“No.”
“You ever been a Boy Scout?”
“I’m gonna join Cub Scouts as soon as we move to Tahoe.”
On instinct Buzz offered his hand. “In that case, let me show you where the restroom is.”
Eddie took his hand. “They got a bathroom way out here?”
“Well, sort of. Just don’t do this when you’re at home, okay?”
Kelly woke to voices. Groggy and disoriented, she reached for Eddie. Her heart thumped hard when she found the sleeping bag next to her empty. She sat up quickly, her forehead grazing the top of the tent.
“Eddie?” she said in a sleep-clogged voice.
A familiar fear gripped her. Fighting her way out of the sleeping bag, she scrambled to the zippered entrance of the tent and into the soft light of dawn.
Her heart was still pounding furiously when she spotted Buzz and Eddie sitting near the fire twenty feet away. Both males were sitting on logs with their elbows on their knees and steaming cups in their hands. The same heart that had been pounding with fear a moment ago slowed to a soft, familiar ache.
Eddie was mimicking his father. If Buzz was aware of it, he made no indication. The sight of her son watching him with such adoration in his young eyes brought tears to her eyes. And a different kind of fear to her heart.
“Morning.”
She hadn’t realized Buzz had spotted her. She blinked, suddenly, painfully aware of his eyes skimming over her. Everything that had happened the night before, everything they had done played quickly through her mind. The heat of his hands roaming her body. The urgency of his mouth. The sensation of being filled by him, emotionally, physically. Whispered words that could never be taken back….
She prayed he didn’t notice the hot blush that crept into her cheeks. Abruptly, she was aware of how she must look. Her hair looked like a rat’s nest. Her shirt was wrinkled. She told herself it didn’t matter, but for several interminable seconds she wished she’d at least taken the time to finger-comb her hair.
“Mommy!”
Before she could say anything, Eddie jumped up from his place on the log and ran over to her, throwing his arms around her hips. “Buzz and I had candy bars for breakfast!”
“Oh, well…”
“Do you want one? He fixed me some hot chocolate, too. Do you want some?”
She hugged her son to her and tried desperately to find her voice, all the while feeling self-conscious because she knew Buzz was looking at her. “I think I might just have some coffee this morning, sweetheart.”
“Buzz! Fix her some coffee. She likes milk and sugar.”
Buzz smiled as he looked away. “Coming right up.”
Eddie turned back to her and looked proud for a moment. “Buzz and I had to whiz this morning.”
Whiz? It took her a moment to figure out what he was referring to, then it dawned on her. “Oh,” she muttered, realizing now that her little boy had learned the word whiz he was never going to use tinkle again. That was a female term, and evidently Eddie was hungry for the male stuff.
Despite everything that had happened—the mistake she’d made the night before, the danger of their situation, the pain in her heart, she laughed. God, she loved this child. Kneeling, she looked into his guileless gray eyes that were so much like Buzz’s, and thanked God he was safe and sound. Dirt smudged his left cheek. He had a scratch on his chin. There was a blade of buffalo grass in his hair, so she plucked it out.
“I love you, puppy face.” Pulling him close, she kissed him on the cheek.
“I’m not a puppy face.”
“Are, too.”
He giggled and wiped the wetness of her kiss from his cheek. “I love you, too, Mommy.”
She kissed the tip of his upturned nose, then hugged him to her, trying not to let the moment get too serious. She breathed in his scent, let it fill her and calm her and she knew that no matter what else happened, as long as she had her son everything would be okay.
“It’s black.”
She pulled away at the sound of Buzz’s voice and stood. She’d known she would eventually have to face him, have to face what they’d done the night before.
I love you.
She imagined the warmth of his breath against her ear as she stood and accepted the cup of coffee. Her stomach felt jittery. And when she looked into his slate-gray eyes she knew he was remembering, too, because for an instant he didn’t meet her gaze.
“Thank you.” She took the coffee and, because she desperately needed something to do, sipped even though it was much too hot.
He gazed back at her, steadier now but cautious. His walls were back up, she realized. High, thick impenetrable walls he used to keep her out of his head, out of his heart. He’d done it when they were married, kept her out as if she were a thief out to steal his emotions, and he was doing it now.
But last night…last night she’d seen those same walls obliterated.
“It looks like the winds have died down,” he said. “I don’t know how long that will last, so I need to radio RMSAR and set up the pick-up.”
She glanced toward the north. Smoke tinged the sky gray and an odd shade of pink, but there was no longer ash floating down. That was a good sign. “Maybe the fire’s under control.”
“I hope so. Hard to tell. It’s so damn dry.”
He started to turn away, but before she could stop herself she reached out and touched his arm. Pausing, he turned back to her, hitting her with those cool eyes.
“Thanks for taking care of Eddie this morning,” she said.
“You were exhausted.”
“So were you.”
Shrugging, he looked over where Eddie was carrying on a conversation and sharing his hot chocolate with Bunky Bear. “He’s a great kid.”
She smiled despite the burn of tears. For a crazy moment she wanted to say just like his dad, but she didn’t. Buzz might be his biological father, but he wasn’t going to be his dad.
“He likes you,” she said.
“Kids aren’t afraid to open up their minds and give their hearts.”
The words went through her like a bullet searing through flesh and going deep. She stared at him, her heart rolling into a frenetic staccato. “Buzz, about last night—”
“Don’t, Kel,” he said gruffly.
“But I—”
“You made your position clear. I got it. It’s okay. I’d rather not discuss it this morning if you don’t mind.”
She didn’t want to discuss it either, but she knew at some point they would have to. For the life of her she couldn’t think of how to make things right. She didn’t want Eddie hurt by a man who spent his days jumping out of choppers and scaling sheer cliffs. She didn’t want her son following in those lofty footsteps.
She watched Buzz walk over to the radio, wanting desperately to do the right thing. If only she knew what that was. Her heart broke because deep down inside, she knew the only man who would ever matter to her was the only man she could never have.
“Homer One this is Tango Two Niner. Do you read?” Buzz walked several yards away from the makeshift camp, speaking into the radio.
“Homer One standing by.”
“Is Eagle available for a pick-up?”
“Stand by.”
“Standing by,” Buzz said, aware that Eddie had wandered over, his eyes as wide as his open mouth as he watched Buzz speak into the radio.
A few seconds later, Dispatch’s voice belched from the radio. “That’s affirm, Tango. What’s your twenty?”
“I’m a quarter mile north of Woody Creek Pass.”
“Terrain sucks, Buzz.” Static hissed for an instant. “Eagle, do you read?”
“Roger that, Homer One.” Chopper pilot Tony Colorosa’s voice crackled over the radio. “How’s tricks, Malone?”
“About like the terrain,” Buzz grumbled.
“Come again?”
“Never mind. What’s your ETA, Eagle?”
“Sixteen minutes if there’
s a place where I can set this tin can down.”
“Negative. We’ve got trees and rock all over the place up here.”
“There’s no time for a hike, Buzz. Winds are going to start kicking once the sun heats things up.”
“Terrific,” Buzz muttered.
“You up to a swoop and scoop?” Tony asked, using the search and rescue term for a pickup made by winching a man down from the chopper and picking up a subject using a steel cable and harness. It was the riskiest kind of rescue, but it was also the fastest.
Buzz didn’t even want to think of a swoop and scoop when it came to Eddie. The kid had already been through a lot. But he was even more worried about Kelly. She’d been terrified of helicopters since losing her father and brother in that fiery crash.
“What are the stats on the fire?” Buzz asked.
“We lost four more homes last night. It’s contained for now, but the weather service says winds are going to start kicking in a couple of hours.”
Buzz cursed, knowing he didn’t have a choice but to agree to the winch pick-up. “That’s affirm on the swoop and scoop.”
“Hold your panties on, ladies, we’re gonna rock and roll!” Tony belted out a whoop.
Buzz wasn’t in the mood for the pilot’s antics, but let it slide since his mood had nothing to do with the poor taste of words and everything to do with a woman with big brown eyes and a child who’d suddenly become one of the most important people in his life.
“I’ll put out a flare,” he said.
“Roger that,” the pilot replied. “ETA fifteen minutes. Eagle over and out.”
Switching off the VHF radio, Buzz crammed it into its case, then spun back toward camp only to find himself facing a curious set of huge gray eyes.
“Is that a real radio?” Eddie asked.
Buzz studied the small, freckled face for a moment, felt his mood shift, lighten. “As real as it gets.”
“Can I talk on it?”
“We’re on the emergency channel at the moment, and we don’t want to clog that particular channel up with conversation.”
Eddie shoved his hands into his pockets and looked dejected.
“How about if I let you hold it?” Buzz offered.
“Wow! Really?”
“Sure.” Buzz opened the sheath and slid the radio from its nest. “You ever used one of these before?”
The little boy’s eyes widened. “Who? Me?”
“You don’t see anyone else around, do you?” Buzz handed him the radio.
Eddie accepted it as if it were made of glass, then stared down at it with great reverence. “It sure is heavy.”
“See that button right there?” Buzz asked, referring to the Squawk button.
“This one?” He carefully touched it with a small fingertip.
“Press it.”
Tentatively, Eddie pressed the button—and nearly dropped the radio when it beeped.
Buzz withheld a smile. “You ever ride in a chopper before?”
Eddie looked up at him. “I rode in a limo once.”
“A limo, huh?”
“Yeah, my mom took me. She had to wear a dress.”
Buzz didn’t want to think about Kelly in a dress. He especially didn’t want to sink to the level of asking this child why she’d had to wear a dress—or who she’d been with—but he couldn’t quite suppress the quick surge of jealousy.
“The limo was cool,” Eddie said. “But I’ll bet a chopter is better.”
Buzz laughed outright. “That’s chopper, sport.”
“Wow! A real chopter! I can’t wait to tell my mommy! Can she come, too?”
Buzz didn’t think Kelly would consider a ride in a helicopter very cool. Not after losing her father and brother in a chopper crash.
“I’ll have to talk to your mother about—”
“Mommy!” Spinning, Eddie took off running toward Kelly. “Buzz said I can take a ride in the chopter with him!”
Buzz groaned at the way that sounded. Like he was trying to buy the kid’s love by offering something she couldn’t give him. Sheesh, he didn’t have this communicating with kids thing down yet. The key, he realized, was not to say anything you didn’t want broadcast in the next ten seconds.
“What’s this about him riding in a chopper?”
Buzz looked up to see Kelly approach, her eyes flashing cold and hot, her back ramrod straight. She’d always looked good when she was mad and the years hadn’t changed that. He still noticed. And he still felt the same old punch of lust every time he looked at her.
“That’s not how it sounds,” he said.
“Why don’t you explain it to me then?” She folded her arms.
Buzz sighed. “I just radioed RMSAR headquarters. They’re going to pick us up in the chopper.”
Her stance relaxed marginally. “Oh. Well…”
“Swoop and scoop,” he added.
A different kind of tension leaked into her expression, and she paled. “Buzz…”
He glanced down at his son, hoping she knew better than to frighten the little boy. As if realizing she would, indeed, frighten Eddie if she made her argument in front of him, Kelly turned away and knelt in front of Eddie, sweeping the hair off his forehead with the backs of her fingers. “Honey, I want you to go into the tent and put your jacket on and pack Bunky Bear into your backpack, okay? And tie your shoes. Double-knot, like I showed you. We’re going to leave in a little bit.”
“Mo-om…”
“Give Buzz back his radio.”
“Jeez. I didn’t even get to talk.”
“Don’t jeez me. And be sure to thank him.”
Sighing heavily, he handed the radio to Buzz. “Thanks,” he mumbled.
Clearing his throat, Buzz accepted it and shoved it into the sheath. “Any time,” he said.
Eddie lingered until Kelly put her hands on his slim shoulders and turned him in the direction of the tent. “Put your jacket on please. Go.”
Casting a final I-can’t-believe-she-would-do-this-to-me look at Buzz, Eddie folded his arms and tromped toward the tent, clearly not happy that he’d been relegated to packing his stuff and tying his shoes.
Buzz waited while Kelly rose to her full height. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest when she turned back to him and raked him with those pretty brown eyes. “Why a swoop and scoop? Why can’t they designate a pick-up point and land, for God’s sake?”
“Too many trees. Terrain is too rough. There’s no place for miles to land that big 412.”
“In that case, we can hike to a suitable pick-up point.”
“Winds are expected to start kicking again in about an hour. We don’t have time to hike to a decent pick-up point.”
“I don’t want Eddie dangling from the end of a cable a hundred feet above the ground.”
“I’ll be with him,” Buzz cut in. “He and I go up first, then I’ll come back down and get you.”
She stared at him as if he’d just asked her to jump out of a plane without a parachute. “There has to be some other way.”
“There isn’t,” he said firmly. “I thought about it all night. We don’t have time to hike down to the valley. It would take us half the day. By the time we get there the winds would be up again.”
“Buzz, I don’t like it.”
“There’s no other way.”
“We’ll just take an extra day and hike down the way we came.”
“Not with the fire coming this way.”
“Maybe the firefighters have it under control by now. Maybe the winds have—”
“They haven’t, Kel. Damn it, I know you don’t want to do this, but you don’t have a choice.”
“All I want to do is keep my son safe.”
“That’s why we’re going to do this my way.”
She didn’t have anything to say about that. Instead, she stood there, staring at him as if she were the one dangling a hundred feet above the ground—and he’d just cut her cable.
“We don
’t have a choice,” he repeated.
“If anything happens—”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” he snapped.
Raising her hand to her mouth, she covered it as if to muffle a sound. “I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to him,” she whispered.
“Kelly…damn it—”
“I’ll never forgive you. I swear, if something happens to him, I’ll never forgive you.”
The urge to go to her was strong, but Buzz knew that would be a mistake. Instead he steeled himself against the fear he saw in her eyes, against the tremulous voice and shaking shoulders—and his own need to make her understand that it would be infinitely more dangerous for them to stay.
Instead, he simply walked away.
Chapter 15
K elly watched the bright orange smoke from the flare curl into the morning sky only to be swept away by the wind at treetop level. In the distance, she could hear the rumble of the Pratt and Whitney engines and the whop-whop-whop of the chopper’s rotors cutting through the air. A few feet away, Buzz fitted Eddie with a safety harness the chopper had dropped on a fly-by a few minutes earlier, adjusting it to fit his smaller frame.
“What happens if the cable breaks?” Eddie asked the question with the same unconcerned nonchalance as if he were asking about the weather.
“The cable won’t break.” Buzz slipped the harness between the boy’s small legs, then tightened the straps at his waist. “It’s steel. And you’re not exactly tubby.”
“I weigh forty-two pounds,” Eddie put in.
Kelly watched the exchange, wishing desperately they didn’t have to use a cable—steel or otherwise, to get her little boy into the chopper. Her hand shook when she reached out and ruffled her son’s hair. “How you doing, kiddo?”
“Fine, Mommy. I’m not even scared.”
She was feeling the same sick panic as the first time she’d had to leave him at daycare when he was nine months old—only this time it was multiplied exponentially because seeing him dangle from a cable one hundred feet above jagged rock was nothing compared to leaving him with Mrs. Hemmelgarn. She thought it ironic that her son was so brave when she felt as if she were coming apart inside. She glanced at Buzz. “What about a helmet?”
“We don’t have one.”