a rifle hidden behind the counter and points it at the mysterious man.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — What can I do for you?
(The mysterious man throws a wad of bills over the counter.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Excuse me! I'm not a thief! I thought you were.
FAGNER — That's no way to treat a friend you haven't seen for over five years.
(FAGNER takes off his hat, and then he takes off his hood. FAGNER wears a fake mustache or a beard.)
OMAN — (surprised) Little Fag?!
FAGNER — I've never liked that nickname, you know? Now my name is Maicon Jequison.
(Slowly, FAGNER pulls his new passport out of his pants pocket, opens it and then shows it to OMAN.)
OMAN — (spelling) M-A-I-C-O-N J-E-Q-U-I-S-O-N?
FAGNER — It's a typical Brazilian name. (beat) OK, it was the best I got. Brazilians love famous American names, but they don't know how to spell them.
OMAN — I figured.
(OMAN laughs.)
FAGNER — You shouldn't mock at my name. Your name - Oman - sounds like Woman!
(OMAN stops laughing.)
OMAN — (really upset) I can shoot you in the face right now, you know?
FAGNER — I'm just kidding, WOMAN! Now, could you put the gun down?
(OMAN cocks his shotgun.)
OMAN — You piece of shit! You almost ruined me! Because of you I almost had to leave this country that I love. (making a gesture) It was this close!
FAGNER — Don't be so dramatic. You're an American citizen. They can't deport you. So, what story did you make up to fool the immigration officers?
OMAN — I told them I didn't know you were an alien. You left behind all your fake documents, then I showed them.
FAGNER — Did they buy it?
OMAN — No. I was convicted of hiring an illegal immigrant and had to pay a two- thousand-dollar fine.
FAGNER — (surprised) Two thousand dollars? For first offender? You should have hired a better lawyer.
OMAN — And what are you doing here? I thought you were deported.
FAGNER — I was. But before that, I spent some time at Rikers Island and I made some new friends. Really interesting people, you know? They had a lot of connections. Some of them had been deported for the second time, charged with illegal reentry. It's a federal crime, you know? So, I was removed to Brazil. I had time to do a "market research" and I found many potential customers who were interested in starting a new life in this beautiful country. People eager to spend all their savings to make their dreams come true.
OMAN — And you got their money and snatched every penny they had into your wallet!
FAGNER — But in return, I gave them hope.
OMAN — No, you stole it from them. You're really a devilish scumbag.
FAGNER — No. I'm an angel. And I'm here legally.
OMAN — (ironic) So you're here on vacation!
FAGNER — Do you remember Conchita?
OMAN — That ugly fat short Mexican woman who was always here asking about you?
FAGNER — She's not so short.
OMAN — She looks like a cannon ball.
FAGNER — I'm back to marry her.
OMAN — (astonished) What?
(OMAN bursts out laughing.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Are you really gonna marry that woman? Oh, man! I thought you were looking for an American citizen to assure your green card, not an ugly fat Mexican woman.
FAGNER — Actually, Conchita was born in the U.S.. Her parents are Mexican, but she is a real American Citizen.
OMAN — So/
FAGNER — (completes the sentence) I'm gonna get my green card and I'm gonna live legally in Uncle's Sam land.
OMAN — And how come? Have you been dating her for five years? You were in Brazil and she was in Queens!
FAGNER — In fact, she was in Jersey, where she lives, but we kept in touch thanks to Facebook. During that time, we had a lot of virtual sex.
OMAN — I think in Conchita's case virtual sex is much better than real sex.
FAGNER — She's so romantic. I promised her to come back to New York and she was pleased to wait for me.
OMAN — What about Rico and Carlos? They are Conchita's cousins, right? Do they agree on this marriage?
(Right at this moment, the front door opens and CARLOS enters the stage.)
CARLOS — How you doing, Mohammed?
(OMAN changes his attitude, immediately.)
OMAN — (smiling) Mr. Carlos! How nice to see you! You're always welcome to my store! Have you been working out? You're in a good shape! Is that a new tattoo on your neck? Very beautiful! Your brother is the best employee I've ever had!
CARLOS — Shut up! I know everything you are doing to my brother. But he deserves it. He's my brother but he's stupid.
FAGNER — (to Oman) Rico and Carlos are very pleased to have me in their family.
(CARLOS bursts out laughing. OMAN doesn't understand what is happening.)
CARLOS — (cynical) Yeah! I've already forgiven Little Fag!
FAGNER — My new name is/
CARLOS — (serious) You'll always be Little Fag to me.
FAGNER — (afraid) Ok.
CARLOS — Little Fag has done many favors for my family.
OMAN — Really?
CARLOS — Yeah. During his "vacation" in prison, Little Fag became my uncle Loco's girlfriend. And now, he's gonna marry Conchita! He's really part of the family now.
OMAN — I see.
FAGNER — And I offered Carlos a partnership in my business.
OMAN — (ironic) Good for you, Mr. Carlos!
(FAGNER points at the wad of bills he has thrown over the counter next to OMAN.)
FAGNER — Take this money. It's for you.
OMAN — For me?
(OMAN looks at CARLOS.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — May I, Mr. Carlos?
(CARLOS nods. OMAN takes the money.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — (to Fagner) It's the least you can do. (to Carlos) Muchas gracias, Mr. Carlos. You are very kind and generous and/
CARLOS — Shut up! Now, we need a little favor.
OMAN — No wonder.
FAGNER — To cut the crap, every now and then we need a place to "host" some "visitors" from my country. Many of them could easily be mistaken for your relatives.
OMAN — Are you nuts? (to Carlos) Not you, Mr. Carlos. Him! (to Fagner) The immigration officers have already been here!
FAGNER — Five years ago? The cops won't come back here soon. Your store is the last place they will look for illegal immigrants again.
OMAN — Rico works for me and he's a felon. (to Carlos) Wrongly convicted, Mr. Carlos.
CARLOS — And you're a good citizen doing your society a big favor, giving an ex-con a second chance to do the right thing.
OMAN — Thank you, Mr. Carlos. I'm pleased to help you.
FAGNER — You are an example, Oman.
OMAN — (proudly) I know.
FAGNER — And we're gonna pay you to host our "guests", to teach them English, to give them temporary jobs.
CARLOS — And, meanwhile, you could exploit them as you did to Little Fag.
FAGNER — Could you call me Maicon once in a while?
CARLOS — No. (to Oman) Where would you find employees for free?
FAGNER — And we can pay you a lot.
OMAN — Do you know that harboring an illegal immigrant can lead to ten years of imprisonment?
FAGNER — That happens unless you have a good lawyer.
CARLOS — Or good fellows!
FAGNER — Listen... I think everyone in the whole wide world should have a chance to live in the U.S.. Think of me as a very special travel agent.
OMAN — I thought you Brazilians were all nice guys but you're just smiling faces.
(OMAN looks at CARLOS.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — On the other hand, you Mexicans are great people!
(C
ARLOS approaches the counter, threatening.)
CARLOS — Who could offer you a deal as good as this, Mohammed? Are you in or out?
OMAN — Ok, I'm in. You're so nice to me that I can't decline it! If I refuse to help you, you would find somebody else.
FAGNER — (happy) Now you're thinking big!
OMAN — So, what can I do for you? What do you want me to do now?
FAGNER — Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
OMAN AND CARLOS — What?
FAGNER — (excited) I've always wanted to say that!
CARLOS — (seriously) We're gonna call you soon with further instructions.
FAGNER — You're not gonna regret about this.
(FAGNER leaves the store. CARLOS approaches OMAN.)
CARLOS — Tell my brother to be on time for dinner tonight. He's always late. And I'm a family guy. I like to eat at a table surrounded by all my relatives.
OMAN — Don't worry! I'm gonna tell him. He will be on time!
CARLOS — Just one more thing, Mohammed... Are you really color blind?
OMAN — (embarrassed) Yes, I am.
CARLOS — So... You see everything in black and white!
OMAN — Not exactly, Mr. Carlos. In my case, I can't see the difference between red and green. This colors look the same to me. But there are color blind people who see everything just in black and white.
CARLOS — Weird... I would hate if I wasn't able to see colors. Imagine if I couldn't see the difference between a Chino and a Mexican, a red neck and an Irish, an Arab and a black guy?
(CARLOS laughs.)
CARLOS (CONT'D) — The world would be a mess!
OMAN — (ironic) You're right. It's exactly those differences that make the world so organized.
(CARLOS leaves the stage. Once CARLOS is out, OMAN grabs the phone on the counter next to him and makes a call.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — I've warned you...
(Someone answers.)
OMAN (CONT'D) — Anthony? ... Hi, this is Oman! (upset) No! Not the Af-Fucking-Ghan. I'm Oman, the I-Fucking-ranian...
(At this moment, the front door opens again and ANTHONY enters the stage. He is disguised as a bum on his cell.