Chapter XXXVII
VINCIUS to LYGIA:
"The slave Phlegon, by whom I send this letter, is a Christian; hence hewill be one of those to receive freedom from thy hands, my dearest.He is an old servant of our house; so I can write to thee with fullconfidence, and without fear that the letter will fall into other handsthan thine. I write from Laurentum, where we have halted because ofheat. Otho owned here a lordly villa, which on a time he presentedto Poppaea; and she, though divorced from him, saw fit to retain themagnificent present. When I think of the women who surround me now andof thee, it seems to me that from the stones hurled by Deucalion theremust have risen people of various kinds, altogether unlike one another,and that thou art of those born of crystal.
"I admire and love thee from my whole soul, and wish to speak only ofthee; hence I am forced to constrain myself to write of our journey, ofthat which happens to me, and of news of the court. Well, Caesar was theguest of Poppaea, who prepared for him secretly a magnificent reception.She invited only a few of his favorites, but Petronius and I were amongthem. After dinner we sailed in golden boats over the sea, which was ascalm as if it had been sleeping, and as blue as thy eyes, O divine one.We ourselves rowed, for evidently it flattered the Augusta that men ofconsular dignity, or their sons, were rowing for her. Caesar, sitting atthe rudder in a purple toga, sang a hymn in honor of the sea; this hymnhe had composed the night before, and with Diodorus had arranged musicto it. In other boats he was accompanied by slaves from India who knewhow to play on sea-shells while round about appeared numerous dolphins,as if really enticed from Amphitrite's depths by music. Dost thou knowwhat I was doing? I was thinking of thee, and yearning. I wanted togather in that sea, that calm, and that music, and give the whole tothee.
"Dost thou wish that we should live in some place at the seashore farfrom Rome, my Augusta? I have land in Sicily, on which there is analmond forest which has rose-colored blossoms in spring, and this forestgoes down so near the sea that the tips of the branches almost touch thewater. There I will love thee and magnify Paul's teaching, for Iknow now that it will not be opposed to love and happiness. Dostthou wish?--But before I hear thy answer I will write further of whathappened on the boat.
"Soon the shore was far behind. We saw a sail before us in thedistance, and all at once a dispute rose as to whether it was a commonfishing-boat or a great ship from Ostia. I was the first to discoverwhat it was, and then the Augusta said that for my eyes evidentlynothing was hidden, and, dropping the veil over her face on a sudden,she inquired if I could recognize her thus. Petronius answeredimmediately that it was not possible to see even the sun behind a cloud;but she said, as if in jest, that love alone could blind such a piercingglance as mine, and, naming various women of the court, she fell toinquiring and guessing which one I loved. I answered calmly, but at lastshe mentioned thy name. Speaking of thee, she uncovered her face again,and looked at me with evil and inquiring eyes.
"I feel real gratitude to Petronius, who turned the boat at that moment,through which general attention was taken from me; for had I heardhostile or sneering words touching thee, I should not have been able tohide my anger, and should have had to struggle with the wish to breakthe head of that wicked, malicious woman with my oar. Thou rememberestthe incident at the pond of Agrippa about which I told thee at the houseof Linus on the eve of my departure. Petronius is alarmed on my account,and to-day again he implored me not to offend the Augusta's vanity. ButPetronius does not understand me, and does not realize that, apart fromthee, I know no pleasure or beauty or love, and that for Poppaea Ifeel only disgust and contempt. Thou hast changed my soul greatly,--sogreatly that I should not wish now to return to my former life. But haveno fear that harm may reach me here. Poppaea does not love me, for shecannot love any one, and her desires arise only from anger at Caesar, whois under her influence yet, and who is even capable of loving heryet; still, he does not spare her, and does not hide from her histransgressions and shamelessness.
"I will tell thee, besides, something which should pacify thee. Petertold me in parting not to fear Caesar, since a hair would not fall frommy head; and I believe him. Some voice in my soul says that every wordof his must be accomplished; that since he blessed our love, neitherCaesar, nor all the powers of Hades, nor predestination itself, couldtake thee from me, O Lygia. When I think of this I am as happy as if Iwere in heaven, which alone is calm and happy. But what I say of heavenand predestination may offend thee, a Christian. Christ has not washedme yet, but my heart is like an empty chalice, which Paul of Tarsus isto fill with the sweet doctrine professed by thee,--the sweeter for methat it is thine. Thou, divine one, count even this as a merit to methat I have emptied it of the liquid with which I had filled it before,and that I do not withdraw it, but hold it forth as a thirsty manstanding at a pure spring. Let me find favor in thy eyes.
"In Antium my days and nights will pass in listening to Paul, whoacquired such influence among my people on the first day that theysurround him continually, seeing in him not only a wonder-worker, buta being almost supernatural. Yesterday I saw gladness on his face, andwhen I asked what he was doing, he answered, 'I am sowing!' Petroniusknows that he is among my people, and wishes to see him, as does Senecaalso, who heard of him from Gallo.
"But the stars are growing pale, O Lygia, and 'Lucifer' of the morningis bright with growing force. Soon the dawn will make the sea ruddy; allis sleeping round about, but I am thinking of thee and loving thee. Begreeted together with the morning dawn, sponsa mea!"