Leaving was the only thing about her that he could count on.
And Noah was like Humpty-Dumpty, who couldn't be put back together again.
"I'm sorry," Ari said. "I didn't realize how upset he'd be. Poor guy cried himself to sleep. He thinks she doesn't love him."
Jesus, it killed him that he couldn't figure out how to protect Noah from his own mother. Matt had never wanted his child to feel unloved or unwanted the way he had. But Irene never stuck around to see the aftermath of what she'd done, and when he told her, she simply rolled her eyes and said Noah seemed perfectly happy.
"Don't apologize," he told Ari, his voice gruff as he worked to contain his fury at his ex. "It's not your fault. I should have warned you about Irene." But he barely wanted to admit his terrible choice in girlfriends to himself, let alone tell his new nanny. Especially when he'd been lusting after Ari despite knowing better.
Yet she had clearly handled the whole situation well, calming Noah down enough to play with his Legos. Sometimes it took days for what he'd dubbed The Irene Effect to wear off.
"Actually, that's not all." He braced himself as she said, "She told Noah the reason she couldn't take him to Paris was because you wouldn't let him go with her."
Damn Irene. "I need to mend fences with Noah." He ran his hand through his hair. Because while he needed to deal with the mess Irene had left, that didn't mean he could use it as an excuse to avoid Ari. She deserved better than that. "We need to talk about Irene after Noah's in bed. About last night too." He paused, trying to read her expression, but couldn't get a better handle on what she was feeling than he had that morning. "Is that okay?"
"Yes," she said softly. "I'll leave you two alone for now."
The last time he'd talked with her after Noah had gone to bed, he'd lost control. Ari was pure temptation. But tonight he vowed not to touch her. He wouldn't beg to kiss her. He wouldn't remember the softness of her skin or how sweet she tasted.
No matter what.
Not even if he lost his mind trying.
*
Thankfully, Noah settled down by dinner, and at story time Ari was hugely relieved to see him reading with his father as though nothing had ever happened. She marveled at how quickly--and deeply--the little boy had burrowed into her heart. His happiness mattered to her big-time.
It was unimaginable that Irene had chosen to give up Matt and her beautiful son for the freedom to hop private planes and attend fashion shows in Paris. Ari would have done anything to have a family like them.
Once Noah had fallen asleep, Matt and Ari headed downstairs together to talk. In the living room, he gestured to the sofa while he went to the sideboard. "Would you like something to drink? A glass of wine?" he asked as he poured himself a finger of scotch.
"White, please."
"I should have explained about Irene." He was obviously more ready to tackle the subject of his ex than what they'd done last night. "But she hasn't been here for months. I wasn't even sure she'd show up again."
Ari hated how carefully he avoided brushing her fingertips as he handed her the glass.
"You deserve to know what happened so you understand how it affects Noah when she drops in."
"He was so sad it broke my heart," she said softly.
"That's what I hate." He rolled the glass in his hand, and despite knowing better, she couldn't help but want to be the glass, his hands all over her, heating her. "Nothing I say makes it better. You really helped today, Ari. He doesn't normally recover so quickly."
"A five-year-old shouldn't need to recover from his mother's visit." Maybe she was speaking out of turn, but she understood only too well how hard it was when a parent acted carelessly with your feelings.
He set his glass on the side table, elbows on the arms of the wingback chair, and steepled his fingers. "When she found out she was pregnant, she thought it was a 'total gas.'" He laughed without an ounce of humor. "I would have married her for the baby's sake, but Irene wanted to wait and see how things went."
Ari curled her feet up under her, propped her chin on her hand, and sipped her wine. She wanted to put her arms around him, to erase the pain that laced every word of his story. But after this morning, when he'd made it perfectly clear what a huge mistake their lovemaking had been, she didn't dare touch him.
All she could do was ache.
*
Matt didn't say that Irene had initially wanted to terminate the pregnancy and he'd talked her out of it. He only said, "She was pretty cavalier about the whole thing." He stared at his glass on the table beside him. "She did have some fun with the attention the pregnancy brought."
"Until she had the baby shower and all the presents were for Noah instead of her."
He snorted an abrupt laugh. "That's Irene. Admitting things like that doesn't even bother her."
"At least she's honest about who she is, I suppose."
He was impressed at how much Ari had already figured out. "She told me right up front that she'd make a crappy mother. She bitched and moaned when I said she couldn't drink or have the occasional cigarette. But she gave them up for the duration."
Maybe he'd told Ari enough already, but he'd never really talked about this with anyone before. Not even the Mavericks--at least, not beyond the basics. Susan and Bob knew more, but they were worriers, so he was careful to edit with them too. Ari, though... Ari was different. He got the feeling she understood in a way no one else ever had.
"We met at a Silicon Valley party. I'd started Trebotics." He'd made his first few million, and he'd reshaped himself physically and mentally from the weakling his father had believed him to be. "She was young, only twenty-three. And she made me feel young too." He'd had women before Irene, but she was so fun-loving that she made him want to be fun-loving too. "She never took anything seriously, and for someone like me who took everything seriously, it was...different."
Irene was a slap in the face to everything his parents had taught him--which in retrospect was probably a big part of her allure. His father would have said she was worthless and flighty and Matt was ruining himself by taking up with her. Though his father was gone by then, dead of a massive coronary during Matt's first year in college, being with her still felt like he was getting one up on his dad.
But the Irene he'd thought he wanted turned out to be an illusion. She loved her fun to the point that she had no sense of responsibility. She was caring until she forgot about a friend and snubbed her for another. She lived on the surface of life without any deep thoughts or deep feelings.
"When she found out she was pregnant, I realized I wanted my son more than anything. So I was willing to take her too. But when the baby came along, she decided he wasn't any fun--crying, needy, wanting to be held all the time. Noah was a month old when she handed him over to me." He should have known Irene would never last, but he'd actually been shell-shocked--partly because he had no clue how to take care of a baby either. He'd asked when she'd be back and her answer was simply, I don't know, accompanied by a careless shrug of her shoulders. Whatever trust there'd been between them had died in that moment. Because it wasn't just his son who wasn't enough for Irene. It was Matt. And that destroyed his final thread of hope that he'd one day have a real love like Bob and Susan had.
"I've been trying to understand her," Ari said, with a frown that indicated she wasn't getting very far. "Thank God Noah had you. A lot of kids have no one."
"I wish I could be enough for him," he said in a low tone. "But every time she flits in for an hour or two, then suddenly discovers something more 'important' to do, he ends up feeling like he doesn't matter. Sometimes I think he'd be better off if she were gone forever." He could feel his teeth grinding. He always kept his emotions under control and lost his cool only when his son was threatened, by a nanny or a bully or a bully's mother. But Irene made him want to break his vow to keep his cool in every situation. "She comes back just often enough to keep Noah on her hook."
Ari reached out, then just as quickl
y retreated, dropping her gaze. It was obvious she wanted to offer comfort.
She couldn't know how badly Matt needed that comfort, how much he wanted to wrap himself around her and breathe in her scent like a calm breeze washing over him.
*
The room had grown darker and more intimate the longer they talked. Matt was only a touch away. But no matter how badly she wanted to, Ari couldn't touch, not even when his pain for Noah was like a physical wound in her own body. She hurt for Matt as well, for the hopes he'd had five years ago and the dreams that had died.
"I can't believe she actually brought him firecrackers and a trampoline," he said. "But the Superman parachute is still the ultimate. All I can think is that she wants him to be a daredevil like she is."
Ari could almost see him shudder at the thought. Matt's biggest fear was that something bad would happen to his son, but while she obviously wanted Noah to be safe, little kids still needed to run free and try new things. Which meant they were going to get hurt sometimes.
"Maybe a little daredevil isn't so bad," she said gently. Before Matt could object, she explained, "I don't mean jumping out of planes and lighting firecrackers in the backyard. Just small things like learning some tricks on a scooter. Or a pogo stick." She thought about the water wings that hampered Noah when he was swimming, but decided this still wasn't the right time to bring that up. Not tonight.
Picking up his tumbler, Matt swirled the liquid. "He begged to see Jurassic World, but I should have known he'd be terrified of the dinosaurs. The only reason he wants to try the daredevil stuff is to impress Irene. He wants her to love him so badly that he'll do anything, and I want so badly to protect him from turning himself inside out for her."
Matt was so kind, so loving, and such a great dad--even if he was sometimes as overprotective as Irene was careless. Ari wanted to climb onto his lap and wrap her arms around him, feel him close and warm and solid against her.
Instead, all she could say was, "Being scared of roaring dinosaurs gobbling up people isn't the same as wanting to try things like the trampoline." Though Noah could probably do more than his dad would let him. "I was terrified of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz when I was a kid."
"You were afraid of the monkeys, not the witch?"
"They had big, awful grins."
"For me it was Natural Born Killers."
She gaped. "Your parents let you watch Natural Born Killers?"
He shrugged. "My dad said you had to be tough to get along in this world. My mom agreed with him."
"That's crazy. How old were you?"
"I was twelve." He grimaced. "In reality, it's probably not any worse than a lot of video games. It was just seeing it up there on the big screen."
She could see that he was trying to move them beyond the specter of Natural Born Killers, but Ari still thought it was crazy to take a kid, even a twelve-year-old, to see a couple cut a bloody swath across middle America.
She might not be able to wrap her arms around him, but she could make sure he heard the truth. "You're doing a great job, Matt. No matter what else happens, Noah will always know how much you love him."
He stared at her for long moments before he finally said, "Thank you for being so good with him under difficult circumstances."
She blushed at his praise. And the way he looked at her. As if there was more he needed to say. More he wanted to do.
God, how she longed to be in his arms, where nothing else mattered but how much pleasure they could give each other. And where she'd finally felt like she mattered.
It was long past time to shift the conversation to what they'd done together the night before. It might feel easier in the short term just to ignore it, but she couldn't let it fester between them--and he obviously didn't want that either, since he'd brought it up earlier.
"About last night--"
He held up a hand. "I can't apologize enough for what I did."
Frustration ate at her. Didn't he see that she'd been a totally willing partner in their lovemaking? And that he hadn't coerced her into anything?
In a deliberately measured voice, she said, "As I mentioned before, it wasn't just you. I'm the one who kissed you first last night. And I won't regret what we did." A muscle jumped in his jaw as he listened, and she had to wonder if he might be equally frustrated. "In any case," she made herself continue, "I want to reassure you that what happened between us hasn't changed anything about my dedication to Noah or this job."
He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I know you'd never walk away from us." He grimaced as if he'd said the wrong thing. "From Noah, I mean. And I'm the one who needs to reassure you. You should know how much I want you to be Noah's nanny. Last night didn't change that."
She swallowed hard, working to keep her emotions leashed as she nodded to let him know she understood. Last night he'd told her how much he wanted her, and not just for his son. Twenty-four hours later, they were back to square one.
The only square they were allowed to stand in, it seemed.
The silence lay heavily between them before he finally broke it. "It's late. I should let you go to bed." The word alone hung unspoken in the air. "Good night, Ari."
She'd known from the start that fantasies were all she could ever have, so she made herself say, "Good night, Matt," and walk away.
*
Matt poured himself another finger of scotch. He didn't need it, but if he didn't do something with his hands and mouth, he'd follow Ari upstairs and put them all over her.
He couldn't believe he'd told her about Natural Born Killers. What the hell must she think of him now, after Irene had descended like a phantom of all that could go wrong--and then he'd started spilling about his parents?
It had been his birthday. Matt had wanted to see The Mask with Jim Carrey. He remembered sitting in that movie theater with his parents, his eyes squeezed shut against all the blood, the casual death, and he'd actually been ashamed. His dad had punched his arm hard when he realized Matt's eyes were closed, and hissed, "I'm not wasting all that money on a movie for you to sit there with your eyes closed, ya little weenie." His father continued to pinch him every time he thought Matt's eyes were closed.
Sissy. Weenie. You could learn a lesson here about sticking up for yourself.
And while his mother hadn't said a word, she'd closed her eyes during all the gore too.
She'd died of cancer a couple of years ago. He'd paid for her care, her hospital bills, and for the house payments after his father's death--but she'd never asked Matt's forgiveness for the role she'd played in his upbringing. A mother's job was to protect her children, but she hadn't even tried. She'd never even asked to meet Noah. On her deathbed, she'd laid claim to turning Matt into the man he was--how everything they'd said, everything they'd done had toughened him up, prepared him for life, for success.
But the only thing they'd prepared him for was survival. He'd somehow managed to survive his parents, but it was Susan and Bob who'd prepared him for life, who'd hugged him the way his parents never had. After that birthday, he'd stayed at Daniel's more frequently. He'd never actually moved in--his father would never let him go--but more often than not, he was underfoot at the Spencers'. And the Mavericks had become his family.
He was blessed to have Noah and the Mavericks and Susan and Bob. He'd betrayed not only Ari's trust by taking her to bed, he'd also betrayed his family's trust in him to do the right thing.
What's more, Ari was sweet, kind, and so good for Noah. So no matter how badly Matt wanted her, he couldn't afford to lose her by crossing that line with her.
Ever again.
Chapter Thirteen
Sunday was Cookie's day off, as well as Ari's. But instead of heading out right away to see her friends, Ari ate breakfast with Matt and Noah.
"Can I break the eggs?" Noah was asking Matt at the stove as Ari pushed through the swinging door.
"I don't want you to get too close to the stove in case the bacon fat spits on you. Why
don't you sit at the counter with Ari?"
Noah climbed up beside her, and she pushed the pitcher to him so he could pour himself a glass of juice. She half expected Matt to say the juice pitcher was too heavy for him. Noah clearly wanted to help, and he could have broken the eggs without getting anywhere near the bacon. But Matt tended to be overly cautious.
She chatted with Noah about his favorite cartoon, while Matt drained the bacon and scrambled the eggs. Then he finally sat at the counter beside them.
"Do you have big plans for the day?" he asked in a voice that was far too polite, especially considering how intimate they'd been.
She told herself she'd eventually get used to it. After her heart mended.
But not only were they acting as if Friday's lovemaking had never happened, Noah didn't say a word about his mother either, as though there'd been no visit from Irene yesterday. Ari had even removed the bandage from his forehead. New day, new attitude. If it didn't feel right that they were all shoving too much under the rug...well, Ari shoved that feeling under the rug too.
"I'm going to visit Rosie and Jorge."
"Jorge's fun," Noah said as he pushed his scrambled eggs around his plate as though he were excavating.
"Sounds like a great day."
She hated how forced Matt's smile seemed. God, any minute now they'd start talking about the weather.
"What about you two?" she asked.
Matt looked at Noah. "We'll figure something out. Whatever we do, at least we've got great weather, don't we?"
She barely held in her wince at his mention of the weather as Noah nodded, then shoveled his eggs onto his fork and chewed with big bites.
She wanted to make suggestions for them. And she wanted to go with them. But she wasn't family--she was just the nanny.
After finishing her eggs, she laid her napkin on the table. "Thanks for breakfast. Can I help with the dishes?"
Matt waved her offer away. "Don't worry. I'll handle it. Enjoy your day."
When he didn't ask her to change her plans to hang out with them instead, a sharp pang in her chest said she wasn't totally in control of her dreams. All those times she'd let go of foster families or old boyfriends hadn't actually been all that hard. But with Matt...