The kiss went on forever and beyond. Tess closed her eyes and gave in to the sensations swirling through her. As they kissed, his hand roved down her naked back. Tiny spasms rippled across her flesh at his too gentle touch. Deep inside her, something twisted and began a slow, tantalizing burn.
His mouth moved from hers, trailing hot, openmouthed kisses along her jawline and down her exposed throat. He licked the tiny hollow where her pulse beat too fast.
He pulled away. Cool night air rushed in, skipping
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along her naked flesh. She shivered, moaned softly. At the sound, he looked up. Her gaze caught his, held it fast, and in the green depths of his eyes she saw a restless longing, a dark-edged need that matched her own. He felt it, too, she realized. That desperate need to obliterate the world beyond this bed.
His head lowered. She felt his tongue like a lick of fire against her nipple. His hand moved downward even farther. The curly thatch of light brown hair parted easily as his fingers explored her moist flesh. He cupped her with his hand, his sweat-dampened palm forming against the pulsating center of her body.
Tess let out a tiny sound of pleasure. Desire throbbed between her legs, sending red-hot tentacles shooting through her blood. His hand pressed against her flesh, moving, grinding. Slowly at first, and then faster. Harder. Tess's breath caught. His mouth teased her hardened nipple. Desire melted into need and became a painful throbbing. She writhed beneath his touch, aching.... "Now, Jack. Please ..."
The soft, strangled sound of her voice pushed Jack almost over the edge. Groaning softly with the effort of restraint, he buried his face in the softness of her breasts. His hand slipped lower, feeling the hot moisture of her response.
"God," he whispered brokenly, "you're so ready." She clutched him with frantic fingers, drew him close. "/ know."
A sound that was part laugh, part groan pushed up his throat. Murmuring her name, he curled his arms around her and rolled her beneath him. Her legs slid apart, her hand closed around his hardness and guided him in. Slowly he entered her. She gasped, shivered. Her arms coiled around his body
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and squeezed hard. She stared up at him through dreamy, unfocused eyes.
In that gaze Jack saw everything he'd ever dreamed of seeing and more. So much more. An aching tenderness unfolded within him, wrapping him in layers of soothing warmth. He'd loved this woman for more than half his life, but never had he loved her as much as he did right now.
She grabbed his buttocks in shaking, desperate fingers. "Now, Jack," she said urgently. "Now."
Need coursed through his body at her passionate plea. With a bitten-off groan, he thrust into the welcoming tightness of her body.
"Yes, Jack. Yes ..."
He plunged deep within her, then withdrew. She quivered, staring up at him. Passion turned her eyes into dark brown pools. Her legs wrapped around his body. Slowly, so slowly, he entered her again.
She thrust up to meet him. Her fingernails raked his sweat-dampened back, her head lolled into the pile of pillows.
He made long, exquisite love to her, bringing her time and again to the point of release, then slowly drawing away. She clung to him, whimpering his name and dozens of unintelligible words of passion and love. Her legs locked behind him, her feet pressed hard against his buttocks.
He kissed her mouth, her throat, her nipples, kissed her and thrust against her until they were both desperate and aching.
"Oh, God, Jack," she moaned, writhing beneath him. "Now."
He squeezed his eyes shut and plunged inside her, deep and hard. She gasped, planting her legs and thrusting up to meet him.
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He felt it first as a whoosh of breath across his cheek. Then he felt the pulsations rippling inside her. The last shred of Jack's restraint snapped. He pressed his fists into the tired cotton sheets and arched his back, driving into her body.
Bolt after bolt of white-hot pleasure erupted through his body. Afterward he rolled onto his back and slid his arm beneath her, drawing her beside him. She stretched out alongside him, one leg thrown casually across his thighs.
Tess floated slowly back to earth. And hit with a bang.
She had about fifteen seconds of blissful oblivion, then reality drifted back into her consciousness, and try as she might, she couldn't dislodge it. Not even for a moment.
His arms curled around her, held her tightly against his sweat-slicked flesh. But it wasn't enough. Tess fought a wave of sadness. She was right next to him, almost on top of him, and yet she wasn't close enough.
It?whatever it was?lay between them like a living, breathing presence.
She rolled half on top of him, resting her chin on the hard wall of his chest. The sweet, cloying scent of fresh passion and sweaty flesh filled her nostrils, reminding her with every breath that they loved each other. Desperately, completely.
He wedged up on his elbows and looked at her. A damp lock of black hair fell across his eyes. He smiled, but it was a pale imitation of the real thing, and Tess felt the falseness of it like a raw wound on her heart.
They both knew the truth, could feel it like a cold wind blowing across their love. They were close, but not close enough.
Tess touched his cheek in a bittersweet caress. She thought of all the times she'd dreamed of him, back when
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he was a faceless, restless shadow not remembered with the light of dawn. All the nights she'd lain awake, aching for someone to hold her and kiss her and whisper quiet words of love.
Now she had all that and more.
And yet, with his secret between them, inside him, eating like a cancer through his heart and soul, she wondered if she really had anything at all.
His finger breezed across her trembling lower lip. "What's the matter?"
Tess squeezed her eyes shut. There were so many questions she wanted to ask him; they hung heavy and demanding on the tip of her tongue. But if she probed too deeply, or too soon, she'd scare him away. One wrong question and he'd retreat back into that small, silent place inside himself, and she would be left alone. Worse than alone.
"Lissa?"
She gazed at him through a watery blur of tears. It took every ounce of strength she possessed to shake her head.
He stared at her for a long time. "You want to ask me questions, don't you?" he said quietly.
Her breath caught. Hope spilled through her in an unwanted rush. "N-No. You have to want to tell me."
'Tell you what?"
She felt as if she were walking out on a very thin ledge below which was a hell of a fall. She moved cautiously. "You're afraid of something. Maybe ... maybe if you talked about it, the fear would go away."
Jack paled. "I ... I can't...."
Tess knew she'd pushed too hard. She pressed a finger to his lips. "Shh, don't. We have all the time in the world. It doesn't have to happen tonight."
He tried to look away. She took his face in her hands and gently foiled him to meet her gaze. "I mean it, Jack.
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Whenever you want to talk, I'll listen. I'll listen every night for sixty years if I have to, and I'll never judge you. I promise."
"Why?" The word sounded strangled and far away.
"Because I love you."
He deflated. The fear in his eyes melted into despair and tore a ragged hole in her heart. "The doctors said ..." He squeezed his eyes shut in shame. "I can't talk about it."
Sadness seeped through Tess. She tried to understand, telling herself it was normal. But still she felt betrayed and rejected. She broke eye contact and stared at the bedpost through a blur of tears.
"Lissa?"
She squeezed her eyes shut. Defeat, she reminded herself, was something she knew how to deal with. She knew better than to let a setback get her down. She loved Jack, and she'd never stop trying to reach him. Never.
She opened her eyes and gazed down at him, trying desperately not to feel the tiny, serrated crack in her h
eart. He needed her now, needed her strong and patient and loving. And that's what she'd be. Every day, in every way, she'd let him know that, secret or no secret, he was loved. And maybe, when he really believed it, he'd be ready to trust her.
"We'll get through this, Jack. I promise."
Chapter Twenty-four
The storm waited until midnight, then struck hard.
Jack writhed restlessly. Sweat crawled across his forehead, and a low, frightened moan escaped his lips.
"No." The word was a dry, hopeless whisper. He whipped his head from side to side, fighting to wake up. "No . . ."
The nightmare sank its teeth into his soft flesh and pulled him downward, into the whirling, terrifying blackness lodged in his soul.
The clearing smelled of gunpowder and fire and death. Jack stood frozen with fear.
Gun and cannon fire exploded around him. Smoke filled the clearing and stung his eyes. Rain slashed at his head and ran in cold, gushing streaks down his face. The endless, hammering thunk of each droplet echoed the pounding of his heart.
"Jacko!" Johnny yelled from up ahead. "Come on."
Woodenly Jack started to run. The winter-hard ground sliced his bare feet and sent shafts of pain up his legs with every step. His rifle thudded against his back. Smoke stung his eyes and blurred his vision.
"Johnny, where are you?" He stumbled to a stop and desperately scanned the hazy battlefield. His gaze darted through the fallen and the dead. Fear clawed up his throat. "Johnny!"
no
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Suddenly something hurled out of the foggy haze and landed in his arms. Warm blood splatted across his face. Jack looked down at what he held and screamed. "Noooo ..."
He kept screaming until his voice was rasping and weak.
He sank to his knees in the wet dirt. The smell of blood and gore clogged his throat and nose, and tears stung his eyes until he couldn't see anything at all. Not even his brother's cold, dead eyes.
"Jack ... you're hurting me. Let go of my wrist." Jack thought he heard something. He opened his eyes. They felt painfully dry and unfocused. A headache pounded through his head.
He was looking at a face. Frightened brown eyes peered up at him through a maze of spun-gold hair. "Jack, please ..."
He blinked hard, trying to focus. The eyes changed subtly, blurred into glassy, dead gray orbs that stared at him accusingly. Johnny.
Fear chilled him to the bone. Wildly he looked around, but the world was cold and dark. "Jack, honey, I'm right here. You're okay. You're safe." The night exploded with thunder. Jack came awake with a start. Terror tingled in icy shards through his body, turned his stomach into a twisted knot. He lurched out of the wet grass?or was it his bed??and stumbled to his feet.
He stood rooted to the spot, his heart pumping in his ears. Rain slashed against a familiar window. Wind rattled the glass.
The bedroom, he realized. He was in the bedroom. With a sigh of relief, he yanked his long Johns off the bedpost and got dressed. Lightning flashed twice in rapid succession, trans-
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forming the window into an eerie mirror. For a split second Jack stared into his own haunted, frightened face. Then the image changed slightly, and he was staring into Johnny's dead, lifeless eyes.
It was happening again.
The darkness was coming. He could feel it creeping up on him, inexorably padding through the shadowy blackness of his mind. It was coming to take him away.
He turned for the door and ran down the hallway, through the menacing shadows of the house. As he rounded the kitchen table, thunder reverberated. The dishes in the dresser clattered together, the table creaked.
He skidded to a stop. Lightning flashed, and in the momentary light, he saw Johnny's face again in the window. Pale. Dead. Accusing. Jacko, where were you? I needed you, needed you, needed you. . ..
Fear devoured Jack. His heartbeat turned into a deafening roar in his ears.
He had to get out of here. Now, before the darkness came. Before he hurt someone. Shaking, breathing hard, he reached for the door.
Something grabbed his arm. "Jack, please ..."
He flinched at the sound of his wife's voice. Longing spilled through him in hot, desperate waves. He swallowed thickly. If only he could turn and take her in his arms and hold her until the danger was past, until she made it go away.
Maybe if you talked about it. Her words pushed their way into his foggy brain, bringing with them a need so strong, he almost sank to his knees. He squeezed his eyes shut, curled his hands into shaking fists. God, if only it were that simple.
He wanted to talk to her, ached to talk with her. The need to try was like a hard, dry knot in his chest. If only.
But he'd tried that before.
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The memory hit him like a splash of cold water. He couldn't talk about his past, couldn't reopen wounds that were held together with unraveling threads of fear. If he told her the truth about himself, this fantasy love affair would end. Either she'd remember why she'd hated him before, or she'd start fresh from today. At the end of his horrible confession, she'd look at him through new, narrowed eyes. She'd see his failure, his shame, and she'd never be able to love him again.
He couldn't do it, couldn't watch the love in her eyes shrivel and die. Couldn't bear the thought that the warmth of her touch would turn icy cold again.
He looked down at her, feeling old and tired. Their gazes met. Her dark eyes were sad?so sad, it shamed him to the depths of his soul.
"Stay," she whispered, clutching his arm. "Please ..." "I can't." His voice was ragged and torn. "But, Jack?"
He grabbed her by the shoulders, holding her at arm's length. "Don't you understand? I could hurt you. Jesus, I could?" He looked away. "Go back to bed," he said in a voice so frayed, he didn't even recognize it. "Please ..." Then, cursing thickly, he flung the door open. It hit the side of the house with a crack. She lurched toward him. "Don't go, please, we can?" He gave her one last, longing look, then he grabbed his boots and coat and ran from the house.
Tess ran after him onto the rain-slicked porch. Fear suffocated her, settled in her lungs like a dull, throbbing ache.
Rain slashed at her naked breasts and ran in rivulets down her stomach. Drumrolls of thunder pulsated through the night. Gray-black rain clouds boiled ominously overhead. Far below, angry waves churned and crashed against invisible boulders.
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"Jack!" she screamed, but the wind dashed her voice into nothing.
A series of lightning bolts shot from the heavens and illuminated the farm. In the flash of unearthly light, she saw him, a shadowy, hunched-over figure running past the barn and down the hill.
"Don't go ..." This time the words were no more than a whispered prayer she knew he couldn't hear.
The lightning flashed again, and he was gone.
Tess stood rooted to the spot, naked and shivering. Terror, colder and more debilitating than anything she'd ever known, washed through her in wave after ice-cold wave. Her body trembled with it, her eyes burned.
He wasn't coming back.
At the realization, Tess's legs gave out. She sank to her knees on the hard, wet floor. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, and every breath hurt.
He didn't trust her. Even now, after everything, he didn't trust her. Maybe he never would.
"Please." The word was a broken thought, a formless longing. "Please ..."
She brought her hands to her lap and stared down at the shaking, frozen fists. Tears squeezed past her lashes and blurred her vision. It was slipping through her fingers, slipping so fast, she couldn't get a hold. Everything she'd ever wanted or needed or ached for was here, in this house, and she couldn't hold on. He wouldn't let her.
A sob broke free and spilled from her trembling lips.
"Come back, Jack," she whispered, tasting the mingled moisture of her tears and the rain. "Please come back ..."
Tess stumbled back into her bedroom and co
llapsed on the bed. She lay there for a long time, curled in the fetal position, shivering and praying, Please, God, just bring him back safe. Please ...
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Someone knocked at the door.
For a heart-stopping moment, she thought it was Jack, then she realized he wouldn't knock. She let her breath out in a defeated sigh and slipped into her lawn nightgown.
"Come in," she called out wearily.
The door opened. Savannah and Katie stood in the doorway, their faces pale with uncertainty.
Tess tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it.
Savannah twisted her fingers together. "Is Daddy gone again?"
Sadness wrenched through Tess. The heart she thought she'd lost twisted hard. The girls?her girls?were trying so hard to be brave, not to cry. The realization reminded Tess that they were a family now. A family. None of them had to suffer alone; they had one another.
"Come on over," she said, patting the bed next to her.
They were beside her in a second, clambering up onto the big bed. Katie snuggled alongside her mother and tilted her small face up. "Will he be back?"
Tess swallowed a lump of fear. She wished she could lie. Yes, girls, I'm sure your father is fine. He knows how to take care of himself. No doubt it was the parental thing to do?say anything to ease their minds.
But as she stared down into Katie's earnest, frightened eyes, she knew she couldn't do that. They were a family now, and they'd weather their storms together. "I don't know. I wish I did."
They lapsed into silence, each lost in her own fears, her own thoughts. Tess tried to calm herself down, tried to call upon the rational scientist she'd been all her life, but she couldn't quite manage it. She was so afraid....
Focus. Concentrate.
She took a deep, ragged breath and counted silently to ten. She had to be strong now. For Jack, for the children. He was in trouble, real trouble, and he needed her. She
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needed to look at this situation with a clear head and figure out what the hell to do. How to help him.