Before the outcome of my trial. That's what Aurelia meant to say. Still, I nodded in agreement, then added, "What about you?"
"I'm staying here."
"I want you to go with Livia and Radulf."
"I'm sure you do," she said. "But I won't leave without you."
"You know I'll never --"
Her response came swiftly, though her voice seemed to break a little. "Don't say it, Nic, just don't! We will find a way to get you to Britannia, alive and well."
I was glad she believed that, for what little good it did any of us.
Aurelia noticed the somber change in my mood and quickly added, "Radulf's leg was injured even before the arena, but it will heal eventually. Livia bound up his wrist, but it wasn't as bad as it could've been. He'll be all right, thanks to you." Her hand accidentally brushed against one of the wounds higher on my shoulder, and I gasped again. "Oh, sorry!"
"There's no point in this," I said. "By tomorrow, it won't matter."
Crispus leaned toward me. "I'm defending you, remember?"
Yes, with his long history of having defended exactly zero other people before. My confidence in him was not great. "Have they listed any charges?" I asked. "Or am I on trial simply for existing?"
He shrugged. "The charges aren't hard to guess. They'll accuse you of attacking your master and the soldiers at the mines, escaping as a slave, causing the destruction of the amphitheater -- I'm not sure anyone's ever done that before, but it's got to be a crime. They'll also try you for the theft of the bulla, which they will claim is the property of Rome, and will probably accuse you of the same with the Malice."
When he went silent, I asked, "Is that all?"
He missed the sarcasm. "Well, they might try to connect you to the deaths of the two previous emperors, but I'm fairly sure I can save you from that accusation."
"Only that one?" I asked.
"I can defend you of everything where you're innocent."
"I had nothing to do with the emperors' deaths," I said. "But for the rest of the charges, I'm guilty. Make whatever fancy speech you want -- nothing will change the fact that I took the bulla from Caesar's cave. Every crime I've committed began there."
"If I had any money left, I'd bribe them all," Aurelia said.
"And I can't bribe them," Crispus said. "Not as a judge of these courts. It would be dishonorable."
"Bribery wouldn't save me anyway," I said. "There isn't enough gold in Rome to persuade the emperor to let me go. We all know that."
Aurelia touched Crispus's arm. "He needs more bandages than I've brought. Can you find some?"
"The markets are closed already," he said, getting to his feet. "But if I find anything that can be used, I'll bring it here."
Once he had gone, Aurelia began applying the medicines to my back. The honey was warm and sticky, but it soothed the worst of the sting, even beneath her touch. As she worked, I couldn't clear from my mind the conversation I'd had earlier with Crispus. He didn't love Aurelia and was only marrying her out of a sense of duty. But he'd release her from her promise if she wanted that, if there were someone else she'd rather marry -- and hadn't she all but said those very words to me?
"Does this hurt?" she asked.
"No."
"Are you sure? Your breath is shallow."
Yes, it was. I turned to her, lowering my voice as much as possible in case anyone passed by. "That's because I've got to talk to you. And maybe it's better that I can't really see you because I think if I could, I would lose what little is left of my courage."
She stopped working on my back, lowered the medicine jar she'd been holding, and leaned around to where I could see her. As I had suspected, my courage faltered, but I was still determined to say what needed to be said.
"Crispus wants to marry Livia." I spoke the words slowly, watching for Aurelia's response. Did she already know this? Was she in favor of the idea? Or was I revealing a secret that might wound her for years to come?
Aurelia immediately calmed any of those concerns. "Livia would like that too. It's one of the reasons she refused to travel to Britannia with your mother. She wouldn't leave tomorrow either if Radulf didn't need her help. She doesn't want to leave you behind, of course. But she's also worried for Crispus."
"Oh." Back at the mines, no one had been closer to Livia than I had. It made me sad to think that I had become distant from her, that she might have thoughts and feelings she kept to herself or, at least, kept from me. Though perhaps by the end of tomorrow, that distance would protect her emotions.
"She would want to know they have your blessing," Aurelia said. "She loves him and hopes you will understand."
"I'm not sure I understand love," I said. "Not the way I want to. When the Romans invaded Gaul, my father attempted to make a Jupiter Stone, knowing it would probably kill him, but believing it was his last chance to save my family. Was that love or foolishness?"
"Love can be foolish," Aurelia said.
"At the mines, my mother got herself traded away from me and Livia, believing that through her, they'd find me, knowing magic is drawn to my family. For five years, we had to make it on our own, without our mother. Was that love or her faith in us to survive?"
"Love does require faith." Aurelia moved closer to me.
"Radulf traded himself for me, knowing the Mistress would torture him. Possibly even knowing she would take his magic."
"Then love requires courage as well," Aurelia said.
"Why are you here?" I asked. "Why do you always come back, knowing the danger that has followed me since the first day we met?"
Her whole face seemed to glow. "You know why."
My breathing had become shallow again. "If my situation were different, or if I were anyone else, I would've confessed my feelings long ago." I paused a moment to lick my lips and to catch what little breath I still had left. "I'm in love with you, Aurelia. The kind of love where at first I couldn't get you out of my head, and after that, I never wanted to. The kind of love where I would take a thousand more whippings if it meant I'd have you at the end of it." Now my gaze fell. "But it's also the kind of love where asking for marriage would be cruel because we both know how tomorrow will go, and I won't obligate you to that."
"If you ask," she whispered, "I would still say yes."
Tears filled my eyes, and I had to look away. "Livia will eventually find someone else to love. I want you to keep your promise to Crispus. That will save you from the Mistress, from her revenge when she gets free one day. And after tomorrow's trial, I need to face my punishment knowing that he will always take care of you."
"I don't need someone to take care of me!" Aurelia's temper was stirring.
"If you marry him --"
"You say that you love me and then ask me to marry someone else?"
"For good reasons!"
"Nothing that's good would hurt like this," she said. "We can fix this. I'll go find tools that can get those chains off your wrists. Or fire off as many arrows as it takes tomorrow until you can run."
"You won't do either of those things. And you can't succeed here, even if you tried. We both know that." I drew in a slow breath. "Don't come to the trial tomorrow. Stay in hiding with the amulets, protect them with as much force as you'd protect me. After the trial, when Crispus comes to find you, leave immediately for Britannia, and catch up to Radulf and Livia if you can, for everyone's safety. My mother will be there -- tell her I love her too. Promise me you'll go."
She shook her head, letting tears fall onto her cheeks. "I won't promise that."
"Aurelia --"
"Haven't you already promised that you would live? If you keep that promise, then there's no reason for me to leave tomorrow."
"I made that promise when I had enough magic to defend myself."
"And is that all you are? Back at the mines, before you had magic, weren't you fighting every single day? Maybe with your wit and intelligence, and maybe even your fists, if necessary, but you did fight. Use
all of that now. Fight back and survive this, and then you will come and find me and ask me to marry you, and if you ask nicely enough, I might consider forgiving you for putting me through all of this and decide whether you deserve me."
I smiled. "Then you love me too?"
"I'm angry with you! If you want to hear anything more, you'll just have to live." She stood and then drew in a sharp breath.
"What is it?" I asked. Not that I could do anything about it.
"That stag we saw on Radulf's property a few nights ago; it's back."
I rotated my body until I could see it, passing between the columns of the Senate House. Its black eyes studied me a moment, and then Aurelia.
"This is no coincidence," Aurelia murmured.
Obviously not, though it was hardly at the top of my concerns. Only a moment later, Crispus called out that he had found bandages. The stag startled and darted around the corner of the basilica to the back of the building.
By the time Crispus placed the bandages in Aurelia's hands, she had forgotten about the stag. "Just hold still and let me bandage this," she said. "The wounds need to heal before you come with us to Britannia. Which I still believe you are going to do."
She returned to working on my back, which should've hurt. But it didn't. Instead, all I felt was the touch of a girl who expected me to survive so that I could marry her. With that thought floating in my head, suddenly I didn't hurt at all.
My trial was to take place in the same open forum where they had kept me chained up all night. Crispus was at my side when they released me from the fig tree and had a new green tunic with an embroidered gold border waiting to replace the one the whip had shredded yesterday. Aurelia wasn't with us anymore. Once Crispus had agreed with me that it was more important for her to keep watch over the amulets, she finally left. That was only an excuse to keep her away from the trial, of course, and she knew it. But she also knew Livia was leaving and someone had to stay with the amulets.
Crispus seemed to know that some sort of conversation had taken place between me and Aurelia, but he didn't ask and neither of us offered any information. I appreciated that. I had enough on my mind already, and I hoped he did too, namely what sort of clever excuses for my crimes he intended to offer.
He did appear to be deep in thought while the emperor's soldiers unchained me and led me to the front of a gathering crowd. Emperor Probus would sit on the rostra while I was made to kneel on the ground before him. Crispus stood to my right, so nervous he kept clearing his throat with the same urgency as if trying to swallow a cucumber whole. Brutus was on my left, and I was sure the temptation to kick me was bothering him. That was fine. The temptation to trip him as he paced back and forth was bothering me too.
"How's your back?" Crispus asked.
I noticed Brutus staring down at me. It still hurt to shrug, especially now that my back was wrapped in tight bandages held in place with honey. So instead, I flicked apart my fingers and said, "Whoever whipped me hits like a grandmother."
Crispus chuckled at the insult but became distracted by a passing official asking him a question. While they talked, Brutus crouched beside me, gripping my arm so tight that my jaw clenched in response. "This is your last chance. Tell me where the amulets are, promise to help me use them, and I will save your life in this trial. Otherwise, the emperor will order several times worse than what happened yesterday. If he does not recognize your citizenship, then Probus can order almost whatever he wants for your execution."
"I have no intention of dying today." I tried to pull my arm away, but failed.
"Do you think your intentions can save you?" Brutus asked. "Look up beside you at the boy who is providing your defense. By his own admission, he is no politician, no orator. He has never defended anyone before and has the unfortunate task of defending crimes everyone knows you have committed. If all your hope is left to Crispus, then you are doomed."
I looked him directly in the eyes. "It's not so much my faith in Crispus as my confidence in your ability to fail." Now I freed my arm. "Why has the Mistress put so much faith in a Praetor who has failed time and again to help her? Have you succeeded at anything she has asked? Once again, she is held in captivity, and you don't even know where she is."
"But you know," Atroxia said into my head. "If you die today, I am just as doomed as you are. I deserved my punishment, as you deserve yours. But neither of us deserves our curse, or our death. Please, Nicolas, obtain my forgiveness."
Brutus had flinched at my words, but then I had flinched at the Mistress too. Brutus quickly recovered, saying, "Where are the amulets, Nicolas? Where is the Mistress? Tell me so that I can ask for mercy upon you."
"What sort of mercy? Yours?" The idea of it nearly made me laugh. "Why would I agree to save my life only to have it placed in your hands? Is there anything you won't do to force my cooperation, anyone I care about who you will not touch? Once you have killed everyone who stands between you and my amulets, you will force me to create a Jupiter Stone, an act which will still get me killed." My eyes narrowed. "Is that your idea of mercy?"
He tapped the side of my cheek, playfully but still harder than I liked. "Yes, that is my mercy. And trust me, it would be better than this. Sit up straight, the emperor is coming. You're out of time."
When Emperor Probus entered the comitium, everyone who had gathered fell to their knees, then rose again upon his order. With chains still forcing me to stay down, all I could do was look up the marble steps at the emperor, cloaked once again in purple robes, but this time with a gold leaf crown on his head. Despite what he had allowed to happen yesterday, I still believed him to be a good man, not a madman like Caligula or evil like Nero, or even weak like the two emperors prior to him had been.
But Brutus was also correct that as a new emperor, Probus needed to prove his strength to the people. I was guilty of nearly all the crimes of which I'd been accused, any one of which was punishable in the most severe way. Even if I tried to claim innocence, at least half the population of Rome had seen enough of my crimes to speak against me and seal my fate.
"Nicolas Calva," the emperor boomed, "you were brought here from Gaul as a slave of the empire and assigned to work in the mines. Is that where you found Julius Caesar's bulla?"
"Yes."
"Surely you knew its value and knew it did not belong to you. Why didn't you give it to the empire?"
"I tried to warn the empire about it, and about the threats that would come if they ignored the power of this amulet. Their response was a promise to kill me."
Crispus cast me a glare. In hindsight, it might've been unwise to remind Probus that the empire already had a verdict pronounced upon me.
"The empire's decision was correct." Probus leaned forward in his seat. "You were a slave, and a runaway slave at that. There's never been any value in your life."
"My life is important to me." I heard chuckles in the crowd and sat taller. "It's important to my sister, who needed me for her survival. And to my mother, who had my promise that I would bring our family together again. The Roman Empire is magnificent, and I have tried my best to protect it. But my first loyalty is to my family, to those I love."
The crowd seemed to have softened at that, but Probus did not. "Rome is the family!" he said. "Once you were sold to us, the empire became your only family."
No, for me, that was never true. I arched my neck. "My freedom has been purchased. I'm a citizen of Rome now."
"If I recognize your citizenship," Probus said. "Why would I do that for someone who thinks so little of the empire?"
Crispus stepped forward, saying, "He admits to having great powers, Caesar, but he used them only for the love of his family. If he wanted to destroy the empire, it would already be destroyed. If he wanted to use his magic for harm, he would have done it."
"Hasn't he done harm?" Brutus's voice was thick with righteous anger. "The amphitheater still has some damage from what Nicolas did the first time he entered it. Homes were also floode
d and set on fire near the baths on the Appian Way. Throughout the city, strips of land have collapsed beneath his touch. And an ancient temple on Senator Valerius's land was completely destroyed thanks to this boy's magic, not to mention most of General Radulf's property. If you set this boy free, what will he do next?"
Explode Brutus's home. That was my current plan. But I didn't say that. It seemed unwise to offer up such an answer.
"Allow him to leave the empire," Crispus said. "Acting with strength and wisdom, Caesar gave mercy to General Radulf, granting him his life but banishing him from the empire. Give this boy the same consequences. For any crimes he may have committed, he was thoroughly punished yesterday. That was the strong arm of Rome. Let the people see that Rome has mercy too. Banish this boy from the empire, but give him back his life."
"Give me his life instead." Brutus looked down his nose at me, as if I were already in his control. "This boy came to Rome as a slave. What message does it send if Caesar releases him from Rome in freedom? Make him a slave again, and I will use his magic to serve Rome."
"Or destroy it," I muttered. "Praetors are the enemy here, not me."
"What was that?" Probus asked. "Speak up, boy."
"Don't," Crispus hissed at me. "Look at who is helping the emperor judge this trial. Praetors! What do you think will happen if you accuse them?"
"I ordered you to speak!" Probus clearly didn't appreciate being ignored.
Crispus turned to the emperor, becoming desperate in his gestures. "Caesar must forgive him. My friend is uneducated, and weakened from yesterday."
"I said that if you turn me over to Brutus, he will use me to destroy the empire." This time, I made sure I was loud enough to be heard by as many of the crowd as possible. Including the Praetors.
Crispus touched my arm. "Nic, don't --"
"Caesar, I ask to speak for myself." Crispus wouldn't like this, but I didn't particularly like being described as uneducated and weakened, even if it was true.
"It is not a wise request," Probus said. "But it is allowed."
Crispus shook his head. "No offense, Nic, but speaking for yourself has never been your biggest strength. You don't know the law, or how to speak to these men. There's nothing you can say to get yourself out of trouble."