"I know you don't," Ari said. "But what if I push up against another boundary that I don't know is there? I need to know more, Matt. I need you to let me in. All the way in."
He stilled. The only sound in the room was the beating of his heart as she waited for him to actually figure out his shit. No one but the Mavericks knew how bad his past was, but Ari wasn't only in the inner circle.
She was the very heart of it.
"When I was eight, I fell off my bike and broke my arm. My father told me I was a whiner, a weenie. And he refused to take me to the doctor."
She gasped, as horrified for him as he'd been over her childhood. "How could he do that?"
"He was more afraid of having a sissy son than he was of my arm being broken--and my mother backed him up, like she always did."
She folded her hand around his, holding him. "I'm so sorry."
Her touch gave him the courage to tell her things he'd never revealed to another soul, not even Susan. But Ari needed to hear, so she could understand. So she could help him put the past behind him forever. "My father hated that I let other kids bully me."
She squeezed his hand, her eyes watery with her pain for him, and with her anger. "You don't let kids bully you. Sometimes you just can't stop them."
"He wanted to toughen me up so that I could fight them off. But even after my arm had healed, I still couldn't do that. I came home with a black eye, and he was pissed."
You effing weenie. When are you ever going to learn to stick up for yourself? How the hell did I get a son who's such a puny little weakling?
"He said he'd teach me to defend myself even if it killed us both." And it did kill something in Matt--not just his spirit, but his ability to trust. He spent years rebuilding himself, working hard to find faith in people again. He thought he had too, until today when he'd taken out all his fears on Ari just like his dad used to do. The only way he could make it up to her was with the whole truth. "He grabbed me by the hair, holding me up on my tiptoes. And he told me to punch him, to get myself loose." He closed his eyes because he couldn't get through the rest of his story if he looked at the horror in Ari's gaze. "I kicked and flailed, screaming at him. But I couldn't reach him. I didn't realize I'd started crying until I couldn't see him anymore through my tears."
I raised an effing little baby. You good-for-nothing piece of shit.
For a long, long time, he had believed his father--every single word, until this very moment.
"My scalp was screaming by the time he let me go. Without me landing a single punch. And he called me the usual names." The names were ingrained in his brain.
"Where was your mother this whole time? Didn't she stop him?" Ari's grip was tight with her distress.
He opened his eyes to the bleakness of hers. And it was all for him. Sympathy. Empathy. Her fierceness, all the things he'd wanted from the mother whose job it had been to protect him.
"She never stopped him. Not then, not ever. When he stormed out of the house, she handed me some tissues and told me to stop blubbering and clean myself up."
You're a mess. What would your friends think of you now?
Ari put a hand over her mouth. "Oh my God."
"She said I'd never grow up to be a man if I was whining all the time."
A tear trickled down Ari's cheek. "How could anyone say that to their own child?"
He reached out with the tip of his finger to wipe the tear away. "How could a mother turn to drugs instead of looking out for her kid?"
He'd never felt the bond of their childhoods as intensely as he did now. They'd both been abandoned. And somehow they'd found each other.
"When my mother was dying," he went on, "she said she was happy they'd made me who I was, that if they hadn't told me to buck up against the bullies at school, I would still be a worthless sissy."
Ari's nostrils flared with indignation. "You made yourself."
That was his Ari--always standing up for everyone else. And he prayed she'd be his again. His fearless warrior woman.
"I did remake myself. With the help of my friends, and Susan and Bob."
He wanted to press his mouth to hers and know that everything would be okay from this moment forward. But he still hadn't explained why he'd caged Noah in with his own fears.
"The only thing I've ever wanted to do is protect Noah. I never wanted him bullied or hurt. I never wanted to be like my dad."
Ari threw herself at him then, wrapping her arms around him, her warm breath at his ear. "You could never be like that."
He held her tightly, closed his eyes, and breathed her in for a few perfect moments before he made himself draw back enough to face her. "I've never done that to Noah, but I went off on you today. My words hurt you. Words I didn't mean, Ari. I wish I could take them back."
"I know you were frightened for Noah." Forgiveness shone in her pretty eyes. "It must have been like the day you fell off your bike. Maybe it even reminded you about what happened to Jeremy. You know that horrible things can happen, and you lashed out."
He slipped both hands beneath the fall of her hair. "I never want to lash out at the people I love. Not you. Not Noah. Not any of the Mavericks. Can't you see how wrong that is? How much like my father it is?"
She laid her hands over his. "I see a man who was pushed. You made a mistake. The same way I made a mistake. Can you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive," he whispered. "I'm the one who needs your forgiveness, Ari."
"You have it, Matt."
He didn't think, didn't so much as pause before laying it out straight for her. "I love you. With all my heart."
Her answering smile was a beautiful thing, brighter than the most perfect sunrise, and so warm that the last patches of ice his parents had filled him with finally melted away.
"I love you too," she whispered.
"Remember that first night at dinner," he said, "when you showed me how Noah stood up for himself against that little bully's mom? I didn't see how right you were until now. He's stronger than I'd ever imagined." He ran his finger over her lips, wanting to kiss her so badly. "Keep teaching me how to let Noah fly, Ari."
"There's nothing I want to do more."
"Even if I climb the walls when he wants to do something truly crazy and terrifying, like getting his driver's permit when he's a teenager." For so long he'd carried on alone, but he saw them together years from now, still unable to keep their hands off each other--still supporting each other through thick and thin.
"Even then," she said with a smile. "It might not always be easy for you to listen to my opinions or take my suggestions. And sometimes I might be tempted to throttle your ex. But I want Noah and Irene to have the strongest relationship that she's capable of."
His ex was the only dark spot left. "I've always hated the pain Irene causes Noah when she leaves him." He looked deeply inside himself. "I think I hated her too, because she was like my mother." He'd wanted Irene to be everything to Noah that his own mother had never been for him. But Irene had no interest whatsoever in taking on that role.
"I believe she truly does love him, but she forgets she's a mother when she's out having fun." Ari's voice dipped low. "I also have a feeling Noah reacts to your unfulfilled expectations of her--and your anger--as much as he does to Irene herself. You'll never be able to change her, but I wonder if you could help Noah value the love she is able to give him, even if it's not everything you expect from her."
Ari was so wise. Just like Susan. Hadn't they both said virtually the same thing to him? His ex would never be a stable influence in Noah's life. But Ari could give Noah everything his mother couldn't. And he could shift his thinking enough to say, "She's usually up for short conversations over Skype."
"Thank you for proving that you're willing to change." Ari put her arms around his neck. "And thank you for coming to win me back. Just knowing that you love me, that I matter to you, makes me feel like I really am in a fairy tale."
"I'm the one living the fairy t
ale. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. And the best thing that ever happened to Noah. He wants you back as much as I do. Everyone does."
"Everyone?"
"At the barbecue, they were all over me to face what I'd done. They challenged me to be brave enough to go after you."
"They did?" Her lips trembled as if she wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. And judging by the heat in her eyes, she wanted to kiss him senseless too.
"They're all in your corner, Ari. They were pissed as hell I let you get away." He kissed her, sweet, hot, and fast. "I can't live without you. Noah can't live without you either. Be his mother. Be my partner in all the decisions we make for him. Be my lover." He stroked a finger down her cheek, then dropped to one knee and asked her the most important question of all. "Please, Ari, will you be my wife?"
Chapter Thirty-One
Ari felt as if her heart would burst as she gazed down at the beautiful man on one knee before her. Her beautiful man. The things his parents had done to him would have ruined a lesser man, but Matt had grown into a remarkable human being and an incredible father.
"I want to be your wife, Matt. I want to be part of your family." She pulled him back up to his feet and kissed him with all the love in her heart before adding, "I want to be a mother to Noah, a mother to all our babies."
It had been her ultimate dream. And now, her amazing new reality.
"I started falling for you that first day you let me play with Noah in the backyard of the youth home." She laughed, admitting the truth from the warmth of his arms around her. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was when you approached me at Charlie's grand opening just to ask me to be his nanny."
Matt chuckled with her, and she loved knowing he finally felt safe enough to let go of his fears and truly relax.
"I thought I had to fight my feelings for Noah's sake. I didn't want him to think you were going to be around forever when I expected that you'd eventually leave us. And I didn't want either of us to be crushed the way we've always been with Irene." He framed her face in his hands. "The real truth is that I never wanted to disappoint you. I wanted to step up, give you everything you need, find your brother, take care of you. But I let you down the way I've always been afraid I would."
How could he ever think that?
She opened her mouth, and he kissed her quiet, before saying, "My parents wanted to toughen me up, but deep down they saddled me with the belief that I wasn't good enough. They made me think I had to be perfect, to take care of everyone else, to make sure nothing bad ever happened, just to prove I was a man. You've helped me recognize how far overboard I went. I can't protect Noah from every bad thing in his life without stunting him or making him feel incapable. I can't force Irene to be the mother I think she should be. I can't even be sure I'll find your brother. I can only do my best." He brought her hand to his cheek. "I have scars, so deep that even Susan, Bob, and the Mavericks couldn't heal them. Only you can, Ari."
"You're healing my scars too." Her eyes were damp, and her voice shook slightly. "We've both got baggage, and I know it won't always be easy, but I'll never give up on us again. Never."
"No matter which of us makes a mistake in the future, I'll never give you up. And I will continue to do everything in my power to bring your brother home to you."
"I've never doubted that." She rested against him for a long, sweet moment, their arms tight around each other. "I just need to keep this place until we find Gideon." She gazed into his face, so beautiful that she lost her breath the same way she had the very first time. "Then I won't ever need it again."
"No, you won't." His deep voice resonated through her with a delicious thrill. "You'll be with me."
"Have I ever mentioned how much I love it when you get all possessive like this?"
"I wanted to possess you the first time I set eyes on you." His beard-rough cheek caressed hers. "Even when I told myself I could never have you, I wanted you so bad I couldn't see straight." He nipped her earlobe, making her shiver with need. "And a Maverick always gets what he wants."
Ari threw her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply. "Make love to me, Matt. I need you so badly, need you to--"
He cut off her words by shoving his warm hands under her shirt. Flipping her top over her head, he dipped down to kiss the swell of her breasts, his fingers slipping inside her bra.
"I know exactly what you need, baby."
He always had.
They both tore at her jeans, then his pants, throwing everything across the room until they were skin to skin on the couch.
"I love you," he whispered, rocking slowly against her, sensitizing every inch of her skin. "I love everything about you." He kissed her breasts until she moaned and writhed beneath him. "I want to do so many wicked things to you."
He worked his way down her body, proving over and over how much she mattered with every bite of skin, every erogenous zone. Finally, on his knees beside the couch, he licked the very center of her, sending her spiraling into sheer sensation. She shoved her fingers through his hair, so silky, so thick, as she reveled in the sweet, hot sensuality of his mouth on her.
Lifting his head, his thumb on the apex of her pleasure, he whispered, "I love you."
His voice wrapped around the words she'd longed to hear as he moved over her, giving himself to her with no reservations, no holding back. Just pure pleasure.
And more love than she'd ever known was possible.
She gasped out his name as he filled her up, her body, her heart, her very soul. The feel of him inside her was momentous, with spikes of pleasure shooting through her, setting every cell of her being on fire.
"I want this every day. Forever." His hand on her hip, he pulled her even more tightly against him. His eyes were soft midnight, dark with desire, brimming with emotion as he made his vows to her. "I love you. I will always love you. You are my heart. You're my everything."
She came apart with starbursts before her eyes, the pulse and beat of his climax deep inside her...and the sweet certainty that every ounce of love she had to give would be returned a million times over for the rest of her life.
*
Giddy with happiness, Ari laced her fingers through Matt's as they stepped out of her apartment a short while later. Not even Gideon's absence marred the joy she felt, because she truly believed they would eventually bring her brother home.
Matt carried her bag, and she slung her backpack containing her laptop over her shoulder. She led them down the stairs, and as they turned at the landing, the light in the lower hall was blocked by a man studying the row of mailboxes.
"Can I help you find someone?" she asked.
He turned, and her heart stopped.
The man's hair was military short, and his muscles were as big as a weight lifter's. He was about Matt's age, his face tanned, with lines at his eyes as if he was used to squinting against the sun. An old, battered khaki rucksack lay at his feet.
"Gideon," she whispered.
"Hey, kiddo." His voice cracked, as though he didn't use it a lot, and his eyes were no longer the startling blue she remembered. As though he'd seen things that had leeched the brightness from them.
Ari dropped her backpack on the stairs, and a beat later she was in his arms, hugging him for every one of the sixteen years he'd been gone.
"You're home," she whispered. "I've missed you."
"Missed you too, Ari."
When he finally let her go, Matt held out his hand. "Matt Tremont. I'm your sister's fiance." Turning his head to look directly at her, he dropped every last wall. "You should know that I love Ari very, very much."
She gazed at the two most important men in her life, and a tear slid down her cheek. Matt smoothed it away before looking at her brother. "You weren't here to ask permission. But I hope you'll approve of our marriage."
Gideon looked at Matt as if he were measuring the man he was on the inside, and then back at her. Finally, he said, "I can see how she feels about you."
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"Let's go have a cup of coffee and talk," Matt suggested.
"Yeah." Gideon nodded slowly. "We should talk."
They put his rucksack, along with Ari's bags, into the trunk of Matt's Jaguar. Gideon traveled as lightly as she did, and she wondered if he'd learned that with their mom too. Leaving the dingy neighborhood, they were soon sitting in a coffee shop with old-fashioned vinyl booths and freshly roasted coffee.
"How did you find me?"
Gideon reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter, stained, wrinkled, and smoothed flat again over and over. He slid the worn envelope across the table. The postmark was two years old. She didn't remember the address, but it was probably one she'd scratched off her list when she never heard back.
"I move around a lot." He stared at the letter. "Your letter finally caught up with me a year ago."
"A year ago?" She was thankful for Matt's warm grip and his big presence beside her. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I'm sorry, Ari."
Gideon watched her with those washed-out eyes. They weren't the eyes of the boy she remembered. He was bigger than her memory, and still handsome. But he was also...distant was the only word she could find for it. Like a shadow.
Instead of answering her question, he asked, "How did you two meet?"
"I hired Ari to take care of my son, Noah." Matt explained that she'd been his nanny without even the slightest hint of shame, then brought their linked hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "Your sister has grown into a wonderful woman while you were gone. I've been helping her look for you."
She forced herself to push away the ache of knowing Gideon had waited a year to come home. "What have you been doing? Where have you been?"
"I worked mostly construction since I got out." Gideon drank again, then set his cup back on the table. "Moving around a lot. I did a stint up in Alaska for a while." He laughed softly but not happily. "I'm a drifter."
"But you're home now." It suddenly hit her. "Are you staying? Or will you be moving on?"
"I'm not sure." Gideon wrapped both hands around his mug as if he needed the heat.
"You're welcome to stay with us," Matt said. And it was clear to Ari that he meant it.