He tore at his clothes as he kissed her. Desperate to feel his bare flesh against hers, she reached for the snap of his jeans, but her brain was so overwhelmed she couldn’t manage. When he pulled away to work off his shirt, Kelly opened her eyes, found herself looking at his bare chest. He was leaner than she remembered, but his muscles were more defined. A dark blanket of hair covered his chest and ran in a thin line down to the waistband of his low-rise jeans.
He never took his eyes from her as he worked the jeans over his narrow hips. She watched him undress, mesmerized by the stark male beauty of his body. The sensuality of the moment overwhelmed her. She felt as if someone had doused her with gasoline and set her aflame. She was burning from the inside out, and the sensation was only increased by the desperate knowledge that this would be their last time together.
When he leaned forward and kissed her it was with a gentleness that brought tears to her eyes. That a man like Buzz could be so gentle with her was profound and it moved her as nothing else could have. Kelly wasn’t much of a crier, but a muffled sob escaped her. She felt Buzz stiffen. Then he pulled away slightly and looked at her with a puzzled look.
“Don’t stop,” she whispered.
“Kel, if you don’t want to do this—”
“I do. I want this…too much.”
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m not.”
“Kel…for Pete’s sake, yes you are.”
“Because I want this. Because it’s a mistake, but I want this anyway.”
She could feel him shaking with tension and restraint and uncertainty. She could feel that same tension zinging through her own body. He stared at her, his expression cautious and puzzled. Because she knew he wouldn’t proceed without some kind of encouragement from her, she leaned forward and brushed her lips across his.
That was all it took. In one smooth movement, he unzipped the sleeping bag and slid in beside her. The hard length of his body against hers shocked her. He felt solid and warm and strong beside her. It had been so long since she’d been with a man—since she’d been with Buzz—she’d forgotten what it was like. But her body remembered. Oh, yes, her body remembered.
When he moved over her, she opened to him. He looked down at her and she wanted to cry out with the joy of holding him close. She tried not to think about tomorrow or next week or next month. She tried not to think about what it would be like to walk away from him for the last time.
“I haven’t been with anyone since that last night,” he said.
The words shocked her. She’d assumed he’d moved on with his life. Over the years, she’d thought of him often, wondering if he’d found someone special, never letting herself examine too closely how that made her feel.
“That’s a long time,” she said.
“Some things are worth waiting for.”
His kiss devastated her, shook her all the way to her core. He worked her mouth with his, nipping at her lips, their tongues sparring. She moved restlessly beneath him, arousal burning her, making her impatient.
“Please,” she said, breaking the kiss.
“Not yet.”
She withheld a cry when he took her nipple into his mouth. Buzz had always been a patient lover. But she felt feverish. Unzipping the bag slightly, he moved lower, kissing the heated flesh of her belly, dipping his tongue into her navel, leaving a wet trail as he worked his way lower.
Her control left her when his lips brushed over the crisp curls at her V. She knew what he was going to do next. While the part of her she needed to protect cried out against the intimacy of the act, another side of her pleaded for him to continue, for him to touch her in the most intimate way a man could touch a woman.
“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered. “I won’t hurt you.”
But she knew he would. She was about to speak, but when his mouth touched her there, her thoughts exploded into chaos.
He kissed her deeply, and she closed her eyes against the blinding burst of ecstasy. In the back of her mind, she wondered how a man could make love to her like this and at the same time know they couldn’t be together forever. Pain clashed with pleasure, tearing at her like violent waves against the fragile shore.
Opening her, he stroked her and Kelly lost control. Her senses exploded, overloading her system, then shut down one by one until she was aware of nothing except the moment between them.
She was still trembling when he moved over her. She could feel him shaking, too. Bracing his arms on either side of her, he looked down at her. She’d never been able to read Buzz fully—that was one of the things that had always driven her nuts when they were married. She’d never known what he was thinking. But in that moment, she could see all the way into his soul through his eyes. And she saw all the things she felt in her own heart. Things she didn’t want to see. Emotions that would make their eventual parting even more difficult.
“Easy, honey.” He kissed her cheek, her temples, the tip of her nose. “You’re shaking.”
“You’ve always made me shake.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“Very, very good.”
The lines of his face were taut when he looked down at her. Never losing eye contact, she opened to him. They didn’t speak, but in that instant, they didn’t need words.
Her vision blurred when he entered her. There was a moment of discomfort and then an electric shock of pleasure. She would have cried out, but he stole her voice with a kiss. The world shook when he began to move within her. Long, steady strokes that made her feel wild and out of control. Her body bucked beneath his, taking him deeply within her. She heard a heartbeat racing out of control, heard his name, realized she was saying it over and over again, only he was kissing her and her cries were little more than moans of delight.
Emotion and physical sensation melded. Kelly felt the war in the deepest reaches of her heart. And while her body surrendered, her emotions refused to submit, and she knew there would be no victor.
All the while, Buzz kissed her as if knowing these would be their last moments together. Kelly felt the same desperation egging her on. She kissed him back with every emotion exploding inside her. Regret. Fear. The tattered remnants of her love for him.
Violent waves built deep inside her, pounding her like a relentless sea. Kelly rode the waves, letting them tumble and shake her until she didn’t know up from down. Pleasure streaked through her like a scream echoing in a cave. The intensity of it took her breath and jumbled her thoughts until all she was aware of was his body moving within hers, stretching her and filling her and driving her to slow, inescapable madness.
Completion crashed over her like a tidal wave. She heard her name, realizing he’d uttered it aloud. Once. Twice. He shuddered above her, his body going rigid. She whispered his name and accepted him without question, without hesitation.
And she knew neither of them would ever be the same, and that the mistake she had just made would cost her something she would never be able to get back.
Buzz lay awake in the sleeping bag, his body aching with exhaustion, his heart heavy with the knowledge that he’d just made the worst mistake of his life. It had taken him five long years to learn to live without Kelly, to convince himself he was better off alone. While he might not have managed to make himself believe it, he had managed to accept it, to live with the decision they’d made.
Tonight, he’d proven to himself just how wrong a man could be when it came to denial.
Around him the night throbbed with life. An owl screeched from a nearby branch as it dove for a scampering field mouse. The treetops whispered like recalcitrant children as the winds continued to whip down from the north.
Buzz stared up at the sky and tried to turn off his thoughts. He needed to sleep, needed to rest so he could get the pick-up arranged for first thing in the morning and get Kelly and that little boy out of his mind, out of his life, out of his heart once and for all.
Of course, his mind refused to obey.
&nbs
p; Next to him, the woman in question succumbed to exhaustion and slept. Moonlight turned her complexion to porcelain, her hair to silk. She hadn’t bothered to dress after their lovemaking and her body was warm and soft against his. At his age, Buzz had thought he’d experienced it all when it came to sex.
Tonight had proven him dead wrong.
He wanted to believe the emotions that had pounded through him when he’d been inside her, the power of the physical sensations coursing through his blood had been so intensified because it had been so long since he’d had sex.
Only he knew better.
Every time he closed his eyes he saw the way she’d looked at him when he’d been inside her. She hadn’t wanted to surrender. She’d fought him tooth and nail and body and soul. But neither of them could deny the magic or stop the inevitable.
How could something that felt so right be so wrong? How the hell was he going to handle this? How was he going to handle having a son when the mother of his child didn’t want him in their lives?
“If brooding were dangerous, we’d both be in dire straits right now.”
He hadn’t realized Kelly had wakened and for a moment he felt embarrassed that she’d caught him embroiled in such intimate thoughts. Shifting slightly, he turned to her, felt something inside him soften at the sight of her. “You sneaked up on me,” he said.
“You were a hundred miles away.”
“Actually, I was right here.”
“Ah, you like to keep your troubles close.”
Reaching out, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Very close.” He smiled. “Safer that way.”
A smile touched her mouth. She was so pretty when she smiled. He wondered when she’d stopped doing it. Wondered if maybe it had something to do with him.
“You used to smile all the time,” he said.
“You used to make me laugh.”
He suddenly had the crazy notion to lean forward and kiss her. The memory of their lovemaking floated through his mind. The feel of her beneath him. The sensation of wet heat wrapped around him. Arousal stirred hotly in his groin, making his sex heavy and uncomfortable.
As if realizing his thoughts, she sat up, holding the sleeping bag to her breast. “I need to check on Eddie.”
“I checked on him a few minutes ago.” He didn’t mention he’d spent twenty minutes inside the tent, watching his little boy sleep, and thinking about a future that could never be. “He’s wiped out,” he said.
“I guess he should be.” She glanced down at her watch. “Most little boys are wiped out at 3:00 a.m.”
“I guess it’s just us troubled adults who are left sleepless.”
“I guess so.”
He propped himself up on an elbow and met her gaze. “I’m not sure how we’re going to work this out, Kel.”
She stared back at him, solemn and sweet and so beautiful he wanted to gather her into his arms and make all the problems standing between them go away forever. If only life were that simple, he thought.
“Maybe we’re not,” she said.
“I’ll do what you want,” he said, shocked when his voice faltered. “If you think it’s best that I walk away…from you. From Eddie…” Not trusting his voice, he took a deep breath. “I’ll do it. I’ll walk away.”
“I don’t want Eddie hurt. I don’t want his life in turmoil.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“We’ve tried this once before,” she said. “I gave it my best shot. You did, too, Buzz. It wasn’t enough.”
He thought about that for a moment, felt the blade of hurt cut him a little more deeply.
“Why does this have to hurt so much?” she asked, her eyes filling.
“For God’s sake, don’t cry,” he said, but the tears spilled over her lashes to glisten on her cheeks like broken diamonds.
“There aren’t any easy answers,” she said.
“No. There aren’t.”
He didn’t expect her to reach for him, but when she did he was ready. His arms wrapped around her. He tasted tears and a hint of desperation when she kissed him. Then she moved tentatively against him. He became aware of soft flesh and secret curves and the sweet promise of her desire. The blood rushed from his head to his groin so quickly he was dizzy. He knew they weren’t going to settle anything tonight. It was almost as if they’d mutually agreed that they would never reconcile their differences. Not when it came to their relationship. Not when it came to the child he’d already come to think of as his son.
He’d thought the first round of lovemaking would have taken off the edge, but it hadn’t. As his blood pumped furiously through his veins and his breaths turned labored, he realized that clench of desperation would never leave him when it came to this woman. Because as surely as he was holding her tightly within his embrace, she was slipping through his arms. It was an unbearable sensation for a man who liked to be in control.
She gasped when he rolled on top of her. Her hair spread out behind her like a blanket of fine satin. The sleeping bag had slipped, exposing the beauty of her breasts. She stared up at him, her nostrils flaring, her mouth glistening with the remnants of their kisses.
“Tell me you want this.” Taking her hands in his, he slid her arms above her head.
She watched him, her eyes cautious and dark with passion. “I want this,” she said simply. “You make me crazy with wanting you.”
He pushed into her, felt her wet heat close around him as tightly as a surgical glove, and ground his teeth together to keep his concentration. He began to move, slowly, concentrating not only on his pleasure, but on hers. He watched her eyes glaze. Perspiration slicked her forehead. She rose to meet him, strength for strength, stroke for stroke, desperation for desperation.
“Tell me,” he said, not sure what he was asking, wanting to hear her say the words that were in her heart, wishing he could reach inside her instead, look into that heart and see if she had anything left for him.
She came apart in his arms a moment later. He watched her crest, awed and amazed and humbled that he could do that to her. That she would share the most intimate of moments with him. Never taking his eyes from hers, he continued stroking her, steady and deep and all-encompassing. He felt his own completion approach, and fought it, but he knew it was a losing battle. He didn’t want this moment to end, but he couldn’t stop the inevitable.
A moment later the pleasure took him over the top. He slipped over the edge like a man falling off a cliff, not sure what awaited him at the bottom.
“I love you, Kelly,” he whispered. “I never stopped loving you.”
Vaguely, he was aware of her stiffening in his arms, but he was beyond interpreting, beyond comprehension. With a final thrust and a guttural cry wrenched from somewhere deep inside him, he emptied his seed into the deepest reaches of her.
And he tried desperately not to think about what he’d just done.
Chapter 14
D awn broke cold and gray. Buzz woke at first light to an empty sleeping bag and the disturbing memory of making a confession he’d spent the last few years denying. A confession consisting of three words he’d spent the same amount of time trying to exorcise from his heart as if they were some evil demon.
Raising up on an elbow, he looked around and tried not to think about the stiffness in his arms and legs or the stabbing pain in the small of his back. His shoulder creaked as he worked out a kink. His neck was stiff as a board.
But worse than any physical pain, he felt the aftermath of a very bad mistake he’d sworn he wouldn’t make again.
I love you.
His own damning words rang like a death knell in his head. How could he have been so stupid? Saying something like that in the heat of the moment to a woman who wanted nothing more than to sever all ties to him wasn’t exactly smooth.
Snippets of the night before came to him like flashes of memory to a drunk after a blackout. The beauty of her body. The body he’d missed so desperately for all these yea
rs. The way her eyes had glazed with pleasure when he’d moved within her. The tight sheath of her when he’d been inside her heat. The memory of the magic they’d shared, both physically and emotionally, made him shake inside.
I love you.
God, how could he be such an idiot? Best to face reality now, he thought darkly. The bottom line was she hadn’t reciprocated the words. Not that he’d expected her to. That he’d wakened alone said it all, he realized. And for the first time in a long time he felt vulnerable and stupid and incredibly alone.
He must have been asleep when she’d sneaked out of his sleeping bag and climbed back into the tent with Eddie. She hadn’t bothered to tell Buzz she was leaving. Or kiss him goodbye. He told himself she hadn’t had a choice but to go back to Eddie. Of course, she didn’t want her little boy—their little boy—to see her sleeping in the arms of a man he barely knew. Something like that could be confusing to a child. Still, it bothered him that she hadn’t seen fit to wake him.
Realizing there was nothing he could do about the mistakes he’d made the night before except try like hell not to make the same ones all over again today, he unzipped the bag and stood. He tried to stretch, ended up wincing instead. He needed to check in with RMSAR. The winds had died down. They should be able to get the chopper in to pick them up.
“I’m hungry.”
Buzz actually jolted at the sound of the little voice. He spun to see Eddie standing a few feet outside the tent with his hair sticking up and the stuffed bear clutched in his grasp. The sight of his child, so soft and vulnerable and innocent, struck him squarely in the gut. For a moment, he could do nothing but stare, telling himself it didn’t hurt to stand there and look at him and know that in a few short hours he would be gone forever.
“What are you hungry for?” he managed after a minute.
Eddie rubbed his eyes. “Fat egg.”
Buzz didn’t have a clue what a fat egg was. “How about some granola and hot chocolate?”
“Okay, but I gotta pee first.”
“Right.” Buzz wiped a hand over his jaw to hide the smile. “You ever been camping before?”