Page 47
"Besides, what right did I have to say anything? Its not as though I didnt know what I was getting into. Your occupation was part of the package. Where did I get off telling you to keep this and change that?"
I went to her window and looked across at Queens. Queens is the borough of cemeteries, it overflows with them, while Brooklyn has only Green-Wood.
I turned to face her and said, "Besides, I was scared to say anything. Maybe it would lead to an ultimatum, choose one or the other, quit turning tricks or Im out of here. And suppose you didnt pick me?
"Or suppose you did? Then what does that commit me to? Does it give you the right to tell me what you dont like about the way I live my life?
"If you stop going to bed with clients, does that mean I cant go to bed with other women? As it happens I havent been with anybody else since we started keeping company again, but Ive always felt I had the right. It hasnt happened, and once or twice I made a conscious choice to keep it from happening, but I didnt feel committed to that course. Or if I did it was a secret commitment. I wasnt about to let either of us know about it.
"What happens to our relationship? Does it mean we have to get married? I dont know that I want to. I was married once and I didnt much like it. I wasnt very good at it, either.
"Does it mean we have to live together? I dont know that I want that, either. I havent lived with anybody since I left Anita and the boys, and that was a long time ago. There are things I like about living alone. I dont know that I want to give it up.
"But it eats at me, knowing youre with other guys. I know theres no love in it, I know theres precious little sex in it, I know it has more in common with massage than with lovemaking. Knowing this doesnt seem to matter.
"And it gets in the way. I called you this morning and you called back an hour later. And I wondered where you were when I called, but I didnt ask because you might say you were with a john. Or you might not say it, and Id wonder what you werent saying. "
"I was getting my hair done," she said.
"Oh. It looks nice. "
"Thanks. "
"Its different, isnt it? It does look nice. I didnt notice, I never notice, but I like it. "
"Thank you. "
"I dont know where Im going with this," I said. "But I figured I had to tell you how I felt, and whats been going on with me. I love you. I know thats a word we dont speak, and one reason I have trouble with it is I dont know what the hell it means. But whatever it means, its how I feel about you. Our relationship is important to me. In fact its importance is part of the problem, because Ive been so afraid it would change into something I wont like that Ive been withholding myself from you. " I stopped for breath. "I guess thats it. I didnt know I was going to say that much and I dont know if it came out right, but I guess thats it. "
She was looking at me. It was hard to meet her gaze.
"Youre a very brave man," she said.
"Oh, please. "
" Oh, please. You werent scared? I was scared, and I wasnt even talking. "
"Yes, I was scared. "
"Thats what brave is, doing what scares you. Walking into those guns at the cemetery must have been a piece of cake in comparison. "
"The funny thing is," I said, "I wasnt that fearful at the cemetery. One thought that came to me was that Ive lived long enough so that I dont have to worry about dying young. "
"That must have been comforting. "
"Well, it was, oddly enough. My biggest fear was that something would happen to the girl and that it would be my fault, for doing something wrong or not taking some useful action. Once she was back with her father I relaxed. I guess I didnt really believe anything was going to happen to me. "
"Thank God youre all right. "
"Whats the matter?"
"Just a few tears. "
"I didnt mean to-"
"To what, to reach me emotionally? Dont apologize. "
"All right. "
"So my mascara runs. So what. " She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. "Oh, God," she said. "This is so embarrassing. I feel so stupid. "
"Because of a few tears?"
"No, because of what I have to say next. My turn now, okay?"
"Okay. "
"Dont interrupt, huh? Theres something I havent told you, and I feel really stupid about it, and I dont know where to start. All right, Ill blurt it out. I quit. "
"Huh?"
"I quit. I quit fucking, all right. My God, the look on your face. Other men, silly. I quit. "
"You dont have to make that decision," I said. "I just wanted to say how I felt, and-"
"You werent going to interrupt. "
"Im sorry, but-"
"Im not saying I quit now. I quit three months ago. More than three months ago. Sometime before the first of the year. Maybe it was even before Christmas. No, I think there was one guy after Christmas. I could look it up.
"But it doesnt matter. I could look it up if I ever want to celebrate my anniversary, the way you celebrate the date of your last drink, but maybe not. I dont know. "
It was hard not saying anything. I had things to say, questions to ask, but I let her go on.
"I dont know if I ever told you this," she said, "but a few years ago I realized that prostitution saved my life. Im serious about that. The childhood I had, my crazy mother, the kind of teenager I turned out to be, I think I probably would have killed myself, or found somebody to do it for me. Instead I started selling my ass, and it made me aware of my worth as a human being. It destroys a lot of girls, it really does, but it saved me. Go figure.
"I made a nice life for myself. I saved my money, I invested, I bought this apartment. Everything worked.
"But sometime last summer I started to realize that it wasnt working anymore. Because of what we have. You and I. I told myself that was meshugga, what you and I have is in one compartment and what I do for money is way over there, but it got harder to keep the doors of the compartments shut tight. I felt disloyal, which was strange, and I felt dirty, which was something I never really felt hooking, or if I did I was never aware of it.
"So I thought, well, Elaine, you had a longer run than most of them, and youre a little old for the game anyway. And theyve got all these new diseases, and youve had a scaled-down practice the past few years anyway, and just how many executives do you figure would throw themselves out of windows if you hung it up?
"But I was afraid to tell you. For one thing, how did I know I wouldnt want to change my mind? I figured I ought to keep my options open. And then, after Id told all my regulars I was retired, after I sold my book and did everything but change my number, I was afraid to tell you because I didnt know what it would do. Maybe you wouldnt want me anymore. Maybe Id stop being interesting, Id just be this aging broad running around taking college courses. Maybe youd feel trapped, like I was pressuring you into marriage. Maybe youd want to get married, or live together, and I havent ever been married but then again I havent ever wanted to be. And Ive lived alone ever since I got out of my mothers house, and Im good at it and Im used to it. And if one of us wants to get married and the other doesnt, then where are we?
"So thats my dirty little secret, if you want to call it that, and I wish to God I could stop crying because Id like to look presentable, if not glamorous. Do I look like a raccoon?"
"Only the face. "
"Well," she said. "Thats something. Youre just an old bear. Did you know that?"
"So youve said. "
"Well, its true. Youre my bear and I love you. "
"I love you. "
"The whole things very fucking Gift-of-the-Magi, isnt it? Its a beautiful story and who can we tell?"
"Nobody diabetic. "
"Send em right into sugar shock, wouldnt it?"
"Im afraid so. Where do you go when you slip away for mysterious appointments? I assumed, you know-"
"That I was going to blow some guy in a hotel room. Well, sometimes I was getting my
hair done. "
"Like this morning. "
"Right. And sometimes I was going to my shrink appointment, and-"
"I didnt know you were seeing a shrink. "
"Uh-huh, twice a week since mid-February. A lot of my identity is bound up in what Ive been doing all these years, and all of a sudden Ive got a lot of crap to deal with. I guess it helps to talk to her. " She shrugged. "And Ive gone to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, too. "
"I didnt know that. "
"Well, how would you know? I didnt tell you. I figured they could give me tips on how to deal with you. Instead their program is all about dealing with myself. I call that sneaky. "
"Yeah, theyre devious bastards. "
"Anyway," she said, "I feel stupid for keeping it all to myself, but I was a whore for a lot of years, and candors not part of the job description. "
"As opposed to police work. "
"Right. You poor bear, up all night, running around Brooklyn with crazy people. And its going to be hours before you get a chance to sleep. "
"Oh?"
"Uh-huh. Youre my only sexual outlet now, do you realize what that means? Im likely to prove insatiable. "
"Lets see," I said.
AND, later, she said, "You really havent been with anybody else since weve been together?"
"No. "
"Well, you probably will. Most men do. I speak as one with professional knowledge of the subject. "
"Maybe," I said. "Not today, though. "
"No, not today. But if you do its not the end of the world. Just so you come home where you belong. "
"Whatever you say, dear. "
" Whatever you say, dear. You just want to go to sleep. Listen, as far as the others concerned, we can get married or not get married, and we can live together or not live together. We could live together without getting married. Could we get married without living together?"
"If we wanted. "
"You think so? You know what it sounds like, it sounds like a Polish joke. But maybe it would work for us. You could keep your squalid hotel room, and several nights a week youd put on Call Forwarding and spend the night with moi. And we could… you know what?"
"What?"
"I think this is all something were going to have to take a day at a time. "
"Thats a good phrase," I said. "Ill have to remember that. "
Chapter 24
A day or so later, an anonymous tip led officers of Brooklyns Seventy-second Precinct to the house Albert Wallens had inherited upon his mothers death three years before. There they found Wallens, a twenty-eight-year-old unemployed construction worker with a record of sexual offenses and minor assault charges. Wallens was dead, with a length of piano wire fastened around his neck. In the same basement room they also found what appeared to be the mutilated corpse of another man, but thirty-six-year-old Raymond Joseph Callander, whose employment history included a seven-month hitch as a civilian employee with the New York office of the Drug Enforcement Administration, was still alive. He was removed to Maimonides Medical Center where he regained consciousness but was unable to communicate, making simple cawing sounds until his death two days later.