Sex had been the one aspect of their marriage that had never failed them. Even when things were bad, sex had always been…breathtaking. It had healed a lot of wounds between them. She supposed that’s why it had taken her so long to realize mind-blowing sex couldn’t fix a broken marriage. She wasn’t quite sure whether Buzz had ever realized the same thing.
He’d come to her several times after the divorce was final, and he’d made no bones about what he wanted. There were no pretenses for Buzz Malone. Even knowing they could never live together as husband and wife, Kelly hadn’t been strong enough to turn him away.
She’d gone off the pill in a last-ditch effort to convince herself that she would never be with him again. That it was over between them not only physically, but emotionally as well. Kelly knew her going off the pill had been more of a symbolic gesture than anything else. A surefire way to sever that last, lingering tie. But the break hadn’t been clean. When Buzz had shown up at her door at two o’clock in the morning with desperation in his eyes and taken her into his arms, Kelly went willingly. She’d vowed to turn him away, convinced herself she didn’t need him anymore. But when he’d kissed her, her resolve had crumpled.
They’d ended up in bed and for a few short hours, they’d forgotten about the rest of the world. In the morning, Buzz was always gone. Kelly had hated herself afterward. For being weak. For being vulnerable. For always feeling too much. But in the few short hours when he’d held her in his arms, she’d almost believed they were going to make it. Almost.
She flinched when he raised his hand and pulled a twig from her hair. They spoke simultaneously.
“Sorry I fell on you,” he said.
“Sorry I tripped you.”
She forced a short laugh, but it didn’t break the high-wire tension that had fallen between them. This wasn’t a good time for her to be taking a trip down memory lane.
With the effortless grace of a man in top physical condition, Buzz got quickly to his feet, then offered his hand. “Let’s get back to camp and pack up.”
Kelly accepted his hand and let him pull her to her feet. For the first time she realized her boots were soaking wet. Her feet were cold. Mud clung to her backside, and she had leaves in her hair. “I must look like a crazy person,” she said with a laugh.
“You look like a worried mother,” he said. “Stop being so hard on yourself, okay?”
She glanced at her watch, amazed to see that it was only a few minutes past 6:00 a.m. It seemed as if Eddie had been missing forever.
“We’ll pack up, and cross back over the creek and take that path you found,” Buzz said. “He can’t be too far away.”
A fresh burst of hope leapt through her. “Okay,” she said and they started toward the camp.
Buzz had always prided himself on having a level head. He was a cautious man, not prone to idiotic behavior or lapses in judgment. He was the kind of man who relied on logic to guide him through a world that was as complex as he was basic. The kind of man whose emotions never entered the picture when it came to making important decisions. He could count the number of mistakes he’d made in his lifetime on one hand. It didn’t elude him that most of those mistakes had to do with Kelly.
That his hormones would betray him was the ultimate irony. Sex was the one aspect of his relationship with her that he’d never been able to control. An area where all the good sense and logic he prided himself on possessing didn’t mean squat because once he touched her he didn’t give a damn about any of those things.
He’d come within an inch of kissing her a moment ago. Worse, he didn’t think he would have wanted to stop with just a kiss. He never wanted to stop with just a kiss when it came to Kelly.
He could still feel the heavy pool of blood in his groin. Still feel the softness of her body beneath his. The sweet brush of her breath against his cheek. She’d been terrified and panic-stricken, and the need to calm her was like a living thing inside him. It hurt to see her that way. It hurt even more not being able to do anything about it.
That he was out here in the middle of nowhere looking for his own son gave the situation a cruel twist. How could he be thinking of Kelly in sexual terms given what she’d stolen from him? How could he still want her when she’d made her feelings perfectly clear five years ago? Was he that big a fool?
Buzz still couldn’t quite grasp the fact that he now had a son. An innocent little boy with eyes so like his own he couldn’t bear to look at the photograph. Damn it, he’d never wanted children. The truth of that made him feel like a son of a bitch. But he knew how cruel life could be to an unwanted child.
Russell Malone hadn’t wanted children either, and Buzz had spent his childhood paying for his parents’ mistake. His mother had died during childbirth, and Buzz’s father, overcome with grief and bitterness, had blamed the child he’d never wanted. For sixteen years, young Buzz had paid in every way an abused child could pay. He’d learned when to hide by the time he was six. Learned to duck punches before his tenth birthday. He learned to take those punches by the time his teen years rolled around.
He still couldn’t bring himself to think of those days. Couldn’t think of Russell Malone without getting a knot of hate in his gut.
Yes, Buzz knew first-hand the terrors this world could offer an innocent child. Four years with the Child Abuse Division of the Denver PD had solidified his resolve never to have children. He’d seen things during those years he could barely acknowledge even now. Things that shocked him and shamed him. Things that had given him nightmares for months afterward. He thought of all those things now—the nightmares innocent children faced every single day of their lives—and wondered how a woman he’d once loved could do something so deceitful.
Cursing under his breath, Buzz packed the lantern into its case and shoved it into his backpack. He could hear Kelly behind him, packing her things, but he didn’t look at her. There were too many emotions boiling inside him, and Buzz needed to keep those emotions bottled. He didn’t want them to come out because they were dark and volatile and wouldn’t do either of them any good. Kelly was already on edge. All she needed was a spark and she’d go off like a bomb.
“I’m ready.”
He turned to her and frowned. She looked better than she had a right to. Her color had returned. She’d pulled her brown hair into a ponytail. Dirt marred the knees of her jeans, but she’d tucked in her shirt and brushed off the leaves. No, she shouldn’t have looked so damn good. But she did, and the fact that he noticed ticked him off more than anything she could have said.
Without speaking, he pulled the radio from its case and summoned Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters. “Homer One this is Tango Two Niner. Can you give me a stat on our lost boy?”
“Dispatch here, Buzz. We just heard from White River. No sign of the subject. Grid search in progress just north and east of you. Clear.”
“Where’s Eagle?” he asked, referring to the Bell 412 chopper.
“Eagle left at first light. Flyboy did a sweep of the area, but the Forest Service needed a swoop and scoop just north of you. It’s an emergency situation up there. A dozen homes burned this morning. Sixteen people had to be evaced.”
Buzz hadn’t wanted Kelly to hear that. They didn’t need yet another emergency piled on top of the one they were already dealing with. Without looking at her, he turned and walked a few paces away from her. “How bad is the fire?”
“It’s small right now. Only a couple thousand acres have burned. But it’s not controlled and another front is coming through this afternoon. Winds are going to be bad, Buzz. Fifty, sixty knots. Going to send the fire south fast. Things might get a little crazy.”
Buzz knew all too well what those kinds of winds would do to a fire in drought conditions. Even a light breeze could turn a relatively controlled fire into an out-of-control inferno if things were dry enough. He and Kelly and Eddie were directly south of the area Dispatch was referring to. For the first time, true fear gnawed at his stoma
ch like a starving rodent. “Front going to be dry?”
“That’s affirm according to Weather Service.”
“Damn.” Buzz scrubbed a hand over the stubble of his beard. “Kel and I are on the east side of the campground. We found tracks last night, then again this morning. Let the base camp know, all right? I think we’re close, but we could use some volunteers up here.”
Dispatch hesitated. “Boulder One is working the fire.”
Buzz closed his eyes, caught himself, hoped Kelly didn’t see the reaction. “We lost all of our help?”
“That’s affirm.”
“How many people we got looking for the boy?”
“Jake Madigan is out with a few people on horseback just to the west of you. Dog team from Chaffee County is en route. John Maitland and Scully are in the ATV to the south.”
“Roger that, Dispatch. Clear.” Cursing, Buzz shoved the radio into its case and latched it to his belt. When he ran out of things to do, he turned to Kelly.
She was standing a few feet away, staring at him as if he’d just hung up with the executioner. Her eyes were large and dark and knowing in the pale oval of her face.
“Where’s the chopper?” she asked evenly.
“There’s a fire to the north. Forest Service asked Flyboy to evac some families.”
“They’re not going to help us?”
“The fire takes precedence, Kel.”
“How bad is the fire?”
He considered her for a moment, weighing his options, wondering how much he could tell her without setting her off.
“Don’t you dare hold out on me,” she snapped.
“I’ll level with you if you can keep a handle on it.”
“I can handle it. Just….” Her voice broke. “Damn it, Buzz. I deserve to know what we’re up against.”
“The fire’s to the north of us and burning out of control. There’s a front coming. Winds are expected to kick up to about fifty knots.”
“Rain?”
Buzz shook his head. “It’s a dry front.”
“It’s coming this way, isn’t it? South. Of course it is.”
He nodded, hefted his backpack and slipped his arms through the straps. “Let’s go.”
“How long do we have?” she asked.
“Kel, you know how unpredictable fires are.”
Her hands shook when she reached for her fanny pack and clipped it to her belt. “All right,” she said. “Let’s go find Eddie.”
To someone who didn’t know her, she might have looked like she was about to set off on a Saturday-morning hike. But Buzz knew her all too well, knew her intimately, remembered every detail about her because he still dreamed about her.
He saw clearly the pain and fear in her eyes. The tension in her shoulders when she moved. The unsteady hands. All of that punctuated by the determined set of her mouth. It was hard for him to watch her hurt, even harder not to do anything about it. Every cell in his body screamed for him to go to her, to hold her for a moment and tell her everything was going to be all right.
But he held his ground. He knew if he gave in to the need to touch her, to make everything all right—even if it wasn’t—he might open a door he’d worked very hard to close. A door he would be a fool to open now, no matter what lay on the other side of the threshold.
Chapter 6
B y noon, the winds had shifted out of the north, and Buzz could smell smoke. A call to Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters told him the southernmost line of the fire was now only six or seven miles to the north of where they stood. Throughout the afternoon hours, the sky had darkened, casting eerie gray light over the forest. Ash fluttered down from the slate sky like dirty snow, a constant reminder of the danger bearing down on them.
“This is the third time we’ve been through this area.”
Stopping next to the small creek that ran along the trail, Buzz looked over at Kelly and felt that all-too-familiar punch-in-the-gut sensation that got him every time he looked at her. Considering they’d been walking for six hours without food or rest—and with no sign of Eddie—she was holding up amazingly well.
They’d run into another search party near Panther Creek a couple of hours earlier and chatted for a few minutes. Nobody had said what they were all thinking, but Buzz saw it in the other men’s eyes: The little boy should have turned up by now.
“Fourth time,” he corrected and tugged the collapsible water container from his backpack. He drank deeply, then handed it to Kelly.
She took the bottle, but she didn’t drink. “I don’t understand how his tracks could just disappear.”
“Neither of us are trackers, Kel. We missed something. That’s all. We’ll make another sweep. He’ll turn up.”
He saw a fresh wave of worry leak into her features. He was beginning to see the trend. She was fine as long as they were moving. Once they stopped, her mind began to torture her with terrible possibilities.
“Drink,” he said firmly. “I don’t want you getting dehydrated.
Sighing, she raised the container to her lips. Buzz watched her drink, the slender column of her throat moving rhythmically as she swallowed. At some point, she’d removed her flannel shirt and tied it around her waist. The T-shirt she wore was dirty in places and torn at the shoulder, but neither of those things detracted from the slender form beneath. He remembered every curve and secret place with painful clarity. And the way she looked at him when she was aroused, the heat of her flesh beneath his hands….
From where he stood a few feet away, he could see the outline of her bra and the faint points of her nipples through the thin material. She’d never been into fancy lingerie when they’d been married, but he swore he saw the delineation of lace. The image gave him pause, made him wonder if she bought that fancy underwear for someone to see. The thought stuck in his craw like a piece of glass. In the back of his mind, he wondered if she was seeing that jerk back at the campground, if it was serious. He wondered if she realized the man he’d met back at camp was interested in being more than merely her friend.
Buzz knew it was stupid, but the thought of her with someone else ticked him off. Damn near made him queasy. But he could tell by the way Taylor Quelhorst had looked at her that he was definitely interested. Any man in his right mind would want her.
His gaze traveled the length of her as she drank. She was thinner than he remembered, with a little bit more muscle definition in her arms. He wondered if she still liked to run. When they’d been married, she used to get up early and run every morning. Then she’d come home, and if he was still in bed she’d join him and they’d make wild, passionate love. They’d shower together and make love again beneath the spray….
Realizing he was just standing there, staring at her—and that she’d noticed—he eased the backpack off his shoulders and let it fall to the ground.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
He frowned at her, then lowered himself onto a comfortable-looking slab of granite and worked the stiffness out of his ankles. “I’m going to sit down and eat one of these protein bars. I suggest you do the same.”
“We can’t stop now,” she said. “Damn it, Buzz, it’s getting late. We can circle around again. Use the whistle—”
“We’re going to stop and rest for a few minutes.”
“I want to keep going.”
He would have snapped at her if she didn’t look so damn good standing there, killing him with those eyes and all those curves he was a fool to be noticing now. “If you’ve got half a brain you’ll sit down and rest while you can, Kel. We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”
She stood her ground. “I’m not tired.”
Ignoring her, Buzz rummaged through his backpack, found two protein bars and tossed one to her. She caught the bar, then stalked over to a flat-topped rock a few feet away where she ripped off the wrapper. She ate without pleasure, all the while her eyes scanned the surrounding woods.
Buzz had to admire her; she’d
done well considering the circumstances. He knew what parents were like when children turned up missing. Most were more of a hindrance than a help when it came to the search. He should have known Kelly would be different. She might be missing her son and scared spitless, but she’d taken control of the situation as best she could. Kelly had never been one to sit on the sidelines. When she didn’t like something, she changed it. Or tried to, anyway. Buzz supposed her take-no-prisoners attitude was one of the factors that had led up to their divorce. She hadn’t been able to change him.
Not that Buzz was the most flexible man in the world. He wasn’t.
He thought about Eddie and wondered how in God’s name he was supposed to be a father. He didn’t know the first thing about fatherhood. It wasn’t like he’d ever had a role model. Russell Malone had done most of his talking with his fists. What the hell kind of father would Buzz make? How did a man go from childless divorcé to having a young son with a sexy-as-sin mother he’d never managed to get out of his system?
They ate in silence for a few minutes, the only sound coming from the strong north wind hissing through the pines above.
“Tell me about Eddie,” Buzz said after a moment.
Kelly looked over at him as if the question had startled her. “What do you want to know?”
“Well, what’s he like?”
She smiled, but it was fringed with a deep sadness. Buzz had forgotten how pretty she was when she smiled. She hadn’t exactly had a lot to smile about in the last hours. But even sad and tired and unhappy as she was, he could still feel the power of her smile tugging at him.
“He’s sweet and smart and incredibly intuitive for such a little guy.” Her smile deepened. “He likes Matchbox cars and Labrador retrievers, and he wants to be a race-car driver when he grows up. He likes Little League. Shortstop. He hates carrots. Loves rocky road ice cream.” Tears shimmered in her eyes when she looked over at Buzz. “He’s got freckles on his nose. A mole just behind his ear. A wart on his left thumb. I cut his hair a couple of weeks ago and his bangs are crooked.” A breath shuddered out of her. “He’s a world-class snuggler. He likes to get in bed with me on Saturday morning and turn on the television. We snuggle and eat Cap’n Crunch and watch cartoons with Brandy, our dog.”