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Planet of the Cows: Act Two
Scene One: (patio of Deloris and Alberts Country House. Albert and Deloris enter. Albert is armed with a bucket of hot soapy water and sponges, Deloris with a witches broom and a dust pan and brush. Deloris starts sweeping, Albert washes down the outdoor furniture)
Albert: I don't know why we have to have these little functions outside. Everything's dirty and dusty the birds shit all over the outdoor furniture and it has to be washed before you can use it and then there are the ants they get into the food and they bite and the flies…
Deloris: Don't talk to me about flies.
Albert: Precisely my point.
Deloris: The flies are awful.
Albert: Yes and mosquitoes and they bring me up in lumps and I just get itchy all over and the sun is hot so everyone fights for a spot in the shade. Wouldn't it just be easier to have this little function inside.
Deloris: Now Albert don't be a wet blanket.
Albert: I wouldn't mind a wet blanket I'm hot already.
Deloris: You make such a racket.
Albert: I don't really like having these little tête-à-têtes inside or out.
Deloris: All the gang's coming.
Albert: The gang! I don't like gangs, I'm anti-gregarious, I prefer monomeism. The best thing about having people around for these little gatherings is the sheer pleasure I feel when they finally pack up and go home.
Deloris: Well they are coming and that is that, Big Red and Melissa will be here, we haven't seen Melissa for ages. Freddy and Clara said that they would look in.
Albert: I don't even like Freddy and Clara.
Deloris: Of course you do.
Albert: Of course I do. As long as they only look in and don't stay. They could look in from outside the gate.
Deloris: And Daisy Bell and Stodge said they would be passing by.
Albert: Passing bye, even better they can stay in their car on the road.
Deloris: Splodge rides a motorbike.
Albert: But why can't we do it all inside?
Deloris: I don't want crumbs on my new carpet.
Albert: Can't we take the carpet up?
Deloris: Drinks, we need the drinks trolley.
Albert: Yes dear, luckily the drinks trolley has got wheels and we can move it on when the ants find it.
(Albert exits, Big Red and Melissa enter)
Big Red: (jumping into a comfortable garden chair) This spot looks good, I think I'll buy it.
Deloris: Hello Big Red, Melissa, (gives them hugs) where's Albert?
(Albert enters wheeling in the drinks trolley)
Albert: I'm coming. Oh hello Melissa, Big Red.
Big Red: G'day how ya going?
Melissa: Dad.
Big Red: The view looks good. I'll buy that too.
Deloris: Did you remember the suntan lotion Albert?
Albert: And that's another thing you get all hot and sunburnt and you come out all red and blotchy and you burn and your skin peels off.
Deloris: Albert's got one of his grumps going it was always the same when we used to go to the beach when Melissa was a child.
Albert: I've never liked beach parties very much either. You get sand in between your toes, in your socks, in your shoes and it sticks around for weeks, you get sunburnt, salt in your hair, you cut your feet on broken glass, there are sharks and stingrays and when you step on jelly fish they squelch.
Deloris: Next time we go to the beach I'll buy you a bucket and a spade and you can build sand castles.
Albert: I've never liked building sand castles. Always some smart aleck kid comes along and steps on all the towers.
Deloris: Oh you poor boy, you had a depraved childhood.
Big Red: Beautiful day for a swim, we might go to the beach later.
Albert: Isn't it a bit sunny in the sun?
Deloris: Sit down Albert and stop behaving like an old hen.
Albert: Yes dear.
Deloris: Drinks everybody?
Big Red: Beer please.
Melissa: A soda water for me.
Deloris: Yes and I'll have a soda water as well.
Albert: And I'll join Red in a beer please Deloris.
Deloris: I'm not getting them, barbeques and serving drinks outside is your job.
Albert: Another reason to dislike entertaining outside.
Big Red: (to Melissa) This is the happiest day of my life.
Melissa: And mine.
Big Red: I like you so much Melissa I don't even mind that you're not a cow.
Melissa: I'm just as good as any cow.
Big Red: Sure you are but you must admit that your feet are funny.
Melissa: And yours are normal?
Big Red: Let's not have a lover's tiff I've got something important to ask you. Where are we going to live after the big day?
Albert: I'm having a bad hair day. I feel that all my life I've been walking around with my head in a bag.
Deloris: A garbage bag.
Albert: If only I had written something worthwhile rather than trying to be so avant-garde.
Deloris: Worth how much?
Albert: I feel a complete failure.
Melissa: No dad you're great.
Big Red: You have got a beautiful daughter.
Albert: I have done nothing with my life.
Deloris: Have you seen my garden book?
Albert: It's in the icebox.
Melissa: You will succeed you'll see.
Albert: I sold a short story to a literary journal for five dollars.
Deloris: Albert our fortune's made.
Albert: It's not a bad little piece if I do say so myself, but my little bit of success has made me depressed.
Deloris: I am so proud of you, you will have to show me it sometime.
Albert: Would you like to read it?
Deloris: I don't know that I want to go that far.
Albert: I would like you to read it Deloris.
Deloris: (reading her gardening book) 'The first chrysanthemum show was held in Japan in the ninth century.'
Albert: I have improvised a poem.
Deloris: How lovely for you dear.
Albert: I want to recite it.
Deloris: I don't know that I understand poetry dear.
Albert: Oh no-one understands poems they are obscure bits of nonsense really but I have poetry in my blood.
Deloris: Make it hard if you had to have a blood transfusion.
Albert: (stands) It's called Beyond the Marmalade.
Am I a tea bag or a spoonful of instant coffee?
I am the universal carpet square he wrote as he turned into a goat.
Murder, he screamed, now a half-eaten plastic banana
Drowning in a bowl of milk and cornflakes he clung to the peanut butter
And hiding his head in an old worn out shoe he sighed
Is anyone out there beyond the marmalade?
Melissa: (claps) Bravo!
Deloris: Albert put marmalade on the shopping list for next week.
Albert: 'Drowning in a bowl of milk and cornflakes' it's a statement about life. In my short story I tried an existentialist, stream of conscious approach to breakfast but I keep pouring too much milk over the cornflakes, nothing in this life is easy.
Deloris: No matter what the literary standard of the population we can be sure of a continuous stable level of response to Albert's prolific pen, nil!
Albert: I'll surprise you yet. I'm thinking over this idea for a bestselling novel.
Deloris: I always thought that I could write a cookbook.
Albert: You'd have to learn to cook first.
Deloris: I've cooked for you for twenty years!
Albert: The less said about that the better.
Deloris: You can burn your own toast tomorrow.
Albert: Getting back to my novel It's going to take the form of a diary of an as yet unborn woman narrated from her mother's womb. My only unsolved quandary is how
is she to get pen and paper to be able to write her diary, being where she is?
Deloris: You couldn't write a shopping list.
Albert: With this novel I think I have got to the essence of life.
Deloris: Before you can write about life you have got to have lived.
Albert: I've lived a very interesting life.
Deloris: Three meals a day and a sleep in on Sundays!
Albert: (ironically) You know Melissa, when I married your mother I married an understanding, sensitive and artistically responsive mind.
Deloris: Did you say something dear?
Albert: Don't worry darling I was only talking about you. Remember me? I was at your wedding ninety years ago.
Deloris: So you were, now I remember, you played the part of the bridegroom, you hammed the role.
Melissa: Tell them now Red before the arguing gets worse.
Deloris: We don't argue Melissa we put points of view, my point of view is that Albert is useless, I don't know what Albert's point of view is as I never listen.
Melissa: Tell them now Red.
Big Red: Now?
Deloris: Tell us what?
Big Red: Melissa and I…
Melissa: …are engaged. I'm going to marry Big Red, I'm going to be Mrs Red.
Deloris: You shouldn't joke like that Melissa.
Melissa: It is no joke!
Deloris: What a sense of humour she has Albert.
Melissa: Read my lips, I am not joking.
Albert: Well congratulations Big Red.
Big Red: Thank you.
Deloris: Er yes, congratulations.
Big Red: Thank you.
Deloris: I didn't expect it, you took me by surprise. Well all I can say is good luck, and my best wishes. You're the most lively person I've ever met Red, I didn't expect this.
Big Red: Thank you. How about a stroll in the garden Melissa?
Melissa: Love to.
Big Red: Last one to America is a rotten egg, Christopher Columbus here we come.
(Big Red and Melissa run off)
Deloris: Perhaps she could hyphenate her name, Melissa Big Red-Snobbington or perhaps Snobbington-Big Red.
Albert: Or Big-Snobbington-Red, sounds like a variety of potato.
Deloris: This is no joking matter.
Albert: No. I never expected this. It will be difficult.
Deloris: If Melissa marries into cattle people will make life hell for her. She won't fit in with his friends and our society won't accept her. By marrying cattle she is declaring herself a social outcast and it will be lonely out there.
Albert: There's talk that the government is going to legislate against cattle, Melissa might be made illegal.
Deloris: I want the best for Melissa. I want her to be happy but I think if she marries Big Red…
Albert: Melissa's not only marrying Big Red, she's making a stand and it's a fine thing she is doing.
Deloris: It's her life you're talking about.
Albert: It's her decision.
Deloris: But we should warn her.
Albert: Do you think she doesn't know already?
Deloris: I won't allow it.
Albert: You'll only make things harder for her.
Deloris: (deciding that Albert is right) She is our daughter and we must stick by her.
Albert: Under normal circumstances she couldn't have picked a better bloke.
Deloris: Let's go and find them and give them our blessing.
Albert: I hope there are no flies or cob webs or earwigs in the garden, I hate earwigs.
Deloris: Come on you old stick in the mud.
(Albert and Deloris exit Daisy Bell and Stud enter pour themselves a drink and sit down)
Stud: Drink?
Daisy Bell: Why not.
Stud: Nobody about.
Daisy Bell: Where is everybody?
Stud: Not here.
Daisy Bell: I can see that.
Stud: Yeah me too.
Daisy Bell: Shall we go out to a restaurant for dinner?
Stud: Yeah if ya want.
Daisy Bell: How many acres would you like to plough up for dinner?
Stud: I'm not very much hungry.
Daisy Bell: Impossible, you eat like a steam train, shovel it in.
Stud: I'll have some tea and cucumber sandwiches, with tomato sauce.
Daisy Bell: Are you on a diet?
Stud: I'm watching my figure.
Daisy Bell: I'm watching your figure. Looks good to me.
Stud: I mustn't let myself go.
Daisy Bell: Oh I don't know, we could let ourselves go together.
Stud: Daisy Bell, I know I'm not much of a talker but we have to discuss something.
Daisy Bell: I'm all ears.
Stud: I can't say the right words. I think them up and then I forget them before I say them.
Daisy Bell: What sort of words do you want to say?
Stud: Anachronistic and antisocial and apartheid and apathetical if only I knew what they meant.
Daisy Bell: Don't bother thinking you'll only get confused just blurt out what it is you want to say.
Stud: And there's something else too.
Daisy Bell: And what is that?
Stud: Big Red is in trouble with the police.
Daisy Bell: No. You're mistaken.
Stud: S'in the newspaper he might be arrested any minute.
Daisy Bell: What for?
Stud: Daisy Bell what I wanted to speak with you is, perhaps you, you know, going out with me you know…
Daisy Bell: Can you repeat that?
Stud: I've forgotten it.
Daisy Bell: I like you Stud you make me laugh.
Stud: Daisy Bell, me and you, well you know, you and me, get my drift?
Daisy Bell: Frankly no.
Stud: I really like you Daisy Bell, I do a real lot.
Daisy Bell: Thank you, I like you too.
Stud: It's like squeezing juice from a stone lemon.
Daisy Bell: You lost me in the masonry.
Stud: It's not safe for us. Go back to the country with Big Red.
Daisy Bell: Are you giving me the push off?
Stud: No, but I can see how the eggs are stacked.
Daisy Bell: Is that why people have been snubbing me, I eat my boiled eggs the wrong way up?
Stud: Bastards! you point out anyone who is rude to you and I'll fucking punch them out.
Daisy Bell: Control yourself.
Stud: Makes me so fucking mad.
Daisy Bell: Live and let live that's what I say.
Stud: I'll fucking kill them.
Daisy Bell: That's very nice of you Stud but we would have a lot of dead people lying around, be rather messy.
Stud: I don't care, I'll make them suffer, I'll twist their bloody heads off.
Daisy Bell: Calm down.
(Deloris, Freddy and Clara enter)
Deloris: So nice of you to drop by.
Clara: Think nothing of it.
Freddy: We didn't have anything else to do today.
Deloris: Are you still out here in the garden Albert, we need some drinks? (sees Daisy Bell and Stud) Oh hello Daisy Bell and Stoodge I didn't know you were here.
Daisy Bell: Thank you for the invitation.
Stud: Yeah.
Deloris: (to Stud) Likewise I am sure.
(Albert enters wearing overalls, a straw hat and rubber boots and pushing a wheel barrow)
Albert: I'm just going weeding.
Deloris: What! Weeding in my garden? You don't even like the garden it's full of earwigs and things.
Albert: I've decided to face up to my phobias as an adult.
Deloris: You an adult ha!
Albert: Hello, Daisy Bell, Stud.
Daisy Bell: Hello Albert.
Stud: Yeah.
Albert: I Always look forward to the pleasure of your company Daisy Bell.
Daisy Bell: Thank you.
Albert: You helped yourselves to drinks that's g
ood.
Freddy: Hello Albert.
Albert: Freddy, nice to see you, are you on your way somewhere?
Freddy: Always the kidder.
Clara: Nice to see you after so long.
Deloris: Albert, what are you doing?
Albert: I told you, I'm going to weed the garden.
Deloris: My garden.
Albert: Our garden.
Deloris: You stay out of my garden, Albert, or it will be the finish.
Freddy: I've never been much good at gardening myself. Of course I mow the lawns on Sunday mornings.
Clara: Freddy be quiet.
Freddy: The rockery in our garden that was my idea. The goldfish pond was my idea too, only the cat ate all the goldfish.
Albert: (to Deloris) I think I could get to like gardening. I'll start with the chrysanthemums.
Deloris: Don't touch my chrysanthemums.
Freddy: I don't like chrysanthemums much, they're too common, especially on mother's day.
Clara: Freddy I think we ought to be going.
Freddy: What? When we're having such an interesting conversation about gardening. Do you do much gardening Daisy Bell?
Daisy Bell: Not since we came to the big smoke.
Albert: And I could prune the camellias.
Deloris: You barbarian. This is not the time of year for pruning.
Clara: Camellias originally come from China, did you know that?
Albert: Did you want me for something Deloris? I'd like to get on with my gardening.
Deloris: If you dare lay one finger on my garden I'll kill somebody.
Albert: Really Deloris.
Clara: Camellias should be disbudded for larger and better quality flowers.
Deloris: Our guest need a drink.
Albert: Would you like a drink Freddy, Clara, Daisy Bell, Stud?
Freddy: Oh I say that would jolly up the party.
Clara: Look I really think we had better be going.
Deloris: No, not at all, you have only just arrived. Albert, four sherries all round.
Albert: Yes dear (exits)
Freddy: The weather is quite nice today.
Clara: Camellias were named after the Moravian Missionary George Joseph Kamel.
Albert: (enters) One hump or two? Sherry Clara.
Clara: Thank you.
(Clara skulls her drink)
Albert: You are full of useless facts today Clara, I never knew that you were so erudite and full of useless trivia.
Clara: I'm not sure if that is a compliment or not.
Albert: Sherry Freddy.
Freddy: Very sporting of you Albert.
Albert: Daisy Bell.
Daisy Bell: Thank you.
Albert: Stud.
Stud: Yeah er cheers.
Freddy: Bottoms up.
(Clara grabs Freddy's drink just as he is about to drink it)
Albert: Deloris you're drink.
Clara: We had to come Deloris, Albert, Daisy because of the news.
Deloris: What news?
Freddy: Haven't you heard? Clara didn't want to come but I said we must come and give support in time of need.
Deloris: What are you talking about?
Clara: The legislation to expel cattle to the island sanctuaries.
Daisy Bell: What!
Clara: We are very sorry Daisy.
Albert: Yes, I did hear about it but it can be challenged in court and I think that I am the man to challenge it.
Deloris: I think you should concentrate on your new interest in gardening Albert.
Albert: We will not abandon Melissa and Big Red.
Deloris: You know what we agreed. If things got sticky. It's for Melissa's own good that she doesn't see Big Red anymore.
Albert: If it comes to a legal fight I will defend Big Red in court.
Deloris: I forbid you, Albert.
Albert: Something tells me, an itch in my stomach…
Freddy: Maybe you should take an Alka-Seltzer.
Albert: …that this cattle crisis, as the government are so fond of calling it, that it's something to do with us. What do you think Daisy Bell.
Daisy Bell: I don't think pointing the finger does much good we all want to live in peace.
Deloris: Nonsense Albert, we have been nice to Big Red and Daisy Bell, we couldn't have been nicer.
Freddy: We have all got very serious.
Clara: Shut up Freddy.
Deloris: Albert you can't defend Big Red in Court. You have to concentrate on your writing. You'll be a great writer one day won't he Clara? Won't he Daisy Bell?
Clara: Yes we all admire your work Albert.
Albert: I took all my writing to the incinerator half an hour ago and incinerated the lot.
Deloris: But you spent years, decades, on your work. Albert not only did you fail to achieve anything with your life but you destroyed all the evidence.
Freddy: I liked your stories Albert.
Albert: You never read any.
Freddy: No, but I would have liked them if I had.
Deloris: I wish cattle had never come to Australia.
Albert: I'm grateful that they did. I can really do something stand up and say I want to be heard.
Deloris: Daisy Bell you agree with me don't you? Someone else should represent Big Red in the courts not Albert he's too old and useless.
Freddy: Albert I find this all very confusing, I'm all awash, I don't know whether to go with the tide, or swim against the current, and I've never been a good swimmer, it's all I can do to keep my head above water when dog paddling.
Clara: Freddy, shut up.
Deloris: If you insist on getting mixed up in this cattle scandal I'm going to pack my bags. I'm sorry Daisy Bell but I can't take the stress, already some of my oldest friends won't speak to me.
Daisy Bell: We don't want to cause trouble.
Stud: I'll punch them out.
Daisy Bell: Sit down Stud.
Clara: Deloris you can't leave Albert, I'm sure everything can be patched up.
Deloris: I don't want to live with patches.
Albert: Where will you stay?
Clara: You can stay with us.
(Melissa and Big Red enter)
Melissa: Hello everybody, hello Daisy, Stud, Freddy, Clara.
Daisy Bell: Hello Big Red still hanging about with Melissa?
Big Red: Daisy Bell I haven't seen you for so long, it's really great to see you.
Melissa: We are engaged.
(Melissa shows off her ring)
Daisy Bell: Big Red you can't marry her, you might get arrested.
Big Red: The world is my oyster!
Daisy Bell: And now this fortune seeker has got her claws into you.
Melissa: What was that?
Daisy Bell: Nothing that you need concern yourself with.
Big Red: Don't worry Daisy Bell everything is going to be alright. We are quite safe here everything will work out, we are in the best of all countries in the best of all worlds.
Daisy Bell: God is in his heaven all is right with the world.
Big Red: That's it.
Daisy Bell: You don't believe in God.
Freddy: Hello Melissa we were just talking about gardening.
Deloris: Melissa.
Melissa: Yes.
Deloris: Do you love Big Red?
Melissa: Of course I do.
Deloris: If only he wasn't a bull it would be so much easier.
Freddy: A bull in a tea shop!
Melissa: The fact that he is a bull is what makes him interesting.
Clara: Big Red, Daisy Bell I like you really I do but you have got to see it from all points of view we are all friends but…
Melissa: That's rubbish, there is not all points of view, cattle are just as human as anybody.
Clara: No one says they're not human and I personally have nothing against them but how would you feel if you had a Texas Longhorn or a water buffalo for a next door neighbour?
Melissa: From meeting and getting to know cattle I have forgotten that I ever thought they were different.
Albert: The trouble is that people can't see past a pair of horns.
Big Red: We didn't come to this party to make all this trouble we came here for a few drinks and some pleasant conversation.
Melissa: If we would all stop being so bloody small minded.
Deloris: Language.
Stud: I'll punch them out!
Freddy: Melissa I'm with you.
Melissa: Freddy you're a joke.
Clara: Take that back you little strumpet.
Melissa: You make up Freddy's mind for him.
Clara: And you're no better than a street walker.
Deloris: If cattle would only go away.
Albert: Cattle will always be with us Deloris. It's what we feel inside that must change.
Freddy: This is all getting far too serious, let's get back to our conversation on gardening.
Deloris: Melissa, I'm going to leave your father.
Melissa: I hope you don't expect me to get involved in your little soap opera. I have my own melodrama to take care of. Come on Red we have wedding plans to make.
Big Red: This is not goodbye it's catch you later.
(exit Melissa and Big Red)
Deloris: Albert get my case down from on top of the wardrobe.
Albert: No.
Deloris: Pardon?
Clara: Getting back to camellias…
Deloris: I'll get it myself.
(exit Deloris)
Albert: Will you excuse me Freddy, Clara, Daisy and Stud. I seem to be having a quarrel with my wife.
(Albert exits)
Clara: How do you like that?
Freddy: Pardon?
Clara: I was insulted to my face, called racially prejudiced. I'm not racially prejudiced am I Freddy? I'm just being sensible. Daisy Bell I like you I do, I do and oh bugger my glass is empty!
Daisy Bell: Get Clara a drink Stud and make it a large one.
(Stud pours a drink)
Stud: Eeryago.
Clara: Thank you.
Stud: Getyateetharoundthat.
Clara: I'm just trying to be sensible in a difficult situation.
Freddy: Perhaps you're being too sensible Clara.
Clara: Freddy you can't be too sensible.
Daisy Bell: Being sensible creates a lot of senseless difficulties.
Clara: Let's go and wait for Deloris in the car.
Freddy: Okay, bye Daisy, Stud.
Clara: Yes Daisy Bell, Stud.
Daisy Bell: Yes bye then.
(Freddy and Clara exit)
Stud: (to Daisy Bell) Shall I punch them out.
Daisy Bell: No they are just confused.
Stud: But I wanna punch somebody.
Daisy Bell: Yes it would be nice sometimes, let's go and find Red, it's probably a good time for cattle and special friends to stick together.
(Stud and Daisy Bell exit)