Lying it over where I think his little body would be resting in the ground, I feel so sad but kind of good too when the blanket is laid out perfectly. I wish I had been able to keep him warm in life, but I couldn't. Now I can warm him a little bit here in death I hope.
"Um, it's the only perfect blanket I've ever made," I smile at the ground. "There isn't even one hole, and the colors blended perfectly on the edges, and it's really good. Well, it’s good for me anyway, because I can't seem to get this knitting thing down yet," I giggle a little feeling stupid talking about my lack of knitting skills to his grave.
"I'm sorry I didn't love you enough to keep you alive when I should've, but I promise I didn't mean to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you, and I never wanted you to die," I whisper as the first tear slides down my cheek. "I really wanted you to live, and I wanted you and your daddy to be very happy together, but I just didn't love you enough to keep you alive, and for that I’ll always be sorry. I'll always know what a horrible mother I was to you, but I promise I didn’t mean to be."
"Suzanne," Z says sitting down beside me in the snow. "You didn't do anything wrong, love."
Shaking my head, I'm a little mad Z interrupted me, so as I turn to his face I ask him to be quiet. "This is between us," I whisper pointing to the baby blanket as Z nods sadly.
"Anyway, I think I'm going to try to have another baby with your dad, but I want you to know that if I succeed and have a little brother or sister for you, I'm never going to not love them enough, or good enough, or best enough to keep them happy. And alive," I choke up again. "I won't, Thomas. I'll be a good mom, and I'll love them the way I should've loved you."
Crying hard in a quick burst, nothing feels good, and I'm sad as I lean down on his blanket clutching my own chest. I'm aching and so devastated, the memories of his little face poking out of the hospital blanket are all I know in this moment.
"I'm so sorry, baby. But I do love you. I love you so much, and I really want you to know that. Okay?" Choking, I cry and wipe my cold face on his blanket. "I love you Thomas, and I always will. Please forgive me," I beg as the sobs spill from my heart to seep into the frozen earth that surrounds him. "Please...?"
"He forgives you, Suzanne," Z whispers before lying down against me and wrapping me in his arms. "He told me he loved you and forgave you in a dream I had. He loves you and he forgives you, I promise."
"Oh, god... He does?" I cry into his baby blanket. Clutching him to my chest I weep for the little baby boy I didn't know how to love.
"He does..." Z whispers then silences as I let the pain take my body.
This is the goodbye I never had, and these are the words I never said. This is the love I never showed my Thomas. But it's right here all around us together. And I can finally start my life with Z now.
"Let’s go, Suzanne. Let me help you," Z whispers sadly.
Lifting me right off the ground, Z makes sure my heels are stable as he wipes the snow off my body. Wrapping his arm around my waist Z kisses my forehead before we walk away slowly.
Turning only once, I see Thomas' gravestone and his blanket, and though I feel sadness making me cry again, I feel a little peace as well.
"I finally warmed my baby boy, Z."
"I know you did. And I know he feels it," Z sighs kissing my lips softly.
➰➰➰➰➰
Entering our apartment hours later, I'm exhausted. Z and I didn't speak much on the plane, but we really didn't have to. We know where I'm at, and we know where I want to be.
And I'm going to get there.
"I'm going to shower and go to sleep, okay?"
"You haven’t eaten," Z pushes.
"I'm not hungry. I'm sad and tired, and I want to sleep away these goodbyes, so I can start again tomorrow."
"Okay," he smiles and I know he's scared but willing to let me have my time.
"Thank you for everything. I love you, Z," I kiss his lips softly before walking to our room.
Looking at my face, I see what he's seen for hours, and I suddenly just don't care. My scars are totally visible, and though I'm hideous it seems so insignificant now I actually don't care.
I mean I'll still cover them up as best as I can, but if Z can still hold me and love me and not even notice them, then I’ll try not to notice them as much either.
These scars are me, and they have made me the person Z loves. The ones on my body and inside my soul are the scars that brought me to this place finally. So I'm done hiding now.
And I'm finally ready for life.
LIVE
CHAPTER 26
Walking up to Z in the living room I'm scared shitless and excited but yeah, totally scared shitless. He's not going to be though which is comforting.
"Hey, showering at 4:00? You either want me, or you need to wash away something bad. Do you want to talk about it?" He asks putting down his papers and turning to look at me with his sexy intensity that I love.
"It’s one and not the other," I grin.
"Oh?" Under the circumstances I feel like being silly. Jumping over the arm of the couch I almost knock him out getting into his arms as he humphs my sudden weight on his chest.
"I did something 2 months ago I should've told you about, but didn't. Not because I was lying or hiding, but because I didn't want to excite you too soon if it wasn't going to happen soon. But then it did happen soon, and now I have to tell you what I did."
"Okay," he says calmly, pulling away a little to sit more sideways so he can look at me closely. "Spill."
Giggling, I'm all nerves. I'm scared and excited and ready. But I probably should've told him first.
"Ah, I had my IUD removed after we saw Thomas, and, um, I'm pretty sure you knocked me up, Z," I giggle nervously again.
"What?" Z whispers so quietly I laugh. He always looks adorable when he's stunned.
"Well, I assume we had agreed we would have another baby, so I had my Mirena removed because it can take up to 6 months to get pregnant afterward, and I didn't want to tell you right away in case I didn't get pregnant when we started officially trying. But then it didn't take 6 months, it only took like a month and a half I think because I just felt like I was pregnant even though I don't feel bad at all, and I don't even know what feeling pregnant feels like, but I took a test anyway, and wait!"
Struggling to get off him, almost fighting his death grip, I laugh again as I run for our bathroom. I probably should've had it with me when I told him, but I didn't think I'd tell him so soon. Then I just couldn't wait when I saw him sitting there looking all yummy after work. So-
"Oh!" I gasp when he's suddenly standing right behind me in the doorway. "I didn't see you. Here!" I shove the pregnancy test at him before he walks slowly toward me to take it from my hand.
"Maybe it's a false positive, Suzanne. Maybe-"
Shaking my head I burst out laughing when I pull open the 3rd drawer on my side. "Look!" I giggle as he watches me, stepping closer to the drawer to look inside making him suddenly laugh too. Actually, he starts howling at me looking inside the drawer.
"Wow. That's a lot of tests, Suzanne. When, um, how did you have that much pee?" He asks stupidly and just the sight of his reaction and the sound of his laughter makes me laugh even harder.
"I've drank tons of water since yesterday. And really? Like I wouldn't obsess over this?" I giggle again watching him move the tests around, lifting a few to see the double lines, or plus signs, or even the pink line versus the 2 blue lines.
"You're pregnant," he whispers after the laughter fades when I nod. "Holy shit... You're pregnant," he says again sounding a little less happy than I thought, or maybe hoped.
"Are you happy?" I beg suddenly unsure of what I've done.
Jolting beside me again, Z doesn't speak. Taking my hand he leads me to our room and lies down against the headboard to pull me into his side and chest as always. Rubbing my back, he begs quietly, “Just give me a second.”
Staying quiet I'm not going to freak out, and
I'm not going to fear the worst. I did this yesterday after the first test, and then I did this all day and night and even today after every other positive test. I freaked and needed a minute, so he can have one too. I am NOT going to freak out, but he better hurry the hell up because my resolve can only last so long.
"Z..." I whisper as the shaking starts. “I didn't think this was a mistake. I thought you wanted this and I thought I was finally giving something back to you. I thought you’d be happy.”
"Don't, Suzanne. I am so unbelievably happy about this. I'm just surprised, but I'm beyond thrilled. I am so happy you're pregnant- that we're pregnant. I'm just nervous because we hadn't really agreed or talked about it, or decided officially. I'm shocked, baby. That's all. So I need a minute to process, okay?"
"Okay," I smile and relax a little in his arms. He's beyond happy, so I can wait for days if I have to. I can wait until he's ready to talk. I can wait-
"Okay. I've processed," he suddenly barks making me jump from my thoughts. "Holy shit, love. You've made me speechless here," he huffs moving me flat on the bed. Crawling between my legs, Z holds himself up by his elbows staring at my eyes until I grin. "How do you feel?"
"Fine so far. But I'm nervous I'll be like Kayla and I really don't want to be like Kayla," I whine as he shakes his head.
"Okay. But how are you mentally? Are you scared? Freaked out? Losing your shit a little? It's okay to be. We'll deal with it together."
"I'm not actually. Not yet anyway," I say holding his hands holding my face. "Maybe because I did this, or chose it, or set it in motion makes the difference. I don't know, but I feel good about this. Like it’s something I did for you and for us. I wanted to do this, and now that I have I don't feel freaked out. Much," I giggle as he smiles down at me. "I didn't even lose my shit when the first test was positive. Oh, actually I did a little which explains running back to the pharmacy and buying 20 other tests. I actually bought 20 and left only 2 on the shelves for everyone else. But I really wanted to make sure before I told you. So now I'm sure."
Smiling down at me, Z leans in for a kiss. Gentle at first, then harder by the seconds, and before I even know what's happening we're breathing heavily and reaching for clothes.
"I need you naked, Suzanne. Now," he growls as I tear at my own clothes to get them off.
Leaning up, Z strips off his shirt quickly while I pull my cami overhead. Watching him unzip and lower his pants as his legs thrash to get them off, I actually moan a little as I lift my own butt to pull down my yoga pants.
"Suzanne..." He whispers and I can't stop the emotion that surfaces. He looks so happy, though still kind of stunned making me realize I want this so badly with him. "A baby," he breathes against my lips as tears fill my eyes. "I don't know what to do," he says sounding confused and I suddenly mirror his confused expression.
"About what?"
"Is sex okay this soon? Should we wait to make sure everything's okay?"
"God, no," I groan as I rub my body suggestively against him.
Leaning back away from me while looking down at my face, Z seems totally conflicted. "No, I think we should wait. I don't know if penetration is okay when it's still so new and I don't want to hurt it."
"We're fine, Z. Everyone has sex when they're pregnant."
"Yes, but this early?"
"I think so," I groan frustrated. Shit, I really don't know. I haven't read the books yet, or asked Kayla, or, huh… I really don't know anything about being newly pregnant yet.
"Let’s wait okay? Just a little bit to make sure everything is okay. We'll set up an appointment first thing tomorrow to make sure your medication is okay when pregnant, and to get the go ahead before we have sex again. I, I'm not comfortable with this yet until I know if it’s okay for you."
"But-"
"Please, love. I need to be sure, and then we can. I'm nervous about this so soon," he practically begs and I understand where he's coming from. After what happened to Thomas, I'm sure he'll be anxious about many things. "Let me please you without penetration. I need to feel you, but I don't want to risk anything until we know for sure," Z says so painfully, my sexual need instantly vanishes to be replaced with the need to comfort him.
"Come here." Tugging at his arms he falls on my chest and side. "Let’s just lie here like this for now. I didn't need to have sex, but you got me naked which always makes me want sex with you," I grin as he nods against my chest.
"I'm sorry," he says with his smile-voice.
"Wanna have dinner in bed?"
"Very much so. I just can't believe- I'm so happy Suzanne. Honestly," he says kissing the side of my breast, while putting his warm hand across my lower belly flub.
CHAPTER 27
"We can't tell anyone for the first 3 months, Z. And you look way too friggin happy all the time. So cut the smiley shit, okay?" I ask laughing at his goofy grin. "Seriously. Kayla's baby is due in a month, and soon after that I should be out of the danger zone, and then we can tell people. So let’s just let her have this time okay?"
"I've said okay a hundred times, Suzanne. I've told no one and I won't." But then the stupid grin of his reappears as I laugh at him.
"You're hopeless."
Walking to the kitchen and our Easter dinner, which somehow again is my job, I check on all the food. Not that I mind, but seriously, can't a Kayla cook? Just once? If Z hadn't insisted on taking me out for my birthday dinner, I swear everyone would’ve assumed I was throwing my own dinner, which I would've actually. Thankfully though we ended up at Marty's restaurant and I could relax and enjoy myself.
"Z!"
"What?" He asks smirking at me in the doorway.
"I think we conceived on my birthday. Remember that night when we-"
"Oh, I remember," he wiggles his eyebrows and I almost jump him in our kitchen. I want him so badly, but other than a little touching he won't have sex with me. He's offered to pleasure me, but it's not the same thing. I don't want to get off alone, I want to be with him. "Don't look at me like that, Suzanne," he moans as I do.
"But I miss you. And I want you, Z. Badly. I'm like super horny and I want to have sex. Please?" I whine completely aware of the irony of me begging for sex.
"Super horny?" He laughs as I nod. "Soon, love. Just a few more weeks, okay?"
"But we've been given the clear."
"No, we weren't. We were told it should be fine. Should be. But I'm not willing to risk should be with you. I can't, Suzanne," he says no longer teasing and I sober instantly to his mood.
I know he's scared to death I'll lose this baby somehow. I know it though he hasn't come right out and said it, but it's always there between us. I know he's asked the doctor if it’s normal for me to have next to no nausea, and I know he fears all the time I'm doing so well because somehow the baby died inside me. I also know I get extra exams because Z begged our OBGYN to watch me very carefully.
I know Z's very excited, but very nervous and almost cautious of his excitement as well. He won't discuss the nursery yet, and he hasn't taken me shopping for any baby things yet. He's scared to death, and I need to be strong for him this time.
"I'm sorry," I whisper before he pulls me in for a tight hug.
"Never be sorry for being super horny for me, Suzanne," he pinches my butt as I giggle. "I'm just not ready yet. But when I am, watch out, love. I'm going to love you until you beg me to stop."
"Okay."
➰➰➰➰➰
Watching Kayla eat her way through 2 dinners, I'm stunned she's not running for the bathroom yet because her pregnancy is the stuff horror stories are made of. She has intense continuous morning sickness, gestational diabetes, she’s the size of a house, and she's so swollen everywhere she needs to lie down for hours a day to alleviate some of the swelling. But she's still so happy, it's amazing to watch her.
She and Mack tease endlessly, and they seem to have such a handle on all the medical stuff she's dealing with they just do their thing with each other unt
il the baby is born I think.
“Oh, we found out what it is by mistake,” Kayla grins between bites as we all silence. “I was snooping at my records and found out, so Mack wanted to know, and now we both know. Wanna know?” Kayla asks as both Kayla and I scream yes together. Honestly, for two opposite women, Kayla and I speak way too similar sometimes which makes Z laugh and cringe at us.
"Drum roll, please," she teases and Mack and Marty drum on my table immediately. "Well, you two bitches are going to be Aunts to a little baby... boy," she smiles as I gasp clapping my hands together.
"A boy? Well, that sucks," Kayla growls as we all pause stunned to look at her. "What? I wanted you to name your baby after me and now you can't," she pouts as Mack actually bursts out laughing, thank god.
"Kayla? Really? We never know who the hell we're all talking about now with 2 Kaylas. As if we'd throw in a third one," Mack laughs.
"Doesn't matter anyway, it's a boy," Kayla still pouts until I shake my head.
"I can't wait. Do you have a name?"
"Nope. We're fighting over names. Mack likes all generic, boring names, and I like funkier sounding names to make him special. I mean really, Matthew? How boring. Plus, Mack, Marty, Marvin," she laughs at Z's dirty look, "and Matthew? Too many M men around here I think."
"I agree. At least you have a month to decide," I squeeze her hand tightly.
"Ah, I think I'm going... Yup. Shit," she gags moving to the bathroom with Mack following holding her arm and back as she waddles away.
"Remind me never to get pregnant. You'd have to be a fucking idiot to put yourself through all that just for a kid," Kayla scowls and I almost start laughing. I mean it’s right there and if I make eye contact with Z I'll start for sure, so naturally I turn my head and rise for the kitchen for coffee and dessert.