“You seem flustered, wizard,” the dragon said, leaning close and breathing me in. “You getting turned-on?”
I really, really wasn’t. “You said you wanted to fuck me after you wined and dined me!”
“Is that what you want, pretty?” the dragon asked. “I’m a dragon, and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.”
So, that happened. “Um. That might have been too much.”
“Or was it not enough?”
“No. Definitely too much.” I started to back away slowly. But for every step I took, the dragon took an answering step and I was always stuck in his shadow.
“Are you adventurous, pretty?” the dragon asked. “And I mean sexually.”
“No,” I said honestly. “I think I might like rimming, but I’ve never done it. And also? I don’t know if you’re sexually adventurous. I think you meant to say sexually aggressive. There’s a difference.”
“Is that right? I wouldn’t know.”
“Ugh. That was kind of rapey.”
The dragon’s eyes narrowed. “I have never raped anything in my life,” he said, sounding offended. “Everyone wants a piece of this.”
“Because of the size of your… hand.”
And then, just because my day apparently could use a bit more weird, the dragon actually smiled. It looked like he had thousands of teeth. “It’s a big hand,” he agreed, taking another step.
“You took something from the King,” I said.
“Did I?” the dragon growled. “And what might that be?”
“You know.”
“Say it.”
“The Prince.”
“Ah,” the dragon said. “I’m sorry, but your prince is in another castle.”
“What?” I was confused. What other castle?
It sighed. “You young people today. Never respecting the classics.”
“Is he alive?” I asked, refusing to let the dragon distract me any further.
“Maybe I ate him,” the dragon said.
That stopped me. “You wouldn’t.”
“How do you know? Expert on dragons, are you?”
“Hey! I can talk to you, can’t I? How many other people can do that?”
“True,” it said. “But I haven’t yet decided if that’s a revelation or an annoyance. It could go either way.” It snapped its jaws at me again. I would have rolled my eyes, but I was too busy taking a step back in absolute terror. I was pretty sure it was justified. Big teeth are scary teeth.
“You said you let other people go who are tied up here,” I said.
“Right. Well. Grr. Rawr. I’m a ferocious beast and all that. And speaking of, why are people always tied up here?”
“Seriously?”
It cocked its head at me and waited.
“Oh man,” I said. “You’re going to be insufferable when you find out.”
“Find out what?”
“So, you know that village outside the valley?”
“Yes,” it said. “I chase their sheep sometimes.”
“To eat them?”
The dragon grimaced. “No, not to eat them. I just like the little noises they make when they run screaming from me. You sound just like them.”
“I do not sound like frightened sheep!”
He jerked his head at me and I might have shrieked. Slightly.
The dragon chuckled. “Pretty little sheep wizard.”
“You’re a dick,” I muttered.
“This has been said before. The village?”
I groaned. “They might have built a cult and made you their central deity and the people tied up out here are sacrifices made to you because they think you’re a god or something. No big deal. One time, someone bought me a sandwich because I’m an apprentice to the King’s Wizard. Same thing.”
I didn’t know much about dragons. But I will say that I never gave much thought to a dragon being able to look smug. But now I did because the fucker preened. “Is that right?” it said. “A god, you say? Sacrifices, you say? Well now. This certainly changes many, many things.”
“We need to go back,” I said. “The people there are awful and they eat too many corn-based foods. We have to stop them. They have my friends and—”
“Nope,” the dragon said. “Not yet. There’s something you have to do for me. As a god, I command you.”
“Um. Go fuck yourself.”
“Maybe later, pretty. I’d like to see what that mouth of yours can do, even if you are a wizard.”
“You son of a—”
And before I could move, before I could even formulate a plan to defend myself against a creature that towered above me and blocked out the sun, I was in its claws, and those great wings rose up and down. The wind roared around me. And then we were up, up, up, and I screamed, “You fucking asshole!”
The dragon just grunted.
The ground fell away below me and I learned rather quickly that my body was not okay with heights. And flying. And that I had an extraordinary fear of falling from high places and so I might or might not have upchucked copious amounts of corn as we passed through a cloud.
“That’s disgusting,” the dragon said, turning its head to look back at me. I wanted to irrationally point out that I would rather it pay attention to where it was flying to and not stare at me. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t vomit on me anymore. I just took a bath.”
“I’d appreciate it if you’d let me go!” I shouted back at it.
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life!”
“Okay,” the dragon said with a shrug.
And then he opened his claws and dropped me.
I decided right then and there that the dragon and I would never be friends.
The wind roared around my ears as I plummeted toward the earth. I told myself that I was a wizard for fuck’s sake, that I could very easily think of a way out of this, but instead of actually thinking of a way out of this, I screamed quite loudly.
They say that moments before your death, life flashes before your eyes.
That’s pretty much bullshit.
Because in those moments before your death, all you can focus on is your impending death. I thought about how much it was going to hurt. I thought about what it would look like when someone stumbled upon me. Would I be recognizable as a human being? Or would I just look like a big puddle of meat and blood and bone? My mom and dad would be sad, and Morgan would be too. Randall would probably be relieved that I couldn’t turn his nose into a cock anymore. Gary and Tiggy would mourn me for life because of the best friend code and would most likely never recover because I was that awesome.
And Ryan. Well. At least Ryan wouldn’t want to bone me anymore. Sucks, that. I really wanted to find out what that felt like. Ryan. And boning.
I opened my eyes to accept my immediate future like a man and saw the dragon falling in front of me, eyes amused as it watched me. Its wings were curled around its body, free falling in tandem with me.
“Having fun?” it shouted at me.
“NO, I’M NOT HAVING FUN!” I bellowed.
“Oh! That’s too bad. I couldn’t tell from all the screaming.”
“YOU FUCKER! SAVE ME!”
“Ask me nicely,” it said, somehow able to look bored.
I almost said I would rather die, but that would have been a lie and the ground was getting really fucking close. So I put on my big-boy pants and roared, “PLEASE, YOU FUCKING DICKBAG TOAST WHORE!”
“I don’t even know what that meant,” it said, but then its wings snapped open and those claws shot out and wrapped around my middle. The wings caught an updraft and the descent was slowed immediately, so much so that my back cracked from the force of it. The dragon pumped its wings, and we rose back up toward the sky.
“I’ll be honest,” I told it tiredly. “I believe I’ve shit myself.”
“Gross,” the dragon said. “Learn to live a littl
e, drama queen.”
“You drop me again and I’ll turn you inside out.”
“Oooh, so scary. Will you do that with your tiny little human arms?”
“I work out!”
It waited.
“Well. Okay. Not work out per se. I think about it. Sometimes. My arms aren’t tiny!”
“Too right,” it said. “You’re going to do me a favor.”
“Yeah. About that. No.” I was still trying to figure out if I’d actually shit myself. I hoped not. There’d be more corn.
“Uh-oh,” it said. “My grasp is slipping.”
And his grip around me loosened.
I screamed bloody murder and held on to one of his claws.
“Gods,” it said. “You’re loud for having tiny arms.”
“That doesn’t even… you… are all dragons this fucking annoying?”
The dragon stiffened. Then, “I wouldn’t know. Never really met another one.”
And I really didn’t know what to say to that so I said nothing at all. I closed my eyes and prayed that the flight would soon be over.
And that I hadn’t actually shit myself.
CHAPTER 21
So, This Is Awkward
IT DIDN’T take long before we started to descend again near the base of the Northern Mountains. The dragon had kept silent through the remainder of the flight. I thought about drilling it with as many questions I could think of (because when was I ever going to get the chance to talk to a dragon again?), but I instead spent the majority of the time trying to keep my gorge from rising again.
So it was with immense relief when the ground came into view again. And when I saw a stone structure rising out of the middle of another valley, I knew we’d reached the keep that Dimitri had first spoken of weeks ago.
“Jesus,” I said. “Dimitri was right.”
“Who?” the dragon asked.
“Fairy king,” I said. “Tried to get me to marry him. Don’t ask. It was this whole thing that spiraled out of control. Like the time I was kidnapped by a dragon.”
“I didn’t kidnap you.”
“Um. You took me against my will. That’s, like, the definition of kidnapping, dude.”
“Dude?” the dragon scoffed. “Dude? I’ll never understand why the king of the fairies would want to marry you, dude. Unless you suck cock as good your lips indicate you should.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “You are the absolute worst. For once I’d like to meet a celibate person and/or magical creature so I don’t have to fear for my virginity. This is getting ridiculous.”
“A virgin?” it asked, leering at me as we circled the keep. “Well, now. That certainly is unexpected. I suddenly feel the urge to despoil you completely. You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”
“No one says that,” I said. “Absolutely no one.”
“Six people say it,” he insisted. “I made sure of it.”
“That’s… isn’t that bestiality?”
“We’re all just animals,” he said. “Wild, sexual, writhing animals.”
“Yeah. No.”
“You say that now. Just you wait.”
“Gross.”
He landed in front of the keep. The keep itself was a large stone tower that rose from the center of the valley. It looked ancient, and there was evidence of a larger structure that had once stood around it. Large chunks of stone lay strewn around the tower as if the building had been blown apart or collapsed. I couldn’t tell what its purpose had been, be it church or a small castle, but I didn’t think it mattered.
The keep itself was large, and the entrance at the base was tall enough to accommodate the dragon. It pushed against the massive doors with its nose and they creaked open, scraping against the stone floor, grating against my ears. I gave maybe a second of thought to run screaming in the opposite direction with my hands flailing above my head, but I was able to curb that back and follow the dragon into the keep.
It’d been a church. I was sure of it now. Long gone were any pews or religious icons hanging from the walls, but the raised dais at the end and the size of the bottom floor suggested a congregation had once gathered here.
Now, though, it was a dragon’s nest.
And where it hoarded its treasure.
There was gold, of course. Massive amounts of gold in bricks and coins and nuggets. Shining jewels and goblets and scepters. That was expected.
What was not expected was the books.
Castle Lockes had a library that rivaled any in all of Verania. Scholars from all over the world came to the castle and could spend weeks getting lost in the stacks, finding scrolls and texts that hadn’t been touched in centuries.
This was bigger.
Against a far wall, stacked from floor to vaulted ceiling that I couldn’t even make out in the shadows, were books. More than I’d ever seen in my entire life. From what I could see, most were in good condition, though some looked to be in tatters or were burned.
“I thought dragons only hoarded beautiful things,” I said. “Objects that shine and glisten.”
The dragon followed my gaze to his book collection before he looked back at me. He cocked his head and for a moment, I wondered if I’d somehow committed a faux-pas, that it was insulting to discuss a dragon’s possessions with said dragon. But then it said, “There is beauty in the written word,” and I couldn’t really think of anything to say after that.
And it wasn’t until Grand Prince Justin of Verania came stomping down the stairs in the rear that I was able to find my voice again.
“Dragon,” he snapped, and I jerked at the sound of his voice. “Why do I hear voices? Who have you brought with you? I thought we were going to finish reading the—”
And his eyes widened when he saw me.
He looked good. His hair was a bit longer (which, of course, made it curlier and more devastating; when my hair got too long, I looked homeless), and he was maybe a bit leaner, but he appeared to be in good health. He wore a simple tunic and trousers. He was barefoot, and for some reason, I found that oddly disarming. The whole thing felt surreal. Normally he was poised and pinched, and here he looked like anyone else.
“Sam?” he said, voice slightly choked.
And this was the Prince of Verania, my Prince, but for some reason, instead of addressing him as such, all I could think about was how his fiancé wanted to do me, so I said, “Heeeyyy, buddy. You doing good? You look good. For being kidnapped. By a dragon. Like I just was. But I’m here to rescue you. I think. I really don’t know. I might be confused as to why I’m here.”
Justin stared at me.
“You’re very strange, pretty,” the dragon told me.
Justin’s eyes bulged as he looked up at the dragon. “You can talk again?” he demanded.
The dragon said, “You can understand me now?”
And I said, “So, this is awkward.”
“Why haven’t you been talking this whole time!” Justin shouted.
“I have been,” the dragon snapped. “You just couldn’t understand me!”
“I understand you just fine now! What did you do differently?”
“I didn’t do anything! I brought the wizard here to translate!”
“Oh, isn’t that just perfect! I’ve been sitting here for weeks with you just growling at me, when we could actually have been having conversations this entire time!”
“I wasn’t growling,” the dragon growled. “I was actually talking to you, but you don’t speak dragon so you didn’t understand me!”
“Wait,” Justin said. “Are we speaking dragon or Veranian?”
“I… have no idea,” the dragon said.
They turned to look at me. So I said, “Heeeeyyy, buddy. You look alive. That’s just super,” all the while thinking guiltily of how Ryan’s breath felt upon my cheek. I was an awful person and where the hell did I get off thinking about someone else’s man? And maybe, just maybe, Justin had turned over a new leaf whil
e being held captive by the dragon. Maybe he’d found in himself his heart and was able to see that the world was a wonderful and mysterious place and there was no reason to go around being a gigantic dick all the time.
Justin rolled his eyes. “Did you break him? He sounds broken. Well, more than usual.”
Nope. Still a gigantic dick.
“I found him tied up to a pole not far from here.” The dragon puffed out its chest. “Apparently there’s a cult that made a religion because of me and they were sacrificing people to me because of it.”
“I wasn’t tied to the pole,” I said. “By the time you’d gotten there, I’d already freed myself.”
“Oh yeah,” the dragon. “That’s right. And then you tripped off the altar and landed facedown on the ground.”
Justin snorted.
I glared at both of them. “I’m not a fan of either of you.”
“Feeling is mutual,” they both said at the same time.
“Great,” I muttered. “Now there are two of them.”
“Why are you here, Sam?” Justin asked.
“Um. I told you. To rescue you? I thought that much was obvious.”
He laughed. “And this is your idea of a rescue? Seriously?”
“Hey! I was fine until the cult!” And the Darks and fire geckos and fairies and drag queens, but he didn’t need to know any of that.
“The cult,” the dragon whispered. “The cult that’s for me.”
Oh gods. He and Gary could never meet.
“I’m actually a little insulted,” Justin sniffed. “My father sent just you to rescue me? I thought at the very least I’d warrant the knights.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me!”
“Well, that’s certainly not true, Sam,” Justin said. “I don’t know why you try and convince yourself otherwise.”
“Well,” I said, feeling slightly vindictive. “It isn’t just me. It’s Gary. And Tiggy. And Ryan.”
Justin’s eyes narrowed. “Really,” he said flatly. “You. And Gary. And Tiggy. And Ryan. That’s who my father sent.”
“It’s supposed to be some sort of test, I think,” I said. “To be honest, I’m not really clear. I think he said something about how it was romantic if Ryan rode up on a steed to slay the dragon and rescue the Prince, but then that turned racist because of Gary, so there is no steed and so I’m pretty sure the King’s idea of romance is slightly whack. He did try to marry me off to Captain Bad-Touch, after all. He had rapey eyes. Kind of like someone else I know.” I turned and looked at the dragon pointedly.