The blood in my veins thundered and I felt slightly dizzy as I laid my body down in front of his, pulling my booted feet up on the couch and gently resting my head on his bicep that was tucked under me. Zack's arm tightened around my waist and he pulled me in to his body.
I held my breath for I don't know how long, just examining everything about the moment. The way I could feel the heat of his body against mine, the security of his arm around me, his breath on the top of my head as he rested his chin there.
I tried to focus on the TV and my favorite movie--yes, he listened to me and knew my favorite movie--yet I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the emotions that threatened to drown me at that moment.
Zack Grantham was cuddling with me.
Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.
And now we've been busted by Ben.
Resting my elbows on my knees, I bend over and rub my temples with my fingers. Yes, something changed, but I don't know what. What I do know is that Ben saw us together in an intimate situation and I am feeling absolutely horrible about it. I don't even remember falling asleep, and apparently Zack conked out hard too. We were in the same exact position we had originally lain down in.
Oh, God...Ben. How are we going to explain this to him?
"Hey," Zack says as he walks back into the living room.
I lift my head and look at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I was so stupid to have fallen asleep like that."
Shaking his head, Zack holds up a hand. "I fell asleep too. Quit beating yourself up about it."
"What are we going to tell him?" I ask in a panic.
"I'm going to take him upstairs and get him ready. I think I'm just going to reiterate that you and I are friends and that we just fell asleep while watching TV."
I nod vigorously, but say vaguely, "That sounds good."
"It's fine, Kate," Zack says as he looks at me. He can tell I'm pretty wigged-out about this.
"Okay," I say as I let out a huge breath.
Standing from the couch, I walk up to him and lay a hand lightly on his chest. I can feel his heart racing and the pulse at the bottom of his neck jumps radically. "Thank you for my birthday...dinner, the talk...the movie. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had."
Zack's eyes flash and I see just a hint of pleasure from my words in there. But it's quashed just as quickly and cool aloofness filters in. He takes a step back and my hand falls away from his chest. He shrugs casually. "Yeah, sure. Glad I could do something for you on such short notice."
And, just like that, I realize the shift I thought had happened in our relationship had not happened at all. What really happened was a very brief and temporary moment where Zack let his walls down and invited me in closer.
Unfortunately, the minute he got up from the couch, those walls slammed right back into place and we were back to where we started.
--
I take a break from unpacking and grab my purse off the kitchen table. Reaching in and blindly searching, I finally pull out an old bottle of Aleve that I had in there. I shake out two and swallow them down with a sip of bottled water. I give a stretch to my back, which is on fire from all of the lifting I've been doing.
But I just finished the second-to-last box, and with only one more to go, I'm happy that the kitchen will be fully set up and ready to cook in for breakfast tomorrow.
Of course, then I'll have the rest of the house to unpack. The good thing is that Delaney is flying in tomorrow mid-morning and I know that she and I will be able to knock it out in a few days. I know I sure as hell can't count on Zack. I gave him the first task this afternoon once the movers had finished unloading, and that was to hook up the electronics. I found him and Ben half an hour later playing Wii. He just shot me a sheepish grin and said, "What? I need to keep the kid entertained."
It did not make me happy that Zack was sitting on his ass while I was doing all this heavy work. This really made me unhappy as I realized that I'm doing all of this unpacking because I truly am the employee and Zack is the employer, and if he wants to sit around on his ass and eat bonbons and order me around...then that's well within his rights.
Joke's on him, though. I'm going to be too tired and sore to let him fuck me tonight, so he can go to bed without, I huff to myself.
Then I snicker. I'm such a devious woman.
The front door opens and I hear Ben's feet running through the living room. Zack and Ben had gone out to pick us up a pizza for dinner, so I reach into the cupboard I had just packed full of dinnerware and pull three plates out.
Ben comes flying into the kitchen, at the same time I hear Zack call out to me from in the living room. Pointing to the bathroom, I tell Ben, "Go get washed up."
I can tell he's going to be turning four soon because this used to be a major fight with him sometimes...just getting him to wash his hands. But I can see the kid maturing day by day. Or maybe he's getting used to me as an authority figure.
Walking into the living room, I turn the corner and see Zack staring at the built-in bookshelves that flank both sides of the fireplace. "What's up, pup?"
His voice is low but thunderous as he turns to face me. "Where the fuck are all the pictures?"
"What?" I ask, completely confused as my eyes flick from him to the empty bookshelves.
"The pictures," he repeats as he jabs a thumb in the direction of the shelves. "All the pictures of Gina."
"Oh," I say hesitantly, and my eyes dart to the boxes stacked against the wall. "They're still in the boxes. I haven't had a chance to get to them yet."
"Jesus Christ," he growls as he stalks toward the boxes. "I asked for just one thing for you to do when we moved, and that was to make sure this shit gets unpacked and put out first so that Ben can see the photos of his mother."
"I'm sorry," I blurt out as I hurry over to him. As he reaches out for the first box, I intercept him and grab it. "I got focused on getting the kitchen unpacked so I could cook tomorrow. I'll get them unpacked right now."
"Just forget it," he hisses at me as he turns to set the box on the couch, ripping away the tape.
Tears prick at the backs of my eyes and I swallow hard past the lump that forms in my throat. "Zack...I'm sorry. I completely forgot."
"Of course you did," he sneers sarcastically as he pulls the flaps of the box open.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask him quietly, my chest starting to ache.
"It means that maybe there's a reason you didn't unpack Gina's photos. Maybe you don't want them out."
"What?" I gasp in indignation, now the tears welling up for real. "Why would you ever say such a thing?"
He turns to me with one of the frames in his hand. Some of the anger seems to seep out of his eyes and he lets out a grunt of frustration. "Just forget it. Go get Ben fed while I handle this."
My anger bubbles and then starts to boil into rage. How dare he accuse me of that? And how dare he treat me with such disrespect, especially since I've been busting my ass to try to help get him and Ben settled in their new home?
"Go get Ben fed yourself," I snap at him. "I'm not your lapdog and I sure as hell ain't your whipping post."
Zack's jaw drops in astonishment, but I don't wait around to see what he does. I spin away from him before the tears can fall and run into the kitchen. Grabbing my purse, I cut through the dining room and head for the front door.
Zack calls out to me. "Kate...don't go."
Fuck you, Zack.
I slam out of the house, down the front porch steps, and hurry across the yard to the sidewalk. I cross my arms over my stomach, warding off the evening chill. The days have started to warm up nicely since we're almost into April, but the nights are still a little cold. One tear drops down my cheek and I hurriedly wipe it away.
Don't cry, Kate. You're not a crier.
I make it to the end of the block and take a left. I think I remember seeing a bus stop just about a quarter of a mile outside the entrance to this subdivision, although I have
no clue where I'll go. I half run, half walk, trying to put as much distance as I can between me and the man who is now starting to batter my heart.
A car approaches me from the rear and when it pulls up alongside me, I hear Zack call out to me. "Kate...get in the car."
I don't even look over at him, just duck my head and start trotting faster. He curses and then steps on the gas, his Range Rover shooting forward twenty feet before he slams on the brakes. The driver's-side door flies open and Zack gets out, slamming the door hard. In three strides he's in front of me and his hands are on my shoulders.
I duck my head lower and try to push my way past him. "Let go of me."
"For Christ's sake," he growls at me, gripping my shoulders tighter. "Just listen to me a minute."
I try to pull away from him and he gives me a little shake. "I'm sorry, Kate. Fuck...you have to know I didn't mean any of that. I have no clue what came over me."
"You're an asshole," I say in a small voice.
Zack pulls on me forcefully and I slam into his body. His arms wrap around me and he squeezes me hard, his chin coming to rest on my head. "I know. And I'm sorry."
I blink hard several times to dispel the tears that are threatening. "Is Ben in the car watching this?" I mumble into his chest.
"No," he says on a sigh. "I put him at the kitchen table with a piece of pizza and ordered him not to move."
Jerking out of his arms, I say, "You need to get back. You can't leave him alone."
Zack pushes his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I know. But I couldn't let you leave like that. Will you just get in the car and come back to the house?"
I have my stubborn pride, but I also know Zack is stubborn too. He's not leaving until I get in that car and go back to his house, and I am not about to let Ben sit by himself for another moment more. Spinning on my heel, I say, "Fine. Let's go."
We're silent on the short drive back, and when we walk in the house Ben is happily sitting at the table, pulling pepperoni off his pizza. Zack watches me warily, but I don't pay him any mind.
"I'm tired," I say quietly, knowing he won't argue with me in front of Ben. "I'm going to head to bed."
"You need to eat," Zack says, almost pleadingly.
"Not hungry," I tell him, and then walk up to Ben. Leaning over, I give him a kiss on top of his head. "G'night, Silly Putty Pop Star."
Ben tilts his head backward to look at me upside down with a grin. "Night, Kate."
As I start to head back through the living room toward the stairs, Zack tries one more time. "Kate..."
"We'll talk tomorrow," I tell him without looking back.
And what should we talk about?
Should I tell him that he's sending me mixed signals? Should I tell him that every time he pulls me closer, he then does something to hurt me? And yes...it hurts a lot to have a physically intimate relationship with someone that I've come to admire and care for, who doesn't return those feelings.
It's stupid of me, really, to keep going.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But on the flip side, Zack has made many changes since we've started this sexual relationship. He's pushed aside boundaries that he'd said were set in stone. I'm sure he must care some for me.
I'm just not sure it's enough.
--
Zack clearly didn't hear me when I told him we'd talk tomorrow.
He came into my room just after nine P.M. I was awake because damn if I could go to sleep, despite how tired I was. The entire wretched scenario just kept playing over and over in my head.
Zack walks over to my bedside table and turns on the lamp. I blink from the bright light since I had been lying in the dark for a few hours. He just stares down at me a moment before he says, "Guilty."
I shift and then sit up in the bed, pulling the covers over my lap. "Excuse me?"
"I felt guilty that Gina's pictures weren't out. I felt like I was betraying her memory that they weren't out. I felt like shit, I felt guilty, and I took it out on you. And I'm sorry."
Well, damn...every bit of anger, hurt, and doubt that I had been feeling dissipates and is replaced just as quickly by empathy for Zack. Before I can say anything, he takes a step closer and squats down beside my bed. His hand comes out and rests on my leg. "I'm really sorry, Kate. You didn't deserve that. That was my pill to swallow and I tried to shove it down your throat instead."
"It's okay," I say softly, my hand reaching out to tug on his shirtsleeve. "You're entitled to be an ass every once in a while."
"I'm trying," he says as he looks at me with naked honesty in his eyes. "I really am. You've thrown me for a loop, Kate. You've made me feel shit I didn't think possible and it's all confused in my head. I just want you to bear with me for a bit while I work through this."
I nod at him, my heart cracking wide open and trying to suck him inside. "I can do that."
"I can't promise you anything," he says just as gently. "I still don't have anything to offer you other than what we have right now. There may never be anything else other than sex. I'm just being honest, but you can't hold out hope for some romantic fairy-tale ending for us, okay?"
I wait for my heart to start breaking again, but it doesn't. It instead opens a bit wider with complete acceptance of the fact that Zack is a broken man and he may never heal enough to be what I need. But he is enough for me right this very minute.
"So it's still only sex between us, huh?"
"Yeah," he says, his head tilted to the side and apology in his eyes. "But I am really sorry for hurting you a bit ago. The last thing I want is to hurt you."
"Well, peachy keen, jelly bean," I tell him with an inviting smile as I lie down and scoot over on the mattress. "If this is just sex, then how about we get to that part of what we at least do well."
Zack's eyes flash hot as I pull the covers back and invite him in. He stands up and whips his shirt off, his hands then going to the button on his jeans. He stills for just a moment. "You're sure?"
"For right now," I tell him truthfully. "Right now...at this moment...I'm sure."
Chapter 25
Zack
In just two and a half days, Delaney, Kate, and I have the house almost entirely unpacked. The only thing left to do is sort through some of the shit in the garage that I wasn't sure if I should keep or not but hadn't had the time to go through before we had to move. That can wait until after the playoffs, though.
The doorbell rings and I get up from the couch to answer it. Delaney is in the kitchen, preparing everything for a spur-of-the-moment barbecue I decided to have. I called up Ryker and asked him if he wanted to come over and have some burgers, and he was all for that. He just sent his girls back up to Boston after a short visit from them and I figure the dude has to be lonely after that.
Opening the door, I see Ryker standing there with a six-pack of microbrews and a grin on his face. "Dude...nice house."
"Thanks," I say as I step back for him to come in. He holds his hand out and I give it a quick shake.
"Brought you some housewarming beer," he says.
"Sweet," I say as I take it from him. "Come on in the kitchen. Delaney's getting everything ready. I'll give you the grand tour later, but right now I have to start the grill."
"Man's work," Ryker states.
"Damn straight," I tell him. "And grilling the burgers too."
He laughs behind me as I lead him through the living room. Once we get into the kitchen, I introduce him to Delaney. She can't do anything more than give him a smile of welcome since she's making the burger patties. I entrust Ryker to her care, though, so I can go start the grill, and even think briefly to myself, I wonder if they'd have any interest in each other?
Probably not. Delaney is a workaholic and she'd never leave Manhattan.
I step out onto the back deck and my eyes immediately go to Kate and Ben. She's sitting in one of the swings while Ben is working the monkey bars.
My eyes shift back to Kate, and she looks so beauti
ful sitting there. Everything seems to be back on track with us now, and for that I'm grateful, because I sure as hell don't know what I'd do if she kicked me out of her bed. I'm fucking addicted to her special combination of goofy charm and blazing-hot sexiness.
The last time I was able to touch her was the night I so stupidly let my inner douchiness come out when I saw Gina's pictures weren't unpacked. I wasn't lying to her. That was just a product of me feeling like shit about myself and piling that pain onto someone else. Thank God she forgave me the transgression and let me back inside.
And she did take me inside her body that night. She and I fucked all night long. I stayed in her bed, intermittently dozing with her, only to wake up with another hard-on and the need to fuck her again. Over and over and when the sun came up, it still didn't feel like it was enough.
I felt almost a desperation. That the more I could make her orgasm, the more she'd be okay with what I was able to offer her.
I haven't been able to get near her since then because, damn, Delaney is staying in the guest room next to Kate's and I just don't want to deal with listening to her bitch if we're busted. But Delaney's leaving tomorrow and she's taking Ben with her. They're going on a planned trip to Nova Scotia to stay with our parents for about ten days and then going to go see Gina's parents while there so they can spend some time with Ben.
That gives me one week alone with Kate--less the away games during the first round of the playoffs that start the day after next--and my dick jumps in eagerness as I think of all the things I could do to her in this house when we're alone.
Suddenly, Ben lets out a wail and I see him on the ground underneath the monkey bars, flat on his back. Fear courses through me and I jet toward the deck stairs and launch myself down them. By the time I hit the ground, Kate has gotten him up and is holding him. His arms are wrapped tightly around her neck and his face is pressed into her shoulder as he cries loudly.
"What happened?" I say anxiously as I come to a skidding halt next to them.
Kate gives me a reassuring smile. "He fell off the bars. Knocked the breath out of him is all. I think he's more scared than hurt."
My heart rate immediately starts to calm, but my heart aches over Ben's cries. There is nothing worse in the world than hearing that from your child.
"You okay, buddy?" I ask as I brush the hair back from his forehead. He lifts his head and looks at me with big fat glistening tears pooling and then spilling.