“You have no idea what that divorce did to me,” he ground out. “You walked out on me. That hurt, Kel.”
He could feel the rise and fall of her breasts against him. Hear her quickened breaths. He could smell panic, knew she was on the verge of bolting, but he didn’t let her go. Wasn’t sure if he could even if he wanted to.
“I know,” she said. “It hurt too much to love you.”
“A divorce doesn’t magically make someone stop loving.”
“I couldn’t live with you. I can’t ever live with you.”
“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt Eddie. And I’m sure not going to get myself killed.”
“He’s just like you, Buzz. He’s fearless and daring with a never-ending sense of adventure. Those things scare me because I know where they can lead.”
“You’re wrong about me,” he said. “You’re wrong about all of this.”
He didn’t intend to kiss her. Now wasn’t the time to test his control. It sure as hell wasn’t the place. But the chemistry between them had never relied on anything as reasonable as timing or simple right and wrong. The pull was too strong to resist, so he went with it and lowered his mouth to hers.
Her lips yielded softly to his. She tasted as sweet and mysterious as dark chocolate. The familiarity of her scent taunted him, tested his restraint, broke it. Crazy thoughts rushed through his brain like flashes, unleashing a hunger he’d kept buried for five long years. He knew it was insane to want her like this, to hope for something that could never be, but the taste of her mouth intoxicated him, made him believe in impossible dreams.
“Don’t do this to me.” But even as she said the words, her head lolled back and she offered the tender flesh of her throat.
Buzz kissed her neck, tasting her, remembering, savoring the sweetness of her flesh. Arousal flowed hotly through his veins. Pleasure zinged through his brain like a shot of whiskey on an empty stomach. She was the only woman in the world who could make him shake with need. The only woman he could hate and love at the same time and know fully he would never reconcile the two.
He kissed her throat, her jaw, her temple, then worked his way back down to her mouth. Something primal broke free inside him when she opened to him. He used his tongue, and she accepted him, welcomed him in with a small sound of pleasure at the back of her throat.
Buzz knew kissing her like this was a mistake. He knew it would do nothing but hurt him in the long run. The conversation they’d just had hadn’t solved a damn thing. And if he let this go any further it would complicate an already complicated situation exponentially.
But control had never been his strong suit when it came to Kelly. She could topple that stone-and-steel structure with nothing more than a look or a sigh…or a single, earth-shattering kiss.
Five years of need and hurt tangled inside him, a rope drawing ever tighter around him until he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. A hundred memories of how it had once been between them joined the melee. Caution sparked, a tiny light in a raging sea, but was quickly doused by the rush of heat that flamed over him like the afterburners of a jet engine.
Buzz knew all too well what it was like to want. He’d learned to live with it, learned to live with a lot of things in the last few years. He’d told himself a thousand times he didn’t miss her. He didn’t dream about her. He didn’t fantasize about her. Or want her. Or think about having a future he knew could never be.
But when she moved tentatively against him, all that need exploded, shattering boundaries he’d sworn he would never breach. She gasped when he pressed his hard length against her. Then, taking her hands in his, he slid them above her head and moved against her.
“Some things never change,” he said breathlessly. “This hasn’t changed.”
“We’re going to hurt each other,” she said.
“The way you feel against me…Kel, maybe it will be worth it.”
“Nothing’s worth that kind of pain.” But she didn’t ask him to stop.
Moonlight poured over her, turning her hair to silk, her features pearlescent. He looked down at her, breathing in her scent, putting it to memory, knowing that no matter what happened in the coming days, he would always have this moment.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered.
She tried to look away, but he cupped her chin and forced her eyes back to his. “I mean that, Kel. You’re beautiful. Inside and out and every place in between. Whatever happens after tonight, I want you always to know I feel that way about you.”
A small, embarrassed smile curved her mouth. “You know better than to say something like that to me at a moment like this.”
“Why?”
“Because we both know we’re about an inch away from making a very big mistake.”
“We’re pretty good at that, aren’t we?”
“We’re good at a lot of things.”
Lust and need and something else he didn’t want to name coiled deep in his chest. Vaguely, he was aware of his own heavy breathing. The pounding of desire in his groin. The wild flutter of his heart. “If you want to stop this, I suggest you say so in the next thirty seconds,” he said.
“Being with you like this won’t solve anything. I think we both know it will only make everything worse.”
He knew she was right, but he wasn’t a good enough man to admit it. And he sure wasn’t a good enough man to stop. Instead, he bucked logic and kissed her again. Hard and without the finesse she deserved. For an instant, he thought she would turn away, turn him away. Instead, she melted in his arms, opened to him. Her arms went around his neck. He groaned when she moved against him.
Her softness met his hardness with a silent crash, and Buzz saw stars. He skimmed his hands down her sides, pausing at her breasts. It had been so long since he’d touched her like this, since he’d touched any woman, but his hands hadn’t forgotten the sheer perfection of her. She shivered when he skimmed his thumbs over her breasts. The hardened peaks of her nipples teased his palms through the silk of her bra. Cupping her, he molded the soft flesh. She arched into him, trusting him, giving him full access. Her nipples were larger than they’d been the last time they’d been together and he marveled at the ways pregnancy had changed her body, a body he’d once known intimately.
A body he desperately wanted to know again.
A new urgency burned through him. Lifting her T-shirt, he tugged it over her head. Her hair tumbled wildly over her shoulders. Her bra shimmered white in the moonlight. He could see the peaks of her nipples through the material, the frosting of lace against her flesh. Never taking his eyes from hers, he reached behind her and unfastened the tiny hooks. The scrap of material dropped to the ground.
The sight of her awed him, made him realize just how long it had been, just how desperately he’d missed this, how desperately he’d missed her. “Having a baby made you even more beautiful,” he whispered.
She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. “I sort of looked like a basketball when I was pregnant.”
He smiled, trying to imagine her body rounded with child, and felt a sudden, stark sense of loss. He didn’t want to feel that. Not now. All he wanted at the moment, all he needed was the pleasure he knew only she could give him.
“I’ve thought of you a thousand times in the last five years,” he said. “Touching you like this.”
“I’ve thought of you, too.” She closed her eyes for a moment, then looked at him. “Buzz…”
Her voice trailed when he skimmed his fingertips gently over her. “Like this?” he asked.
She shivered. “Yes.”
The word ended in a gasp when he bent his head and took her nipple into his mouth. She cried out softly, arching and throwing her head back as he laved the hardened peak with his tongue. He suckled her, nipping and tonguing, first one breast and then the other. She writhed beneath his manipulations, her cries of delight echoing amongst the rocks to be lost at the treetops and fading into the night.
He t
ried not to think about how far this might go or where it would lead them. All he knew was that he wanted her, he wanted to take it to the limit just one more time. Logic told him they should stop before things got crazy. But Buzz knew the situation had passed that point the moment he’d touched her.
His mouth left her breast, his tongue leaving a wet trail to her neck. He kissed her mouth. She tensed slightly when his hands went to the snap of her jeans, but she didn’t stop him. He knew what she was thinking. He sensed the war raging inside her. The war between sanity and lust, emotion and logic, right and wrong. The very same war raged within him.
The snap at the front of her jeans opened easily. Lowering the zipper, he set his hand over her flat belly. Warm, taut flesh met his palm. He barely heard her whisper his name over the jackhammer of blood in his ears. His fingers met the silk of her panties, then the crisp curls of her mound.
Vaguely, he was aware of her trembling. He heard labored breaths, but for the life of him he couldn’t tell if they were hers or his. A sound escaped her when his fingers found her most intimate place. She squirmed in his arms, opening to him, her body melting around him like hot wax. His heart pounded like a locomotive, laboring up a hill with a heavy load. He slipped two fingers inside her and she went rigid in his arms. A cry bubbled up from within her, but he swallowed the sound with a kiss. He made love to her mouth, all the while his fingers moved rhythmically inside her. He felt the rise of high-wire tension coming through her body and into his, but he didn’t stop, refused to give her a reprieve. Not until she gave him what he wanted, what he needed.
“Climax for me,” he whispered, stroking her, stroking.
She came apart in his arms, like a bomb exploding in slow motion, pelting him with sensation. He felt her body spasm. Her legs buckled. She cried out, but his name came out in only a whisper because her breaths were coming in short, labored gasps.
Gentling the kiss, Buzz closed his eyes against the burst of emotion and held onto his control by the force of sheer will. He held her tightly, aware that he was still touching her intimately, and tried not to think about what he’d just done and what it would mean in terms of their relationship or where they went from here.
The discipline cost him, but he held her gently as she slowly came back down to earth. Kissing her, never taking his eyes from hers, he swept her into his arms. On shaking legs, he carried her over to his sleeping bag and settled her onto it.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m going to make love to my ex-wife.”
Her cheeks were flushed and moist with a sheen of perspiration. Buzz had never seen any woman look as beautiful as she did at that moment. She glanced over at the tent, realized belatedly that she was concerned about waking Eddie.
“Is he a sound sleeper?” Buzz asked.
“I need to check on him,” she whispered, moving to rise.
Buzz put his hand gently on her shoulder, pressing her down. “Let me.”
Rising to his full height, resisting the urge to rearrange himself, he strode over to the one-man tent, unzipped the flap and peered inside. The smell of little boy and laundry detergent and the scent of Kelly’s shampoo lingered. It was a few degrees warmer in the tent. Anxious to get back to Kelly, he looked around as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. The sight of his son stopped him, the barrage of emotions that followed froze him in place.
The little boy was sleeping soundly with one arm draped protectively over the ratty stuffed bear he’d been carrying around with him. Buzz stared, aware of the uneven tempo of his breathing, the strum of his heart, the sharp pang of an emotion he didn’t want to identify punching through him. For a moment he was moved so profoundly that tears burned at the backs of his eyes. Awe and disbelief that such a beautiful child could be his flowed through him in a torrent.
Moving into the tent, he raised the sleeping bag higher on Eddie’s thin shoulders and covered him. Without realizing he was going to, Buzz leaned forward and kissed the little boy’s soft cheek. “Night, son.”
He closed his eyes tightly, determined not to let this get to him. Struggling to get a handle on his emotions, he backed from the tent, then sat back on his heels and pulled in a long breath.
He knew it was stupid to get emotional over something as simple as kissing his son good night, but for the first time in too many years to count, Buzz was having a hard time keeping it together. He could already feel the losses piling up around him. Soon it seemed the ground would open its hungry mouth, and everything he’d ever wanted would be gone.
Chapter 13
K elly told herself she could handle this. She could keep a handle on her emotions. Keep her heart in check. Not let him get to her with those intense gray eyes and those hands that knew just where to touch her.
He was the only man in the world who could make her lose control. The only man who could offer her a mistake and make her think it was heaven. But she knew he could, indeed, offer her a little slice of heaven. At least for a little while. Because in the moments she’d been wrapped in his arms, she had been in heaven. The down side was that at some point she would have to leave his embrace and the reality of what she’d done would come crashing down on top of her.
“You look like a woman faced with the firing squad instead of a roll in the hay with her ex-husband.”
She jolted hard at the sound of Buzz’s voice. Because she didn’t want to comment on what he’d said, she asked about her son. “How is he?”
“Sound asleep.” He made no attempt to lie down on the sleeping bag with her. “I covered him up.”
“Thanks. It’s cool tonight.”
“Yeah.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
Kelly knew better than to give her eyes free rein, but they took on a life of their own and swept over him. His jeans were snug enough that she could see the hard ridge of his arousal just behind his zipper. The realization that he’d given her so much pleasure, and she was already having second thoughts about going through with this made her feel guilty. It was a silly thing to feel because even when they’d been married Buzz had never been selfish that way. Of course, back when they’d been married she’d never told him no….
Making love with Buzz was like stepping into a swirling whirlpool. She knew once she did—if she did—she would be tumbled around and swept away. Maybe for good.
“You’re having second thoughts,” he said after a moment.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. We don’t have to do this.”
It hurt to hear the words because the ache to have him close was so intense she could barely take a breath. She hadn’t put her clothes back on and her body still throbbed where he’d touched her earlier. She could still feel the wetness between her thighs. The heaviness of her breasts. The stab of need in her womb.
Guilt and need and a dozen other emotions thrashed inside her, pulling her in different directions. God, how she wanted to go to him, touch him, kiss him the way she had a thousand times before. But caution refused to let her move, refused to let her put so much of herself on the line for a man who would do nothing but hurt her, hurt her son.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
“You know what you want,” he answered in a rough voice.
“I can’t get involved with you.”
“You already are.”
“We’ve been down that road before, Buzz.”
“If I remember correctly, it was a pretty damn good ride.”
“It was a mistake.”
“Some mistakes are worth making, Kel.” He knelt on the sleeping bag next to her.
“Some just hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
You already have, she wanted to say, but it was too late. Her voice locked up. He was so close she could feel the warmth coming off him. She could smell the faint remnants of his aftershave and the all-too-familiar scent that was uniquely his. Need coiled like a spring inside her, tighter and tighter
until she felt she would explode. Her heart pounded. Her breaths quickened and she could see the faint white puffs in the cool night air between them. No one else had ever done that to her—make her feel as if she’d run a ten-mile marathon, when he hadn’t even touched her yet.
“I want you, Kel,” he said. “I want you more than my next breath. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
The words shocked her brain, battered her defenses. She told herself he was talking about physical need. He was a man, after all. But she knew that wasn’t what he meant and nothing else he could have said would have shocked her more.
She stared at him, wanting him so desperately the need was an ache. But the knowledge that loving him tonight would only hurt her tomorrow and bring to her heart a pain she was all too familiar with stopped her.
He sat back on his heels. “Come here.”
Indecision hammered at her. A moment of heaven for a lifetime of hell. She’d never been more at odds with herself. Body and mind. Heart and soul.
Buzz took the decision away from her. One moment he was gazing at her with the cool indifference of a man who was the epitome of control. The next he reached for her, grasping her biceps and pulled her toward him.
He didn’t ask for permission to kiss her. His mouth came down on hers like a bird of prey swooping down for a kill. The fierceness of the kiss took her breath. For an instant, he possessed her, and despite her resolve not to make a mistake, she reveled in the sensation. Her brain ordered her to pull back, but the hot desire coursing through her body banked the order with military precision. Instead she opened to him, and he went in deep. Sensation streaked through her body like electricity and exploded in her brain like a bomb. The sleeping bag she’d been wrapped in fell away from her. Vaguely, she was aware of the cool night air on her back. She gasped when his hands went to her breasts. He molded her and her body jolted with pleasure, arching against him and all she could think was that she wanted more.