I could feel his heart beating, and I could hear it, pounding. I even swore I could smell him, just him. The world seemed to spin and fade, and I drifted in and out, and that voice kept saying that something was wrong, something was very wrong, but I didn't care.
One minute we were sitting up, making out. The next we were lying on the roof, and I was on top of him, and I didn't know how I got there. I was kissing him and then, all of a sudden, I wasn't. He was holding my face in his hands, poised above his, as he panted softly, his pupils so huge I could drown in them.
"Hate to ask," he said, struggling for breath. "How much did you drink?"
"Nothing. Just Coke."
"Oh."
He held me there another moment, searching my gaze, his breath coming in soft puffs, fingers in my hair, looking like he was struggling to hold me there, away from him. I strained against his hands, and he said, "Okay," hesitantly, like he wasn't sure it was okay. Then he kissed me again deep and hard, like he didn't care if it was okay.
Only it wasn't the same now. His hesitation kept playing in my head, and that little voice got louder until finally I heard myself saying it aloud, "Something's wrong."
"It's all right," he murmured. "I won't try anything. Just this, okay?" His mouth lowered to mine. "Just this."
He kissed me, and I realized he was on top of me now and I didn't remember that happening. I pulled away, saying louder, "Something's wrong." He blinked, hard, like he was clearing his head, and I was suddenly really aware of him, on top of me, holding me down and I panicked, struggling up so fast my elbow caught him in the chin, and he fell back.
I looked around. Everything was hazy. I struggled to my feet, blinking hard, feeling like I'd just stepped off a merry-go-round.
"Maya?"
Rafe's voice seemed distant and distorted and I said again, "Something's wrong," but the words came out mumbled and thick.
I looked down at my empty Coke glass. I remembered Rafe handing it to me at the sofa. Remembered him offering to carry it.
"Oh God," I whispered.
He stepped toward me. I stumbled back, and he lunged to grab me, calling "Maya!" as I scrambled down the roof. The world kept spinning and I couldn't focus, couldn't think, could only see Rafe coming at me, lips parted in words I didn't hear. I inched back until I was at the edge. Then I crouched and jumped and as I did, I realized what I'd done, saw the ground rushing up and then--
Thump. I landed in a crouch, gasping as pain slammed through my legs. I blinked hard, certain I was hallucinating. I couldn't possibly have leaped off a two-story roof and landed on my feet. I heard a shout and saw Rafe dangling over the edge. He hit the ground and turned toward me. My heart jammed into my throat and I stumbled back, saying, "No!"
"Maya?"
Sam jogged around the corner. I stepped toward her, but my legs wouldn't hold me and I went down, landing on all fours, hearing the thump of running feet from both sides, Rafe and Sam.
"Stay away from her," Sam said, then yelled. "Daniel!"
"I didn't--" Rafe began. "Whatever happened, it wasn't me."
More running footsteps. Heavy. Daniel.
"Maya?" The footsteps picked up speed. "What's going--?"
"My drink," I whispered as Sam crouched beside me. "Something in my drink."
A bone-crunching crack. Then a thump as Rafe hit the ground beside me. I scrambled back. Nicole helped me to my feet, and pulled me out of the way as Daniel bore down on Rafe, his face livid.
"Get up," Daniel said.
Rafe stayed down, lifting his hands. "If Maya's been dosed--"
"If? If? Are you saying she's faking it?"
"No. Obviously something happened. I mean maybe her drink was spiked. But I had nothing to--"
"Get up!"
Rafe didn't. Sam stepped behind him, blocking his escape.
"Go ahead," Sam said. "Stomp him."
Daniel continued forward. "Get up, you son of a bitch."
"Screw that," Sam said. "Hell, if he does get up, I'll hold him for you."
"Stay out of this," Daniel said.
"Just leave him," I said, my voice still thick, the world still tilting. "Let him go."
Daniel didn't seem to hear me and kept bearing down on Rafe. I staggered forward to stop him, but now it was Corey taking my arm and pulling me back.
"Daniel," I said. "Don't--"
Branches crackled. A blur burst from the forest. It charged so fast all I could see was that blur. Then it jumped between Rafe and Daniel.
A cougar. Not Marv or the new tom, but a female, planted between them, facing Daniel, lips curled back. She let out a snarl. I jerked forward. Corey caught me and held my arm.
I'm not exactly sure what happened next. I faded again, everything sliding in and out of focus, no matter how hard I struggled to stay alert, heart pounding at seeing that cougar so close to Daniel, the house and safety too far away.
I remember the cat snarling. I remember Daniel backing up. And I remember Rafe, lying on the ground, saying, "It's okay. It's okay," over and over in this calm voice, completely calm, like he didn't even see the cougar. The cat backed up, getting closer and closer to Rafe and he didn't move a muscle and I remember thinking, "She's protecting him," which was crazy, but that's what I thought.
Then the world blinked, and my legs gave way. As I went down, Daniel ran toward me, and I opened my mouth to shout for him not to turn his back on the cat, but she was already twisting away.
I don't remember anything else.
No, that's a lie. I remember one more thing. I remember the cougar turning away and I remember what I saw on her flank. A dark patch of fur in the shape of a paw print.
FIFTEEN
I BLACKED OUT AFTER that. I came to a few minutes later, but the rest of the night is fuzzy. I couldn't seem to stay awake and kept drifting off.
Someone had dosed my drink, and everyone was sure who'd done it. Everyone except me.
I kept replaying the evening. Rafe had handled my drink. More than once. He'd been the one to suggest we go someplace quieter to talk. He'd been the one to suggest we go outside. So he was the obvious choice.
Except that once he'd gotten me alone, he'd done what he promised--talked. I'd kissed him first. He'd made sure it was okay before continuing. He'd asked how much I'd had to drink. He'd hesitated. And maybe that was all part of the setup, so later if I regretted what happened, he could say that I'd taken the lead and he'd just followed.
Maybe he did do it. I wasn't ruling that out. I wasn't sure I believed it, though, certainly not enough to call Chief Carling, which is what Daniel wanted to do.
It was strange. I remember sitting there, talking, but it was like I was watching someone else saying things I'd never say. I didn't defend Rafe. But I wouldn't let them call Chief Carling or even my parents. If it had been anyone else sitting there, I'd have been the one leading the charge, insisting the victim take action.
Two years ago, a summer guy--a grown-up--had cornered Nicole in the woods, and if Serena and I hadn't found them and scared the guy off, I'm sure she would have been raped. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone. I'd talked her into it, then escorted her to Chief Carling and sat with her while she told her parents. Now, having her there, listening to me refuse to report it ... It felt wrong.
But reporting it felt even more wrong. If I accused Rafe, they'd find out about Annie. If Rafe had done it, then I would have to tell someone, because he might do it again to another girl, but if I wasn't totally sure it was him ... I couldn't say anything unless I was sure.
I was in no condition to make a decision. I had witnesses, so it wouldn't matter much if I reported it now or in the morning. I wanted the night to think about it. Daniel wasn't happy with that, but he finally agreed, and I called my dad to come and get me.
I dreamed of the cougar. I kept seeing that mark on her flank. Kept seeing her in front of me, looking at me, and I was mesmerized by her eyes. Then it wasn't her eyes at all, but Rafe's, looking into mine
as I kissed him. Then we weren't kissing, we were scaling the climbing wall. Then it wasn't the wall, but the roof, climbing across the roof, jumping off the roof, flowing back and forth, the roof and the wall, flipping between them until both were gone and I was back in the dream of two nights before, that amazing run.
This time, I wasn't alone. Rafe was beside me, and as we ran, a subtle shift brought me lower and lower, until I wasn't running on two legs but on four. I looked down at the ground blurring beneath me. Beneath my paws.
I jolted upright in bed, gasping for air, heart pounding so hard it hurt.
Yee naaldlooshii.
I knew that word. As I sat there, doubled over, panting and shaking, I kept hearing it over and over, and I felt that I knew it. Somewhere, somehow I knew it.
When I caught my breath, the feeling passed. Of course I knew it. I'd heard the old woman say it and hadn't been able to forget it.
Look it up.
How?
My gaze shifted to my laptop. I shook my head. There's a reason the U.S. Army had used Navajo for codes in WWII--because it was almost impossible for anyone to decipher. I knew about a half-dozen words and struggled with them. I had no chance of spelling this one right.
Try.
"No."
I said the word aloud, startling myself. My heart pounded again. My hands trembled as I clutched the covers.
Afraid of a word? How stupid was that? I was just stressed out from the party and the dreams, and it was too late to fire up my laptop. Our connection out here sucked anyway. I would look it up tomorrow, at Daniel's place. Having him there would help put it in perspective.
That settled, I laid back down and fell back to sleep ... right into a fresh dream.
This time, I saw the cougar again, the one with the mark on her flank. Only she was chasing me. I ran through the forest, trying to get away. She was right behind me. Then I heard Rafe, his voice echoing through the forest.
"Maya, stop!" he shouted. "Don't run. It won't help."
I kept running.
"Please!" he yelled. "You're only making it worse. Stop running away. You can't run away. Accept it."
Accept death? Never. I ignored him and ran until my lungs burned, and still the cat was right on my heels, one leap away from ending my life.
Finally I saw my salvation. The lake. As I raced up the rocks, Rafe shouted to me again. I saw him, across the water, motioning and yelling.
"Maya, don't! Please. Listen to me. Whatever you do, don't jump--"
I jumped.
Icy water closed over my head. I pushed to the surface and swam, not stopping until I was in the middle of the lake. Treading water, I looked around. The cougar was back on the rocks, pacing and yowling. Rafe was on the other side.
"Get out, Maya! This doesn't help. It isn't safe."
I ignored him. This was safe. This--
Fingers closed around my ankle and yanked me under. I fought, but a hand grabbed my other leg and I kept going down, gulping water as I screamed. I could hear Rafe's voice, faint and distorted as he shouted, and I could hear the cat screaming, her cries blending with my own.
As the hands pulled me down, I realized what he'd been telling me. Stop running away from the truth. The truth that followed me everywhere, like the cat--
I woke up gasping and sputtering, still feeling icy water filling my lungs. I hacked and coughed until Mom came to my door. I told her not to worry, I was fine--and huddled under the covers until she was convinced.
I threw off the blanket as soon as she was gone and lay there, nightshirt pulled up around my midriff as I panted. Even the remembered chill of the water wasn't enough to cool me as my heart raced.
A dream. Just a crazy dream, merging the experiences of the night--the cougar and Rafe--with the issue I'd been trying to avoid all day. Serena's death.
When she died, I told myself I'd find out what happened. In the year since, what had I done? Sat around and grieved, and waited for the answer to drop from the skies.
Her death had been ruled an accident. No one was looking for another explanation. No one wanted to look. Did that include me? Was that what the dream really meant--my conscience telling me to stop hiding from her death and do something about it?
Brendan said Mina Lee had asked about Serena. She must really have checked out Salmon Creek to know a teenager died here last year. If she was investigating the medical research, did she think it had something to do with Serena? That seemed like grasping at straws, but it might mean she'd looked at the circumstances surrounding Serena's death and seen possibilities no one here had.
I needed to talk to her. I wished I hadn't given away her card. Still, it wasn't like she'd refuse to speak to me. I just needed to find out where she was staying. I'm sure Corey could get that from his mother.
With that solved, I relaxed enough to drift off and I stayed asleep until past ten. Even on Sundays I can't do the sleep-until-noon thing because of the animals. I'm usually up before nine, but my alarm didn't ring, which meant my dad must have turned it off and fed the animals for me.
I took my time getting up. Although I'd decided what to do about Serena, I hadn't made any decisions about being dosed last night. I should tell my parents. If anyone else was in my situation, I'd insist on it, badger her until she did, but if I told them and said "I don't know who did it," then I couldn't come back later and accuse Rafe.
But how was I going to decide whether or not to accuse Rafe? Break into his cabin and search for drugs? He wasn't stupid. He'd have gotten rid of the evidence.
I thought about it while I showered and dressed, and I was still thinking about it when Mom knocked.
"Someone's here to see you," she said as she came in.
I hoped it was Daniel--I really needed to talk to him. But Mom wouldn't call Daniel "someone."
I remembered what Brendan said about Mina Lee wanting to talk to me. Please let it be her. "Is it a woman?"
"No. It's the new boy. Rafael."
Mom said it slowly and had this weird look on her face, kind of concerned, and I wondered if she'd heard that I invited him to the party. I wouldn't doubt it, the way gossip travels in this town. If she had, then she'd have thought it was just me leading the charge to make the new guy feel welcome. But if he was here on a Sunday morning, maybe it was more than that, and if so, why hadn't I mentioned him?
All I could think was "Rafe's here. Oh God, what is he doing here?" My heart pounded and it felt like terror but it felt like excitement, too, and that scared me even more.
"Maya?"
"I suppose it's about the party." Which was the truth. "Just give me a sec to brush my hair."
SIXTEEN
MOM SAYS THAT WHEN she was little, her grandmother used to brush her hair a hundred strokes to make it shine. Well, if that works, my hair must have been blinding by the time I finally got downstairs.
I wished I was someone who could say "I'm not feeling well" and hide out in my room. But I had to face him.
As I went down those steps, I was angry and confused, and outraged that he'd show up at my house. But it wasn't anger making my heart race. I kept thinking of the dreams and thinking of last night and thinking of how he'd made me feel. That scared me because I needed to be totally objective about this.
I found Rafe in the living room, looking out the front windows, hands stuffed in his pockets. His hair looked like it'd been finger combed and could probably use a wash. He wore the same clothes as last night.
He didn't do it. He isn't guilty.
No, I just didn't want him to be guilty.
I stepped into the room. His head tilted, as if he'd heard me and he turned. He saw me there and he stepped forward with a spark in his eyes that made my insides flip and an inner voice scream, "I can't do this!"
The smile disappeared fast, gaze dipping as he mumbled, "Hey."
"You wanted to talk to me?"
He nodded. "Can we ...?" He looked around and I knew he was going to say "Can we go somewhere
and talk?" then realized how that would sound, under the circumstances.
"We can step out on the porch," I said, then called. "Mom? We're on the back deck. Is Dad out there?"
"Somewhere."
Rafe nodded. He got the message. When I whistled for Kenjii after we went outside, I was probably overdoing it, but I wasn't taking any chances.
We sat on the edge of the deck. Kenjii tried positioning herself between us, but that was a bit much so I nudged her down. She sat at my feet, watching Rafe. I almost hoped she'd growl at him or give some sign that she distrusted him. She didn't.
I was about to speak when a yowl cut me off. Rafe jumped. I looked up to see Fitz in his favorite tree, staring at me, yellow eyes slitted, like I'd been the one who'd put him up there.
"Hold on," I said.
I walked toward the tree. Seeing Fitz, Rafe swung into my path.
"That's a lynx," he said.
"No, it's a bobcat, and he's going to keep yowling until I get him out of that tree."
"Get him out?" Rafe said. "I really don't think--"
"It's okay."
I grabbed the lowest branch and swung up. When I glanced down, Rafe had his hands on the limb, like he was ready to follow.
"Stand back," I said. "He doesn't like strangers."
"So he's a pet?"
"I don't keep wild animals." Which was true.
Rafe stood there, gripping the tree. "Maya, I really don't think--"
"I'm serious. Unless you like the ripped look for that jacket, get out of the way."
I shimmied along Fitz's branch. Rafe climbed onto the bottom limb and stood.
"Maya, seriously. Don't--"
I grabbed Fitz. He harrumphed, giving me hell for taking so long. I hefted him up, which is not easy with a twenty-pound cat. Then, holding him by the scruff of the neck, I lowered him toward Rafe. Fitz's three legs shot out, claws extended. He spit and snarled.
Rafe backed up fast. Then he looked at me, crouched on the branch, holding a spitting, three-legged bobcat. And he laughed. Laughed so loud that Fitz let out a chirp of surprise and started struggling. I leaned down as far as I could and dropped him onto Rafe's branch.