CHAPTER X.
_THE SAD AND SOBER PART._
"How will he look? what will he say? can any thing make us forget andbe happy again?" were the first questions Rose asked herself as soonas she woke from the brief sleep which followed a long, sad vigil. Itseemed as if the whole world must be changed, because a troubledarkened it for her. She was too young yet to know how possible it isto forgive much greater sins than this, forget far heavierdisappointments, outlive higher hopes, and bury loves compared towhich hers was but a girlish fancy. She wished it had not been sobright a day, wondered how her birds could sing with such shrillgayety, put no ribbon in her hair, and said, as she looked at thereflection of her own tired face in the glass,--
"Poor thing! you thought the new leaf would have something pleasant onit. The story has been very sweet and easy to read so far, but the sadand sober part is coming now."
A tap at the door reminded her that, in spite of her afflictions,breakfast must be eaten; and the sudden thought that Charlie mightstill be in the house made her hurry to the door, to find Dr. Alecwaiting for her with his morning smile. She drew him in, and whisperedanxiously, as if some one lay dangerously ill near by,--
"Is he better, uncle? Tell me all about it: I can bear it now."
Some men would have smiled at her innocent distress, and told her thiswas only what was to be expected and endured; but Dr. Alec believed inthe pure instincts that make youth beautiful, desired to keep themtrue, and hoped his girl would never learn to look unmoved by pain andpity upon any human being vanquished by a vice, no matter how trivialit seemed, how venial it was held. So his face grew grave, though hisvoice was cheerful as he answered,--
"All right, I dare say, by this time; for sleep is the best medicinein such cases. I took him home last night, and no one knows he camebut you and I."
"No one ever shall. How did you do it, uncle?"
"Just slipped out of the long study-window, and got him cannily off;for the air and motion, after a dash of cold water, brought him round,and he was glad to be safely landed at home. His rooms are below, youknow: so no one was disturbed, and I left him sleeping nicely."
"Thank you so much," sighed Rose. "And Brutus? weren't they frightenedwhen he got back alone?"
"Not at all: the sagacious beast went quietly to the stable, and thesleepy groom asked no questions; for Charlie often sends the horseround by himself when it is late or stormy. Rest easy, dear: no eyebut ours saw the poor lad come and go, and we'll forgive it for love'ssake."
"Yes, but not forget it. _I_ never can; and he will never be again tome the Charlie I've been so proud and fond of all these years. Ouncle, such a pity! such a pity!"
"Don't break your tender heart about it, child; for it is notincurable, thank God! I don't make light of it; but I am sure thatunder better influences Charlie will redeem himself, because hisimpulses are good, and this his only vice. I can hardly blame him forwhat he is, because his mother did the harm. I declare to you, Rose, Isometimes feel as if I must break out against that woman, and thunderin her ears that she is ruining the immortal soul for which she isresponsible to heaven."
Dr. Alec seldom spoke in this way, and when he did it was ratherawful; for his indignation was of the righteous sort, and much thunderoften rouses up a drowsy soul when sunshine has no effect. Rose likedit, and sincerely wished Aunt Clara had been there to get the benefitof the outbreak; for she needed just such an awakening from theself-indulgent dream in which she lived.
"Do it, and save Charlie before it is too late!" she cried, kindlingherself as she watched him; for he looked like a roused lion, as hewalked about the room, with his hand clenched and a spark in his eye,evidently in desperate earnest, and ready to do almost any thing.
"Will you help?" he asked, stopping suddenly, with a look that madeher stand up straight and strong as she answered with an eagervoice,--
"I will."
"Then don't love him--yet."
That startled her; but she asked steadily, though her heart began tobeat and her color to come,--
"Why not?"
"Firstly, because no woman should give her happiness into the keepingof a man without fixed principles; secondly, because the hope of beingworthy of you will help him more than any prayers or preaching ofmine. Thirdly, because it will need all our wit and patience to undothe work of nearly four and twenty years. You understand what I mean?"
"Yes, sir."
"Can you say 'No' when he asks you to say 'Yes,' and wait a little foryour happiness?"
"I can."
"And will you?"
"I will."
"Then I'm satisfied, and a great weight taken off my heart. I can'thelp seeing what goes on, or trembling when I think of you settingsail with no better pilot than poor Charlie. Now you answer as I hopedyou would, and I am proud of my girl!"
They had been standing with the width of the room between them, Dr.Alec looking very much like a commander issuing orders, Rose like awell-drilled private obediently receiving them; and both wore the airof soldiers getting ready for a battle, with the bracing of nerves andquickening of the blood brave souls feel as they put on their armor.At the last words he went to her, brushed back the hair, and kissedher on the forehead with a tender sort of gravity, and a look thatmade her feel as if he had endowed her with the Victoria cross forcourage on the field.
No more was said then; for Aunt Plenty called them down, and the day'sduties began. But that brief talk showed Rose what to do, and fittedher to do it; for it set her to thinking of the duty one owes one'sself in loving as in all the other great passions or experiences whichmake or mar a life.
She had plenty of time for quiet meditation that day, because everyone was resting after yesterday's festivity; and she sat in herlittle room planning out a new year, so full of good works, grandsuccesses, and beautiful romances, that if it could have been realizedthe Millennium would have begun. It was a great comfort to her,however, and lightened the long hours haunted by a secret desire toknow when Charlie would come, and a secret fear of the first meeting.She was sure he would be bowed down with humiliation and repentance,and a struggle took place in her mind between the pity she could nothelp feeling, and the disapprobation she ought to show. She decided tobe gentle, but very frank; to reprove, but also to console, and try toimprove the softened moment by inspiring the culprit with a wish forall the virtues which make a perfect man.
This fond delusion grew quite absorbing, and her mind was full of itas she sat watching the sun set from her western window, and admiringwith dreamy eyes the fine effect of the distant hills clear and darkagainst a daffodil sky, when the bang of a door made her sit suddenlyerect in her low chair, and say with a catch in her breath,--
"He is coming! I must remember what I promised uncle, and be veryfirm."
Usually Charlie announced his approach with music of some sort: now heneither whistled, hummed, nor sung, but came so quietly Rose was surethat he dreaded the meeting as much as she did, and, compassionatinghis natural confusion, did not look round as the steps drew near. Shethought perhaps he would go down upon his knees, as he used to after aboyish offence, but hoped not; for too much humility distressed her:so she waited for the first demonstration anxiously.
It was rather a shock when it came, however; for a great nosegaydropped into her lap, and a voice, bold and gay as usual, saidlightly,--
"Here she is, as pretty and pensive as you please. Is the worldhollow, our doll stuffed with sawdust, and do we want to go into anunnery to-day, cousin?"
Rose was so taken aback by this unexpected coolness that the flowerslay unnoticed, as she looked up with a face so full of surprise,reproach, and something like shame, that it was impossible to mistakeits meaning. Charlie did not; and had the grace to redden deeply, andhis eyes fell, as he said quickly, though in the same light tone,--
"I humbly apologize for--coming so late last night. Don't be hard uponme, cousin: you know America expects every man to do his duty onNew-Year's day."
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p; "I am tired of forgiving! You make and break promises as easily as youdid years ago, and I shall never ask you for another," answered Rose,putting the bouquet away; for the apology did not satisfy her, and shewould not be bribed to silence.
"But, my dear girl, you are so very exacting, so peculiar in yournotions, and so angry about trifles, that a poor fellow can't pleaseyou, try as he will," began Charlie, ill at ease, but too proud toshow half the penitence he felt, not so much for the fault as for herdiscovery of it.
"I am not angry: I am grieved and disappointed; for _I_ expect everyman to do his duty in another way, and keep his word to the uttermost,as I try to do. If that is exacting, I'm sorry, and won't trouble youwith my old-fashioned notions any more."
"Bless my soul! what a rout about nothing! I own that I forgot: I knowI acted like a fool, and I beg pardon; what more _can_ I do?"
"Act like a man, and never let me be so terribly ashamed of you againas I was last night," and Rose gave a little shiver as she thought ofit.
That involuntary act hurt Charlie more than her words, and it was histurn now to feel "terribly ashamed;" for the events of the previousevening were very hazy in his mind, and fear magnified them greatly.Turning sharply away, he went and stood by the fire, quite at a losshow to make his peace this time, because Rose was so unlike herself.Usually a word of excuse sufficed, and she seemed glad to pardon andforget; now, though very quiet, there was something almost stern abouther that surprised and daunted him; for how could he know that all thewhile her pitiful heart was pleading for him, and the very effort tocontrol it made her seem a little hard and cold? As he stood there,restlessly fingering the little ornaments upon the chimney-piece, hiseye brightened suddenly; and, taking up the pretty bracelet lyingthere, he went slowly back to her, saying in a tone that was humbleand serious enough now,--
"I _will_ act like a man, and you shall never be ashamed again. Onlybe kind to me: let me put this on, and promise afresh; this time Iswear I'll keep it. Won't you trust me, Rose?"
It was very hard to resist the pleading voice and eyes: for thishumility was dangerous; and, but for Uncle Alec, Rose would haveanswered "Yes." The blue forget-me-nots reminded her of her ownpromise; and she kept it with difficulty now, to be glad alwaysafterward. Putting back the offered trinket with a gentle touch, shesaid firmly, though she dared not look up into the anxious facebending toward her,--
"No, Charlie: I can't wear it yet. My hands must be free if I'm tohelp you as I ought. I will be kind; I will trust you: but don't swearany thing, only try to resist temptation, and we'll all stand by you."
Charlie did not like that, and lost the ground he had gained by sayingimpetuously,--
"I don't want any one but you to stand by me, and I must be sure youwon't desert me, else, while I'm mortifying soul and body to pleaseyou, some stranger will come and steal your heart away from me. Icouldn't bear that; so I give you fair warning, in such a case I'llbreak the bargain, and go straight to the devil."
The last sentence spoilt it all; for it was both masterful anddefiant. Rose had the Campbell spirit in her, though it seldomshowed; as yet she valued her liberty more than any love offered her,and she resented the authority he assumed too soon,--resented it allthe more warmly, because of the effort she was making to reinstate herhero, who would insist on being a very faulty and ungrateful man. Sherose straight out of her chair, saying with a look and tone whichrather startled her hearer, and convinced him that she was no longer atender-hearted child, but a woman with a will of her own, and a spiritas proud and fiery as any of her race,--
"My heart is my own, to dispose of as I please. Don't shut yourselfout of it by presuming too much; for you have no claim on me but thatof cousinship, and you never will have unless you earn it. Rememberthat, and neither threaten nor defy me any more."
For a minute it was doubtful whether Charlie would answer this flashwith another, and a general explosion ensue; or wisely quench theflame with the mild answer which turneth away wrath. He chose thelatter course, and made it very effective by throwing himself downbefore his offended goddess, as he had often done in jest; this timeit was not acting, but serious earnest, and there was real passion inhis voice, as he caught Rose's dress in both hands, saying eagerly,--
"No, no! don't shut your heart against me, or I shall turn desperate.I'm not half good enough for such a saint as you, but you can do whatyou will with me. I only need a motive to make a man of me, and wherecan I find a stronger one than in trying to keep your love?"
"It is not yours yet," began Rose, much moved, though all the whileshe felt as if she was on a stage, and had a part to play; for Charliehad made life so like a melodrama that it was hard for him to be quitesimple even when most sincere.
"Let me earn it, then. Show me how, and I'll do any thing: for you aremy good angel, Rose; and, if you cast me off, I feel as if I shouldn'tcare how soon there was an end of me," cried Charlie, getting tragicin his earnestness, and putting both arms round her, as if his onlysafety lay in clinging to this beloved fellow-creature.
Behind footlights it would have been irresistible; but somehow it didnot touch the one spectator, though she had neither time nor skill todiscover why. For all their ardor the words did not ring quite true:despite the grace of the attitude, she would have liked him bettermanfully erect upon his feet; and, though the gesture was full oftenderness, a subtle instinct made her shrink away, as she said with acomposure that surprised herself, even more than it did him,--
"Please don't. No, I will promise nothing yet; for I must respect theman I love."
That brought Charlie to his feet, pale with something deeper thananger; for the recoil told him more plainly than the words how much hehad fallen in her regard since yesterday. The memory of the happymoment when she gave the rose with that new softness in her eyes, theshy color, the sweet "for my sake," came back with sudden vividness,contrasting sharply with the now averted face, the hand out-stretchedto put him back, the shrinking figure: and in that instant's silencepoor Charlie realized what he had lost; for a girl's first thought oflove is as delicate a thing as the rosy morning-glory, that a breathof air can shatter. Only a hint of evil, only an hour's debasement forhim, a moment's glimpse for her of the coarser pleasures men know, andthe innocent heart, just opening to bless and to be blessed, closedagain like a sensitive plant, and shut him out perhaps for ever.
The consciousness of this turned him pale with fear: for his love wasdeeper than she knew; and he proved this when he said in a tone sofull of mingled pain and patience that it touched her to the heart,--
"You _shall_ respect me if I can make you; and when I've earned it mayI hope for something more?"
She looked up then, saw in his face the noble shame, the humble sortof courage, that shows repentance to be genuine, and gives promise ofsuccess, and, with a hopeful smile that was a cordial to him, answeredheartily,--
"You may."
"Bless you for that! I'll make no promises, I'll ask for none: onlytrust me, Rose; and, while you treat me like a cousin, remember thatno matter how many lovers you may have, you'll never be to any ofthem as dear as you are to me."
A traitorous break in his voice warned Charlie to stop there: and,with no other good-by, he very wisely went away, leaving Rose to putthe neglected flowers into water with remorseful care, and lay awaythe bracelet, saying to herself,--
"I'll never wear it till I feel as I did before; then he shall put iton, and I'll say 'Yes.'"