Matt turned up his face to the sun, reveling in its warmth the way he reveled in the heat of Ari's smile.
"You can look now!" Ari's voice was accompanied by Noah's laughter.
Matt opened his eyes...and his heart choked his throat as he took in the near paralyzing sight of Noah hurtling toward the big slope of the driveway on his bike.
A two-wheeled bike that no longer had its training wheels.
"Remember to stay away from the hill, Noah," Ari called.
But Noah was too excited to listen, and the bike gained speed. Too much speed.
Matt's blood was like the roar of engines through his veins. Noah wore a helmet, but what if he barreled right out into the road?
"Noah!" Matt yelled, hit squarely by a vision of himself as a child, only a few years older than Noah, careening down a hill that was far steeper than he'd thought. "Stop!"
The gate was open to the street beyond it, and Noah was heading straight for it. Memories of agony and deep shame shrieked in Matt's head as he started to run. His gaze shot to the road for signs of a car, but no way could he get to his son in time. Even as he ran, he felt the remembered pain of all those years ago, heard the awful crack of his arm breaking, his father's voice calling him an idiot, a weenie, a good-for-nothing sissy.
"Noah!" His son's name screeched through the sunshine. A car, the road, the hill. Jesus, God, please no.
Just when he thought everything was lost, Ari was there, barring Noah's way, her fists on the handlebars. "Now, Noah, you know the rules. You need to stay up top," she said, chiding him softly. As if nothing cataclysmic or life-threatening had happened.
As if Matt hadn't just lost years off his life.
"Did you see that, Matt?" Somewhere through his haze of fear and fury, he vaguely noticed that Ari and Noah beamed at him with excitement shining in their eyes. "Noah can ride without training wheels. We've been practicing so he could surprise you." She didn't seem at all frightened by what had almost happened. "He did great, don't you think?"
It was hardly even a question. She simply expected Matt to agree, to congratulate Noah on his new skill--and to congratulate her for helping his son.
But Matt still couldn't see straight. Not when the only thing in his vision was what might have been.
Noah crushed beneath a car.
Noah with broken limbs.
Noah with brain damage like Jeremy.
And not when all he heard were the things his father had shouted at him on that day long ago, as his arm screamed in pain and tears streaked his cheeks. Insults and abuse that were seared into Matt's soul as deeply as his mother's refusal to step in and help had been.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" His voice was so deadly cold, so brutally sharp, that Ari stopped short, her smile instantly disintegrating.
"In my classes I learned it's normal for a child Noah's age to begin riding without training wheels. Plus, I did some research on the Internet. And Jorge can do it," she added so softly that he had to read her lips over the rush in his ears.
"I don't give a damn about Jorge or your freaking classes or what the hell the Internet says."
He cursed, a four-letter word he'd never said in front of his son. But he threw it at her like a punch--then watched as Ari reeled from the blow.
"He isn't ready to lose his training wheels." Each word was a bullet. "Anything could have happened. Did you see how close he got to the road?"
"But I was there to hold on to him. To make sure he was safe." She paused, swallowing hard before adding, "I'll always be there for him."
"How the hell do you know you'll always be there?" he raged, his voice startling birds off their branches. She could never know what Noah might do in a split second. She could never protect him from everything, which was what Matt had vowed to do the moment his son was born.
Anguish tore her face, and she opened her mouth, closed it, then finally said, "I take care of him like he's my own child. You know that."
"He's not your child." Matt couldn't stop himself from shouting. "I'll say when he's ready to take off his training wheels or his water wings. Not you."
A cloud passed over the sun, over her face, over Noah. The silence that fell at the end of Matt's tirade was so sharp it sliced them all to ribbons.
"You're right," Ari finally said. "He's not my child. I'm just the nanny." Each word from her lips sounded more hollow. More bleak. She leaned down to Noah. "It's time to get off the bike, sweetheart." Once Noah had, she gave him a kiss on the cheek, then, leaving them both, she headed back up to the hill to the garage.
*
Ari didn't cry as she brought the training wheels back from the garage along with a screwdriver. The horror of it all had dried up her tear ducts.
"I'm sorry. I made a mistake. You should put them back on."
"Daddy?" Noah whimpered.
But Matt didn't move to comfort his son, he simply screwed the wheels back into place, anchoring the bike.
How the hell do you know you'll always be there?
Ten words. But they were more than enough to put her in her place.
He's not your child.
God, how could she ever have forgotten? Just because she wanted Noah and Matt to be hers didn't mean they were. All the longing in the world didn't mean she'd ever truly belong with them. One night at a party with the Mavericks didn't mean she was part of the family.
"But Daddy, I was real good." Noah turned from his father to Ari. "Right, Ari?"
She couldn't answer him. Her vocal cords were swollen too tight. All she could do was nod.
Matt ratcheted down the last screw. "I saw how well you did, but I still want the training wheels on."
"It's not fair!" Noah scrunched up his face and ran from both of them, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You're not nice, Daddy!"
"I'm so sorry," she said again, barely able to manage more than a whisper. Then she ran too, leaving Matt alone on the driveway.
As she climbed the stairs to her room, her knees seemed to creak like an old woman's, while her dreams crashed and burned, every single hope she'd ever had completely crushed. She'd been living in La-La Land. Rosie and Chi had warned her, but she hadn't wanted to hear them. Maybe Chi was right, maybe Matt had only searched for her brother out of guilt for sleeping with her that first time.
Oh God. Her legs wobbled, and she thought she might actually fall. She should have listened to her best friends, but she'd wanted to listen only to her heart, so she had deliberately forgotten her cardinal rule about remembering the difference between fantasy and reality.
How many times would she have to learn the lesson that she was temporary--disposable at the first sign of trouble? Just like with all her foster families. Even with her own mother, Ari hadn't been important enough to her to get clean.
In her room, she stuffed her laptop into her backpack and her belongings into her bag. She'd become so good at leaving over the years that she could pack up in less than five minutes. She supposed the reason she hadn't brought more things to Matt's home had been the deep-down belief that the dream wouldn't last. The fairy tale wouldn't actually come true.
Not for her.
She'd wanted to surprise Matt, and it had felt like the right time for Noah to learn. But in retrospect, there was no denying that she'd been wrong in not asking permission. Matt was Noah's father. He had the right to make the decisions, not her. And now, on top of it all, she'd turned him into the bad guy, just as Irene had done when she'd left for Paris without her son.
She'd seen the way Matt reacted the day Noah had fallen by the pool, had felt his anguish as if it were her own. He still wouldn't let Noah swim without the water wings, yet she'd removed those training wheels without a single thought. Partly because Matt hadn't specifically mentioned them. But mostly because she'd felt secure in the knowledge that he felt the same emotions that she did.
How could she have been so stupid as to step over his rock-solid boundary with his son?
&
nbsp; The echo of their voices drifted up from downstairs--Noah's still upset, Matt's still tight with fear that his son might have been hurt.
Ari closed her eyes, trying to blot out the pain. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again, as if he could hear her.
Hands shaking, she wrote a note, agonizing over the words, then finally left it on her bed. He would find it.
And she knew he would be relieved that she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Noah's feet pounded out of Ari's room a short while later, so heavily that the ceiling above Matt actually shook. He found Matt in the den where he was pretending to work. All he'd actually managed was brooding. Reeling. Trying to calm down so that he could think straight again.
"Daddy, Ari isn't in her room." Noah clutched a piece of paper. "Look."
Matt's heart was already in his throat, even before he took the note.
I'm sorry. I should have understood how you would feel. I wish you and Noah all the best. I hope you can forgive me.
He jumped up out of his chair and jogged down the hall, Noah on his heels, to check the garage. Her car was as gone as she was.
And the house suddenly felt completely empty with only him and Noah in it.
"Daddy, where'd she go?" Noah hung on his pants leg. "What'd she say in her letter?"
He hunkered down, running his hands along Noah's arms. "Ari had to--" Damn it, he could already see what this would do to his son. "She had to leave."
Noah's face fell, and tears welled in his eyes. "You yelled at her and made her leave."
He'd yelled. Just like his father. "Noah, you have to understand--"
"And I could ride the bike. I'm good!"
"I know you are, but--"
"You're not fair! You never let me do anything fun!" He swiped at the tear trickling down his cheek, his bottom lip trembling. "I love Ari and you made her leave!" He fisted his hands, and Matt saw himself in his son, so clearly. Too clearly. "I love her and now she's gone!" Then he ran upstairs. A moment later his door slammed.
Every word his son shouted pierced his heart. Especially when Noah repeated how much he loved Ari, forcing Matt to hear each word. He couldn't pretend it wasn't true.
How many times had Matt hid in his room while his father raged? On the day Noah was born, he swore he'd never put his child through that. As angry as he often became with Irene, Matt had never yelled at her in front of Noah.
Yet he'd done just that with Ari.
In one moment he'd snapped, and he hadn't just sounded like his father--he'd actually turned into him. As Noah had raced down the hill, Matt's brain had played out all the terrible things that might happen, and he'd slammed Ari with all his fear, his anger, his pain. He'd slammed his son as well, and stripped the joy from his accomplishment.
"But he's not ready," he whispered.
Only, no one heard.
Especially not Ari.
He should have been packing up a bag with Noah's swim stuff for the barbecue. But it was the last thing he wanted to do. Because without Ari, nothing seemed right. With her gone, all the sweetness that had filled his life for these few brief weeks was gone too. He wasn't even sure he could get Noah out of his room without dragging him.
If he and Noah went to the barbecue alone, the Mavericks would ask where Ari was, and he'd have to explain that she was gone. And he'd have to do it as he remembered every warm, wonderful thing she'd done since she'd come into their lives--how good she was with Noah, the games she played with him, the look of love on her face when she hugged him. And the look on her face as she and Matt made love, the scent of her skin, the taste of her lips...
No. He couldn't let himself remember. Not when it would only make him crazy.
He was a Maverick--which meant he was a master of self-control. He would force himself to forget. Just as he'd force himself to go to the barbecue. Because if he didn't, it would be akin to admitting his behavior hadn't been justified.
Noah wasn't ready. He just wasn't.
Yet somewhere deep inside, Matt could hear Ari's voice asking if maybe Matt was the one who wasn't ready. Who was he really protecting, his son...or himself?
Was that why he'd gone from ultimate happiness to inimitable rage in the space of five seconds? Why he'd been powerless to stop his reaction when the only thing he saw was Noah's crushed body? Because he didn't trust himself to keep his son safe?
Damn it. He shoved the questions away, telling himself for the millionth time that he knew what was best for his son.
Matt looked at his watch. It was time to go to the party. He was taking Noah. And they would have a good time whether they wanted to or not.
Ruthlessly, he tamped down the thought that nothing would ever be any good again without Ari.
*
As far as Matt was concerned, the day was too damn nice for early November, the sun bright, not a cloud floating anywhere. Noah put on his swim trunks and came out of his room without a fight, but he'd been uncharacteristically silent on the drive over. Who knew a kid could dish out the silent treatment so well?
Thankfully Noah came back to life as he ran to Charlie, chattering about dinosaurs. "I want to see the T-Rex, Aunt Charlie."
Charlie was seated in a deck chair by the pool next to Harper, while Will relaxed beside them on a lounger, still fully clothed, his hands stacked behind his head. Jeremy, wearing a pair of orange trunks that were so neon you had to shade your eyes, sat on the pool's edge, dangling his feet in the water.
"Hold on, buddy," Sebastian called to Noah. "We'll all take a walk down to Charlie's studio after we eat. You'll see the T-Rex then." He was already firing up the barbecue.
"Where's your future mother-in-law?" Matt asked, a preemptive strike against any questions Sebastian might have about Ari.
"I sent my driver, so Francine will be here in half an hour or so. She gets a kick out of it, says the limo ride makes her feel like a queen." Sebastian didn't miss a beat before asking, "Where's Ariana?"
Silently cursing that his diversionary tactic hadn't worked, Matt said, "She couldn't make it."
Because I yelled and made her cry. Because she's gone and she isn't coming back.
"Too bad." Sebastian slid the barbecue lid down and surveyed his backyard pool. "She would have at least put on a swimsuit, unlike that weenie over there." He nodded at the group by the pool's edge.
The other Mavericks knew his dad had been an asshole, but Matt had never repeated ad nauseam the things his father had said. Weenie was just another word to Sebastian. But today, after hearing his father's voice in his head, after yelling at Ari, after making her leave, Matt felt his hackles rise and his hands clench.
"Don't call Noah a weenie." His voice was practically a snarl.
Sebastian turned, pulling his sunglasses down his nose. "I wasn't talking about Noah. He has his trunks on. I was talking about Will."
Matt closed his eyes and ratcheted down all the emotion threatening to come loose in his body. He was being an asshole. Again.
"What's up with you, man?" Sebastian asked, one eyebrow cocked. Matt was saved by Evan's arrival. "Where's Whitney? And Paige got the invite, didn't she?"
"Whitney is feeling sick, and Paige stayed to keep her company." Evan didn't remove his sunglasses, and Matt guessed it was so neither man would read the truth. But a moment later he yanked them off, saying, "Screw that, I'm sick of lying for her. The truth is, she pitched a fit that Paige was coming."
"But Paige always comes," Sebastian pointed out.
"That's what Whitney said." Evan shook his head. "So I told her to stay home if she was in such a nasty mood."
Whoa. Now, that was different.
Matt tried to tell himself that Evan had worse problems than he did. He was married to his problem. But Evan had always been loyal, never talking Whitney down even when the rest of them had had it up to their eyeballs with her. Yes, Evan had made her apologize in the past when she'd been downright rude, but he never badmouthed his wife to his frie
nds. Unloading now was totally uncharacteristic.
Maybe Evan had finally reached his limit.
Which only made Matt think of his own limits--and Ari's too. Because she wouldn't have left if he hadn't acted like his father. Hell, if he hadn't become his father the moment Noah had careened toward the gate on his bike.
"Whitney's probably still pissed that Paige looked so good in that Cleopatra getup," Sebastian said. "Even I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her."
Evan glanced at Charlie by the pool. "Don't let your fiancee hear you say that."
Sebastian smiled, and love seemed to ooze from his pores just looking at his woman. "Charlie was actually the one who first pointed out Paige's Halloween hotness, so I'm good here."
Running over, Jeremy interrupted in his loud, enthusiastic voice. "Can me and Noah go swimming?" The question was for the group at large, probably because Harper had sent him over to ask for permission.
Jeremy was the best big brother Matt could have asked for for Noah. He was extra careful, and he got down and played on Noah's level because he was a big, sweet kid himself.
Matt pulled the water wings from Noah's beach bag. "As long as Noah wears these."
Noah's bottom lip jutted out. "I don't want them." His voice was borderline mutinous. "Ari says they make it hard for me to swim. You never listen to her. That's why you sent her away--because she doesn't do everything you tell her to."
The pool deck fell inordinately quiet as Jeremy--missing the undertones of the conversation--grabbed the water wings, then sat down on the edge of the pool and began to secure the flotation devices to Noah's arms amid happy, exuberant talk.
Matt didn't wait for his friends to say anything. Not when he knew it would all come out now. "She's gone."
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Evan and Sebastian shot each other a look, then Evan asked, "You mean gone gone?"
"What other kind of gone is there?" Matt snapped.
"Well, there's gone and she's packed her bags never to be seen again. And then there's gone but she'll be back soon, and then you guys can work through whatever happened."
That was the gone Matt wanted. The one where Ari was there when they got home. The one where they could rewind to the way things were before this morning and none of it had happened at all.
He experienced a powerful urge to head home right now, just in case. But he knew she wouldn't be waiting. Who would, after what he'd said? After turning all her enthusiasm and excitement to tears?