He nodded and then looked out at the ocean again. “If you’re sure.”
“Of course,” I said, at first thinking he meant the heater, but then realizing he was talking about himself. I dipped my head again until my nose brushed against North’s jacket. “If you want to.”
“I do want to,” he said, although his voice was soft, distant.
He continued staring out at the water, not saying anything else.
Unsure, I leaned into him, worried, waiting.
He opened up then, moving his arm back around my shoulders, leaning against me while he stared out into the darkness. “If you think you might sleep, we can try going back. Just for tonight, we’ll sleep in the big tent.”
I wanted him to be able to sleep, and I thought I’d have an easier time of it since we had been able to talk. I still needed to let one of the others know and to pass the word along, what was happening and why. But that could wait for morning.
He stood up and reached for me. I put my hand in his.
I thought we’d start toward the tent, but Kota continued to stand still and looked at me. It had been an intense conversation, and I sensed there was more that he wanted to say. I was terrified of doing something wrong at this point, so didn’t want to ask. So much had happened and deep down I knew we weren’t really being open about what we were thinking.
Was he going to say something now? I waited, holding my breath.
“Ready?” was all he asked.
I shrugged and nodded, unsure of what else to do or say.
Afraid to break this truce we’d found where both of us swallowed back our unspoken feelings.
THE ACADEMY, INSIDE
I didn’t wake up the next morning until Kota was shaking me hard.
“Sang,” he called from above me. “I can’t let you sleep in anymore. We’ll be late.”
Late? For school? Once I’d finally fallen asleep, I’d slept deeply and couldn’t remember anything. I sat up quickly, trying to figure out where my clothes were and what we were late for.
The shock of cold as he unzipped my sleeping bag woke me quickly. The sun streaming through the mesh windows reminded me where I was. But as I looked around, I noticed the tent was empty, except for Kota and me. Cots were made up, things were put away. I didn’t hear any shuffling outside.
“Am I late?” I rubbed my eyes.
“No,” he said. He sat down on the cot we’d shared the night before. He reached for my leg and rubbed my knee. He wore another green sweater and jeans and without a coat. “I wanted you to get a few more hours’ sleep. The others have been up finishing the map and making copies for everyone else. Some other teams have already started to arrive.”
Other teams. Would I appear lazy after having slept in so much? “Sorry,” I said as I stood, wavering on an uneven patch of ground.
Kota grabbed my elbows, steadying me. Grateful, I looked up at him. That was when I noticed the dog tag he wore around his neck, the one engraved with the heart curve formula that I’d given him. I’d never seen him wear it until now.
“Calm down,” he said with a smile. His eyes were clear, the green bright. When I was steady, he slowly shifted his palms up my arms to my neck and massaged. “What do you need, sweetie?”
My eyebrows lifted as I thought of where to start. “Clothes...I guess.”
“I’ll get them,” he said, still holding me for a moment. “Just stand here. Do you want your bathroom kit?”
I nodded.
He released me slowly and then turned to a small collection of items in the corner of the tent. I recognized the pink camping gear, the stereo and other items from my broken tent.
He found clothes and then the kit, and pulled them from the collection, along with a towel. Then he plucked out my coat and a pair of boots. “You might wear these just over to the latrine,” he said. “It’s getting a little warmer today.”
I listened, but I wasn’t completely paying attention to what he was saying. I was much more interested in his movements, at the way he smiled and how his features were all lit up. “Did something happen?” I asked.
“Happen?” One of his brown eyebrows cocked as he turned to me. He put down most of the things on the cot so he could hold the coat open for me. “No, nothing in particular. I saved you some breakfast. I hope you like oatmeal.”
I shrugged. “I’ve never had oatmeal,” I said, sliding my arms into the coat.
“Really?” he said, and his smile lifted more. He picked up one of my boots to help me get into them. “You’ll have to let me know if you like it.”
“Okay.”
When I turned to pick up the items to go to the latrine, he scooped them up quickly. “It’s okay. I’ve got these. I’ll walk you over.”
I bit my lower lip. I was glad he was so happy, but also curious. He had been so gloomy this last week, worried about me. Even yesterday, when we were walking back to the tent, he seemed a little on edge. What had changed?
Did he figure out a solution to keeping me on the team with the Academy? Maybe he had an answer now.
I tried not to think too much on it, but I couldn’t help but let his happy nature affect me. As we stepped out of the tent and walked to the latrine, I held his elbow as he carried my things. I didn’t say anything, but studied the clear blue sky, and checked the surroundings for signs of other teams.
I didn’t see anyone at all until we got close to the latrines.
Then I heard the very distinct sound of showers running.
I stopped dead just as Kota passed me my things to go inside the girl’s restroom.
He paused in his movements, stopped, turned his head to the latrine and then looked again at me. “It’s probably just Taylor and the others in there. Or another team. Don’t worry. It’s just Academy people right now. No one else is here. No need to be afraid.”
I hadn’t even thought about who might be in the bathroom. The shower was loud, echoey, unavoidable.
I don’t have to go into the shower, I repeated to myself. I didn’t have to go anywhere near the shower this week and Kota and the others wouldn't even notice. I’d wash my hair in the sink at some point.
I held my things against my body, leaving Kota outside as I entered.
I couldn’t see who was in the shower, but April, the girl who had worn brown yesterday, was at one of the sinks, brushing her teeth. She wore brown again today: a long skirt with boots and a sweater. She gave me a quick wave and turned back to her sink to spit. “Morning,” she mumbled. She stood up straight and wiped her face with her towel. “Up late?”
I nodded and then swallowed. I had to make an effort to get along. “Yeah,” I said, although then I didn’t know what else to say.
I headed to one of the stalls and hung up my things on the hook before using the toilet and then changing. I wanted to finish up quickly and get back out to Kota. I smelled fruity shampoo, and the overpowering the dank damp of the latrine.
The shower turned off and then I heard Taylor’s voice. “If I were concerned about the boys being perverts, I’d be worried about this bare window in here,” she said. “This is an awesome camp shower, though.”
“For now,” April said, and I heard the scratch and swish of a hairbrush. “Wait until there’s a hundred girls in here this weekend. There’s only two latrines, and the other one is over near where the campers are, and that’s a good long walk.” Pause. “Uh...what’s your name...sorry? Sang, right?”
“Yeah?” I called, surprised she was talking to me.
“Did you want a shower?”
No. But did I want to sound like I was gross and wouldn’t shower? How was I going to get through a week of not using a shower? “I...”
“I wouldn’t take one right now. I’m pretty sure I used up all that hot water,” Taylor said.
“Darn it, Taylor. You can’t do that this week.”
That might be my answer. If I made sure to come in later in the morning, I could say there was no hot water left and had
to wash up in the sink. I finished up, dressing quickly.
When I left the stall, wearing the clothes Kota had picked out for me—jeans, a pink sweater, and boots that were fuzzy on the inside—April was leaning against one of the sinks, cleaning her brown glasses with a wipe. Taylor had come out and was wearing tight jeans and a long gray sweater that was bulky and covered her butt, and a fuzzy pair of boots. She focused on the mirror, leaning over the sink, brushing her teeth. Even without makeup, she was still very pretty. She had supplies surrounding her, taking up her sink and the sink next to her.
One of the two girls was wearing some sort of flowery, potpourri-like scent that was a little overpowering. I suspected April since Taylor had just washed. I went one sink away from Taylor’s.
I thought of Gabriel, and missed his expertise and wished he was there to brush my hair and even make his little demands about my clip.
I started washing my hands and face, thinking if I took long enough, Taylor would finish and then the girls would leave.
However, when Taylor finished tying her brown hair back into a ponytail and swiping on lip gloss, she just stopped and looked at me. She seemed to be waiting for something. “Going to walk with us?” she said.
“Uh, I think Kota’s waiting for me,” I said, giving her what I hoped was a nice smile. “If you’d like to go ahead...”
“Is he outside?” Taylor asked and then grinned, putting her tube of gloss away before she headed to the door. “Let me tell him to go away. We’ll take you.”
I gritted my teeth. I didn’t really want to go with them, but I was also supposed to be getting along with them. I hoped Kota insisted on staying with me.
April and Taylor went to the bathroom door. I couldn’t see out beyond them to Kota. When Taylor started talking, hers and Kota’s voices were drowned out by my running tap. I shut it off quickly.
“...don’t need to worry,” Taylor was saying. “We’ll make sure she gets there.”
“It’s not that,” Kota said. “She...hasn’t had breakfast yet. And then...”
“We’ve got leftovers,” April said. “Our camp’s on the way to yours.”
“And her coffee,” he said.
“We went and got more of those yesterday,” Taylor said. “To replace the ones I took from you all, and for myself. I forgot how much I liked those. They’re super easy compared to trying to make coffee out here, anyway.”
“It’s okay,” April said. “We’ll take care of her. We’re going to the same place anyway.”
Say no, I tried to yell at Kota without saying anything.
Maybe I wasn’t being as flexible as I should be around other Academy people. Last night, I’d never really gave the girls a chance. I couldn’t continue to do that if I was here to prove, in some way, that I wanted to be in the Academy. Mr. Blackbourne had said to get along with them. Reluctantly, I bit my tongue and waited.
Maybe Kota realized this as well, because slowly, he sounded like he was beginning to relent. “Well...she...if...tell her...”
“We’ll tell her you’ll be there,” April said. “We know. Don’t worry. She’ll be safe with us.”
April turned back toward me, but Taylor lingered in the door, whispering something to Kota.
Don’t leave, I said in my head as I turned from April and looked into the mirror, a hair brush in my hand, hair half detangled. Despite knowing what I should do, it was very hard to do it. There was nothing wrong with April or with Taylor, or the others. I just wanted...my team.
I sucked in some air, seeking out the calmness that Kota had tried to instill in me earlier. I needed to be braver than ever this week.
Tonight, I’d be in a tent with just him. I could look forward to that. As long as I had time in the evening to relax with people I was familiar with, this might not be any different than a normal school week.
Or so I hoped.
♥♥♥
I finished getting ready, clipping my hair back away from my face.
“We almost match,” Taylor said, and then showed me her boots: black with gray fuzz at the top. “April won’t let me get her more fashionable clothes like this.”
Gabriel usually picked out my clothes and what to wear. I wanted to tell the girls this, to let them know how great he was, but I didn’t know how to say it. I missed him, despite our fight the night before. Now that it was morning, I still wanted to talk to him about breaking my tent, but I also wanted to say I was sorry for not listening when he was trying to keep me safe.
Taylor shuffled her boots against the concrete floor as she walked. “I just hope they won’t get full of sand.”
“I just assume all of our stuff will need to be replaced after this week,” April said and then sighed. “It’s why I said to bring old clothes along. I wish you’d let me shop for you at the Goodwill.”
“They never have anything fashionable or in my size, otherwise I would.”
When we left the latrine, as I’d feared, Kota was gone.
I pressed my lips together. I’d hoped he’d linger. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, squeezing my clothes and kit to my chest as I fell in behind the girls.
Just walk to wherever we are going, I told myself. I’ll be fine.
As we walked to their camp, I paused. “Oh,” I said, looking down at the things in my arms. “I should...take this back to our tent.” It was a good reason to go back to camp, and maybe I’d see one of the guys there.
“Our tent?” April asked and then paused in the road. “Didn’t you have your own tent?”
I grimaced. “Well, it sort of broke last night and I...”
“Oh, well then you can stay with us if you want,” she said. “We’ve got room.”
“No, it’s okay. Kota was going to get another one.”
“He doesn’t need to do that,” April said. “We’ve got more than enough room.”
Taylor smirked. “You know he likes you, right? I asked him and he told me he does.”
My cheeks had already been burning but now felt like they’d lit up in flames. I looked down at the road. “I...” What could I say to that?
What would they say of me if they ever learned about the others? That I’d kissed two of them last night before climbing into Kota’s sleeping bag? They wouldn’t be able to understand.
The fact that I couldn’t say anything about it made me question what we were doing. Were we wrong to try the plan?
“Don’t worry,” April said, waving her hand through the air. “And never mind the crush right now. We’ve got things to do. You’re new and most likely they’ll stick you in a tent with other new girls. But you can stay with us if you prefer.”
My mouth opened. “I don’t...need to.”
“No, it’s okay,” April said. She turned to walk toward their camp again. “You won’t be the only one who shows up without a team. Sometimes you just know your group from the start and that’s all you know. If you come into the Academy without a prior group, you get put with other people who don’t have one already. It all works out in the end.”
She assumed Kota and the others weren’t my team, but that I was a straggler looking to join. “...Oh,” I said. The guys never told me new people were put into random teams until they found one for them, but then, had they formed their group before they joined the Academy? It was Dr. Green and Mr. Blackbourne who had sought out Kota, Nathan, and the others, bringing them into an already formed team.
And then I remembered that Dr. Green and Mr. Blackbourne had been put into a team together. They’d said so. That’s how they’d started. I wondered what other teams they might have been a part of prior to finding each other.
April headed into a campsite where there was a large tent, similar to the one North had set up, but this one was a shade of brown.
April walked over to it and opened the flap, showing me the inside. There were three cots lined up around the walls. Since it was only the three, their tent had more room in the center, but it was filled with small chai
rs and on top of the chairs, were three suitcases, identical brown.
The potpourri scent was strong here, as was the smell of other perfumes: sharp fruits and flowers, fighting the natural scents of pine trees and the ocean outside.
I couldn’t sleep here. I’d suffocate.
“Just put your stuff on the cot,” she said.
I entered and placed my sleeping clothes and the bathroom kit on the nearby cot. I was reluctant to leave my things; I didn’t want them to pick up the strong perfume scent. “I can come back...”
“I’ll make sure your stuff gets put in whichever tent you end up in.” April poked at her temple through her long brown hair. “I think of these things.”
“Thank you,” I said. What else could I say? I had to be polite.
We emerged from the tent and I watched Taylor, who had wandered off toward a brown, old Jeep Cherokee. She opened the back to reveal a cooler inside. She opened it and pulled out two bottles: Coffee Frappuccinos. I followed April over and Taylor handed a coffee to me.
They were different from the ones the boys normally bought for me. I looked at the light brown label. “I haven’t seen these,” I said. “Coffee flavored coffee?”
“It’s just coffee without all the flavor,” she said. She reached further into the back of the Cherokee, and pulled out an aluminum foil packet, handing it to me. “April makes us easy to-go food.”
I tucked the coffee under my arm and took the packet from her hand, feeling the contents. “A burrito?”
“It is,” she said. “Don’t worry. It’s vegan.”
I tilted my head toward April in a silent thank you and then forced a tight smile. Vegan what?
“Eat on the way,” she said. She and Taylor headed toward the road.
On the way to what? And where was their other teammate? My only hope that wherever we were going, Kota and the others would be there.
I did my best to balance the coffee while I walked and tried to open up the burrito. For some reason, I was thinking potatoes, maybe eggs... No, she’d said it was vegan; do vegans eat fake eggs? What’s even in fake eggs?