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Scene Two: (a prison cell Big Red enters handcuffed with a guard)
Big Red: Something seems to have gone wrong, but it's only a minor setback, Big Red can never be beaten.
Guard: No one's going to be beaten up in my prison, unless I say so.
Big Red: Is this really a prison?
Guard: Just think of it as a hotel with bars, and bellboys with guns.
Big Red: This must be a dream.
Guard: You won't be dreaming much on prison beds.
Big Red: Am I mad? Am I here? I'm in a dream, I tell you I am the great Big Red.
Guard: Listen mate, you're just another crim, you remember if you play ball we'll play ball.
Big Red: I'm happy to play ball.
Guard: Good.
Big Red: Can I have a room with a view?
Guard: What would you like? A view of the toilet block or a view of the guard tower?
Big Red: That's a hard one to call.
Guard: Oh by the way there's a girl wants to see you. Do you want to see her?
Big Red: Yes, yes show her in.
Guard: For twenty dollars I might be unavoidably detained I might leave you two alone.
Big Red: Here's fifty.
Guard: That's bribery.
Big Red: Okay here's twenty.
Guard: Thank you.
(Melissa enters)
Big Red: Melissa! My Angel.
Melissa: Oh Big Red, what are we going to do?
Big Red: Pull yourself together, I'll get out of this, they can't imprison a bull without a fight.
Melissa: Big Red I've talked to father and he has agreed to defend you in court.
Big Red: Oh Melissa you're my saviour.
Melissa: Big Red, I want you to tell me one thing.
Big Red: Fire away.
Melissa: What is Daisy Bell to you?
Big Red: Nothing, she means nothing to me. I met her when I was very young and silly and had a brief affair but she's nothing.
Melissa: There's a rumour that you and Daisy Bell are married.
Big Red: Lies!
Melissa: Is it?
Big Red: Melissa I need you.
Melissa: I wonder?
Big Red: Daisy is spreading stories to scare you away, she is terribly jealous.
Melissa: Then you really want to marry me?
Big Red: Melissa I love you.
Melissa: And you won't go chasing other women?
Big Red: Of course not.
Melissa: You're not just saying that?
Big Red: Would I do that Melissa? Besides you're the only person who can get me out of here.
Melissa: I'm sorry I questioned you Red, but I don't trust that Daisy Bell. I'd rather see you rot in jail for the rest of your life than in another woman's arms, isn't that strange.
Big Red: Listen Melissa, when I get out of here and that won't be long I have organised an escape, we can go away to the country for a while until this all blows over.
Melissa: That sounds nice.
Big Red: The country is great. The food, the food in the country is so much better than the modern take away fast food rubbish you eat in the city. Grass, have you ever eaten nice fresh grass? Unless you've eaten fresh grass in spring you have never lived.
Melissa: I think that I would like a rain check on grass.
Big Red: All cattle eat grass we are vegetarian.
Melissa: You never told me that you were vegetarian!
Big Red: You'll love it! Think of chick pea burgers with Brussels sprout snags and parsnip casserole all washed down with cabbage wine.
Melissa: I might just try grass first.
Daisy Bell: (enters) Hello Red darling, I've come to get you out of here.
Melissa: What does this hussy want Red?
Daisy Bell: (to Melissa) Oh, you're still hanging around Red. (To Big Red) It's messing around with women and promising to marry them that always gets you into trouble.
Melissa: I am Red's fiancé. Would you leave us in peace?
Daisy Bell: What do you want to get married for, Red? Do you think you and I could have lived happily all those years together in the country if we had been married?
Melissa: Red, you criminal. You're engaged to two women.
Daisy Bell: We lived together in the country for years.
Melissa: Red, I'm never going to have anything more to do with you.
Daisy Bell: You just leave him to me.
Melissa: No never. Red loves me. It's not Red who's the criminal it's you, you who want to steal him away from me. I forgive you Red, I'll never desert you.
Daisy Bell: Oh how very touching and sentimental.
Melissa: You're heartless.
Daisy Bell: Red doesn't love you.
Melissa: Tell her Red.
Daisy Bell: Keep out of this Red.
Melissa: You mean nothing to Red. He forgot you existed.
Daisy Bell: That's a lie, that's not true, Red tell Melissa the truth.
Melissa: Keep out of this Red.
Big Red: (aside to Melissa) Don't believe a word she says Melissa. I depend on you. (aside to Daisy Bell) Don't believe a word she says Daisy Bell. I need your help to get out of here.
Melissa: There, you heard what Red said?
Daisy Bell: Yes he made a fool of you didn't he?
Big Red: (aside to Melissa) Melissa we're engaged aren't we? (aside to Daisy Bell) Daisy Bell we're a team.
Melissa: Well Daisy, Red has just cleared the ground once and for all. I must go now, but I'm not going while you're still here.
Daisy Bell: Red has made his decision and I also must go, but I'm not leaving you here with him to try and sway his feelings.
Melissa: Well let's go then.
Daisy Bell: Together.
Melissa: Together.
Daisy Bell: You first.
Melissa: No, I insist, you first.
Daisy Bell: Arm in arm.
Melissa: Arm in arm.
(exit Daisy and Melissa)
Guard: (enters) What's the trick?
Big Red: Pardon?
Guard: Two beautiful women, how do you manage it? Is it money?
Big Red: Animal magnetism.
Guard: How can I get some?
Daisy Bell: (enters disguised as a cleaner) Excuse me sir, I'm the cleaner and I have orders to mop your cell.
Guard: This cell was cleaned this morning.
Daisy Bell: No it wasn't.
Guard: Anyway I don't believe in all this cleaning, too much hygiene is unhygienic.
Daisy Bell: I'm the cleaner, I should know if I cleaned his cell or if I didn't.
Guard: I tell you the cell was cleaned this morning.
Daisy Bell: I tell you it wasn't cleaned this morning.
Guard: I tell you it was cleaned this morning.
Daisy Bell: (to Big Red) It's me, Daisy.
Guard: Come along lady. If I say this cell was cleaned this morning then it was cleaned this morning, whether it was or not.
Big Red: No now I remember it wasn't cleaned this morning.
Guard: Yes it was.
Big Red: No it wasn't.
Guard: Yes it was.
Big Red: No it wasn't.
Daisy Bell: Look, you two can fight it out. I'm going to do my job. (she starts mopping Big Red and the guard argue in the background)
Big Red: If it was cleaned this morning it wasn't done very well.
Guard: It doesn't matter if it was cleaned well or badly, all that matters is that I have a bit of paper that says it was cleaned.
Daisy Bell: The cells are cleaned so often that you don't even notice if they are cleaned or not. You take your life for granted, you live in a dream, you just sleep through it day and night, it makes no difference. This pocket watch for instance, watch how it swings to and fro like a pendulum.
Guard: Maybe you're right, perhaps I'm asleep now and just dreaming all this.
Daisy Bell: That's right, reality is only a dream, a
sleepy, sleepy dream. Your eyes are getting heavy.
Guard: I feel sleepy.
Daisy Bell: (to the guard) Look at the watch, it rocks from side to side. (to Big Red) Red there's a fast car waiting outside.
Big Red: I feel sleepy.
Daisy Bell: Wake up Red.
Big Red: Sorry.
Daisy Bell: (to the guard) You're feeling sleepy.
Guard: I'm feeling sleepy.
Daisy Bell: Red run for it, I'll be right behind you.
(Big Red exists stage left, Daisy Bell runs off stage right, the guard suddenly wakes up and runs after Daisy Bell)