CHAPTER NINETEEN: Holding my world
I took all my photos of Ryan and I together. One by one, I held the lighter to the picture and slowly watched as the picture and the memory disintegrated in front of my eyes. I watched as the flames engulfed the paper, incinerating it in seconds. It was time to burn him out of my memory and out of my life. I heard a frantic knock at my door. I really didn't wanna be bothered right now.
“I'm busy!” I called.
“Sam, I need you to-” I jerked the door open because I recognized the voice. It was Kade.
“Why didn't you come out and meet me? I thought... wait, do I smell smoke?” He demanded, he burst into my room without a proper invitation. He looked around frantically.
“Sam, there's a fire in here! We gotta get out of here!” He cried. He scooped me up in his arms and started running out the door. I giggled.
“Kade, stop! There's no fire.” I said, hitting his chest. He let me down.
“Well, at least it was an excuse to have you in my arms.” He muttered.
“I heard that.” I said with a laugh.
“You were supposed to.” He shot back.
“Well, then mission accomplished.” I said, giving him a playful round of applause. Kade walking over with a grin to my where my pictures lay all already half torched. He picked it up gently, knowing with too much force it could crumble in his hands. He recognized the half of the face he saw that wasn't already seared. He looked at me with a sympathy in his eyes that made my stomach flutter. He turned slowly to face me and put his hands so gently on my shoulder that I could barely sense his touch. But the feeling warmed me none the less.
“He came by.” I said finally.
“Are you okay? Because I can beat him up aga-”
“No, no, it's fine. I don't think he'll be showing up in my life anymore.” I interrupted. Kade nodded in understatement. He looked from me to the scorched picture.
“Do you want this jerk in your life?” He asked, gesturing toward the photograph. I shook my head.
“Then I'll help you... I'll help you let go. Just like you're gonna go to Raleigh with me and help me let go... I'll help you. Because I know what it feels like... trust me.” Kade said softly. I nodded. He put his hand on top of mine and flicked the lighter on. We both watched as the flame ignited and cremated the picture. It was time to let go.
As the flames flickered I looked in Kade's eyes and saw the blames reflecting in them. He was concentrated on the destruction happening at his fingertips. The remainder of the picture turned to ashes in seconds. Neither of us said a word for a few moments. Silence enveloped us... but it was a comfortable silence, more of a respectful silence. It was almost like those silences that are given out of respect at a funeral because in a way someone had died today. The big brother I grew to love so many years ago would never be that boy again. That boy was gone... he was dead to me. Kade put his arm loosely around my shoulder
“Come on... let's go rehearse.” He whispered in my ear. I followed him down the hall and to the elevator. As we stepped in the wall of silence remained between us. Kade let out a long sigh.
“Sam...” He said softly.
“Yes?” I acknowledged. He took my hand and looked me deeply in my eyes. My breathe caught a little as he did. His eyes were a dark almost black color and they were always full of mystery, but not right now. I could read every emotion going on in his body through his eyes. I once heard that your eyes are a window to your soul... Kade's eyes were not only a window to his soul, but to his mind as well. I could practically read his every thought just be the look in his eyes. Right now, his eyes were filled with anxiety and he even looked a little frightened. I had never truly seen Kade scared before and the sight was discomforting.
“I've been thinking and...” He said softly.
“Come on with it.” I pressed.
“I just don't think I ever really told you-” Kade began again. Just then, the elevator doors opened and Hunter came pouncing in. He grabbed me and jerked me out. His eyes were puffy, his nose bright red, and his entire face slightly swollen. He looked like he had been crying for ages.
“Sam, I can't believe it!” He cried.
“What? What's the matter?” I demanded. He shook his head and buried his face in my shoulder. I pushed him off to look at him.
“Tell, me what's going on right now.” I demanded. He shook his head and hid his face from me. I waited patiently for him to gain his composure. He drew in a deep breathe before speaking.
“They won't let us be together.” He whispered. He looked at me longingly, I supposed waiting for some crazy, dramatic reaction. I didn't give him that though.
“What do you mean? Who?” I asked calmly.
“My management. They want me to go out with a pop star... they said it would be better for my image. I told them you had kind of become a pop star though. You were voted America's Sweetheart, you know that? You're special, but they just don't think it's good for the band as a whole either.” Hunter explained. I nodded slowly.
“Maybe they're right.” I muttered. Hunter looked at me as if I had just insulted his mother or something.
“What do you mean?!” He practically shouted.
“Hunter, let's face it... I'm not exactly your type.” I admitted. Hunter shook his head firmly. I could practically see steam coming from his ears.
“I won't accept it. I just can't. Sam, I don't care if I have to leave this band. I'm going to be with you and nobody is going to tell me I can't.” He said firmly. Part of me agreed with him. The rebel in me who had defied authority her entire life and had absolutely no respect for any human put higher than her agreed. The “you can't tell me what to do” part of me was blazed with anger that someone would tell me how I should live my life. I had always broken the rules and I didn't care who told me I couldn't. Most times, I'd even ignore my parents instructions even though they swore they knew best. Part of me, thought that this was cruel and wrong. Then again... the other sentimental part of me that had grown over the years wanted to let Hunter go. This was an easy way to break up with him, but I knew that was a cowardly way to slide out of this relationship.
“This is an outrage! Sam, I can start a rebellion or something. I can get the fans in on it as well. I know they'll take my side. I just... wanna be with you forever.” Hunter said, taking my hand. He was more angry than sad now.
“Hunter, just calm down.” I said.
“Calm down? That's all you have to say? I thought you'd be angry as well. Don't you see what they're trying to do? They want to break us up. They wanna tear us apart.” Hunter said. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kade leaning up against the wall. I knew he had been listening to every word of our conversation. I didn't want to say anything to make Kade think I loved Hunter... but I didn't want to say anything to Hunter to make him think I didn't care.
“Don't you think it's wrong to go against management?” I asked.
“No, Sam I don't. All I've ever done is the right thing. I've always done exactly what they told me to.” Hunter replied angrily.
“Do what you think is right.” I said.
“I'll do what I feel is right.” He said.
“Use your head, Hunter... not your heart.” I warned.
“Don't let me go, Sam... don't let them push you away from me.” He whispered.
“I won't.” I couldn't believe the words that had just escaped my lips.
During rehearsals, Hunter kept his eyes locked on mine. I tried to focus on getting my chords right, but his soul devouring gaze was a bit distracting. I looked over at Kade, he was banging away at the drums and seemed completely lost in the music. I know I should be doing the same, but my mind was elsewhere today. Kade's biceps bulged a little as he whacked at the drums and his hair was slightly damp with sweat. The sight made me heart flutter a little. He looked so perfect when he was with the
things he loved. Drumming was his passion and when he was on stage performing he had such fire in his eyes. I don't know why, but I wanted to be looked at like that from him. I wanted to be something he was passionate about, but I knew with the way things had been going lately my dreams weren't likely. I needed to shove such childish thoughts away. I was here for one purpose and one purpose only... to pursue my career as a guitarist. I wasn't here to have some fling with a boy I was forbidden to be with. When the song ended, Connie stood up and clapped for us.
“That was wonderful! All of you did great. Now, we have to be to Raleigh by tonight, so let's get hopping why don't we?” Connie said, already beginning to usher us out the door.
As I began unloading my things into my bus, a felt a lips come to my ear. I almost felt silky hair swish a little and hit the back of my neck. Shivers went down my spine when I heard Kade's warm voice.
“Raleigh here we come.” He whispered. I looked back and grinned at him. When he returned the smile, I wanted his flawless face to stay in that position forever. He was gorgeous when he smiled. His entire face lit up and a glow seemed to almost radiate from him.
“See you in a few hours.” Kade whispered with a smile. I gave him a wave. He couldn't seem to wipe that goofy grin on his face... and I loved it. Right as I was about to turn around, I felt a hand grip my wrist then and yanked me off the steps of my bus. I stumbled a little before finding my balance and looking with fiery eyes at the jerk who dared even think of handling me in such a manner. I had cock my head far back to see the guy's face. He towered over me in a rather intimidating manner and his wide frame blocked the sun from my view. He had broad shoulders, huge forearms, an evil sneer on his lips, and a chiseled chin that jutting out from his face. There were tattoos snaked up his arm and a scar on his face.
“Who are you?” I whispered shakily.
“I'm part of management. I don't guess you see me quite often.” He said, crossing his arms. His forearms increased in size as he did. I swallowed hard. His accent was extremely think and intimidating as well and I couldn't quite make out where he was from.
“No, you don't come around often.” I stated.
“I'll bet you're thankful I don't.” He said looking down at me with those beady eyes of his. I almost thought of reply “why yes, I am” but seeing as he could crush me with his pinky I refrained from doing so.
“Well, you see I have what's best in mind for the boys. I try to eliminate anything that might get in the way of their career.” He stated as he cracked his knuckles. I just nodded. I could physically feel myself shaking, but I in no way wanted to give off the impression I was frightened.
“You see, I feel you're standing a bit in the way of Hunter's career. He hasn't quite been himself since you two started going out. He keeps his eyes on you during rehearsals and not on the fans. That's not fair to them, you see? What if you were a teenage girl who's entire life was devoted to a band such as this and one girl comes and rips all their attention away from you. It's cruel, isn't it?” He asked. He sounded like he was selling a point in a business meeting not talking to a seventeen year old girl.
“I suppose.” I said, smoothly.
“Listen, Sam... I don't want things to get ugly. All you have to do is walk away from Hunter and all this will be fine.” He said. He put his shades on his face and began to walk away. I guess he thought this conversation was over.
“What if I don't?” I called after him. He turned around slowly and walked back over to me. He towered over me once again, this time he knelt down close to my face.
“We'll have a problem then.” He said.
“I have a choice then, don't I?” I asked, stubbornly. My defiance was kicking in now. I wasn't about to listen to some big, ugly, bald man who ordered me around. No one told me what to do. I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. The rebel inside me was set free and running harder every moment he continued to speak.
“I don't think you're getting it, Sam. You walk away on your own or we'll make you walk away.” He said, getting in my face. I clinched my hands into fists, tempted to push him away.
“You can't hurt me.” I said bravely. He chuckled darkly.
“Listen up, Sam.” He said, taking his shades off his face calmly. He hung them on his shirt collar calmly before continuing his threat.
“I don't want things to get bad for you, honestly I don't. But let's face it... this is just a fling. One way or another, you'll loose him so just do it the easy way.” He said. With that, he stood up straight blocking the sun from my view once again so that I was forced to focus my attention on his freakishly tall and intimidating figure.
“Your choice.” He said softly. He said it so softly that it felt almost like a thought or sub-conscious whisper replaying in the back of my mind. I watched him as he slid his shades back onto his face and walked over to his jet black, tinted windowed, mustang. He slowly reversed and stopped beside me.
“You know what to do.” He said. With that, he peeled out of the parking lot, leaving me scared and a bit stunned.
Hunter walked up beside me. I didn't even acknowledge his presence, I just stood there in a daze. I knew it was time I ended it with him. I knew I was strictly with him now because I was told that I shouldn't be. I was being stubborn. I was playing games.
“Are you alright, babe?” Hunter questioned. I nodded slowly. He looked in the distance as the jet black car sped off into the sunset.
“Was it management?” He asked. I nodded numbly. Suddenly, I felt I was doing something wrong by being with Hunter. I felt like a liar and a cheater.
“I'll handle this, okay? I promise.” He said, kissing the top of my head. I just watched as the black car drove farther and farther away until it faded into nothing but a black dot.
“I won't let them do this. Are you sure you're okay?” He asked.
“I'm fine.” I said, dismissively. I thought I heard Hunter still talking, but I walked back to my bus. I knew what I had to do. I knew what was right. I fell into a deep sleep with these nagging thoughts running through my mind and over-working my brain to the point of exhaustion.
“Sam? Saaaam? Sam! Sam, wake up!” My eyelids slowly opened up and my vision was restored to me. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and the blurry images around me began to be return to their normal vivid colors. Kade was hovering above me and shaking me.
“Man, you were really knocked out. You must have been tired.” He said. I nodded and sat up. I heard ear-splitting screams outside.
“What is that?” I asked groggily.
“Oh, these girls have been waiting at this hotel for the boys for ages.” Kade replied.
I crawled to my window and peered out. There were girls everywhere screaming, crying, and throwing themselves at the boys.
“Woah, that's insane.” I muttered.
“Yeah, we'd better get out there. They might come in here and start mugging us.” Kade said with a laugh. I knew he was joking, but the thought did alarm me slightly. I knew the fans weren't particularly happy with Hunter and I being together and I knew they were quite aggressive at times so I hurried out the door to the safety of our security guards. Kade followed closely behind me. I was practically knocked off my feet when I opened the door and the sound wave hit me. The screams were deafening and I didn't see why the boys didn't have earplugs of some sort. I could hardly take it. I covered my ears and stood behind security where I was safe. I watched as the boys went and signed things for some of the fans under the watchful eye of their security guards. I heard my name being screamed. I looked over and saw a few girls screaming my name and holding out a pen and paper for me to sign. I looked over at our security guard hesitantly. He shrugged.
“Why not? I won't let them hurt you.” He said. I cringed and slowly slid shyly toward the girls. I was afraid they were gonna call me names or tell me how I didn't deserve to be with Hunter. Instead, I saw a girl push her way to the front and look up at me with tears in her
eyes. She had an innocent face and looked about thirteen or fourteen. She wore an All4U T-shirt with a heart painted in by Hunter's face. She had brown medium length hair and blue-green eyes that had looked like they had shed quite a few today. It looked as if it was taking a lot of courage to spit out what she was trying to say. She sighed and looked up at me with her lips quivering. She was about my height and at almost exactly eye level with me so I looked her right in the face and granted her my undivided attention.
“I'm not mad you two are dating. I'm happy for the two of you, really. But... when you hold him just please be careful... because you're holding my world.” She said softly. Even over those earth-shattering screams I heard her softly whispered words. I felt as if she had just slapped me in the face. I fell back a little at her poetic outlook on the situation.
“I wrote this for you... will you read it?” She asked gently. I nodded dismissively and slowly stumbled toward the hotel. I had never thought of Hunter and I's relationship in that way. These girls here had dedicated their entire life to these boys. They had spent their time, money, and even tears on these boys. They truly loved them. I realized them what true love. I hadn't given half the time and attention to Hunter that these girls had. They had waited outside this hotel for hours, saved their money for their concerts or merchandise. They had spent countless hours looking up interviews, concert tapes, and performances of them. These girls had spent so many thoughts and tears on them. Their passion for them was indescribable. They had been there through thick and thin with them even though the boys weren't even aware of their existence. At their first concert, I saw the signs and was impressed. I had a respect for the fans. Now, they had my undying affection. Because now I actually understood them. I looked back and saw Hunter surrounded by beautiful girls. They were kissing his cheek, tugging at his shirt, hugging him, and crying over him. That jealousy I used to feel whenever another beautiful lady touched him was gone. I didn't feel the way I did when he was with Leslie or Bailey. In that moment... I knew right then and there that I had fallen completely out of love with Hunter.