impossible. Someone has removed my wife. My God, I amannoyed.”
SHE KNEW HIS MERITS
Her son had enlisted, and she was a proud old woman as she harangueda knot of friends on the village street. “Jarge always done ’is dutyby me, ’e did, an’ now ’e’s doin’ ’is duty by King an’ country,”she said. “I feel right down sorry for them Germans, to think of ’imgoin’ into battle with ’is rifle in ’is ’and and ‘It’s a Long Way toTipperary’ on ’is lips.”
“Poor Germans, indeed!” exclaimed one of the audience. “Pity’s wastedon ’em! P’r’aps you ’aven’t ’eard of their cruelties?”
“P’r’aps I ’aven’t,” agreed the old lady. “An’ p’raps you ’aven’t ’eardJarge sing.”
CENSORING THE CLOUDS
Rural Constable—“Sketching the harbor is forbidden, sir.”
Artist—“Oh, that’s all right. I’m making a study of clouds.”
Rural Constable (impressively)—“Ah, but supposin’ your picture got intothe hands of the enemy’s aircraft department, see the use they couldmake of it!”—_Punch._
IT CAN’T BE DONE
All this talk of hyphenated citizenship has evidently had its effectupon a San Francisco youngster, American-born, who recently rebelledfiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.
“But, Tommaso, your father has a right to whip you when you are bad,”someone of the family said.
Tommaso’s eyes flashed. “I am a citizen of the United States,” hedeclared. “Do you think I am going to let any foreigner lick me?”
A TWO-BIT HERO
“I’m going to decorate you for bravery, Mr. Wadleigh. Put this Frenchwar-orphan medal on your coat.”
“But I haven’t performed any deed of heroism.”
“But you will when you give up twenty-five cents.”
ONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVE
“Can you tell me,” said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, underexamination at Union Hill, N.J., as to his qualifications forcitizenship, “the difference between the powers and prerogatives of theKing of England and those of the President of the United States?”
“Yezzir,” spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. “King, he got steady job.”
HOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONED
One of the good stories in circulation is told by Joe Tumulty,secretary to the President. He likes his job, but he dislikes one thingabout it: that he can’t tell the boys—the friendly reporters—about allthey wish to know. He illustrated his inability to give informationonce by quoting the case of Johnny.
Johnny was crying in the hall as his mother came along, hatted andcoated. She asked what had happened.
“You are going away; and so is papa!” Johnny sobbed.
“Why, child, I shall be away two or three days, but father is not goingaway!”
“Yes, he is!” cried Johnny. “He’s going to Rome.”
“Rome? What do you mean, dear?” asked the surprised mother.
“He said today to Mr. Brown that he would make Rome howl when you left!”
“Indeed! Well, dear, I sha’n’t leave you now.”
AND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICE
A torpedo with a corkscrew course has been observed. If it misses theport side it turns and strikes the starboard; sometimes on missingthere it even turns again, striking the port side. The ship’s officerunaccountably omitted to add that after the explosion the fragmentsreunite and return to the submarine as a complete missile ready to befired anew.—_New York Sun._
LESS METERS, LESS GAS
John—“The French have gained four hundred meters from the enemy.”
Auntie—“How splendid! That should help to put a stop to those dreadfulgas-attacks!”
YOU KNOW THAT PAPER
First War Correspondent—“Did your dispatch get past the censor?”
Second War Correspondent—“Only the part that wasn’t true.”
“Well, isn’t that all your paper wants?”—_Life._
CHANCE TO GET EVEN
“Footlyte actually seemed pleased at leaving a $300-per-week theatricalengagement to serve as a $30-per-month sergeant in France.”
“Why not? Three dramatic critics are privates in his company.”
THE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916
“Before I left the United States,” said Col. George Harvey in London,“I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant power inmen and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a strongerargument—one which fell from the lips of a recruiting sergeant in theStrand yesterday.
“‘Don’t you want to be on the winning side?’ said the soldier to agroup of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki.
“‘How do you know ours will be the winning side?’ asked a prospectiverecruit.
“‘Well, my lad,’ said the sergeant, ‘you know the Germans have beentrying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don’tyou?’
“‘Yes,’ replied the questioner.
“‘Well, then, we’ve been trying to lose during the same period and wecouldn’t.’”
CAUSE FOR REJOICING
As the regiment was leaving, and a crowd cheering, a recruit asked:“Who are all those people who are cheering?”
“They,” replied the veteran, “are the people who are not going.”—_Life._
BUT NOT THIS TIME
Officer (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as abugler, has given his age as sixteen)—“Do you know where boys go whotell lies?”
Applicant—“To the front, sir.”
EVIDENCE OF REFINEMENT
Two fair munition workers were discussing their personal affairs.
“Got a chap yet, Liz?” inquired one.
“Yes; and he’s a regular toff. He’s manager at ——.”
“You don’t say so! Why, they tell me he’s real refined.”
“Rather! Why, he took me to a restaurant last week, and when we hadcoffee he poured it into a saucer to cool it, but he didn’t blow itlike common people would—he fanned it with his hat!”
EVENING THINGS UP
A farmer the other day took a plowshare to the blacksmith’s to besharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled andbragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.
“Them hogs was only eight months old,” he said, “and none too fat,nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits’ end, and by skillfuljugglin’ I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum,I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war.”
The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.
“Hold on,” said the smith; “I charge $1.50 for that job now.”
“You scandalous rascal!” yelled the farmer. “What do you mean bytreblin’ your price on me? What have you done it for?”
“I’ve done it,” said the blacksmith, “so’s I’ll be able to eat some ofthat high-priced pork of yours this winter.”
AN INTERIOR PROBLEM
“Those Germans are certainly efficient,” said father at the breakfasttable.
“How so? How?” asked mother.
“Why,” said father, “I see they have put the whole question of the foodsupply into the hands of the Minister of the Interior.”
BEEN “GETTING UP” EVER SINCE
When Gen. Leonard Wood was a small boy he was called up in the grammarclass.
The teacher said: “Leonard, give me a sentence and we’ll see if we canchange it to the imperative mood.”
“The horse draws the cart,” said Leonard.
“Very good. Now change it to an imperative.”
“Get up!” said young Wood.
MERELY A WAY-STATION
“Going to France?” asked a traveling man at the station of a negrosoldier.
“No, sah! I’se not going to France,” replied the dusky soldier. “I’segoin’ to Berlin, but I may stop in France for a showt time on de way.”
OBEYING ORDERS
 
; He was a new and not very intelligent soldier, and took ArmyRegulations very seriously. He was strolling down the Strand smokinga pipe, when he was passed by a Brigadier-General. When he failed tosalute, the mighty one pulled him up.
“Why the deuce didn’t you salute me?” he roared.
“Well, sir,” replied the delinquent, secure in the consciousness of anadequate excuse, “my sergeant has always taught me never to salute witha pipe in my mouth!”
NO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTED
A party of wounded marines were being taken to a base-hospital on amuch over-crowded motor-truck. The nurse accompanying them becameanxious about their wounds.
“I hope I am not hurting any of you,” she said.
“You’re hurting me a lot,” replied one of the soldiers.
“But I am nowhere near you,” exclaimed the nurse indignantly.
“That’s what’s hurting me,” was the calm reply.
CAUSE FOR CONFIDENCE
An English private had captured a German captain. Tommy marched hisprisoner into headquarters with the air of a major-general on paradeand stood waiting for his turn to deliver over his captive.
The German captain smirked disdainfully, glanced about the tent, andhissed at Tommy, “You stupid English, you dink dat you vill vin disvar. Vell, I tell you dot you von’t, for ve haf the German Gott on ourside.”
“That’s