“What did you tell Nina?”
“She wasn’t happy, but she somehow continued to trust me when I said it was an emergency related to what I needed to talk to her about. I told her I would explain everything when I returned after a couple of days. It was an absolute nightmare.”
Mitch looked horrified. “So, you had the talk as soon as you got back?”
My tired mind couldn’t take anymore. “Skylar, Nina’s told you the story, right? You want to fill him in?”
“That bastard Ryan had looked up Jake’s information in a database at work and found his marriage license. He took home a copy of it that night and showed it to Nina before Jake came back.”
“Holy shit. Fuck, man. I’m sorry. She totally thought you were just messing around on your wife, then?”
“She left the apartment and wasn’t planning on ever speaking to me again. I came home to Ryan chastising me about it while Nina was nowhere to be found.”
Mitch scrunched his forehead in confusion. “Where did she go?”
“She’d somehow become friends with Mrs. Ballsworthy’s daughter, Daria. That was strange in itself. Anyway, she moved in with her on the other side of Brooklyn. I had to choke Ryan to get the address out of him. I ended up locating her, and we were finally able to have the talk. But by that time, our relationship had been tarnished.”
“How did she take it?”
I grinded my teeth in frustration, not wanting to recall anything about that conversation. “She was shocked, told me she couldn’t be with me unless I got divorced. But she did understand my needing to take care of Ivy. Nina had too big of a heart to ever question that.”
My sister spoke from behind me. “Those months were horrible for him.”
I hadn’t realized she was listening in.
She handed me a plate even though I’d said I had no appetite. “It took you a long time to garner the courage to tell Ivy you needed to file for divorce.”
“It needed to be done very carefully. Ivy was devastated once I told her I’d fallen in love with someone, mainly because she was sure that meant I’d abandon her. It took some time to hash out all of the legalities. But it was all necessary if I wanted to be with Nina.”
“Where did things stand between you and Nina during all that time?” Mitch asked.
So much for not rehashing everything.
I needed to just explain it as simply as possible and then be done with this conversation.
“Bottom line, things were rough for a while. Ryan continued to be an impediment, too. But Nina and I could never really manage to stay away from each other. Case in point, she got pregnant with A.J. during that time. And that surprise was the miracle that saved us. The past nine years haven’t gone without challenges, but I feel like our love has only gotten stronger.”
I knew Mitch understood where I was coming from because he and Skylar had certainly had their share of drama. They were apart for five years before they finally got their shit straight.
Mitch nodded and scratched his chin. “Has Nina ever met Ivy?”
“No. I don’t think that would be healthy for either one of them. Nina never asked to meet her, and Ivy pretends my family doesn’t exist. It’s the only way she can handle it when she’s even aware enough to think about it. It’s a coping mechanism.”
Mitch Jr. started crying, so Skylar got up to retrieve him from the playpen.
Mitch pointed his finger at me. “By the way, I think we need to tag team, hunt this Ryan down and beat his ass.”
“Believe me, he didn’t escape my wrath. I ended up beating the shit out of him once when Nina was pregnant. But over the years, he’s apologized enough times that I, at least, don’t want to kill him anymore. It’s hard to avoid him because Nina’s parents are still close to his. Ryan and his wife are at a lot of family functions when we go to upstate New York. He married this really cool chick from Australia named Lisa, who clearly has no idea what a dick he can be. She’s way too good for him, though. They just had a son they named after Jimmy. They live not far from Nina’s parents. He works in law enforcement now for the town.”
Skylar was feeding the baby again. “I just can’t forgive him for everything he did, especially what happened after A.J. was born. That was just unconscionable.”
I straightened in my chair, uncomfortable with where this was going. “After A.J. was born? What are you talking about?”
“When he went to Nina’s parents’ house during the week she was staying there with the baby…when your work sent you overseas.”
My insides were twisting. “Say what?”
“Oh, shit. Nina never said anything to you?”
“Apparently, fucking not.”
“I just assumed she did. I’m so sorry, Jake. Crap. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I—”
“Skylar! What the fuck happened?” It wasn’t my intention to yell, but the fact that she knew about something that I didn’t really pissed me off.
“You know how Nina was really depressed, going through all of that post-partum stuff?”
“Of course, I remember. That was exactly why I didn’t want her to be alone that week. She was constantly in tears. A.J. was only a few months old. But I’d just started a new job that I really needed, and they made me go to Germany for training, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to take the position. I drove her up to her parents’ so they could help take care of her.”
“Yeah. Nina called me a lot during that time. No one understood her postpartum depression. Nina’s parents thought it meant she was unhappy with you because of the situation with Ivy. Somehow, Ryan got wind of it and showed up there that week, basically professing his love for her, saying that it wasn’t too late for them, that he could make her happy, take care of her and the baby.”
My body went rigid. I bit down on my bottom lip, nearly drawing blood. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Immediately taking out my phone, I scrolled down to Ryan’s name.
Skylar panicked. “Please don’t be mad at Nina. What are you doing?”
“I have that fucker’s number. I’m calling him.”
No one should have witnessed what I planned to say or do during that call. I walked into our bedroom and slammed the door shut as the phone rang.
The sound of his baby crying in the background was the first thing I heard when the line picked up. Then, came Ryan’s voice.
“Hello?”
“Ryan…”
“Jake? What’s up? Long time no—”
“The last time I saw you at Sheryl’s sixtieth birthday, do you remember what I said to you?”
“Yeah. Uh, you said, ‘life is too short to hold a grudge.’”
My hand was squeezing the pillow. I imagined it was Ryan’s neck. “Well, forget that. What I meant was, ‘life is too short not to smash your head in.’ Next time I see you, I’m gonna do just that.”
“What? What the hell are you talking about?”
Clenching my jaw, I said, “When I made amends with you, I didn’t know that you tried to break up my family after my son was born. All bets are off now.”
“I need to explain.”
“I’d love to hear how you try to explain your way out of this.”
Ryan let out a deep sigh that I felt in my ear. “I need to try.”
I muttered a myriad of obscenities under my breath.
“Are you listening?” he asked.
“You have one minute.”
He was silent. Then, I heard a sniffle.
It sounded like he’d started to cry.
What the fuck?
“Are you crying, you fucking pussy?”
He sniffled again. There was a long delay before he spoke. “I don’t know if Nina ever told you that when Jimmy died, I was by his side.”
“She did.”
“The last thing he said to me before his eyes closed—the very last thing—was ‘take care of my sister.’”
He continued to speak. And I let him.
“I
never had a problem with you before she moved into the apartment all those years ago. You know that. After she started hanging out with you, she changed. Nina was happy for the first time since Jimmy died. You were able to get her to overcome some of those stupid fears. I hated that you were able to do something that I couldn’t. The way I saw it, Jimmy had left me with one responsibility, and I’d failed. I started to really resent you. But more than anything, I was afraid that if you hurt her, she was going to be worse than she was before. You still there?”
“Yes.”
“After your marriage to Ivy came out, I became more convinced that I needed to get Nina away from you. Even though the circumstances were unique, I still felt that the whole thing was a recipe for disaster and that she deserved better. When she found out she was pregnant, I truly believed that she was only staying with you because she was afraid to be alone. Soon after that, Tarah moved out and left me when she figured out my obsession with Nina. I confessed to her about some of the things I’d done to try to keep you and Nina apart. So, I had nothing to lose. After your son was born, during the week Nina was staying at her parents’ house, I gave it one last college try. My folks had told me that she was really unhappy. I didn’t realize it was the postpartum depression. So, I went to her and told her I loved her and that if she wanted to leave you, I’d take care of her. I didn’t understand the depth of her feelings for you. Do you know what she told me?”
My voice was barely audible. “What?”
“She told me that even though she felt lost and didn’t even really know who she was anymore, the only thing she was sure of in life was how much she loved you. She told me her best hope for me was that I would someday get to experience that kind of soul deep love with someone. Looking back, it’s clear to me that I didn’t love her that way at all. I’d been trying to win a competition for her. It wasn’t until I met Lisa that I understood the kind of love you and Nina have. I know now that I could have never torn you two apart. When you truly love someone, it’s indestructible.”
“Yeah…”
“So, once again, I need to tell you how sorry I am. I was wrong. Nina and you always belonged together. Jimmy told me to take care of her. But he changed his mind and sent a better man instead.”
I closed my eyes. I needed to get my wife home.
“Go back to your baby,” I said.
“Are we okay again?”
“I’m not sure. But I probably won’t smash your face in.”
“I’ll take that for now.”
“Good night, Ryan.”
I hung up before he could respond.
I lay back on the bed to compose my thoughts before dialing Nina. Ryan’s words ran through my head. He sent a better man instead. It was doubtful that Nina was feeling that way about me right now.
I reached over to the nightstand and lifted a picture of Nina and me taken on a Gondola ride in Venice during our honeymoon. The smile on her face was difficult to take in right now, knowing she was somewhere trying to get away from me, that she was likely thinking about all of the ways I hadn’t put her first.
I shuddered.
The sounds of my family and friends talking in the next room seemed miles away.
Forcing myself up, I decided to head to the master bath to splash some water on my face before returning to the living room.
The water cooled my skin but didn’t calm me down.
As I wiped my face, a pink box in the small garbage can caught my eye. It was the discarded packaging of a pregnancy test.
I started to feel lightheaded as I bent to pick it up. This was officially my first clue as to what caused Nina to lose it last night. There was no sign of a test stick itself. The box said it included three tests, but the trash came up empty.
I ignored everyone as I bolted through the living room and into the other bathroom where there was nothing in the trash but one of A.J’s empty juice boxes. A search of the kitchen garbage also turned up nothing. Not one pregnancy test showed up in the entire house even though the box was empty.
Feeling distraught, I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the granite countertop with my head in my hands. I didn’t have to guess what happened. I knew.
We’d taken countless tests together over the past few years, all negative. Each time was more difficult than the last. My fear was that Nina went through that experience alone last night while I was stuck at the hospital, and that fueled her anger toward me.
We’d recently talked about going to see a fertility specialist, but Nina had been scared to go on any drugs. We were supposed to be discussing it again soon now that she’d finished nursing school.
The vibration of the phone in my pocket startled me. Nina’s name lit up on the screen. My heartbeat felt like excruciating waves thrashing against the walls of my chest.
“Nina.”
“Hi.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at a diner downtown.”
“A diner? What are you doing there?”
“I came here to think.”
“Have you been there all day?”
“No.”
“What have you been doing?”
“At first, I honestly just wandered around aimlessly.”
Cedric walked into the kitchen to check on me. “Everything alright?”
Waving him away, I nodded.
“Who was that?”
“That was Cedric. He and Allison are here. You didn’t know it, but I’d planned a party for you tonight. That was the whole reason I initially went to Ivy’s last night instead of today. Skylar and Mitch are here, too.”
“What? Are you kidding?”
“I wish. You made me promise not to call you, so I kept my word. We’ve just been hanging out here waiting for you, hoping you’d come home.”
“Oh my God. I feel horrible. We need to talk, Jake. I was going to come home right now, but I think you need to meet me here if we won’t have any privacy.”
“No lie, you’re freaking me out, baby. But I’ll meet you anywhere you want. I’ll fucking walk to the ends of the earth if you just tell me we’re okay.”
Her breathing became uneven, and it sounded like she was crying.
“Nina? You’re scaring the living fuck out of me. What’s happening?”
“Promise me you won’t be mad at me.”
A lump formed in my throat. “Mad at you for what? Aren’t you supposed to be mad at me?”
“Just promise me you won’t get upset with what I’m about to tell you.”
“Okay. I promise. Whatever it is, I won’t get mad. Where were you today?”
A long, uncomfortable silence put me further on edge. What she said next put me over the edge.
“I went to see Ivy.”
CHAPTER 20
NINA
Everything seemed to be making me cry lately, but it was especially bad that particular Friday afternoon. My eyes were welling up at the drop of a hat. I was so gosh darn emotional. According to my calendar, my period was due, so it made some sense. My hormones always got the best of me around this time of the month but never like this.
When my mother-in-law came to pick up A.J., I’d taken a deep whiff of his hair, not wanting to let him go. Then, a tear fell when saying goodbye to him.
What was wrong with me?
His reaction had made me laugh. “Mom, you’re messing up my Mohawk.”
Recently, he’d convinced us to let him wear his jet black hair longer on the top. Jake shaved the sides so that the top was more prominent. Even though the style looked really cute on him, we wouldn’t let him wear it spiked on school days.
A.J. looked nothing like me. With his dark hair, green eyes and dimples, he was all Jake. We used to joke that Jake just shit A.J. out and that I had nothing to do with our son’s creation. But of course, my c-section scar and the months of postpartum depression after he was born served as the evidence that I was definitely his mother. I was just the incubator.
A.J. was only g
oing to be forty minutes away in Malden for the weekend, but for some reason, I was going to really miss him. It was rare that he spent the night away from home. At the same time, it would be refreshing for Jake and me to have some time alone. I was really looking forward to having my sexy man all to myself tonight.
The timing was perfect for it. We’d been under a lot of stress lately between my final nursing clinicals before graduation and the ongoing issues with trying for a baby. Just thinking about the past couple of months caused a fresh stream of tears to fall down my cheeks yet again. I needed Jake to come home and knock some sense into me, make me laugh, comfort me, make love to me.
It would be another couple of hours before he returned from work. To pass the time, I decided to take a walk down to the drug store on Harvard Street for some magazines and shampoo.
I stopped by the local café for a to-go coffee and window shopped in Coolidge Corner on my way. The sun was setting, and the streets were bustling with people heading home from work for the weekend.
We lived in the cutest neighborhood. There were lots of eclectic shops and family-owned businesses. Sometimes, I couldn’t believe how lucky we were. As I pondered that, my eyes once again filled with moisture. Everything was making me cry.
Snap out of it, Nina.
As I entered the sliding automatic doors at CVS, the bright fluorescent lights helped cool down my emotional state. I took my time browsing each aisle. It was a rarity to be here alone without A.J. begging for sour gummy worms or a cheap toy.
When I stopped in the magazine section, a smiling baby with a cherubic face stared back at me from the front page of a parenting periodical. When my eyes moistened again, a thought crossed my mind.
Could I be pregnant? Is that why my emotions are out of whack?
I hated to ponder it because that would set myself up for disappointment again. I knew better than to get my hopes up. Still, when I passed the reproductive health aisle, I couldn’t resist nonchalantly dumping a pregnancy test kit into my basket.