“When can I see her?”
“As soon as you’re able to get out of bed. Probably tomorrow. I know it’s hard, but try to focus on healing yourself because I won’t lie to you. This is going to be one of the toughest and most exhausting journeys you will ever face, and you need to be at your best and one hundred percent. Sarah is fighting and she’s going to need you to help her.” He gave a small smile. “I’m going to go back and check on her and I’ll talk to you both soon. Until then, rest up.”
After Dr. Cooper left, Lila, the nurse, walked in. “Did you have a nice nap?” She smiled. “I see you’ve met Dr. Cooper. He’s one of the top neonatal doctors in the country. We are so fortunate to have him working here. Your daughter is in the best hands. Do you need some more pain medication?”
“Yes, please.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
“Can I get you anything, Emma?” Max kindly asked.
“Maybe some water?”
He took the cup from the table and brought the straw up to my lips. I slowly took a few sips. He sat down in the chair and took hold of my hand.
“I believe Sarah is going to be just fine. She’s a fighter like her mom.”
“I hope so because if anything happens to her, Max, it’ll destroy me.”
“I know, baby. But she’ll be fine.”
“Don’t you think you should tell your parents?”
“I don’t want to talk about that right now and I don’t want you thinking about them.”
I turned my head and looked out the window. I didn’t want to talk, period. Lila walked back in and pushed the pain meds through my IV.
“There you go. You should start feeling some relief soon. Try to get some more rest and, first thing tomorrow morning, we’ll get you up and walking around. If you need anything, just press this button.”
I looked over at Max, who was checking his phone. “Is something wrong?” I asked.
“No. I was just looking over some emails.”
“You don’t have to stay, Max. I know you’re busy.”
He gave me a look of disappointment. “How could you even say that? Sarah is my child too and I’m not going to abandon her. I don’t care how busy I am. I have people that can handle work at the office for me while I’m gone.”
He was extremely upset when I said that and it hadn’t been my intention to upset him. There was nothing he could do here and he had a business to run.
“Max, I’m sorry. It’s just that you don’t need to sit here with me. You have a company to run and I don’t want it to suffer.”
“Don’t worry about my company, Emma. I’m staying right where I belong and that’s here with you and our daughter.”
I turned away because I couldn’t look at him. I blamed myself for Sarah being born early and if something happened to her, he would never forgive me and I would never forgive myself.
****
Despite me telling Max to go home last night, he stayed and slept on a cot in the room next to my bed. The morning nurse, Kayla, walked in and told me that I had to get up and try to walk around.
“I need to see my baby,” I said with desperation.
“Okay. Let me just call down and tell them you’re coming.”
As soon as she walked out of the room, Max took hold of both my hands. “Listen, Emma, I want you to be prepared when you go and see her. She’s hooked up to different machines and tubes and I don’t want you to be scared.”
“I know.”
“No, baby, you don’t. It’s one thing to think about it and another when you actually see it.”
Kayla walked back in the room with a wheelchair. “Are you ready?”
I took in a deep, long breath and sat down in the chair. Max told the nurse that he would take me and bring me back to the room. We approached the neonatal unit and got buzzed in. My heart began to beat rapidly as he pushed me down the hallway and to the large room where Sarah was. The room was so cold and the beeping sounds of the high-calibrated machines were the only sounds I could hear. The sounds that were keeping all the sick and premature babies alive.
“You must be Emma. I’m Laney and I’ve been taking care of Sarah.” She gave me a sympathetic smile.
I nodded my head, unable to speak from the lump in my throat that was constricting my breathing as fear swept throughout my body. Max pushed the wheelchair up to the incubator where my baby girl lay helpless with a tube down her tiny little throat, helping her breathe. I placed my hand over my mouth as the tears fell down my face and I began to sob uncontrollably. Max knelt down beside me and wrapped his arm around me.
“I know it’s hard, but she’s going to be okay.”
I felt as if I was hyperventilating. Seeing her so helpless and fighting for her life was too much. I couldn’t take it. I had to leave.
“Take me back to the room, Max,” I cried as I shook uncontrollably.
“Emma.”
“Take me back now!”
He looked at Laney, the nurse, and I heard her say that this was completely normal and that it would take a bit of time for me to adjust to seeing her like that. Max stood up and wheeled me back to the room. I was hysterical and couldn’t stop crying. This wasn’t fair to Sarah and it was all my fault. As I climbed back into the bed, Kayla came in and pushed some medication through my IV.
“This is going to help you relax and calm down, Emma. Don’t fight it.”
Max held my hand and stared at me with tears in his eyes as I slowly closed mine and drifted to sleep.
Chapter 27
I awoke to the sounds of whispering. When I opened my eyes, I saw my mom standing over me.
“Emma,” she said with tears in her eyes.
“Mom. What are you doing here?”
“I took the first flight out of Miami. I needed to be here for my girls. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” She sat on the edge of the bed and placed her hand on my cheek. “Sarah is going to be just fine. She’s going to pull through this. She’s a Knight and we Knight women are fighters.”
“You met Max?”
“Yes.” She smiled at him.
Max walked over to the other side of the bed. “You need to eat something. I took the liberty of ordering your dinner because you were asleep. If you want me to go get you something else, I will.”
“I’m not hungry. I can’t eat.”
“Emma, you have to. You have to keep your strength up for your daughter,” my mom spoke.
“Now that your mom is here, I’m going to step outside and make a few phone calls.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.
“That man loves you, Emma.”
“Mom. I don’t want to talk about him right now. I totally freaked out when I saw her lying in that incubator. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to get away as fast as I could. What kind of mother am I?” I began to sob.
“The kind of mother who is scared to death for her child. Emma, you have to believe that she’s going to pull through. If you don’t have hope or faith, then neither does she.”
“It’s so hard seeing her like that. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m not strong enough.”
“Nonsense. Now you listen to me. You are strong and you will be strong for that little girl. Remember what I always told you: God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If God didn’t think you could do this, then he would have already taken her.”
There was a knock on the door and, when it opened, a young girl walked in with my dinner tray and set it on my table. She gave me a small smile and, as she walked out, Max walked back in. My mom took the lid off and stared at the chicken breast that lay on the plate.
“Good choice, Max.” She smiled.
“You can’t go wrong with chicken, right?”
“Let’s hope not.” She winked.
I took a couple of bites and pushed it away. “I’m not hungry.”
I felt broken beyond repair. I was helpless to my daughter and my emotions w
ere all over the place. After a few hours, my mom looked tired and I told her to go to my apartment and get some rest. The truth was that I just wanted to be alone.
“I’m going to take your mom back to your place. Do you need me to get you anything while I’m there?”
“Can you bring me my pink nightgown and matching robe that’s hanging on the bathroom door? My hairbrush, toothbrush, rubber bands, deodorant.”
He smiled. “Of course I can. I’ll be back in a while. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah. I just want to be alone for a while.”
My mom lightly hugged me and kissed my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, sweetheart.”
“Bye, Mom.”
As soon as they left, I lay there; confused, helpless, and overwhelmed. Lila was back on shift and when she walked into the room, she smiled at me.
“Have you been up and around?”
“Not really. I’ve been asleep most of the day.”
“Well, come on, Emma. Let’s do this.”
“I can’t,” I said as I turned my head.
“Yes, you can and you will. You aren’t getting a pity party from me. You’re going to get up and you’re going to walk around. You’re going to get stronger and then you’re going to help that little girl of yours.”
She helped me up from the bed and lightly held on to me as I slowly walked up and down the hall. About two hours later, Max returned and set my bag on the chair in the corner.
“How are you?” he asked as he walked over to the bed.
“I need a shower.”
“Are you allowed?”
“Yeah, but I’m going to need your help because I can’t lift my arms to wash my hair.”
“Of course I’ll help you.”
Suddenly, the raw emotion of him seeing me naked terrified me. The last time he saw me, I was slender and toned.
“You know what? Forget it. I can take it some other time.”
“Why? I think taking a shower will help you feel a little better. Maybe even clear your mind a bit.”
“No. It’s okay.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
He gave me a strange look and narrowed his eye. “Are you afraid to be naked in front of me? Have you forgotten that I’ve seen all of you and that’s what got us here in the first place?”
“No. I haven’t forgotten. But the last time you saw me naked, I was thin and we were having sex.”
“It doesn’t matter. You were beautiful then and you’re just as beautiful now.”
“I know this may sound crazy to you but sometimes, when I look at you, I feel like you’re a stranger.”
“I’m sorry, Emma. I truly am. Please let me help you. Please.”
“Fine.”
He helped me to the bathroom and closed the door. He turned on the water and made sure it was nice and hot, but not too hot. He rolled up his sleeves and untied the back of my gown, taking it off of me and setting it on the sink. He didn’t look at me any differently than he used to. I stepped into the tub and stood there as he removed the handheld showerhead and let it run down my blonde hair.
“I brought your shampoo and conditioner. I left it in the bag. Hold this and I’ll be right back.”
A few seconds later, he entered the bathroom with my bottles of shampoo and conditioner from home. He poured some in his hand and slowly massaged it into my hair. Oh my God, his fingers felt so good on my scalp. After rinsing, he ran some conditioner through my hair and then helped me wash my body.
“Did my mom get settled okay?”
“Yeah. She’s a great woman, Emma. You’re lucky to have her as a mother.”
“Thanks. She is pretty awesome.”
“Darren sends his love. He said he’ll stop by tomorrow if you’re feeling up to it.”
“That would be great.”
Once my shower was finished, I stepped out and Max wrapped the towel around me. After changing into my nightgown and robe, I walked over to the bed and sat down.
“I want to see her again, Max.”
“Now?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe you should wait until the morning.”
I shook my head. “No. I want to see her now.”
“Okay. I’ll go grab a wheelchair.”
“I can walk.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
We went to the neonatal unit and walked into the cold room. Laney, the nurse I met earlier, smiled when she saw me.
“You’re back.”
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t apologize. It’s hard to see your baby like that the first time.
I walked over to where she was lying and Laney pulled up a chair. I sat down as a few tears filled my eyes.
“You can touch her.” Laney smiled.
“Really?” I looked up at her.
“Babies need their mother’s touch and she can hear you too, so make sure to talk to her. Trust in your abilities to start parenting. She needs you now more than ever.”
I placed my hand through the large hole of the incubator and felt the warmth on my skin as my finger softly stroked her little hand.
“She’s beautiful.” I began to cry as I looked up at Max.
“I know she is. Would it be wrong of me to say she’s the most beautiful baby in this hospital?”
I let out a light laugh. “When will I be able to hold her?” I asked Laney.
“Probably in a couple of days. She’s doing really well and she may be able to come off the ventilator soon. She is a little anemic, which is common in babies born this early, so tomorrow morning, we’re going to give her a blood transfusion. It’s nothing to worry about and just about every baby in here has had one. I’ll leave the two of you alone to visit with your daughter. If you need anything, I’ll be right across the room.”
As I stared at Sarah and stroked her tiny arm, I still couldn’t believe that she was here. Max knelt down next to me and I removed my hand so he could touch her.
“Go ahead.” I gave a small smile.
When he touched her hand, she splayed her little fingers. “She moved.” He smiled.
I laid my head on his shoulder as I stared at my beautiful tiny baby girl. We took turns touching and comforting her until Laney told us that we had to leave because they were about to do a shift change. We walked back to the room and I could tell how tired Max was.
“I want you to go home, Max. You need to get some proper sleep in your own bed.”
“I’m fine, Emma.”
“Seriously, Max. Go. I’m fine and you can come back first thing tomorrow morning. I’ll wait for you to go and see her.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
“All right then. I’ll be here first thing in the morning.” He leaned over and kissed my head.
As soon as he left the room, I lay down and buzzed the nurse for some more pain meds. Max and I had a long road ahead of us as far as Sarah was concerned. He was so attentive to me and my needs and a feeling of confusion settled inside of me. I kept thinking about my father and how he just left us without any explanation at all. As I lay there, I heard the sounds of the crying babies who were with their mothers in their rooms.
I stayed in the hospital a couple of more days and, on my last day there, I was able to hold my little girl for a few minutes. When the nurse put her in my arms, I began to cry when she opened her eyes and looked at me. Dr. Cooper had walked over to us and told us how well she was doing and that tomorrow they would be taking her off the ventilator. The hardest part was yet to come. The moment I had to step outside the hospital doors and leave my daughter behind. My mom stayed with me the entire day yesterday and then had to catch a flight back to Miami to go back to work at the diner. They were down a waitress because Maureen’s husband had passed away.
Max and I went back to my room and the nurse brought in the discharge papers for me to sign.
“Sin
ce you don’t have any insurance, we’ll need a partial payment today,” she spoke.
“I will pay for Emma’s stay, but my daughter is covered under my insurance plan through my company.”
She nodded and left the room.
“Max, you don’t need to do that.”
“Yes, I do. Now no arguing. Are you ready to go home?”
“No. I’m not,” I replied as I walked over to the window and stared out into the courtyard.
He walked over and placed his hands on my shoulders. “I know how hard this is because I’m feeling it too, but we have no choice.”
I sighed. “I know.”
Darren had come up and taken the flowers that my friends sent me down to the car while Max grabbed my bag. We were supposed to wait for a wheelchair, hospital policy, but I didn’t want to go down in one. I was more than capable of walking.
Chapter 28
Max and I looked like ordinary people walking out of the hospital. We didn’t appear to be new parents, holding our baby and putting her in her car seat for the first time. We left holding only the bag Max had packed for me. I gulped as I watched a new mom smiling down at her baby as she handed him to his father to be put in the car. Tears started to fill my eyes and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness crept inside me.
“Come on, Emma. Get inside the car.” I slid inside and wiped the tear that fell from my eye. Max took hold of my hand and kissed the side of my head without saying a word.
I stepped inside my apartment first while Max followed behind with my bag and Darren carried up the flowers. I walked straight to the nursery and looked at the empty crib that was waiting for Sarah.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to bring her home and show her how beautiful her room is.” I wiped another tear that fell.