"I'm not mad at you. You aren't doing anything wrong in asking me that. Let's get one thing straight, okay?" I nod. "I will always be honest with you. Always. Even if you don't want to hear it. The only thing I ask is that you do the same. I don't want you to ever doubt what's going through my mind or wonder if you should say something. No secrets, babe. I understand why you didn't tell me about the baby before now. That's in the past. From now on, I want you to be completely open with me. Think you can do that?" I nod again. "Okay, Sunshine. That's good."
He kisses me sweetly then pulls back and urges me to rest on his shoulder. His arm curls around my shoulders and his hand that isn't holding me tight grabs my hand and places it over his heart, keeping his warm hand on top. The steady beats of his heart help to calm my own. We settle into a relaxing peace that almost has me drifting off until he speaks again.
"I know I told you about my mother. I don't want to get into that deeper, baby. Just know that there was absolutely no love when I was growing up. I can't remember her ever calling me anything other than a bastard. Constantly reminding me how unwanted I was." He pauses when I sob softly. "Hey, none of that. I've come to peace with it. It's taken me a while, but she has no place left in my life. I pretty much never had a relationship until I decided to give it a go once. I didn't love her, but I enjoyed being around her. Figured what the hell, surely there was a woman out there who wasn't full of evil like my mother. She wasn't as bad, but I learned almost too late just what kind of person she was. We were engaged for almost a year and not once did she call me anything other than Asher. So, I guess, long story short...hearing you call me baby, hearing something so fucking pure coming from your lips, does something to me that I can't even explain. But I love it."
God, my heart breaks for this man. This incredible man who has had way too much pain in his life. I can't even fathom how a mother could treat her own children the way his treated him and Coop. Just the thought of it makes me pull my hand from under his and place it against my stomach.
"Hey, talk to me," he requests.
"I can't imagine how that bitch of a mother could treat you like that. And that...that woman you were engaged to... Asher, I want to hurt them so badly."
He laughs lightly. "Sunshine, it's in the past. It's been a long time since I let my mother hurt me, even emotionally. As for Sarah Jane--that was her name--I haven't even thought about her until tonight. She was a mistake, and I got lucky seeing her true colors before I married her."
"Why do you call me that?" Well, hello ADD! Of all the things I should and could be asking him, I stupidly ask him why he calls me Sunshine.
"Huh?"
"Why do you call me Sunshine?"
He actually looks embarrassed for a second before he answers. "It's going to sound stupid or maybe just make me sound like a damn pussy." He awkwardly laughs. "I've been stuck in this fog, this darkness that's held me captive since Coop's murder. This black hole of grief that I just couldn't escape." He sighs, and I know this is costing him a lot to talk about. I instantly kick myself for bringing it up. "But then you came into my life, and as corny as it sounds, you were my light when there was none to be found. You were my Sunshine when I had been stuck in nothing but night."
Oh my God!
"Oh my God," I squeak.
"Yeah, I told you. It sounds stupid as hell."
He goes to move away from me, but I quickly move, straddling his hips and making it impossible to get away. Bringing my hands up and framing his face, I make sure he has nowhere else to look but directly into my eyes.
"You make it impossibly hard not to hand my heart over to you. That has to be the most incredible, heartfelt, and moving thing anyone has ever said to me, Asher. Do not for one second think I would ever think that how you feel about me would make me think you were anything less than remarkable." I lean down, pressing my lips lightly to his. I don't move to deepen this kiss. I breathe him in, basking in the glow of being his sunshine.
"I want you again," he says against my lips. His hand moving between us and slowly pushing into my pussy.
"Then take me. I'm yours," I gasp.
"Yeah, Sunshine, you sure are mine."
This time, he doesn't take his time. I thought the first time we came together was toe-curling, awe-inspiring, earth-shaking, best sex ever...but this blows it all out of the water.
His eyes bore into mine the whole time his hips are thrusting powerfully, driving his thick erection into my body at a speed that has me gasping for my breath. His hands never leave my face, where he holds me prisoner to his gaze. His arms are under mine, bracing him to the bed and leaving mine free to roam over his strong back and firm ass. Every time he dips deep and my fingers dig into his back, he lets off this animalistic groan that has me soaking his cock.
By the time he pushes in deep, empting himself out into my body, I've come three times and would swear that I saw angels.
After he leaves the bed, returning with a warm washcloth to clean me off with so much care that I almost come again, he throws it off to the side and climbs back into the bed with me, wrapping me in his arms.
A peace I've never known washes over me in that moment, and I know without a shadow of doubt that, no matter what happens, this man has taken a part of my heart I will never be able to get back.
Chapter 19 - Asher
"He's clueless, Britney. Completely fucking clueless." Sarah Jane laughs into the phone, completely oblivious that I'm standing right outside our bedroom door.
I can feel my anger starting to simmer at a low boil. I just stand there waiting to see what she's going to say next.
Sarah Jane and I have been dating for about a year. I met her at a local bar, and for the first time, the thought of being with someone steady didn't cause my dick to die a slow death. It just seemed like the right thing to do when she started pressuring me to put a ring on her finger. I don't really know what love feels like, but I like her enough to deal with her daily. So that has to mean something. But what do I know is that, at twenty-five, I just know I need something stable for Coop so he can get over this notion that all chicks are pure evil. But judging by this shit I'm listening to, I might be proving him right.
"Can you believe he was stupid enough to buy me a ring? Well, if you could call this speck a ring. I need a goddamn magnifying glass to make out the diamond," she laughs. For the first time in months, that laugh doesn't make me want to fuck her. No, it makes me want to strangle her slim fucking neck. "He's perfect though. I just know that, once he marries me and I get pregnant, he'll bend over backwards for me."
I don't know what Britney, her best friend, says in response to that, but I continue to stand here, waiting to see what bullshit comes out next.
"We talked about this, Brit! I need him to prove to Daddy that I'm responsible enough to take over the company. You know he thinks I'm too flaky to take over, and Clarkston Inc. is worth fucking millions. All I need to do is marry Asher and maybe have a kid. Then--boom--Daddy will hand over the company on a silver platter.
"No...I'm not just doing this for the company. That's the goal of it all, but hell, you've seen Asher--and his brother for that matter. He's gorgeous and he can fuck me like an animal. Maybe I can get his brother to agree to some side action. Could you imagine? Both of the Cooper boys fucking me? God, I could come right now just thinking about it. I bet he's just as rough as Asher is!" She laughs again, and I'm livid.
How could I have been so fucking stupid? I move to storm into the bedroom but stop short when a firm hand grabs my bicep and holds me still. I turn sharply, ready to lay out whatever motherfucker is stupid enough to let this train wreck keep going. His eyes are burning, his lips set at a thin line, but he shakes his head and nods in the direction that Sarah Jane's voice is still yapping, mouthing a firm, "No," to me.
We stand there and listen to her go on and on about how much she wishes she could fuck us both. How she's using me, fucking using me like a piece of shit, just to get her daddy's money
. I'm disgusted with myself, ashamed that I let her get the best of me, but most of all, I hate that I've done this.
In an effort to prove to Coop that he doesn't need to sleep with every woman he meets, that there has to be a woman worth sharing your life with, I've let him down. I should have seen this coming. And now I worry that Coop is going to see that maybe he's right... Maybe chicks aren't worth shit when it comes to us.
We've been tainted from birth.
Makes sense that we should just keep our fucking distance.
Sarah Jane's laugh floats through the air again, and I'm fucking done. Before Coop can stop me, I step forward and push the door open the rest of the way. It slams against the wall, breaking off the hinges and leaving it hanging at an odd angle. Lovely, just something I'll end up paying for with the landlord.
"The fuck did I just hear you say, Sarah Jane?"
She has the fucking nerve to look ashamed. The fucking nerve to look like she is the wrong party here. Hell. Fucking. No.
"Did I hear you correctly, bitch? I'm just a goddamn game to you?"
"Asher--" she starts.
"Oh fuck no. Let me tell you what's going to happen now. You're going to take my miserable diamond off your finger, get your fucking shit, and leave. I don't ever want to hear from you again, and while we're at it, I better not see you step a foot near Coop. You think you're going to use me as a pawn for your shit, then think again, darling, because this shit ends now." I step forward, my chest brushing her ample tits. "It's a shame you let the cat out of the bag. Who knows? Maybe you would have known what it feels like to be taken by both the Cooper men. Such a pity. But hey...no sweat off my back, bitch. Your pussy is so worn that I could have dropped a coin in there and never found the bottom."
I don't waste time seeing her reaction. I stomp right out the door, past a laughing Coop, and into my truck. I wait because I know Coop will be quick behind me. We don't even talk before the rubber of my tires is screaming against the pavement and I'm tearing ass to the bar.
Time to get fucked up and try to remember why I ever thought that I was good enough for someone.
***
We have been at the bar for a few hours. I'm well past drunk, while Coop is just chilling and keeping the drinks coming. I'm not drinking because I'm heartbroken or anything. I'm drinking because I'm pissed. I wanted so badly to prove Coop wrong. I don't want him alone; I don't want him to keep thinking that he should avoid a relationship. I want him to believe that there is more out there for us. It's the hope I've had as long as I can remember. I would see people who seemed so in love, so happy, that I would pray that one day we would find that.
Unfortunately for me, Coop has made it perfectly clear that he will never settle down. Never give a woman a chance to hurt him again. And I hate that for him. He has so much to give, so much of him that deserves to feel that love we see.
"You ready to believe me when I say all chicks are good for is spreading their legs and enjoying our dicks?" He laughs.
"No, I'm not. One day, there's going to be more than sex. We're going to meet someone who proves all this bullshit wrong, Coop."
"Doubt that, brother. I'm not setting myself up for that shit ever. Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies...but that love is for what we can give each other between the sheets. Never. I will never settle myself down with just one."
"How can you be so sure? Don't you want to share your life with someone else?"
"Yeah. I've got you."
I shake my head. I know he believes that too. He really thinks that the only thing he will ever need is me, and even though I know I'm not going anywhere, I wish he would see things differently. I've seen our friends settle into good, loving relationships, so I know it's out there. He just refuses to believe it. And I know it all has to do with our fucking mother. She's done this to him, and just when I thought I couldn't hate her more than I already do, I'm proven wrong twice in one day.
"What about kids, Coop? Do you really never want to have kids?"
"What the hell is this, Dr. Phil?" he laughs. "Hell no I don't want kids. I won't take a chance that anything that evil bitch has could be passed on to my kid. No way will I take that chance. The poor thing would be doomed from the fucking beginning. There isn't anything in me worth giving a kid, and you know that." He sobers for a second, shaking his head. "It's better this way, Ash. I've got you. I've got the boys. There's no need to shake things up now."
"I wish you didn't believe that, brother."
"Just give it up, Ash. Please."
If it weren't for the raw desperation in his stare, I would press longer. But I do what he wants and keep silent. We sit there, together, just like we always have been. He's right about one thing: I'll always be here and nothing could change that.
Chapter 20 - Chelcie
Three Weeks Later
Today is the day. The day that I find out if I'm having a little boy or little girl. For as long as I can remember, I've always dreamt of having a little princess. Someone I can dress in all pink, do her hair and nails, bond with like my mother did with me.
However, today I'm hoping and praying that they tell me that I'm having a boy. I've been dreaming of a perfect little blond-haired, blue-eyed prince for the last month or so. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I just know this is going to be my son.
Over the last three weeks, Asher and I have become inseparable. The bond that started to grow between us in the weeks that followed Coop's murder has turned into something I never could have fathomed.
As corny as it sounds, he's my other half. The reasons we've been brought together, that we even met, seem to be the hand of fate. I don't usually believe in that nonsense, but I have to believe that everything that's happened has happened for a reason.
Last weekend was hard. Asher's slowly been dealing with some of the things he's been avoiding. One of those things happened to be cleaning out his brother's house. Coop had a small two-bedroom house just outside the city limits. It wasn't anything to write home about, but it was full of memories for Ash, full of his brother, and if it hadn't been for the sheet of dust that coated every surface, you would have thought that Coop would be coming home at any second.
***
"I can't go in yet, Chelcie. I just... I just need a minute."
I look over at Asher. He's staring straight ahead at the closed garage door. His fingers are clutching the steering wheel as if it's his lifeline. My heart breaks for him. I know that today has to be costing him a lot. Too much. But he told me that he needed to do this. He needed to start turning on the lights in the darkness of his life.
"Take all the time you need, baby," I say, hoping that my voice doesn't crack. I wait for him to battle whatever is raging within his mind. My hand continues to play with the longer pieces of hair on his neck, and I rub my belly with my other.
"I wish he was going to be inside. God, I wish... I wish so badly that he was still here."
"I know you do, baby."
I can see him struggling even worse, and I know this is going to be even harder than I imagined.
Unhooking my seatbelt and opening my door doesn't even filter through his thoughts. My poor man is so lost right now. Once I've walked around to his side of the truck, I open the door; he doesn't even look at me. Hell, I'm not even sure that he knows I'm standing here.
"Ash?" I question. "Asher." I harden my tone and finally gain his attention.
He looks over at me, his eyes lost and haunted.
"Do you see me? I need to make sure you really see me right now and that you aren't lost in the nightmare in your head." He nods, his throat moving with his effort to control his emotions. "You are one of the strongest men I know, baby. I wish I could take your pain, ease your heart even for a second, but this is something you have to do for yourself. I'll be by your side every second you'll have me. All you have to do is take that first step. It's going to be hard, but you're not alone."
I wait for him to gather his thoughts, hopin
g that I didn't overstep. We've talked about Coop's death almost nightly. I know all about his quest to bring down the man responsible, and it terrifies me. There's a reason that he's wanted by so many different law enforcement branches, and I'm shocked he's still roaming free. That man is dangerous with a capitol D, and I've made it my mission to try and convince Asher that he doesn't need to do this. It's a battle I'm wholly committed to win.
"I miss him, Sunshine. My God, I miss him so much it feels like my chest is being split in two. I think about him, that damn cocky smile, his stupid jokes, and I wish..." he trails off, closing his eyes, lost in the memory of his brother.
I take a second to bat away the tears that are rolling down my cheeks, cursing my stupid hormones. Asher needs me to be strong right now, not my normal basket-case self that cries on the drop of a hat.
"I know, baby. I know."
He opens his eyes, observing me with a look I've seen a few times on his face before. His hardness evaporates and his eyes turn soft.
"I love you, Sunshine," he says softly.
My eyes widen, my mouth gapes at the words he's just spoken, but my heart swells.
"And I love you, Asher."
He gives me a sweet kiss, pulling back to rest his forehead against mine, a move I'm familiar with from him. He seems to take pleasure in just sitting like this, being close to me, and I love it.
"I'm ready."
"One step at a time, okay? If you need to stop, we can come back later."
He nods and climbs down from the cab. We walk hand in hand into Coop's old house. I refuse to let his hand go, even when the grip becomes almost unbearable.
***
That day had to be one of the hardest. Witnessing him breakdown when he walked through the door, his huge frame crashing to his knees. A sound so heartbreaking slipping from his throat was almost my undoing. But when I hurried to kneel in front of him and saw the raw, unmasked pain in his eyes--the tears that were flowing down his face--I couldn't hold back any longer. I pulled him into my arms and held him. I held my big, strong man while he purged himself of every ounce of grief he'd been holding in since he'd lost Coop. He cried for what felt like hours, my ass and legs going numb, my back killing me, and my arms shaking with the effort to hold him steady. You couldn't have pulled me away if you'd tried.