I keep walking toward my car. Vic is close behind. I can feel the electricity in the air between us. "I don't want to talk to you."
"Why? Because you don't want to hear the truth? You're so good at keeping secrets, Monika. Too good. Stop hiding behind your fears and be real with me. I want to make sure you're okay from the other night." He clears his throat. "I was kind of an asshole, and well, I just wasn't prepared for what happened. And hell, maybe the entire thing was too real. But I want to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it. It's fine," I say as a lump forms in my throat. I want to scream out the truth, that I've fallen madly, deeply in love with him. When I gave myself to him physically the other night, I also gave him my heart.
But I'm too much of a coward to tell him I love him.
"You sure?" he asks.
"It was no big deal."
The truth is, it was a big deal. I wanted to be held and told I was cared for. Maybe I even wanted to be told he loved me. I should be over it, but I've been an emotional wreck ever since.
"I've been thinkin' a lot, and I'm sorry," he says. "You deserved better than that."
"Apology accepted," I say, my lips in a tight thin line. I need to protect myself from the pain I'm feeling. Maybe if I lie to him, the pain in my heart will magically disintegrate. "Now go away. I don't want to have anything to do with you."
He shoves his hands in his pockets and steps away from me. "Do you really mean that? Because I have a lot of other stuff to say to you."
No. "Yes, I mean it. Leave me alone." I'm scared he'll tell me that everything that happened between us was a mistake. I can't handle hearing that now.
"Okay. I get it." He takes another step away from me. "Bye, Monika. I won't bother you ever again."
I swallow the lump in my throat and say, "Good."
Chapter Fifty-one
VICTOR
"Are you aware that it's four-fucking-thirty in the morning?" Isa asks me as she walks down to the shop in her pajamas and sees me working on one of the cars.
"Yep."
"Why? I heard noise down here, and I knew it was you. You have a distinct way of not being quiet when you're workin' on cars. Mainly it's the music you listen to, Vic. It's loud."
"It makes me pumped."
"Can you go to sleep now and get pumped at seven? Or six, even?"
"Nah. I've got energy now."
She shakes a finger at me. "Take your energy somewhere else until seven."
"We have business, Isa," I tell her. "If we're gonna expand, we need to get shit done."
She blinks in shock. "Who are you, and what did you do with my cousin Vic?"
"Very funny."
"Why are you suddenly a go-getter?" she asks, but then she nods slowly as if turning on a light bulb in her head. "It's because of Monika, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"I'll pretend I believe you," Isa says. "Pretending has been the theme in my life lately." She heads back upstairs. "You want some coffee?"
"Nah." I wipe my hands on a shop cloth. "I'm gonna go talk to Coach Dieter. And some other people."
"Okay, well, I'm going back to bed."
"Get up and make sure this place keeps runnin'."
"Fuck that. I need my beauty sleep." She turns around before entering her apartment. "To be honest, I'm glad you finally snapped out of whatever hell you were living in."
"Yeah. Me too."
Escaping Fremont because of Trey's death didn't help anyone, including me.
It's time to fix everything, even if it means sticking my tail between my legs. Before I can fix everything with Monika, I need to fix myself.
And going back home is the only way to do that.
When I walk up to Fremont High at six, I feel like a stranger. I haven't been here in weeks, but it feels like forever. Looking over at the football field makes me itch to put on gear and play.
I knew Dieter would be in early, like always. "Hey, Coach," I say as I knock on the open door to his office.
He puts down the papers in his hand and looks at me as if he's staring at a ghost.
He doesn't say anything, so I walk farther into his office. "I wanted to talk to you." I think back to that day on the field, the day my best friend died. "I, um..."
Tears start forming in my eyes. Fuck.
I wipe them away with the back of my hand.
"Sit down, Vic." He stands and closes the door.
When he's back in his chair, I say what I came here to say. It's so hard to get the words out. "I'm sorry for what I did to Trey. I'm so sorry. I... I... I didn't mean to let you down, Coach. If I didn't go after him so hard, he'd be alive. I screwed up and ruined this team."
My tears are flowing now.
I can't help it.
This man in front of me has been more of a father to me than my own blood. When I needed tough love, for over three years he gave it to me without insulting me or trashing me.
"Look at me, Victor."
I do. I'd do anything for this man, who gives up so much of his own life for his players.
"It wasn't your fault," Dieter says, his eyes full of compassion. "Trey died of a heart attack."
"If it weren't for me comin' after him so hard..." My voice trails off, because I don't want to say it out loud.
"Vic, listen to me and listen good because I'm only gonna say this once. Trey died because of choices he made. Bad choices. I can't go into details because it's confidential information and Trey was still a minor." He looks at me with a straight face. "But he would've died whether or not you made that hit. Do you understand what I'm telling you, son?"
His words sink in. Trey was on some kind of drugs and his body failed him. I know other guys talk about it from other schools, but I never in a million years thought my best friend would take drugs. Monika was right. Trey kept secrets even from me.
I nod. "Yes, sir. I understand."
The sound of players coming in the locker room echoes through the walls.
"I've got to get to practice." Dieter holds out his hand for me to shake. "It was nice seeing you again, Victor. I'm really glad you came, and if you need anything I'm here for you. Don't be a stranger."
He's dismissing me.
"I'm coming back to school," I tell him.
"That's good news. Glad to hear it."
His hand is still held out, waiting for me to shake it. I don't.
"I want to play again, Coach. I want to prove to you and my teammates that I didn't abandon them."
He rubs his chin. "You're behind in school, Vic. I don't know if the administration will let you play. Besides, we're on a big losing streak. You might not want to play for me anymore."
With renewed energy, I stand. "I'm gonna play for you, Coach, even if I have to beat the crap out of every single administrator to do it." When he raises a brow I add, "Just kiddin'. I'm gonna make this happen. I promise. We're gonna win state. I promise, Coach. I can help the team. I know it."
I shake Dieter's hand vigorously, noting the triumphant smile on his face.
"Welcome back, Salazar."
Chapter Fifty-two
MONIKA
Vic said I keep too many secrets from everyone. I hide who I really am from everyone, even my best friends.
I lie awake in my room and stare at the ceiling, wondering how many other teens are like me. I hide things to protect myself.
I don't want to hide anymore. Maybe being vulnerable, the way I felt when I was with Vic the other night, should be the goal. Being vulnerable made me open up and be real. I don't want to hide behind secrets anymore, whether they're Trey's or mine or Vic's.
With a deep breath, I sit in front of my computer and set the computer's camera to VIDEO.
"Hi, my name is Monika and I have juvenile arthritis." I take a slow breath and continue, because I'm not going to pretend my condition doesn't bother me or affect my life. I'm going to be real and vulnerable and true to myself. "Most days I have pai
n in my wrists and knees," I say into the camera. "Sometimes my back hurts so much I have to lie down until the ache goes away. I feel like an old lady, and I'm only eighteen. I haven't told my friends because I don't want them to treat me differently. I cringe at the word disabled. I don't want people to think I can't do things they're doing and be left out, so I became a cheerleader. I pushed my body to the limit in order to hide my inner pain. Hiding it didn't make the pain go away though. The fear I have of everyone thinking that I'm disabled if they knew about my condition made me keep my arthritis a secret. But now someone I fell in love with told me to stop hiding my true self. He was right. It's time I stop pretending and tell my story. I don't know if this will help people with juvenile arthritis or put a face to the disease. But this is my life."
A tear comes to my eye. I wipe it away, and I tell the rest of my story, then upload it so it's posted online for everyone to see.
Then I text Vic:
ME: I need to show you something.
I send him a link to the video.
And fall asleep as I stare at my texts, waiting for a response.
Chapter Fifty-three
VICTOR
Family. Familia.
That word used to conjure up so many shitty feelings. I hated that word. Family means that you're connected to people, whether you like them or not. Family meant trying to prove yourself worthy, even if all it got you was a slap or an insult that hurt even more.
I never thought of my friends as my extended family. They're the people who care about me whether I'm on the football team or not, whether I'm smart or dumb, or whether I do stupid shit that gets me in trouble.
It's unconditional.
Which is why I head home after school.
Marissa jumps into my arms as if I'm a lost dog that just returned home. It's not far from the truth.
"I'm so glad you're back!" Marissa cries out. "Or did you come here just to leave again?"
"I'm back," I tell her.
"What about Dad? What if he says you can't come back?"
"Let me deal with the old man, okay? Don't worry about him."
Dani rolls her eyes. She's sitting on the sofa watching some jewelry show on television. "Seriously, things were great when you were gone, Vic. Dad doesn't give a shit about us, which is how we like it. Go back to wherever you came from."
"She doesn't mean that," Marissa says.
"Yes I do!" Dani replies.
It just hit me. Dani is the female version of me. A rebel. She's gonna raise hell, but not if I can help it.
Dani gets a text. "I'm out," she says.
"Where are we going?" I ask her.
"We aren't going anywhere." She grabs her purse and heads for the front door. "I'm going on a date."
"With Bonk?"
"Yes. Oh, yeah, you haven't been around so you don't know the news. Matthew Bonk is officially my boyfriend."
Shit.
I've been gone for a few weeks and come back to my sister dating Satan. She slides out the door, but not before I come out with her and slip into Bonk's backseat as Dani slides in the front.
"What the fuck are you doing in my car, man?" Bonk says. "I thought you died. Or at least that's what we'd hoped."
I flash him a cynical grin. "I'm back. And before you think you're gettin' any more alone time with my sister, guess again. I'm her chaperone."
Dani whips herself around and glares at me. "Get out of the car, Vic. Now!"
"Nope." I lean forward and put my arms around them. "I'm Dani's brother. You date her, you've got to deal with me breathin' down your neck the entire time, bro."
"You're insane," Bonk says. "Listen, man, I like your sister. A lot."
Dani smiles at him, a genuine smile that softens her features. "I like you a lot too."
Oh, hell.
"Looks like we'll all be spendin' a lot of time together, then." I lean back. "Where are we goin' for dinner? Tell Marissa to come out here too. It'll be a family outing."
"Oh, hell," Bonk says.
Exactly.
Chapter Fifty-four
MONIKA
"Did you see Vic?" Bree asks me as I walk up to my locker in the morning.
At the mention of his name, my heart skips a beat. "No. Where is he?"
"Right there," Bree says, gesturing across the hall.
Vic is standing with Jet and Derek. He looks like his usual, confident self except for the dark stubble growing on his jawline that just makes him look more tough and masculine.
Vic and the guys are talking as if they're in a serious conversation. Well, Derek and Vic look like they're in a serious conversation. Jet doesn't know how to be serious, so I'm assuming he's joking around to avoid anything that would make him feel something besides his happy-go-lucky persona.
The boys turn around and look at us.
"Hey, look who's back!" Jet announces excitedly.
Vic seems surprised that Jet is genuinely happy to see him. Derek, who's only known Vic for a few months since he's a transfer student from California, pats Vic on the back. You can tell the two have a mutual respect for each other.
With long, lean strides, Vic walks over to us. "Hey," he says, as if we haven't seen each other for a while.
"Hey," I say back nervously.
Ashtyn, who just walked up with her mouth open in shock, gives Vic a big hug. "I missed you," she says.
"I missed you guys, too," Vic says. "But listen, if you and the team don't step up your game, I'm not rejoining the football team."
Ashtyn and the guys look shocked. "You're playing football? With us?"
"I talked to Finnigan. She said as long as I promise to start comin' to school every day without fail, she'll let me play."
"Where were you all this time?" Bree asks.
"Yeah," Jet chimes in. "We thought you fell off the face of the earth. Derek and I left messages on your phone every day. Monika told us you'd come around when you were ready. To be honest, man, it was hard enough losing Trey. Losing you also made everything worse. Truth is, we need your ugly mug around us, Vic."
"I was sorta hidin' out," he tells them. "But I'm back."
He captures my gaze for a brief moment, those chocolate depths revealing so much about his inner struggles. I'm glad he's here, even if my video meant nothing to him.
"No more hiding, man," Derek says to Vic. "Promise me you'll come to us when you want to hide out again."
Vic looks stunned that we want to be so involved in his private life, even if it's full of crap and heartache.
"Why do you care so much?" he asks.
"Duh!" Ashtyn says. "We're your family."
Vic smiles like a kid whose been given his first ice cream cone. "Thanks. That means a lot."
The first bell rings, signaling that we have five minutes to get to class. Everyone disperses, leaving me and Vic staring at each other in the hallway.
"Did you get my text last night?" I ask him.
He nods. "I did."
He obviously doesn't get it, that I did it to show him that I'm changing. I declared my love for him.
"I, um, need to tell you something. Trey was using drugs, Vic. He told me to leave him alone about the drugs, and I did. If you think I don't feel guilty about it, you're wrong. I feel guilty every single minute of every day." I wipe a tear from my eye and pray that I can stay strong. "You weren't responsible for his death, Vic. If anyone was, I'm responsible because I never told anyone." A huge weight is lifted off my chest.
I look at him, hoping to see some sign of warmth or forgiveness.
Instead, Vic has a stoic look on his face.
"Look, Monika, I gotta go," he says, obviously preoccupied.
"Yeah. Sure, no problem."
He rushes down the hallway, and my heart sinks.
Mr. Miller's class fills up quickly. Our teacher is sitting on the corner of his desk as the late bell rings.
Vic isn't here.
I can hear people whispering quietly, gossiping about Vic's
return to school. I briefly wonder if he's ditching class, preferring to avoid Mr. Miller and his lectures.
"Okay, class." Mr. Miller glances at Vic's desk. "I was told we'd have our missing student back, but obviously that's not--"
The intercom beeps twice, altering us to an announcement.
"Hey, Rebels, it's your very own rebel Victor Salazar."
Our classroom buzzes with excitement. Everyone is wondering what Vic is going to say. He's never been one to talk much, preferring to use his fists instead of his words.
"I, um, had a hard time when Trey Matthews died on the field after I tackled him," Vic says, his voice soft with unmasked sincerity. "He was my best friend. I felt guilty and wanted to change places with him. You see, I was told from a young age that I was worthless. I was put down and was called stupid so many times I started to believe it. Trey Matthews deserved to live. I didn't." His voice starts to quiver. "I continue to let people down, but last night an amazing girl made me realize that I'm not worthless and can right the wrongs I've made. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry I hurt her, and I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I love her so damn much. She challenges me to be a better person and breaks down my walls. I'm sorry I let down my teammates. I'll work hard to help you guys win state. And Mr. Miller, I sure hope I get an A on that assignment you gave us telling us to do something out of the norm to shock people. I hope I did you proud."
I press my hands to my wildly beating heart and run out of the classroom to find Vic. He's in Principal Finnigan's office. Principal Finnigan is standing next to him with a warm smile on her face.
"Good job, Mr. Salazar," she tells him when he turns off the mic.
"Vic," I say as tears start forming in my eyes. Oh, God, I love this boy so much. He's rough on the outside but so vulnerable on the inside. "You said you loved me."
"Yep. I've loved you since we were freshman. Trey and I both wanted to ask you out."
"But you let him do it," I whisper.
"He was the better guy."
I can't believe fate put us together now, after all this time. "You're smart and funny and sexy as hell, Vic. You weren't just my boyfriend's best friend. You were my best friend too. Trey didn't push me to be a better person. You did. And I love you for that. What Trey and I had was a high school thing. What you and I share can be a forever thing."
"Forever?" he asks, nodding. "I like it."