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My gaze returned to Ruby and Pip. Pip glanced up, and for a moment her face changed, her eyes meeting mine, her lips twisting to one side in an almost smile. She came toward us, holding my gaze for the first time since we’d arrived. “We found some black willow bark,” she said. She pulled the brown flakes from the sack, then looked from me to Helene. “I heard your leg was hurting you last night. This might help. ”
Sarah set the pot of water onto the beach, her brows knitted together, as if not quite certain it was Pip who was speaking. She’d ignored most of the girls since our fight. “You eat it?” Sarah asked.
Ruby pointed to the pot of water. “You boil it, then drink the tea. Pip has been reading a book we found in the dugout about natural remedies. Black willow bark helps with pain. ” Ruby offered Helene her arm, trying to ease her onto her feet. “Why don’t you two come with me. We can make it now, then you’ll have plenty for tonight. We can even make some for your trip. ” She took one of the pots from Sarah, and they started up the beach. Ruby glanced back, nodding to me before she left.
Pip settled down on the beach. She dug her feet into the sand, her toes just grazing the lake’s edge. “She thinks I should talk to you. ” She stared straight ahead as she said it, looking out over the lake.
So she was sitting here because Ruby told her to? Now that she’d done it, begrudgingly, she couldn’t even look at me. How long was I supposed to wait here in this desperate, pleading place of apology, hoping she’d forgive me? “And what do you think?” I asked.
Pip brushed a few tangled curls away from her face. In the daylight I could see her freckles had faded, the gray circles under her eyes making her look perpetually tired. “I think she’s right,” she said. “I think there are still things left to say. ”
I dug my fingers into the sand, satisfied when I had a good handful—something, anything to hold on to. “I would change everything if I could,” I said. “You have to know that. ”
“I know. ” Pip picked up a worn twig from the shore, rubbing it between her fingers before finally turning to me. “But so much of that time in that building I spent thinking about you, worrying about where you were. I thought they might’ve taken you somewhere else. But when I saw you across the lake, in that dress, it was so obvious you’d been living in the City that whole time. I hated you for not being there with me. And it’s too late now. I’m living a life I don’t want. I never chose this. ” She looked down at her stomach, the T-shirt that tightened around her midsection. Then she lowered her head, pressing her fingers into her eyes.
“There is no choice anymore. I didn’t want to be my father’s daughter. I was in the City when the siege happened—I saw my friends hanged. I saw someone I loved shot and killed by soldiers. I didn’t want any of it. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given,” I said, repeating Charles’s words. The Palace, that suite—it felt far away now, a memory from a time before. “And maybe some people’s best isn’t enough. Maybe I didn’t do enough. ”
“Someone you loved?” Pip asked. “Is that the one Arden told us about? Caleb?”
“He was killed,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I should go on, but it somehow felt wrong that Clara and Beatrice knew something Pip didn’t. Even now, even after so much time apart. “I’m pregnant. Nearly four months. I haven’t told the other girls. ”
Pip studied me. “Why would you do that?” she asked. “Why would you want this?”
“There’s no way to prevent it inside the City,” I said. “And with everything the Teachers said, there was no way to know what was the truth. I didn’t know all the consequences, but I can’t regret what we did. I loved him. ”
Pip shook her head. “Both of us,” she said, her eyes misting over. “It just feels like everything is ending, like a part of me has died. Remember last year at this time? Remember all the things we talked about? I kept imagining the apartment we’d have in the City. I thought it would be so incredible to learn a trade, to live beyond the compound walls. ”
“We have time still. ” I let the sand fall through my fingers, then took her hand in my own. She didn’t pull away. “You have to come with us to Califia. It’ll be safer for you there, for both of us. You could stay there indefinitely. ” She was already shaking her head. “What are you going to do here, with just you and Ruby? You can’t stay here forever—eventually the supplies will run out. ”
Pip squeezed my hand hard. “I just can’t go right now,” she said. “It doesn’t feel right. I’m barely able to manage here—how am I going to be on the road for a week?”
“If we take the horses it’ll only be a few days. You wouldn’t have to walk,” I said.
Pip slipped her hand from under mine, instead resting it on her stomach. “What if something happens on the way to Califia? I’d just rather stay here. I don’t care what the risk is. It’s too late to leave now—it’s been nearly six months. ”
I heard the sound of shifting rocks behind me. Beatrice started down the beach, hugging a sack of clothes. She dropped them on the ground behind Clara and rolled her pants up. She watched us as she waded in, carefully studying Pip, who was still wiping at her eyes. “How many horses are there left?” I asked.
“Maybe six or seven,” Pip said. “They took at least half of them. The others who came through had supplies, too. Someone had stolen one of the government Jeeps. ”
“Four days,” I tried again. “That’s all. Can you try?”
“I don’t have the energy, I don’t. ” Her chin shook a little, the way it always did when she was trying not to cry. “If you have to go, I’ll understand. ”
I looked out on the lake, on its still, glassy surface. We’d be safer in Califia. The girls could begin settling in, permanently, making homes for themselves among the rest of the escapees. But how could we leave Ruby and Pip here? As much as I didn’t want to accept it, I knew it was more dangerous for her to travel than it was for me. It was likely she was carrying more than one child, like most of the girls from the compound. Since we’d arrived she’d always seemed exhausted, retreating to her room before dinner to sleep for hours, sometimes not waking until after the sun had gone down. “I won’t leave you again,” I said.
“But I can’t, Eve. ”
“I know you can’t go,” I said. “Then I won’t either. ” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. She pressed her face into my neck, and in an instant we returned to the comfortable silence between us. At School we’d always been good at sharing space with quiet understanding, being alone together without saying a word.
It was a long while before Clara’s voice called out from the beach. “We’re all finished,” she said, setting the last of the shirts down on the rocks. She came toward us, her expression softening. I could tell she was relieved to see us talking. “I was planning on training the girls this afternoon, assuming the horses are ready?” She looked to Pip.
“They should be,” she said. “Ruby feeds them every morning. She can take you to the stable—it’s about a quarter mile from here. ”