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"I dont know why not. Its uncharacteristic behavior on my part, Ill tell you that much. "
"Not the way they taught you at the Seventy-eighth Precinct?"
"Not at all what they taught me at the Seven-Eight. I told them I already had a client and Id been paid in full. Maybe what you said about blood money struck some kind of chord. "
"Man, that makes no sense. You were working and you did good work. He wants to give you something, you ought to take it. "
"Thats okay. I told him he could give TJ something. "
"What did he give him?"
"I dont know. A couple of bucks. "
"Two hundred," TJ said.
"Oh, you awake, TJ? I thought you were asleep. "
"No, just closed my eyes is all. "
"You stick with Matt here. I think hes a good influence. "
"He be lost without me. "
"Is that right, Matt? Would you be lost without him?"
"Absolutely," I said. "We all would. "
I TOOK the BQE and the bridge, and when we came off it on the Manhattan side I asked TJ where I could drop him.
"Deuce be fine," he said.
"Its three in the morning. "
"Aint no gate around the Deuce, Bruce. They dont close it up. "
"Have you got a place to sleep?"
"Hey, I got money in my pocket," he said. "Maybe I see if they got my old room at the Frontenac. Take me three or four showers, call down for room service. I got a place to sleep, man. You dont need to be worryin about me. "
"Anyway, youre resourceful. "
"You think you jokin but you know it be true. "
"And attentive. "
"Both them things. "
We dropped him at the corner of Eighth Avenue and Forty-second Street and caught a light at Forty-fourth. I looked both ways and there was no one around, but neither was I in a hurry. I waited until it changed.
I said, "I didnt think you could do it. "
"What? Callander?"
I nodded.
"I didnt think I could either. I never killed anybody. Ive been angry enough to kill, one time or another, but anger passes. "
"Yes. "
"He was like nothing, you know? A completely insignificant man. And I thought, how am I going to kill this worm? But I knew I had to do it. So I figured out what I had to do. "
"What was that?"
"I got him talking," he said. "I asked him a few questions, and he gave little two-word replies, but I kept at it and I got him talking. He told me what they did to Yuris kid. "
"Oh. "
"What they did to her and how scared she was and all. Once he got into it he really wanted to talk. Like it was a way for him to have the experience again. See, its not like hunting, where after you shoot the deer you get to stuff the head and hang it up on the wall. Once he was done with a woman he was left with nothing but memories, so he welcomed the chance to take them out and dust them off and look at how pretty they are. "
"Did he talk about your wife?"
"Yeah, he did. He liked that he was telling it to me, too. Same as he liked giving her back to me in pieces, rubbing my nose in it. I wanted to shut him up, I didnt want to hear that, but fuck it, you know? I mean, shes gone, I fed her to the fucking flames, man. It cant hurt her no more. So I let him talk all he fucking wanted, and then I could do what I had to do. "
"And then you killed him. "
"No. "
I looked at him.
"I never killed nobody. Im not a killer. I looked at him and I thought, no, you son of a bitch, I am not gonna kill you. "
"And?"
"How could I be a killer? I was supposed to be a doctor. I told you about that, right?"
"Your fathers idea. "
"I was supposed to be a doctor. Peteyd be an architect because he was a dreamer, but I was the practical one, so Id be a doctor. Best thing in the world to be, he told me. You do some good in the world and you make a decent living. He even decided what kind of doctor I should be. Be a surgeon, he told me. Thats where the money is. Thats the elite, top of the heap. Be a surgeon. " He was silent for a long moment. "So all right," he said. "I was a surgeon tonight. I operated. "
It had started to rain, but it wasnt coming down hard. I didnt switch on the windshield wipers.
"I took him downstairs," Kenan said. "In the basement, where his friend was, and TJ was right, it stank something awful down there. I guess the bowels let go when you die like that. I thought I was gonna gag, but I didnt, and I guess I got used to it.
"I didnt have any anesthetic, but that was okay because he passed out right away. I had his knife, big jackknife with a blade about six inches long, and there were all sorts of tools on the workbench, anything you could possibly need. "
"You dont have to tell me, Kenan. "
"No," he said, "youre wrong, thats exactly what I have to do is tell you. If you dont want to listen thats something else, but I gotta tell you. "
"All right. "
"I cut his eyes out," he said, "so hed never look at another woman. And I cut his hands off so hell never touch one. I used tourniquets so he wouldnt bleed out. I made em out of wire. I took his hands off with a cleaver, wicked fucking thing. I suppose its what they used to, uh-"
He breathed deeply, in and out, in and out.
"To dismember the bodies," he went on. "I opened his pants. I didnt want to touch him but I forced myself, and I cut off his works cause he wasnt gonna have any further use for em. And then his feet, I chopped his fucking feet off, because wheres he got to go? And his ears, because what does he have to listen to? And his tongue, part of his tongue, I couldnt get it all, but I gripped it with a pliers and pulled it out of his mouth and cut off what I could, because who wants to hear him talk? Who wants to listen to that shit? Stop the car. "
I braked and pulled over, and he opened the car door and vomited in the gutter. I gave him a handkerchief and he wiped his mouth and dropped it in the street. "Sorry," he said, pulling the door shut. "I thought I was done doing that. Thought the tank was empty. "
"Are you all right, Kenan?"
"Yeah, I think I am. I believe so. You know, I said I didnt kill him but I dont know if thats true. He was alive when I left but he could be dead by now. And if he isnt dead, shit, whats he got left? It was fucking butchery, what I did to him. Why couldnt I just shoot him in the head? Bang and its over. "
"Why didnt you?"
"I dont know. Maybe I was thinking eye for eye, tooth for tooth. He gave her back to me in pieces so Ill show him piecework. Some of that, maybe. I dont know. " He shrugged. "Fuck it, its done. He lives or he dies, so what, its over. "
I parked in front of my hotel and we both got out of the car and stood awkwardly on the curb. He pointed to the flight bag and asked if I wanted some of the money. I told him his retainer more than covered my time. Was I sure? Yes, I said. I was sure.
"Well," he said. "If youre sure. Give me a call some night, well have dinner. Will you do that?"
"Sure. "
"Take care now," he said. "Go get some sleep. "
Chapter 23
But I couldnt sleep.
I took a shower and got in bed, but I couldnt even find a position I was able to stay in for more than ten seconds. I was too restless even to think about sleeping.
I got up and shaved and put on fresh clothes, and I turned on the TV and made a circuit of the channels and switched the set off again. I went outside and walked around until I found a place where I could have a cup of coffee. It was past four and the bars were closed. I didnt feel like drinking, I hadnt even thought of a drink all night long, but I was just as happy the bars were closed.
I finished my coffee and walked around some more. I had a lot on my mind and it was easier to think it through if I was walking. Eventually I went back to my hotel, and then a little after seven I caught a cab downtown and went to the seven-thirty meeting on Perry Street. It broke at eight-thirty, a
nd I had breakfast at a Greek coffee shop on Greenwich Avenue and wondered if the owner would skim the sales tax, as Peter Khoury had said. I took a cab back to the hotel. Kenan would have been proud of me, I was taking cabs left and right.
I called Elaine when I got back to my room. Her machine picked up and I left a message and sat there waiting for her to call back. It was around ten-thirty when she did.
She said, "I was hoping you would call. Ive been wondering what happened. After that phone call-"
"A lot happened," I said. "I want to tell you about it. Can I come over?"
"Now?"
"Unless you have something planned. "
"Not a thing. "
I went downstairs and took my third cab of the morning. When she let me in her eyes searched my face and she looked troubled by what she found there. "Come in," she said. "Sit down, I made coffee. Are you all right?"
"Im fine," I said. "I didnt get to sleep last night, thats all. "
"Again? Youre not going to make a habit of this, are you?"
"I dont think so," I said.
She brought me a cup of coffee and we sat in her living room, she on the couch and I in a chair, and I started with my first conversation the previous day with Kenan Khoury and went all the way through to our last talk, when he dropped me at the Northwestern. She didnt interrupt, nor did her attention wander. I took a long time telling it, not leaving anything out, and reporting occasional conversations essentially verbatim. She hung on every word.
When I was done she said, "Im overwhelmed, I think. Thats quite a story. "
"Just another night in Brooklyn. "
"Uh-huh. Im surprised you told me all of it. "
"I am, too, in a way. Its not what I came here to tell you. "
"Oh?"
"But I didnt want to leave it untold," I said, "because I dont want to have things I dont tell you. And that is what I came here to tell you. Ive been going to meetings and saying things to a roomful of strangers that I dont let myself say to you, and that doesnt make sense to me. "
"I think Im scared. "
"Youre not the only one. "
"Do you want more coffee? I can-"
"No. I watched Kenan drive off this morning and I went upstairs and went to bed, and all I could think about was things I havent said to you. Youd think what Kenan told me might keep a person awake, but it didnt even enter my mind. There was no room for it, it was too full of a conversation with you, except it was a very one-sided conversation because you werent there. "
"Sometimes its easier that way. You can write the other persons lines for them. " She frowned. "For him. For her. For me?"
"Somebody had better write your lines, if thats how they come out when you make them up yourself. Oh, Jesus, the only way to say it is to say it. I dont like what you do for a living. "
"Oh. "
"I didnt know it bothered me," I said, "and early on it probably didnt, I probably got a kick out of it, if you go all the way back to the beginning. Our beginning. And then there was a period when I didnt think it bothered me, and then a stage where I knew it did but tried to tell myself it didnt.