“I’m not going to change my Gospel,” Jacob said. “You must have faith in me. All is as it was before. When I told others about you, I never lied.”
“Those were private matters,” Mary said, “you betrayed us.”
“No,” Jacob said, “your lives have helped to convert many non-believers and they will help you too. I find your lack of faith disturbing. Nevertheless, I understand why you are worried. In time, you will understand. Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be helpful to you.”
“Why should we continue to follow you,” James asked.
“You believed in me before. I am no different now. If I have tested your faith I am sorry, but I want all of you to continue to be my disciples.”
“Are you the Messiah?” Joel asked.
“I am what I am,” Jacob said, “you must have faith in me.”
Chapter 62: Return
Jacob was in high spirits. The “day of the return,” he kept shouting. The “day of the return,” we kept saying with unveiled contempt. He didn’t notice, we couldn’t pierce his shield of joy. He didn’t care about us anymore. He had what he wanted.
Jacob was in high spirits. He should have remembered the moment of greatest happiness always comes just before the fall. I bet the builders of Babel were proud on their last day of work too.
Jacob was in high spirits. We were going to have a parade, a coronation proceeding, to the church he never abandoned. A victory march to the church he would lead again. He had what he wanted.
Jacob told us the leaders of the Carthaginian Church had promised he would get back, not his old church, but the one he had always wanted. I don’t know if this was just a great delusion or whether they had lied to him. Maybe they had genuinely promised, but the situation changed. Even Jacob admitted that the appointment was not yet official.
The city had granted a permit for a parade down only one street. It was a small parade, but we made the best of it. A great multitude, or at least a tiny multitude, lined both sides of the street. Many of them were waving signs and shouting “Hosanna,” “Melekh ha Olam,” or “Sar Shalom.”
Jacob rode in a small car with an open top. The route was so short that he should have walked, bur he had to look to precedent. Thus, he drove slowly, so slowly it was ridiculous, but no one noticed.
I have to admit, the parade was beautiful, just as all parades are beautiful. A parade is a work of art made beautiful by its transience. A work of art, not just because of the colors, but because we pour so much wasted emotion into it. We blaze brightly in the darkness if only for a little time.
Jacob’s little parade was beautiful. I tried to remember it after everyone turned against us. I thought of how many people were there. How many people believed. How strong their belief was as they shouted out for him. How some laid palms before the car. How quickly belief disappeared as if it never was.
Chapter 63: Supper
We should have celebrated with a feast that night, but we had little money and no desire to celebrate. Still there was happiness. However, we did not understand the evil about to fall upon us.
Jacob insisted we all gather to eat so we took what little money we had and went to a small fast food restaurant.
After the food arrived, Jacob spoke to us in a sad voice, “Everything which I used to say could not happen, will happen now. Those who fear me will persecute me. What God wants will happen soon. I must leave you. Thus, it was written in destiny long before I was born.”
“What do you mean,” Joel mumbled while stuffing his mouth with fries, “you’re abandoning us?”
“No, I will be taken from you against my will. Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away. Children must learn to live without their father’s guidance.”
“When are you leaving?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, little children, yet a little while I am with you. Listen, for in this short time I must finish teaching you.”
We listened, halfheartedly, but we listened. I write what I remember. Maybe Jacob said other more important things I forgot or didn't hear. I write what I remember.
“Consider our world. We live in a contaminated moral environment, where even morality leads to immorality. Everyone is a hypocrite. We fell morally ill because we became used to saying something different from what we thought. We learned not to believe in anything, to ignore each other, to care only about ourselves. Now, we must reverse the course of humanity by discovering the truth and acting upon it.”
“How?” Stephen asked, “So far we have done nothing or, at most, very little.”
“You believe we have accomplished nothing, but we have already begun to change the world. We have planted a durable rumor of hope amid the widespread despair of a hopeless world. In time this rumor will grow and blossom.”
Philip rolled his eyes.
“Consider yourselves. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you. It is your task to keep this rumor of hope alive. I believe in you and you are my friends if you do what I command you.”
“How will we accomplish this without you?” Mary asked.
“Remember my teachings and follow my works. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. For I have given you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. I understand that the path is hard. Therefore, I ask only that you keep one commandment, Veahavta Lereacha Kamocha.(Love your neighbor as yourself).”
“What does that mean? How can we follow your commandment if we do not know what it means?” Atarah asked.
“Do not worry, you will figure it out.”
“How?” Simon asked
“The same way you figure everything out, by living.”
Everyone sighed. Jacob was speaking in riddles again.
“I have many things to say to you but you cannot bear to hear them now. First, I must go away to a place where you cannot follow.”
“Is someone going to kill you?” Simon asked, “For I would gladly die with you.”
“No, I will not completely die and I do not ask you to lay down your life for me. I ask you to do something much more difficult: Have faith. Even as I ask it, I know you will not answer. For you will all betray me and will leave me alone. Yet remember, I am not alone for my Father is with me. Even when my enemies seem triumphant remember, I have overcome the world.”
Chapter 64: Garden
When Jacob finished eating, he rose from his seat. Without a word, he led us out into the darkness of the night. Silently, obediently, we followed even though we no longer believed in him, even though we no longer believed in the possibility of being able to offer our lives and die for our hopes and dreams.
Some followed out of habit. Others followed because they had nowhere else to go. The rest because they didn’t know what else to do.
I don’t know why I followed. Maybe because I had always been a quitter and I thought he was testing me to see if I would quit again. I did not want to quit even though I no longer believed.
After a short time we came to an area abandoned by humanity. Up and down Kidron Street, stores and buildings long ago shut by bitter greed oozed out into our empty souls.
Finally, we turned onto David Street and stopped in a parking lot. At least it had been a parking lot. Now it was just an abandoned place where weeds and concrete choked each other.
Jacob motioned for us to sit down. Then he called Simon, Mary, and me. He led us a little space away from the others and told us to wait.
He went forward and knelt before a lamppost between spots F 66 and G 77. He placed his hands on the base of the post and began to pray. The weak dirty light from the post formed a halo around his head. A beautiful sight, it made me want to believe again. Almost.
He began to pray, loudly, as if he wanted us to hear what he said. He spoke of his suffering. “Hear my words O Lord, listen to my singing. Hear my cry for help, my King, my God. I have changed, I am not as sure as when we started. Make me
brave, braver than this. My courage fails me. Help me Lord, for no one loyal remains, the faithful have vanished from the human race. Friends and companions shun my pain. I am very near to falling, my pain is with me always.”
In his total exhaustion he wept, he wept bitterly. “Why do you let me see ruin; why must I look at misery? How long will your people mock my honor, love what is worthless, chase after lies? How long Lord, will you hide your face from me. How long will I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart? And now O Lord what future do I have? If I cannot save myself, O God, can I not save one of my disciples? Lord, I wait for you O Lord, my God, answer me.”
I heard nothing but silence. I saw nothing but darkness. I felt nothing but sorrow.
Jacob arose, “Restore my joy in Your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit.”
Chapter 65: Abandoned
Jacob left the parking lot. We followed. I saw in the eyes of the others that they wanted to know what happened, but Simon, Mary, and I refused to speak. We were as silent as the sleeping city, this dying city, which has caused us such pain. To hell with trying to save it. Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendum. (Carthage must be destroyed)
Jacob walked ahead of us, lost in his own thoughts. I caught up to him and said, “What happened back there? Did God send you a sign?”
“I think so, but all signs are misleading. Go. I must be alone now.”
I returned to the others. I felt something happening. Jacob saw no sign and his prayers were useless. No god ever gave any man anything nor ever answered any prayer at anytime, nor ever will.
The night pressed down hard from above. The stars hung bright above, silent, as if they watched the sleeping earth. For some reason this terrified me. There is no reason why because it is dark you should look at things differently from when it is light. Nevertheless, as you know friends, I fear the darkness.
I fear the darkness because it hides the unknown. Nothing is worse or more frightening than ignorance except, perhaps, the truth. Both hide the unknown and reveal the known. Now I am afraid because I do not know what is going to happen. I am more afraid because I think I know what is going to happen.
Jacob’s actions tell me the time has come for God to abandon us. Eventually, God always abandons his followers. If you don’t believe me, look it up in the Bible under “How to Know God” page 130. He abandons you when you finish the task He orders you to perform. Our task is finished. We await our reward.
The police were waiting at the bus.
“Which one of you is Jacob,” one said.
“I am,” Jacob said, and they took him.
They took him and death and ruin filled the universe. Flames of futility flashed bellow. The stars were strangled and the moon blinded by flying clouds of black despair.
Jacob is gone, but it is not our fault. We could not stop those more powerful than ourselves.
The sun begins to rise, but there is no light. The glory of the world is gone. Tears! tears! tears! In the night, in solitude, tears. No powers from heaven could ever take this darkness away.
Chapter 66: Pain
My pain. My God, the pain. Jacob would say pain is good because it proves You exist. The more pain, the more proof. Nothing comes from nothing.
You give us, Lord, only three gifts: faith, hope, and love. Love, of course, is the greatest of these gifts. But, we do not always receive love. If we did, we would have no need for faith or hope.
We need faith and hope when we face evil times. You are our refuge and strength, a very present help in our trouble. The only help You offer in evil times is faith and hope. You created us so that we could suffer. The more we suffer the more faith we need. The more we have faith, the more we need to suffer.
Captured by hope, we pray for your help, Lord, and when You want to punish us, You answer our prayers. We know altruism is the mark of a superior being. We know You are the greatest of all beings. Therefore, we know You are a cheerful giver. Cheerfully You give us unlimited pain. This pain proves You would never completely abandon us. Those with faith know it is worse, far worse, for You to abandon us, to be indifferent to us, than it is for You to punish us.
You are love. Your ability to love is unlimited. If we cannot receive Your pure love, You must give us the lesser form of Your love which is faith and hope. Lacking the greater love, we may come to you, Lord, only through faith and hope. Whoever understands the first truth, should understand the ultimate truth. The last and first, are they not the same? Therefore, we should pray for torture.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find. For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds.
Keep Your gifts from me Lord. I want no faith or hope.
Chapter 67: Broken
Jacob was gone. I left the bus. Confused and afraid, I walked aimlessly, wandering the city, my vision blurred from held back tears. Eventually I collapsed in the park on a wooden bench.
I held my head in my hands digging my fingernails into my scalp, using pain to hold back the tears. While I did this, I head someone else sit down next to me.
‘Hello Shiloh,” Belial said.
“I knew you would come to gloat at our misfortune. At least tell me why this is happening.”
“It is happening for the same reason everything happens. Some weak men saw a way to become a little more powerful by bringing down one of their betters. It is a pity really.”
“Is that what we are? Scavenging monsters willing to destroy the entire life of a good man just to gain some temporary joy?”
“Have you only just discovered that everyone loves himself more than his own neighbor? Some justly, others to get something out of it. The poor ones like us are powerless. Do not judge them, they fear him.”
“So they are afraid that what he preaches is the truth?”
“No, that would make sense and this world is never rational. They are persecuting him because they know he is wrong. They know they alone hold the truth. When this belief is shaken, they prove they are right by destroying any new teachings they begin to believe. By obliterating all truth, they ensure that their truth will continue to be the truth. Men never do evil so fully and cheerfully as when they do it out of conscience.”
“That is insane. No one can find the truth without thinking without debating and searching, without learning.”
“An nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia mundus regatur?(Do you not know, my son, how little wisdom rules the world?) Everyone in this world wants an easy answer. No one wants to be wise. We pay a high price for wisdom, intelligence hurts.”
“Why does intelligence hurt?”
“Fools who accept whatever truth another tells them have it easy. Ignorance and blind belief protects and comforts them. Routine, fear, and prejudice distort vision. Each man thinks his own horizon is and should be the limit of the world. Most humans would rather be slaves in a group than an exile who is wise, and free. They call upon others to lead them, to show them the path through the darkness. Blindly they follow as those in power mold the untruthful truth. "Vibrai rijo o chicote, marinheiros! Fazei-os mais dançar!”(sway hard the whip sailors! Make them dance more!)
“I don’t understand.”
“Try to think. Christians and their God are not interested in finding truth or having anything to do with it. Why else did God order us not to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge? Knowledge and truth are the destroyers of belief and dogma and we prefer belief and dogma. Even the Bible tells you you’re all sheep. Did you ever stop to think what that meant?”
“No.”
“We who are not sheep, those of us who search endlessly for the light in the darkness, are the ones who suffer the most. For in much wisdom there is much sorrow and he who stores up knowledge stores up grief.”
“I wish I had remained a fool so that I could avoid such pain.”
“Why? Wisdom is the greatest gift in the world.”
“Even greater than love? Kisses are a better
fate than wisdom.”
“Perhaps, but wisdom is like a kiss on the lips. Remember what you are seeking. l’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle (The love that moves the sun and the other stars.) In the world of knowledge, the idea of the good appears last of all, and is seen only with effort, but the prize of the good is worth endless suffering. Continue to seek. Je länger ein Blinder lebt, desto mehr sieht er. ("The longer a blind man lives, the more he sees.")
“Jacob is a good person and all it got him was more suffering.”
“Yes, he is a good person, but it is dangerous to be good. The good never compromise. They always do what they believe to be right no matter who it hurts. It is the same way with those who are truly evil, if any such exist. Then there is the rest of humanity. No absolutes hold us; we fly here and there taking short-term gain, unknowingly choosing evil over good, just trying to survive. You decide which life is worse.”
“Do you know why the world is so unfair?”
“No. For some reason God allows the evil to succeed. To be honest requires great effort and continuous courage. And as for fairness, that is the hardest of all. Those who are fair to others pay the greatest price.”
“What is the greatest price?”
“Being broken. Against all, the evil and the selfishly indifferent, good men, if they are good, stand alone. They fight as long as they can until they inevitably break. For in this world, everything eventually breaks. God made it so. Therefore, when one man stands alone against the world either he or the world must break. In the end, no one can stand alone against the world. In the end, good men pay the price for their virtue.”
“So that is the best good people can hope for in this world?”
“The best and the worst, but remember, it is better to break than to bend.”
Belial got up to leave. “Wait,” I said, “will you still tell me the definition of the good?”
Belial smiled, “Yes, but not now. I will tell you Ad Kalendas Graecas.(On the Greek Kalens.)
“What does that mean? Tell me something I can understand!”
“Mata ah-oo hima de,”(until we meet again) he said over his shoulder as he left.
Chapter 68: Injustice