HE IS EXPERT
“So you’ve joined the Army, Mose?”
“Yes, sah.”
“What branch of the service are you in?”
“Well, sah. Ah’s in de infantry, but when we get t’ France Ah’se doneasked de captain to put me on dat night-raid wo’k. Gittin’ into deodder fellow’s backyard durin’ de night hours is a job dat ah considersmahs’l particularly experienced at.”
NO MULES IN THE AIR
American Soldier: “So you are in the aviation corps. I thought youenlisted in the cavalry?”
Gentleman of Color: “Ah dun change.”
American Soldier: “What was the reason?”
Gentleman of Color: “Wal, suh, for one thing, an aeroplane, after itthrows yo’ out, very seldom walks over an’ bites yo’.”
DEAR LITTLE BOY
He was probably the smallest “middy” in the navy, and one evening hewas invited to attend a party in the saloon. He was such a little chapthat the ladies had no idea that he was a midshipman at all, but tookhim for somebody’s “dear little boy” in a Royal Navy all-wool serge.At last one of them, on whose lap he had been sitting, and who had justkissed him, asked:
“And how old are you, little dear?”
“Twenty-two,” he said, in a voice like a foghorn. Then the lady swooned.
THEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSED
A seasoned sergeant major recently was horrified to see a pair ofshamelessly baggy trousers appear at the top of the window in theorderly room at a London depot. He shouted out what he thought, asthey descended the ladder, and the face of a woman window cleaner onlycompleted his discomfiture.
UNUSUAL OFFICER
An Australian soldier had overstayed his leave. He knew his CommandingOfficer was fed up with hard-luck excuses, so wired:
“Not sick, nobody dead, got plenty of money, having a good time. Pleasewire two days’ extension.”
He got three.
NOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED
Lieut. John Philip Sousa, while organizing military bands for the navy,was talking to a correspondent about the submarine danger.
“A friend of mine, a cornet virtuoso,” he said, “was submarined in theMediterranean. The English paper that reported the affair worded itthus:
“‘The famous cornetist, Mr. Hornblower, though submarined by theGermans in the Mediterranean, was able to appear at Marseilles thefollowing evening in four pieces.’”
ORDERS, BUT NO SALES
“And what were you in civilian life?” asked the captain.
“I was a traveling salesman, sir,” replied the recruit.
“That’s all right, then. You’ll get plenty of orders around here.”
THOSE FOOL QUESTIONS
“Have you been to France?”
“Yes. Came back last week.”
“Now, I wonder if you saw anything of that young nephew of mine outthere—Smith is his name?”
PROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERS
“Our Joe’s joined the army,” announced Mary Brown, proudly, “an’ ’e’sgettin’ on fine wiv ’is drill. In fac’, when ’is regiment passed ’erethe other day hevery one wot was in it was out of step ’cep’ ’im.”
“O, that’s nuffin,” retorted Tommy Johnson.
“When our ’Arry went to the front the captain ’e shouted: ‘Is Private’Arry Johnson in the ranks?’ ‘Yes,’ sez somebody. ’Then let the warbegin,’ sez he.”
NOT FLATTERING HIM ANY
First Soldier (looking at portraits of himself)—Which do you think isthe best, Mike?
Second Soldier—Well, personally I think the one of you in the gas maskis the best.
ONLY KIND HE KNEW
“I’ve just had some good news,” said Bearnstean, upon meeting hisfriend Mr. Abrahams. “My son Solly has got a commission in the Army.”
“Go on,” replied Abrahams, rubbing his hands; “how much?”
NOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRY
Tommy: “Look ’ere, Jack, now you’re for Blighty, why don’t you make upto Kitty? Go in and win, mate! Upon my life she’s a regular pearl!”
Jack: “That may be, but I can’t stand the mother of pearl.”
MORE DANGEROUS, ALSO
Corp—Can you think of anything more unmilitary than putting your handsin your pockets?
Sarg—Sure! Putting your hands in somebody else’s pockets.
SAME IN ALL LANGUAGES
Jack Tar: “How do you manage to get on so well with the French girlswhen you can’t speak their lingo?”
Soldier: “I’m surprised you’re so slow. Can’t you kiss a girl without adictionary?”
SHE KNEW JIM
A soldier at the front got short of money, so he sent home thefollowing letter:
“Dear Mary—We lost a trench this morning, and we must replace it at anycost, so will you please send me $25 at once.”
Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the following reply:
“Dear Jim—Sorry, I have not $25 toward replacing the lost trench, but Ienclose two candles to help you look for it.”
THEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P.
The colonel had ridden his horse to town in the afternoon, and it wasdark when he returned to camp. Some distance outside the guard line hewas challenged by a voice from the darkness:
“Halt! Who goes there?”
“Colonel,” he answered.
“Dismount, colonel. Advance and be recognized.”
He was certain that there was some mistake, for no guard was supposedto be posted there. But a sentry’s orders are not to be disobeyed, sohe grumblingly dismounted and led his horse forward, inwardly vowingvengeance against the sergeant of the guard who had caused him all thistrouble.
As he approached the sentry he burst out wrathfully:
“Who in thunder posted you here?”
“No one, sir. I’m just practicing.”
PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT
Doris: “Was your C. O. pleased, Algy, when you told him my idea forbeating the Germans on the Western Front?”
Algy: “Pleased! I should jolly well think he was. Why, he laughed forhours!”
GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER
Two rookies were indulging in the soldier’s privilege—growling abouthis station and how the soldier gets stung for everything.
“I ordered a chicken dinner at a cafe downtown and they charged me adollar and six bits,” Bone was saying.
A newsie overheard him. “Say, mister,” he said, “I know where you canget a chicken dinner for two bits. A good big one, too.”
The soldiers looked skeptical, but the newsie insisted that he wastelling the truth. Finally the soldier who had been stung asked himwhere this place was located. The newsie mentioned an address on oneof the side streets of San Antonio.
A few days later the two soldiers went to the city and determined tovisit the cheap restaurant. They found the address. It was a feed store.
ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE
Moses and Aaron were partners in business when Aaron was called up andhad to go to camp. About a month after Aaron had departed he received atelegram from Moses. The telegram read:
“Business burned out. Got $10,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Start another business.”
One month later Aaron received another telegram from Moses:
“Business burned out again. Got $13,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Keep the home fires burning.”
PLAY THE GAME
The German artillery were doing their best to erase a small town fromthe map. Every few minutes there would be a deafening crash and theremains of a house would soar skyward enveloped in a cloud of smoke.
In a field on the outskirts of the town some Canadian soldiers,relieved from the trenches for a few days, were indulging in theirfavorite game of baseball. The pitcher had just pitched the ball andthe batsman had hit an easy catch to one of the fielders when a hugeshell
landed in the adjoining field. The fielder’s attention was fixedon the shell, which burst with a deafening crash, and he missed thecatch.
“For the love of Mike,” roared the pitcher, who was a typicalIrish-Canadian, “if you are going to play baseball, play baseball, andquit watching the shells.”
SHE WAS USED TO IT
Mrs. Flatbush—So your husband is “somewhere in France”?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—So I believe.
Mrs. Flatbush—But don’t you know where?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—No.
Mrs. Flatbush—Don’t you feel somewhat concerned?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—Why, no. When he was here I knew he was somewhere inAmerica, but half of the time I didn’t know where.
SPIRIT OF FRANCE
A tired and dusty doughboy drew up in front of a shell-battered housein Château-Thierry and asked a French woman if he could get a drink ofwater.
“Oui, mon garcon,” said the woman. “You come right along with me.”
After the soldier had obtained his drink and was about to depart, heremarked that her house had suffered more or less from the guns.
“Yes,” was the reply. “I used it as a dressing station for theAmericans who were wounded here, and the Boche seemed to know about it.But it’s all right. We will build it up again and everything will bethe same.”
She explained in detail just how she would rearrange the