XII
Carl came into the sitting-room while Alexandra was lighting thelamp. She looked up at him as she adjusted the shade. His sharpshoulders stooped as if he were very tired, his face was pale,and there were bluish shadows under his dark eyes. His anger hadburned itself out and left him sick and disgusted.
"You have seen Lou and Oscar?" Alexandra asked.
"Yes." His eyes avoided hers.
Alexandra took a deep breath. "And now you are going away. Ithought so."
Carl threw himself into a chair and pushed the dark lock backfrom his forehead with his white, nervous hand. "What a hopelessposition you are in, Alexandra!" he exclaimed feverishly. "It isyour fate to be always surrounded by little men. And I am no betterthan the rest. I am too little to face the criticism of even suchmen as Lou and Oscar. Yes, I am going away; to-morrow. I cannoteven ask you to give me a promise until I have something to offeryou. I thought, perhaps, I could do that; but I find I can't."
"What good comes of offering people things they don't need?"Alexandra asked sadly. "I don't need money. But I have neededyou for a great many years. I wonder why I have been permitted toprosper, if it is only to take my friends away from me."
"I don't deceive myself," Carl said frankly. "I know that I amgoing away on my own account. I must make the usual effort. Imust have something to show for myself. To take what you wouldgive me, I should have to be either a very large man or a verysmall one, and I am only in the middle class."
Alexandra sighed. "I have a feeling that if you go away, you willnot come back. Something will happen to one of us, or to both.People have to snatch at happiness when they can, in this world.It is always easier to lose than to find. What I have is yours,if you care enough about me to take it."
Carl rose and looked up at the picture of John Bergson. "But Ican't, my dear, I can't! I will go North at once. Instead of idlingabout in California all winter, I shall be getting my bearings upthere. I won't waste another week. Be patient with me, Alexandra.Give me a year!"
"As you will," said Alexandra wearily. "All at once, in a singleday, I lose everything; and I do not know why. Emil, too, is goingaway." Carl was still studying John Bergson's face and Alexandra'seyes followed his. "Yes," she said, "if he could have seen allthat would come of the task he gave me, he would have been sorry.I hope he does not see me now. I hope that he is among the oldpeople of his blood and country, and that tidings do not reach himfrom the New World."
PART III. Winter Memories