all right, old boy,” replied Tommy promptly, “we’ve got theYanks on ours.”
JUST GOT ON TO IT
Captain: “You say this man called you a hippopotamus four weeks ago.Why report it now?”
Sergeant: “Because I only seen a hipperpotamus for the first timeyesterday, sir!”
READY FOR ANY SNAKE
“This is no time to talk peace,” declared Representative Thomas Heflin,of Alabama. “Rather it is the time to keep on preparing. Germanydragged us into this war against our will, and now that we are in it wehave to go through with it. We can win this war in a year beyond doubt,but we have got to keep going. The United States is in pretty goodshape now, and there is no reason why we should talk peace.
“There was an old fellow down in north Alabama and out in themountains; he kept his jug in the hole of a log. He would go down atsundown to take a swig of mountain dew—mountain dew that had never beenhumiliated by a revenue officer nor insulted by a green stamp. He drankthat liquid concoction that came fresh from the heart of the corn, andhe glowed. One evening while he was letting the good liquor trickledown his throat he felt something touch his foot. He looked down andsaw a big rattlesnake coiled ready to strike.
“The old fellow took another swig of the corn, and in defiance he sweptthat snake with his eyes.
“‘Strike, dern you, strike; you will never find me better prepared.’
“That’s the way I feel about the present situation.”
DID HE GET HER MEANING?
“If you refuse to marry me I’ll enlist.”
“What a pity you did not ask me four years ago.”
IT’S THE SHELLS
Waiter—“Yes, sir; omelets has gone up on account of the war.”
Diner—“Great Scott! Are they throwing eggs at each other now?”
OFFENSIVE PREPARATIONS
German General—“Have our brave troops been informed that we shall be inParis in four days?”
Subordinate—“Yes, General.”
“They understand that the Great War was forced upon us?”
“Perfectly, General.”
“They have been told that the Americans always kill our machine gunnersif they surrender?”
“That is well understood, General.”
“They have been instructed that the few Americans opposed to us arecowardly and inexperienced?”
“Hand-bills announcing that fact are passed around each evening.”
“Then let the offensive begin.”
GETTING BACK AT HEINE
A German sergeant on the staff of a prison hospital in Germany, wherea number of captured English officers were being treated, became quitefriendly with the prisoners under his care. One day he told them thathe had been ordered to active service on the Somme front. He feltconvinced that he would be captured by the English, and asked theEnglish officers if they would not give him some sort of testimonialwhich he could show if he were taken prisoner, so he would not beill-treated.
The English officers were much amused at this idea, and concocted anote of introduction, written in English. The German sergeant knew noEnglish and could not understand his testimonial, but he tucked it inhis pocket, well satisfied.
In due time he was sent to the Somme front, and was captured by the“women from hell,” as the Germans call the Scotch kilties. He at oncepresented his note of introduction, and his captors laughed heartilywhen they read:
“This is L——. He is not a bad sort of chap. Don’t shoot him; torturehim slowly to death.”
ZOOLOGICAL MONSTROSITY
When certain soldiers from the antipodes were in New York a littlewhile ago, a woman was heard to say to another:
“There goes one of them Australians.”
“How do you know?”
“You can tell by the Kangaroo feathers in his hat.”
NOT WANTED ANYWHERE
“This can’t be hell—there are no Germans here.”
“Yes, it is; but the regular people put up such a kick, we built anannex for them.”—_Life._
THERE WAS A PAIR OF THEM
A private of a well-known regiment, who was always wanting leaveon some excuse or other, applied at the orderly room and asked hiscommanding officer if he might have a few days’ leave, as his wife wasill and had sent him a letter asking him to come at once.
But his commanding officer, getting tired of his always wanting leave,said: “This is strange, Private Cheek, as only this morning I receiveda letter from your wife, saying she did not want you to see her anymore, so hoped I would not grant you leave.”
Private Cheek—“Then I suppose I can’t have leave, sir?”
Commanding Officer—“No, you cannot.”
Private Cheek (turns as he gets to the door)—“Sir, may I complimentyou?”
Commanding Officer—“Yes, certainly; on what?”
Private Cheek—“In having two such lovely liars in the regiment, becauseI’m not married at all.”
NOT AS INTENDED
Queen Mary sent a beautiful bouquet that had been presented to herto a soldiers’ hospital. To show their appreciation, the inmatescommissioned one of their number to stand at the hospital gate thefollowing morning, holding the gift, when the queen passed. He didso—with rather unexpected results. Queen Mary, seated in her car, sawthe soldier standing there, bouquet in hand, and assuming that hewished to present it to her, she reached out and took it. After she hadthanked him, her car passed on.
The soldier stood quite dumfounded—then recovering his speech, he said:“Well, she’s pinched ’em.”
CHEERING NEWS
War Correspondent in France—“My editor seems very disappointed; whatnews can I send to cheer him up?”
Soldier—“Write and tell him you’ve been killed in action.”
WHY THIS DELAY?
Ensign Paul Perez, formerly well known to the screen, is back fromanother trip to Europe with a brand new seasick story. An amateurnavigator making his first trip across is the victim and the first dayout he was in the throes of the mal-est mal de mer extant when the shipsurgeon visited him in his stateroom.
“What’s the matter?” was the latter’s callous query.
“O-o-oh,” was the only response as the young navy man rolled over inagony.
“Come, get up,” derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. “The ship’sbeen submarined and will sink in ten minutes.”
“Ten minutes?” the sick man protested feebly. “Can’t you make it anysooner?”
PERHAPS YOU HAVE WONDERED
A doughboy is an American soldier, and American soldiers, infantrymen,artillerymen, medical department, signal corps sharps, officers and menalike, all are called doughboys. Our cartoonist is one, so is GeneralPershing.
The term “doughboys” dates back to the Civil War when army wit wasaroused by large globular brass buttons on infantry uniforms. Somebody(he must have been a sailor) dubbed the buttons “doughboys” becausethey reminded him of the boiled dumplings of raised dough served inships’ messes and known to all sailors as doughboys. Originally itreferred only to an enlisted infantryman, but the A. E. F. applies itto all branches and all grades of the service.—_The Stars and Stripes._
NO CREEDS IN WARTIME
A strict Baptist mother visited her son in one of the cantonments on arecent Sunday. She was deeply solicitous that her boy should receiveproper religious instruction.
“Is there a Baptist preacher in camp?” asked the mother. The son didnot know, but he would inquire. Yes, one was to hold a service thatafternoon and give an address in a Y. M. C. A. hut. The two went andheard an inspiring address on how Christ is always the comrade of allmen who fight for righteousness, even when they are not conscious ofhis presence.
The mother was delighted and after the service told the preacher howhappy she was that her son could hear such good Baptist doctrine.
“But, madam,” said the speaker, “I am not a Baptist; I am anEpiscopalian.”
Thus are all denomination
al lines being battered down in the camps.
BUT IT’S MEN WHO PAY THEM
“It is remarkable that so many women should be working.”
“Women have always worked,” replied Miss Cayenne. “The principaldifference just now is that they are working away from home and gettingpaid for it.”
ACQUIRING WIFELY ARTS
Harold, the only son of a wealthy widowed mother, was drafted, and dulyarrived at the camp where he was to receive instruction in the manlyart of warfare. Imagine his surprise and chagrin when he was detailedto what is known as K. P. duty (“Kitchen police” duty). In this hebecame quite proficient, however, as one of his letters shows:
“Dear Mother:—I put in this entire Christmas day washing dishes,sweeping floors, making beds and peeling potatoes. When I get home fromthis camp I’ll make some girl a mighty fine wife!”
THE NERVE OF THE COOK
One mess in the British front line was the envied of all theneighborhood units because it enjoyed fresh vegetables every day. Thecook was often asked about it. “We get them from a garden near by,” healways said. At last the supply ceased. The mess soon asked why. “We’vehad all there were,” said the cook, “except a few that were right onthe edge of the Boche trench.” Then it turned out that he had gone outevery