personal fulfillment in her job and a sense of self sufficie
ncy that she could manage her life.
There were good-bye parties planned for her by the teachers at Black’s Run and her fellow psychologists. Anne threw a garden party for Abra’s friends to say farewell to her and hello to Adam. Abra was especially eager for Adam to meet Anne and Charlie, two people who meant so much to her over the last six years. Anne lived in a spacious home in rural Loudon County. The weather was perfect, so most of the evening was spent in her backyard watching fireflies dart out of the woods behind her house and shooing the flies away from the food. Anne had a co-hostess, Mai, who socialized with everyone and even stayed up until everyone left at 10:00. Adam and his sweet personality and booming laughter charmed Abra’s friends. Abra felt like she was showing off a new acquisition. She beamed with pride each time she looked at Adam.
Beth and Tom came up from Richmond for the party. Fortunately, Linda and her new boyfriend were able to baby sit with Clay and Zack. The next morning, the four met for brunch. Abra was eager for the two people she loved most in the world to like one another. Everyone knew the agenda for the brunch…have Adam and Beth get to know each other. Adam said, “Beth, we’re being tested. Abra wants us to like each other so let’s start out by putting her at ease and say we like each other and get on with getting to know each other.” Everyone laughed and followed his orders. At 3:00, they reluctantly parted. Beth and Abra went off to a corner and hugged. Beth said, “He’s a gem. You both are so right for each other. Let me know the date as soon as you set it. I need to get motivated to start a diet so I can squeeze into a size 12 matron of honor dress.”
Early June was a hectic time with Abra packing her belongings and finishing up all the paperwork for her school cases. She had no contact with the Taylor’s since the time when Mrs. Taylor announced that they were sending Wendy to a residential school. She often wondered about Wendy, but had no way of knowing how she was doing. She probably would never get closure on Wendy. She would be another open-ended story of a kid whose life she touched for a short period of time. Part of the problem with her job was that she didn’t get to see if the kids she worked with had happy endings to their lives.
On Wednesday night after she got home from the gym, her message light was blinking. She pressed the play button and heard a message that changed her life forever.
“Hello, this is Amy Forbes. I’m a reporter for the New York Post. I’m looking for an Abra Ginzberg and I’ve been told that her name is now Abra Berg. I’m writing an article about her parents’ law suit against the city. Please call me back at ….”
Abra played the message again to make sure she had heard it correctly. She had been outed. “Now it’s happened. Everyone will find out that I’ve lived a lie. Adam, my Adam, please don’t let it affect us. I can’t lose you.”
Strangely, she was calm. Now she was glad that months ago Adam had warned her that this might happen. Unconsciously, she had mentally prepared herself. She immediately dialed Adam’s number.
Adam saw Abra’s number on his caller ID, and said, “Do you want to give me a goodnight kiss?’
“Oh Adam, the worst thing in the world has happened. I’ve been exposed. I got a message on my phone from a reporter for the Post saying she was going to write an article about my family. Of course, she’ll portray me as the evil daughter who deserted her family.”
“Abra, this is NOT the worst thing in the world. Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it. Give me her phone number. I’ll tell her I’m your attorney and that you will not cooperate with her in any way.”
“That won’t stop her from writing the article.”
“No, it won’t. But it will keep you out of it as much as possible. She can get factual information like your job and where you live. But she can’t get the personal stuff from you. She wants the juicy stuff about why you left and you’re not going to give it to her.”
“Adam will this affect our relationship? Do you still want me to live with you? If this reporter finds out about you, she’ll print your name in the article. That would be horrendous.”
“Why? Why would the world knowing that I’m your lover matter? Do you think people would think less of me? Do you think it would affect my business? You’re not being rational.”
“No. This is one thing I can never be rational about. The Ginzbergs are my Achilles heel.”
Abra was up late into the evening thinking of the people that she needed to tell about her past. First there was Charlie. The next morning she stopped by his office as soon as she got to work. “Hey Charlie, I need to see you about something important. It’s personal. Can we meet for lunch one day this week?”
“I’m free today. I’d love to go out for lunch. What a treat for me. I’m getting out of this building. Yeah!! Meet me at noon in the parking lot.”
They lunched outdoors at a local eatery. First they talked about the progress that Joan was making in her cancer treatment. She was in remission and gaining her strength. They were planning an Alaskan cruise in August to celebrate her improved health. Finally, Charlie said, “OK. What’s up? I can’t wait anymore. Are you pregnant?”
“No, I’m not pregnant. Charlie, it’s my past. I lied to you about my family. My parents aren’t dead. They’re alive and live in New York City. There will be an article about me and my family in the New York Post.” She proceeded to tell him about her family and her first life as Abra Ginzberg and her second as Abra Berg. Then she told him about Rachel’s death.
After her lengthy confession, Charlie leaned back and said, “You know you never struck me as having dead parents. I always knew there was something else in your past. You were this mystery woman. I suppose you didn’t show enough grief for dead parents. I thought maybe you had been severely abused as a child and indeed you were. You were emotionally abused. You were prevented from having a childhood. You became an adult at a tender age.
You spent a lot of time with Joan talking about life and death and never talked about the death of your parents. We both wondered about that. We never asked because you sent a strong message not to go there. With all the stuff we had going on in our lives, we didn’t have it in us to find out about your past. We were too worried about Joan’s future.
I think you’ll feel a lot better with everyone knowing so you don’t have to be so vigilant about hiding your past. You can live in the present and start thinking more about your wonderful future with Adam.
Abra, did you ever think of what you would do as a psychologist if there was a girl in our school with problems like you had? How would you help her?”
“No, I never did. That’s an interesting question. I certainly don’t think a psychologist could have helped me. I was coping psychologically. I really was never depressed. I was unhappy at home, but that was to be expected. I was happy at school so my life was not all bad. There were islands of brightness. I can’t even say that I had an unhappy childhood. I had an unhappy childhood at home. When I was at home, I was on automatic pilot, doing what had to be done, but not thinking about what else I could be doing, like going to the movies with friends or being on the soccer team. I really tried not to think about all that I was missing in life.
I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t done so well in school. I wouldn’t have had a way out unless I had another talent, like sex. I also don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been such a docile child. No, docile isn’t the right word, maybe responsible is better. I took the initiative in running the house, but I did so without every complaining. I just knew what I had to do and I did it. I didn’t expect anyone else to help. I accepted that the Ginzberg world was on my shoulders.
I don’t think a social worker could have helped either. I can’t see a situation where I would have been removed from the house. There was no physical or sexual abuse. There was emotional abuse, but that wouldn’t be grounds for removing me, especially when you compare the Ginzberg household with the trillions of families in New York where kids are violently abused. There was no r
eal neglect. I did the food shopping and we managed to eat okay, maybe not nutritionally healthy but we certainly had enough calories. I did the laundry so we didn’t have dirty clothes although I never used bleach and there were permanent stains on everybody’s clothes. I bathed the kids every other day so they weren’t dirty. I took a shower everyday so I was clean. I don’t know about my parents. I don’t think they washed very often, especially my mother. Frankly, she was schmutzik. I didn’t clean the house, but a dirty house is not grounds for neglect or half the kids in America would have to be removed from their homes. I suppose if there had been somebody to come in to clean the house and take care of the kids that might have helped, but I still would have been in charge. I was the only one who could be head of the Ginzberg household. As long as I can remember, I’ve made lists. I still do. I’m a compulsive Type A list maker. I had my shopping lists for the grocery and the drug store. I had to-do lists for me and for my grandparents. I would give them a list telling them that they had to take Rachel and Noah to get new shoes or they needed to take them to the doctor for their shots. I always knew what had to be done, but I couldn’t always do things so I delegated responsibility to my grandparents. I was in charge of the five people in my house as well as my grandparents starting at about age 10, maybe even younger. Jeez. How did I do it?
It certainly wouldn’t have helped to break the family up and put us in foster care. That was not a solution. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I had been in foster care. Although after I left, putting Rachel and Noah in foster care turned out to be the best option but that was because there was no one in charge anymore.
I could have used some friends, but there’s no social service for providing friendship. I was so lonely. I had kids that I hung around with at school, but they weren’t friends I could talk to. I couldn’t talk about my life to anyone. I suppose even if I had a friend, they couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. I remember walking the streets wishing I had someone to talk to. I was a streetwalker searching for a friend, not sex. The only outsider who could have helped was someone to get me out of that house, and fortunately I found such a person. My beloved Edith Benjamin. I suppose there really was no way out. My only alternative was to wait 18 years.
Charlie, are you sure you’re not a psychologist instead of a lowly principal? Would you consider it reverse sexual harassment if I hugged you?” They warmly hugged and when she pulled away she saw tears in Charlie’s eyes.
“Joan and I will miss you Abra. We’ve felt so close to you, especially since you gave so much of yourself to help with Joan over the last two years. You gave such comfort to both of us when we scared. Like a daughter would. I’ve felt a little like your father even though I’m too dark for the part.”
“Charlie, you have been like a father to me and I can’t thank you enough for your friendship. I will miss you and Joan dearly.”
At 4:00 Abra met with Anne at her office. First they discussed Abra’s recommendations for Sasha’s future therapy. Anne volunteered that she had heard that Wendy was not doing well at the residential school and had become mute. “Anne, do you think we could have done anything to prevent this?”
“No. The Taylors wanted to get rid of her and they did, and now Wendy is paying the price of their rejection. They’re the cause of many, if not all, of the problems that Wendy will have in life, but they’ll blame Wendy’s Asperger and her low intelligence and the system and everyone else but themselves. You just can’t throw away a kid like trash, but the Taylors don’t know that.”
Then Abra changed the subject to herself. “Anne, I’m going to tell you about my past because there’s going to be an article about me and my family in the New York Post. My parents aren’t dead as I told you. They’re alive in New York.” Then she proceeded to tell Anne the same story that she told Charlie a few hours earlier.
Anne, too, wasn’t surprised. “I always knew you had a family, but I thought they were criminals or had done something you were trying to hide or they had abused you. There were so many times I wanted to ask you about them, but I felt it might affect our friendship. You had this Berlin Wall around you, and now it’s down. You’ll be so much better now that your secret is out.”
Anne and Charlie had reacted in the same way. They knew her parents weren’t dead and that Abra harbored a secret past. Obviously Abra wasn’t as good at hiding secrets as she had thought she was. She, too, thought that Abra might have been abused as a child. Her childhood pain must have surfaced enough for sensitive observers to pick it up.
Anne said, “Abra, I took control of my life when I adopted Mai. I knew what I wanted and I went after it. I’ve achieved a level of happiness and fulfillment that is beyond my wildest dreams. She’s my reason for living. You know I’m not an advocate for marriage based on my two disasters, but I think more than anything you need to marry Adam. He’ll be your reason for living. He can help you put your past in perspective and give you a glorious future.”
“Thanks for the therapy Anne. What a great perk – free therapy.” They looked at each other sadly knowing that their friendship would wan with time and distance.
When Abra got home, she called Adam. He said that he called the reporter and told her he was her attorney and that Abra wouldn’t be granting any interviews. He asked the reporter how she had gotten Abra’s name. She said that when she interviewed Jacob and Miriam they told her that they had a daughter who had deserted them 17 years earlier and that they expected her to turn up as soon as they got the money from the law suits. They figured you would want to get your share of the dough. The reporter asked your name and they gave it to her. Your grandparents knew your changed name and they told your parents years ago. They could have tracked you down if they wanted to, but they didn’t want to.”
“I can’t believe they knew my name all this time. I thought I was hiding from them when they could have found me. They didn’t want to find me because there was nothing I could do for them. I lost my usefulness. Rachel and Noah were gone and they didn’t need me to take care of them. I can’t believe I spent my life hiding from them in plain sight.”
The next weekend was the last that they would have together in Virginia. Abra had packed all the things that she was taking to her new life, her clothes, files, mementos, pictures, and electronics, enough to fill a small U-Haul. She had sold or given away most of her dishes, pots and pans, and furniture. A custodian from school, Jose, was going to move her possessions in the U-Haul she had rented. Jose’s wife was going to drive Abra’s Honda to New York while Abra drove back with Adam, and then Jose and his wife would drive the empty U-Haul back to Virginia.
After helping Jose load the truck, Adam and Abra went out for a leisurely dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.
“Everything’s done. I’m amazed at how little I’m bringing to our merger.”
“You have all I want. How do you feel about moving to the apartment?”
“For the age of 14 to 18, it was the place in the world where I was the happiest except for school, so I’m looking forward to it. The only other place I think of with such fondness is that run-down cottage I lived in on Sullivan Island. What opposites! Comfort and beauty vs. discomfort and dilapidation, but both harbored love and friendship. It goes to show it’s not what’s on the outside that makes a home, it’s what people make on the inside.”
“Abra, I want to talk about your family. You’ve got to resolve the issues about them especially now that you’re moving to New York. I know you don’t want to do this, but I think you must see them if you’re going to close the chapter on your past life.”
“I don’t ever want to see them. I can’t bear the thought of it. Why would I want to see them? What would be accomplished?”
“You would tell them that you don’t want their money and you don’t want anything to do with them. You can’t tell them how they made your life hell. They wouldn’t understand. They have to think of you as a cruel bitch
. They have to blame all their problems on you. It’s the only way they can rationalize their abysmal lives. You need to get closure. You didn’t see them at the funeral although you wanted to. Well, now’s your chance. Abra, I’ll go with you. We’ll see them for a short period of time so you can tell them that you don’t want their money and you don’t want any involvement with them. Please think about it. If you want to do it, I’ll arrange it.”
“Maybe it isn’t a big deal. Maybe I have blown this out of proportion.”
“Abra, the world doesn’t care about your secret. Only you do. You’ve covered your past up so you wouldn’t have to think about it. The secret was more for your benefit than keeping others from knowing about it. Just think about the reaction you’ve gotten from Charlie and Anne. They knew, but they still respected your wishes to keep your past hidden. Think of the reaction from Beth and the Nelsons. They all knew but loved you too much to force you to admit you were covering up your past. You weren’t fooling anyone, but yourself.”
She stared into his eyes. He was right. All these years of furtive hiding were to protect herself.
“How did you get so wise? Did they teach a Wisdom 101 course at Yale?” She gently stroked his cheek.
“The article will probably be in the paper in the next week or two. You’ll think that the whole city will be looking at you, but no one will care. Remember, this is New York City we’re talking about.”
“What about you? What happens if they find out about us?”
“Don’t be silly. No one will find out about us and if they do, so what? Have we done anything wrong? Don’t spend your time anticipating terrible things that won’t happen.”
Adam had helped Abra make contacts about two potential jobs, one as a psychologist on the staff of a child study clinic at NYU Medical School and the other as a psychologist at a private school for students with learning and emotional difficulties, kids like Wendy. In both cases, his family knew the directors. Abra was learning the importance of personal contacts in negotiating New York City.
“What about the job interviews? What happens if they find out about me?”
“Nothing will happen. With your training and experience and recommendations, you won’t have any trouble getting a job. Why would anybody care about your past unless you’re a pervert or murderer? They care if you’re a good psychologist who’s competent and responsible. Period.”
“Also, the fact that the head of the clinic and the head of the school know your family doesn’t hurt.”
Abra took a deep breath, and said, “Ok, so let’s plan it for next Saturday. Will you go with me?”
“Of course. I’ll call them and arrange a meeting for next Saturday.”
“That’s too quick with the job interviews and the move. That’s too much”
“If you don’t do it now, it’ll lay in your stomach like a cancer. Settle this and move on. I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”
“I’ll say ok now and if I tell you to cancel, don’t listen to me.”
They returned to the apartment to say good-bye to the walls that had witnessed their falling in love. They were going to a hotel because all the furniture was gone. They slowly walked through the rooms. Abra said, “I’m really scared Adam. I’ve never had so many changes happen in such a short period. A new job. My first and I hope only serious relationship. I have always planned changes in my life and spaced them out. This will be a test to see if I’m as sane and rational as I think I am.”
Adam said, “If you could survive living in the Ginzberg house, you can survive all the good things that are going to happen. The best is yet to come.”