Armageddon should be run Are the views of Thomas Atkins as to who is going to win, And his personal opinion of the Hun. —_Punch._
BOOZE FIGHTERS
An inquisitive old lady asked a royal defense corps veteran what theletters “R. D. C.” meant.
“Reformed Drunkards’ Corps, ma’am,” he replied solemnly.
“Dear me,” she murmured, “what miracles those recruiting sergeants doperform!”
VERY PROPER ANSWER
A retired army officer tells of an army examiner who had before hima very dull candidate. The man proving, apparently, unable to makeresponse to the most simple questions, the examiner finally grewimpatient and, quite sarcastically, put this question:
“Let it be supposed that you are a captain in command of infantry. Inyour rear is an impassable abyss. On both sides of you there riseperpendicular rocks of tremendous height. In front of you lies theenemy, outnumbering you ten to one. What, sir, in such an emergency,would you do?”
“I think, sir,” said the aspirant for military distinction, “I wouldresign.”
WHAT DISCOURAGED HIM
A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw recruits, and after workinghard for three hours he thought they seemed to be getting into somesort of shape, so decided to test them.
“Right turn!” he cried. Then, before they had ceased to move, cameanother order, “Left turn!”
One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward the barracks-room.
“Here, you!” yelled the angry sergeant. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve had enough,” replied the recruit in a disgusted tone. “You don’tknow your own mind for two minutes runnin’!”
GOING SOMEWHERE
A colored soldier on the fighting front got a two days’ leave shortlyafter the signing of the armistice, and immediately prepared to makea date in the French capital. When leaving the front, however, hegot held up by a French sentry, who was unable to understand Sam’sexplanations. Sam accordingly talked louder and louder, shaking hisfist at the Frenchman, who threatened to shoot if Sam proceeded.Finally Sam said: “Looka here, boss, I got a mother in heaven, a fatherin the other place, and a sweetheart in Paris, and I’m agoin’ to seeone of ’em tonight.”
OUTRANKED IN THE KITCHEN
The son of the well-to-do family had recently joined up as a private,and was spending his Christmas leave at home.
Returning from a walk, his mother espied a figure in the kitchen withthe housemaid.
“Clarence,” she called to her son, “Mary’s got someone in the kitchen.She knows perfectly well that I don’t allow followers. I wish you’d goand tell the man to leave the house at once.”
Clarence duly departed to the kitchen, but returned in about half aminute.
“Sorry, mother, but I can’t turn him out.”
“Can’t turn him out? Why on earth not?”
“He’s my sergeant!”
SURPRISE FOR THE GERMANS
It was during the nerve racking period of waiting for the signal toattack that a seasoned old sergeant noticed a young soldier fresh fromhome visibly affected by the nearness of the coming fight. His face waspale, his teeth chattered, and his knees tried to touch each other. Itwas sheer nervousness, but the sergeant thought it was sheer funk.
“Tompkins,” he said, “is it trembling you are for your skin?”
“No, no, sergeant,” said he, making a brave attempt to still his limbs.“I’m trembling for the Germans—they don’t know I’m here.”
NO LEAD PIPE CINCH
“Conscription has, maybe, saved the country,” growled the soldier, “butwhat I object to is the company it drives a man into. I’m a plumber bytrade, an honest workman, yet I’m compelled to suffer the society ofsuch professionals as a lawyer, a minister, and an auctioneer.”
“Not a bad selection, Jock,” remarked his friend.
“O, maybe no in a way; but when the minister and the lawyer start anargument on Egyptian law in the middle o’ the nicht across half a dozenbeds, wi’ the blessed auctioneer as umpire, what chance has even aplumber of stopping the gas leak?”
SERVED HIM RIGHT!
A professor at Princeton who has taken much interest in the womansuffrage movement was persuaded to carry a banner in a wartime paradeheld in Washington.
His wife observed him marching with a dejected air and carrying hisbanner so that it hung limply on its standard, and later she reprovedhim for not making a better appearance.
“Why didn’t you march like somebody, and let the people see yourbanner?” she asked.
“Dearie,” sighed the professor, “did you see what was on that banner?It read, ‘Any man can vote. Why can’t I?’”
QUITE A CONTRAST
It’s all a matter of comparison, according to H. T. Webster, thecartoonist, who told the following as proof at a race meeting of theSalmagundi Club:
“Shrapnel shrieked all about. Bombs dropped from the sky, and every sooften a big German shell burst overhead. Suddenly one Yank burst into afit of laughter.
“‘S’matter, Buddy?’ his mate asks, fearing that he had suddenly goneinsane.
“‘I was thinkin’, Bill,’ replied the other between chuckles, ‘of therunt that held me up one night in Memphis with a 22-caliber revolver.’”
AND HOLDING IT YET
Gen. Von Spew sat in his room and studied the map. Then he rang thebell at his elbow. In came Dunderkopf, his aide-de-camp.
“Dunderkopf, glance over this map. Do you see this hill?”
“I do, Excellency.”
“That hill must be captured. Attend to the matter and let me know whenit is done.”
Twenty minutes passed and there was a knock at the door. Dunderkopfstrode in, clicked his heels together and saluted.
“I have the honor to announce, Excellency, that the hill has beencaptured.”
“Already captured! Fine, my son, fine! Who occupies it?”
“The Americans, Excellency.”
FOOLING THE COOTIES
I wrote to my brother in France, who had been in action, asking ifhe had acquired “cooties.” His reply came back, “Yes, indeed, I hadcooties. One is not a regular soldier until he does have them, but Igot rid of mine in this fashion: I sprinkled my clothes all over withsalt, then laid them down on a river bank. The cooties became verythirsty and got off the clothes to get a drink, then I pulled them awayquickly. Nine-tenths of the cooties died from mortification and theother tenth from lonesomeness.”
THIS IS A MAN
Edith Wharton, at her flat in Paris, told a war story.
“The American wounded were being brought in from the Marnebattlefield,” she said, “and a fussy American woman in a khaki uniformand Sam Browne belt bent over a stretcher and said:
“‘Is this case an officer or only a man?’
“The brawny corporal who stood beside the stretcher gave a grim laughand said:
“‘Well, lady, he ain’t no officer, but he’s been hit twice in theinnards, both legs is busted, he’s got bullets in both arms and wedropped him three times without his lettin’ out a squawk, so I guess wecan call him a man.’”
WANTED SOMETHING STATIONARY
On an American transport two days out from New York:
First Sambo, who is really enjoying the sea, to his dark companion, whohas gone below: “Nigger! Come on up! We’re passing a ship!”
Voice from below: “I don’t want to see no ship. You jes’ call me whenwe’re passing a tree!”
YET THEY FOUGHT NOBLY
Two negroes were discussing the possibilities of being drafted.
“’Tain’t gwine do ’em any good to pick on me,” said Sam. “Ah certainlyain’t gwine do any fightin’. Ah ain’t lost nothin’ oveh in France. Ahain’t got any quarrel with a-n-ybody, and dey kain’t make me fight.”
The other pondered over this statement for a moment. “Yo right,” hesaid at length; “Uncle Sam kain’t make you fight.
But he can take youwhere de fightin’ is, and after that you kin use you’ own judgment.”
PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY
During the fighting on the Aisne front one American company pushed outfar ahead and lost touch with the neighboring companies on either side.Their zeal in chasing the Germans was leading them into danger of beingenfiladed by machine gun fire from the flanks. A major stormed up tothe captain.
“Why the hell don’t you hold your men back?” he yelled.
“How the hell can I told ’em back when the whole German army can’t?”
THE QUICKER THE SOONER
“Goodness!” gasped the sergeant of the guard, sticking his head out ofthe window, “what is the man playing at?”
Private Murphy, who was on sentry go, was running as hard as he couldfrom end to end of his beat.
“Hi, Mike!” yelled the noncom, “what’s the trouble?”
“Sure, an’ there’s no trouble at all, at all,” replied Murphy, pantingas he paused in his scurry.
“Then what are you running for?”
“Well, ain’t I on duty here for two hours? I’m only trying to get metwo hours done quick!”
TRANSPORTS OF JOY
“Were you happy when you started for France?”
“Happy? We were in transports.”
WHERE