Josie and Jillian had wandered over to the craft booths while Zach and Jeff sat in the beer garden trying out several flavors. Zach was currently enjoying a Köstritzer, which was dark and flavorful, while Jeff had a Santa Fe Oktoberfest.
Zach took a swallow, loving the crispness of the black beer. “Man, this is good. How’s yours?”
“Smooth,” Jeff said. “I always said if I didn’t become a doctor, I was going to brew beer. I still might do that whenever I buy a house.”
“You can’t live in that apartment forever, dude. You should do the house thing sooner rather than later.”
Jeff nodded. “Yeah, I should. I’ve been kind of busy with getting the clinic set up. Plus, I figured I’d get married eventually, and the buying-the-house thing would be something I’d do with a wife.”
“Maybe no one wants you. You should just buy the house now.”
Jeff laughed. “Maybe. I’m not getting any younger.”
“What are we talking about?” Jillian asked as she and Josie came over to sit with them.
“Buying a house.”
“Oh, you’re buying a house?” Josie asked.
“No,” Jeff said. “Well, maybe. Zach and I were just talking about beer, and I was saying how I always wanted to brew my own. Which I can’t do in my apartment, and the topic got onto me buying a house.”
“You should buy a house,” Jillian said. “It’s a good investment.”
Jeff shrugged. “Yeah, I know. I’ve been meaning to get around to that. But it’s such a hassle.”
Jillian leaned into him. “It’s not a hassle. It’s fun.”
“Okay, fine. You go with me and help me pick out a house.”
Jillian’s eyes widened. “Me? You want me to help you pick out your house?”
Jeff’s look at Jillian was direct. “Yes. I’d like you to help me pick out my house. The way things are going with us, Jill, chances are you’re going to live there, too. Don’t you agree?”
“Whoa,” Josie whispered, then glanced over at Zach with a wide-eyed look. He gave her the same “I Had No Idea Things Were So Serious” look in return.
“Uh, yes,” Jillian said, grasping Jeff’s arm and giving him a warm smile. “I do agree. And I’d love to.”
Jeff had this panicked expression on his face. “I mean, it’s not an official proposal yet, because I hope I’m a little more romantic than that. Uh, shit. Let’s go take a walk.”
Jillian laughed. “Sure.”
“We’ll be back soon,” Jeff said.
They got up and walked away together.
Zach took a long swallow of his beer. “That was interesting.”
“Very. Don’t you think they’re rushing things?”
He looked at her. “Rushing things? How?”
“You know they haven’t been dating long, and suddenly they’re talking about getting a house together? I worry about Jillian getting hurt.”
Zach laughed. “Are you serious? He practically proposed to her in front of us. How could that be hurting her?”
“Come on. He blurted without thinking. Blurting isn’t the same as proposing. And now he probably feels embarrassed and obligated, and he’ll try to find a way to walk it back without hurting her feelings.”
He couldn’t believe these were the thoughts going through Josie’s head right now, when his take on what he’d seen between Jeff and Jillian was totally different. “Or, maybe he’s in love with her and what he wanted to say to her was really intimate, and he felt kind of bad about blurting that out in front of you and me.”
She sniffed. “Doubtful.”
He leaned back in the chair and took a long swallow of his beer, realizing that maybe he didn’t know Josie as well as he thought he did. “Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s too soon. Because it takes a long time to get to know someone, to figure out if you can trust them with your heart. Until then, it’s all just words.”
He was trying hard not to be offended by what she was saying, but it was damn hard. “And do you have a specific timeline in mind?”
“No.”
“Which begs the question, when you fall in love with someone, don’t you just know? Wouldn’t you be able to feel it, and a calendar shouldn’t matter to you?”
She shook her head. “No. It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me what it is like.”
She stared at him. “You’re angry.”
He leaned forward and took her hands in his. “I’m not. I’m just trying to understand where your head is about love.”
“My head is screwed on perfectly straight. I had a relationship before, Zach. I know what I’m talking about.”
“Were you in love with him?”
She opened her mouth to answer right away, then closed it and waited a few seconds before responding. “I thought I was. And it was right away, like Jillian is feeling. I was wrong. He wasn’t a good guy.”
“So one bad guy breaks your heart, and now you paint us all with the same brush?”
She shook her head and looked down where their hands were connected. “You’re misunderstanding me.”
He squeezed her hand, forcing her gaze to meet his. “Then help me to understand what you’re feeling.”
“I don’t want Jillian to—”
He cut her off. “Not about Jillian. You know that’s not what I’m talking about. About us. Talk to me about how you feel about us, Josie.”
Her expression went cloudy, showing doubt and none of what he’d really wanted to see when she thought about the two of them. The things he thought when he thought about them, which were clarity, joy. Love. He wanted to know she was in this with him. He’d thought she was.
He might have been wrong.
“I don’t know how I feel, Zach. I’m confused and afraid, and I’m not ready for all of this. I just wanted to have some fun with you, you know? Why does it have to get so complicated with talks about love? Why can’t we just continue having fun?”
“We can. We can have fun. We’ve been having fun. But I can’t deny how my heart feels. And mine is telling me I’m in love with you, Josie.”
She jerked her hands from his, stood, and frowned at him. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t … tell me you love me.”
He stood and reached out for her, smoothing his hands down her arms. “I have to be honest with you and tell you how I feel.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know how you feel, Zach. We’ve only known each other for a few months.”
“It’s long enough.” He tried to pull her against him, but she took a few steps back.
“No. It’s not long enough.” She started pacing. “Love is complicated and dangerous and can hurt you.”
She stopped and faced him. “I could hurt you.”
Yeah, he felt that hurt right now in the pit of his stomach. “Okay, so you don’t feel the same way.”
She turned away and started pacing a five-foot area in front of him again. “It’s not that. It’s … I don’t want to feel this—” She stopped and circled her chest and stomach. “All of what I’m feeling inside.”
It was time to slow things down, to sit with Josie and let her explore how she was feeling. He knew where some of her fear was coming from, and he wanted to give her a safe place to talk it out. And he desperately wanted that safe place to be him.
“So tell me what you’re feeling inside.”
“I’m not explaining myself well, and I never have a problem explaining myself. See? This is what love does to a person. It fills you with confusing emotions and makes you feel raw and exposed and vulnerable and sick to your stomach.”
He grimaced. “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds disgusting.”
She sighed, came over to him, and laid her hand on his arm. “I appreciate the declaration, Zach, but the bottom line is, I just don’t believe in love.”
He didn’t buy it. Josie was the most genuine, heartfelt, em
otional woman he’d ever known. She was warm and caring, and she had feelings that she loved expressing with the people she cared about.
And right now, she was scared to death of putting her heart into this. Into them.
So he had two choices. He could get pissed off and walk away, permanently, or he could back off and give her some space and see if she could come to the—hopefully—right conclusion about the two of them on her own. Because he couldn’t force her to love him. She either would or wouldn’t.
“Okay. Let me take you home.”
She frowned. “Wait. What? So we’re done?”
“I’m in love with you, Josie. I want you to love me back, but I can see you’re not ready for that. I don’t think taking tonight to slam back a bunch of beers and bratwurst is the next step for us, do you?”
He caught the confused frown on her face, and he resisted smiling in reaction.
“I … guess not.”
Yeah, she thought she could get him to back down from the love thing, and then they could go back to the fun-and-games thing.
But he was dead serious about loving her. And he wanted her to love him in return. He figured she needed some time, and he hoped she could figure out how she felt, but in the meantime, some space was needed.
“I’ll text Jeff and let him know we’re taking off,” he said, whipping out his phone to send the message. “I don’t want to interrupt whatever romantic thing he and Jillian have going on.”
“Oh, sure, that’s fine.”
He saw her hesitation as he motioned her through the beer tent and toward the parking area.
Nothing would make him happier than for Josie to change her mind and tell him what he wanted to hear right now.
But he knew Josie. He also knew how she felt. She might not know it yet, but he did.
He was willing to wait.
She didn’t say anything on the ride home. He didn’t expect her to. He knew she was in her own head, deep in thought.
When he pulled into her driveway, he got out and walked her to her front door.
“You didn’t have to walk me to the door,” she said.
“Yeah, I did, because I need you to remember something.”
She tilted her head back to look at him. “What?”
He cupped the side of her neck and rubbed his thumb over her jawline. “This.”
He kissed her, pouring his heart into the kiss. She resisted at first, her body tense. But she didn’t pull away, and as he drew her against him, she melted into him, resting her hands on his chest. He opened her mouth and slid his tongue inside, letting her feel all the passion, all the emotion that he’d held in check during their conversation.
He hadn’t wanted to overwhelm her earlier. Now, he wanted her overwhelmed, wanted her senses to go haywire with this kiss. He wanted this kiss to be the only thing she could think about when she thought about him. He wanted her to remember that no one else would kiss her like this—and no other man would love her as much as he did.
When he pulled back, her eyes were glazed with passion.
He smiled down at her and brushed his lips one last time across hers.
“For me, the sun rises and sets with you, Josephine Barnes. You’re it for me, and you’re the person I want to plan my future with. I know it might seem fast to you, but when you know it in your heart, then there’s no sense in waiting for some magical sign or official waiting period.
“Also? I’m not your ex-boyfriend, and there’s no one else in my life but you. So when you’re doing all your thinking? Think about me as just me, and no one else but me, okay?”
She sighed. “Okay.”
“I’m here when you need me, Josie. And when you’re ready to talk, you let me know.”
She licked her lips and gave him a quick nod. “Good night, Zach.”
“Night.”
He walked away and got into his car, then drove off, noticing that she hung outside on her porch watching him.
He’d thought walking away from Josie was going to be easy. But it took everything in him to turn that corner and not pull a U-turn and go back to her.
Staying away from her was going to be even harder. And he really hoped this wasn’t going to be permanent, because as much as he hoped she’d realize she loved him, it could be just as likely that she was too afraid to love him, and she’d tell him she was ending their relationship.
He didn’t even want to think about that. So all he could do was hope.
Chapter 31
* * *
“SO … WAIT. HE told you he loved you, and then he dumped you?”
Josie sat in a booth at their favorite Italian restaurant with Jillian. It had been a week since Zach had left her at her front door, her lips—her entire body, actually—still throbbing from his kiss.
She had spent every day since then thinking about him, missing him, and so damn mad at him she couldn’t see straight.
Unfortunately, Jillian had been gone all week at a conference, and Josie didn’t want to interrupt her with boyfriend issues, so she waited until Jill had gotten back to town. But now they sat together at Johnny Carino’s restaurant in Tulsa, both sipping a glass of merlot and dipping delicious Italian bread into olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
“Yes, he dropped the love ultimatum on me and then promptly left me on my front doorstep.”
“Huh.” Jillian chose another slice of bread and swirled it around in the olive oil mix. “Surely there was more conversation involved than ‘I love you’ and ‘Good-bye.’”
“Well, yes. Actually, you were kind of the catalyst for the entire thing.”
Jillian’s eyes widened. “I was? How?”
“You know how Jeff mentioned buying a house when we were at Oktoberfest, then said something to the effect that you might be living in it someday?”
Jillian’s lips curved in a warm smile. “I definitely remember that conversation. But what does it have to do with you and Zach?”
“I expressed my concern for you, and Zach jumped all over me. Basically, he said I was being ridiculous.”
“Why would you be concerned about me?”
“Because you and Jeff haven’t known each other for long, and suddenly he’s talking about forever and love and buying a house together.”
Jillian gave her a sweet smile. “Yes, he is. Why is that a problem for you?”
Why was it that no one seemed to understand her worries? “You’re my friend, and I’m concerned you’re not ready for this.”
“Ready for what? Being in love? Or is there an issue with Jeff?”
“No. Jeff seems very nice.” At least right now he did.
“Then I don’t understand what the problem is, Josie. What’s your hesitation with Jeff and me?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid you’ll be blindsided like I was. That you’ll put all your trust in him and he’ll hurt you.”
“Oh, honey.” Jillian reached across the table and touched Josie’s hand. “Not every guy is like your ex-boyfriend. Jeff is kind. And more important, he’s honest. We’ve had a couple of very serious discussions about what we both want for our futures. Neither one of us is willing to settle for less than our visions. It just so happens our visions mostly line up.”
“Mostly?” She’d hate to think that Jillian would have to compromise on anything.
Jillian’s lips tipped up. “Yes. I want a craftsman home, and he’s dead set on midcentury modern. We’re still deep in negotiation.”
Josie smiled, relieved their arguments related to architecture. “I see.”
“Do you? I am in love with him, Josie. And we’re moving forward, planning a future together. Is it going to be perfect? Probably not. But I trust him and he trusts me, and we trust each other to make it work.”
“Okay.” She thought for a few seconds, then asked, “But he hasn’t proposed yet?”
“No,” Jillian said with a laugh. “He felt kind of bad blurting out the house thing in front of you and Zach. He to
ld me he plans to do it the right way. But he made it clear it was in the future. In the near future, because he told me he loved me. And I told him I loved him, too. We both want to start our lives together. It just felt right between us from the beginning. We’ve talked every day and spent so much time getting to know each other. I’ve never fallen so fast before. I knew from the very beginning that Jeff was the one for me, Josie. Please be happy for me. And please trust that I know when someone is good for me. Jeff is good for me.”
Tears pricked Josie’s eyes as she saw the sincerity in her best friend’s face. She squeezed Jillian’s hand. “Of course I’m happy for you. That’s all I want for you.”
“Thanks. Now we need to get you to the happy place.”
Josie pulled her hand back. “I don’t think I can get there.”
Jillian took a sip of her wine, then asked, “You sure about that?”
“Yes. I think I’ve ruined things between Zach and me.”
“Oh, I don’t know. It seems to me that he left the door wide open. All you have to do is decide to walk through it.”
She stared at her wineglass, wishing it held all the answers. Unfortunately, it didn’t, so she lifted her gaze to Jillian. “I’m afraid.”
“Of course you are. So am I. There aren’t any guarantees when you love someone. Do you love him?”
“Yes.” She realized she hadn’t even hesitated. So what was stopping her from taking that step, from telling Zach how she felt?
“Okay, so now what?” Jillian asked.
“I … don’t know. My life’s kind of a mess right now, Jill. My mom and my own trust issues. What if he doesn’t want to take that on? What if he realizes it’s just too much and he bails?”
Jillian cocked her head to the side. “He already knows about your mom, right?”
“Yes.”
“And I think, based on the conversation you had with him, that you’ve made your trust issues abundantly clear to him.”
Josie flattened her gaze at her friend. “Well, thanks.”
“Hey, I’m nothing but honest with you, girlfriend. You know that.”