“What’s up?” I bump knuckles with all of them, except Drea, who doesn’t offer hers.
“This is Virginia. Virginia, this is Shane, and Drea. The two who are attached to each other are Tanner and Cody.”
I don’t expect it to be Cody who holds his hand out and shakes hers first. “Hey.”
“Hi,” Virginia replies, and then Tanner and Shane tell her hello and shake her hand. When she gets to Drea, her hand isn’t out.
“Gotta go. Darren just got here.” She jogs off without another word. Darren’s around a lot. I guess him and Drea are hooking up again.
They’d saved me a chair but I give that one to Virginia and take Drea’s until she comes back. Tanner opens a small cooler. I try and shake my head at him but he doesn’t notice and offers her a beer.
“No, thanks.”
He looks at me next and I shake my head. I wonder what she sees when she looks at my friends. Shane is the most clean-cut-looking one of us. He has a piercing in his lip but that’s it. His hair’s black and shorter than mine. He almost looks like someone Virginia would know.
Tanner has his Mohawk, both his ears are pierced and he wears a lot of bracelets on his wrists. Cody’s hair is obviously bleached, but darker underneath. It’s messy as hell. He has at least one hand on Tanner all the time, almost like he needs him. He has drawings on his hands like tattoos. There’s a flower covering the top of one and a random design on the other. They match some of the artwork he does around town.
We’re a fucked up group.
What the hell was I thinking bringing her here?
“So…how much is he paying you to hang out with him?” Shane asks her. The second the words leave his mouth, his face pales as if he realizes how it sounds.
“What the fuck, man?” I make it halfway to my feet before Virginia is touching my hand and Shane is speaking.
“I didn’t mean for it to sound like you’re a hooker! I just wanted to give him shit, like he couldn’t get a girl like you to hang out with him unless you’re getting something out of it.” He holds up his hands. “That was a bag on him. Not you, I swear.”
Virginia is the first one to start laughing, followed by Shane. I collapse back into my seat, grateful that I don’t have to kick my best friend’s ass. It breaks the tension, and soon all of us are laughing. My friends start going off into other conversations. Once in a while, they ask Virginia something and she answers. The three of them are talking about something that happened at school when I look over and see her watching Tanner and Cody.
I get an uncomfortable feeling in my muscles. That’s the one thing for me; I’ll never have anything to do with someone who doesn’t accept my friends. “You’re staring,” I whisper, surprised at the venom in my voice. I didn’t want this from her. It’ll mess everything up.
When she’s speaks next, there’s no anger. Its almost sounds like longing. “How long have they been together?”
“Like four years, or something.”
“Cody…I think that’s his name.” She’s looking at them but talking to me, quiet enough that no one else can hear her. “It’s almost like he’s afraid if he lets Tanner go, he’ll disappear. Like he always wants to be touching him.”
The words are familiar. They settle into my brain, as if to say, isn’t it obvious? I thought the same thing about her earlier—I always want to touch her, and just today, I knew I had my hands on her to know she was really there.
Reaching over, I thread my fingers with Virginia’s.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
~Virginia~
Ryder’s friends are different than I expected. I mean, they look how I thought they would and they talk how I thought they would. They drink and smoke, which I also expected. What I didn’t count on was how kind they are to me. I’m not sure why I assumed they would be anything other than that. I guess it says something about me, and the kind of person I am.
It’s not a mistake I plan to make again. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they probably wouldn’t be hanging out with me if I wasn’t here with Ryder, but I am. Because they care for him, they try to get to know me, which I think is pretty cool of them.
Well, all of them except for Drea. She hasn’t spoken a word to me all night. Another thing, it doesn’t take a genius to see the reason why.
She’s in love with Ryder. She hasn’t taken her eyes off of him more than a few seconds all night, despite the fact that I’ve seen her kissing another guy and sitting on his lap. Most of the time, she only stops looking at Ryder to stare me down.
There’s a part of me who wants to tell her that he’s mine, but then I remind myself he’s not really. They’re close. They’ve been for a long time. They spend time together every day, so he’s hers, too, even if it’s not in the way she wants. Anyway, getting into a long-term relationship isn’t part of my plan, and I’m sure it won’t be long before Ryder gets bored with me.
But he is holding my hand. He’s been doing it for over two hours now.
And I like it. I’ve liked it just as long as he’s been doing it.
“Ry, think fast,” Shane says to him as he tosses a beer Ryder’s way. Our hands separate so he can reach out and catch it.
Ryder glances at me. “Nah, I’m good.”
“You can,” I whisper, silently glad he said no.
“It’s cool.”
“Who are you?” A deep voice says from beside me. I look up to see the guy Drea was with. He’s eyeing me up and down.
“What the fuck, man? Don’t talk to her like that.” Ryder starts to stand but then Drea speaks.
“She’s Ryder’s girlfriend.”
My heart nearly falls to my feet. Oh God, he’s going to assume I think he’s my boyfriend. “No, I’m not.” The last thing I want is for him to believe I’m going to start pushing him; that just because we’ve kissed, I suddenly think we’re serious. “Lulu. I’m Lulu.”
“I thought your name was Virginia?” Shane asks.
“It is.” My body starts to overheat, and not in the good way either. “Virginia’s my first name and Lulu is my middle. I usually go by Lulu, but Ryder calls me Virginia. I hate my first name.” Shut up! Why am I still talking?
My eyes dart toward Ryder, hoping he’ll save me, but he’s looking toward the ground. His elbows rest on his knees as they bounce up and down.
“I gotta take a piss. I’ll be right back.” Ryder walks away, leaving me alone for the first time tonight. The instinct to ask him to wait teases my tongue, but I hold it back for two reasons. First, he’s going to the bathroom. I don’t need to be there for that. Second, I’m pretty sure I can be alone for a few minutes.
A shadow crosses in front of me and then Drea takes his seat. “I get it.”
“Umm, get what?” I glance around, hoping Shane, Tanner or Cody will speak up; I don’t want to be in a conversation with her alone. But the three of them are playfully arguing about something in their own world, and the guy she was kissing has left.
She lowers her voice, spite lighting her words. “Ryder. The attraction. It’s the eyes that draw you in. Plus the fact that he’s so obviously untamable, which of course makes us want to try. That’s not the thing that keeps you around, though, is it? He kisses you like you’re the only person in the world that matters.”
Yeah…yeah he does. The words from her lips make my stomach turn.
“And we both know that’s not the only thing he does well.”
It’s like a slap in the face. I don’t know why it surprises me so much that they’ve been together. Drea is gorgeous. Her skin is just a few shades lighter than Jamie’s, as though maybe only one of her parents is African American. Her eyelashes are super long, making her eyes stand out. She has a piercing between her lips and her nose. She could be a model.
She’s one of Ryder’s closest friends.
They’ve slept together.
She fits with him much more than I ever will.
I shouldn’t want to fit with him.
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She is in love with him.
“You’re right about that. Kissing isn’t the only thing he does well.” What. The. Heck. Did I just say? She eases away from me as though she didn’t expect the words. That makes two of us, but I also don’t want her to think she can chase me off…even though we both know I don’t belong here anyway.
“Whatever.” The camp chair falls backward when Drea stands, and then she walks away. As soon as she’s out of sight, I push to my feet as well. I have to get out of here. Have to.
I don’t make it ten feet before I hear Ryder. “Where are you going?” He steps up beside me.
“Home. I need to go home. I can give you a ride, but I’m sure you’d rather go with your friends.”
“Way to push it off on me. I’m sure you’d rather I go with my friends.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I don’t stop walking.
“Fuck,” he mumbles. “Nothing.” He doesn’t stop going, either.
“What are you doing?” Go with me…
“Walking you to your car. I’m not a complete asshole.”
I bite my tongue to keep from speaking the whole walk to my car. It takes a few minutes to get there, and we’re alone when we do. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say when I open my mouth. I just let words fall out. “You’ve had sex with Drea?”
Courtesy of the light above the car, I see him flinch, but recover quickly. “Yeah, why does it matter? That’s in the past.”
It shouldn’t matter, and I know that, but somehow it does.
“It’s not a big deal, Virginia. It’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything. We’re friends. We trust each other. We like to have a good time. It’s nothing.”
Maybe to him it’s nothing, but it is to her. It is to me as well. I’m not comfortable knowing he’s got a hot friend-with-benefits on the side.
“What I can’t figure out is why you care. You’re the one who said I wasn’t your boyfriend.” He crosses his arms and almost sounds…hurt? But that doesn’t make sense.
“What are you talking about? You made it clear you don’t really want a girlfriend.”
“And you said the same thing about having a boyfriend!”
“And it’s not like you asked me to be your girlfriend or anything.”
Ryder’s head snaps up at that, his eyes meeting mine. His demeanor changes, the anger slipping out of his stance. I can’t tell what it’s replaced by, but it’s totally different.
“Would it really matter if I did?”
Yes. Yes, it would matter. But would it really? I have a plan I have to stick to, and Ryder isn’t in it. He’s wild and reckless and I would bore him. I’m supposed to want to bore a boy like him. Instead of saying any of that, I take the easy way out. “She’s in love with you… Drea…she loves you.” Only it turns out the words aren’t as easy as I thought they would be. They make my chest ache so bad I wish I could double over and hold myself. Curl into a ball and cry. I turn away from him.
“Hey…” Ryder steps closer, his hands on my shoulders. “Did she say something to you? That’s just how Drea is. She’s tough, and she probably feels defensive because she’s really the only girl who hangs around us. I know…I know this probably makes me an asshole—I know you wouldn’t do something like this or want to be with a guy who does—but when I’ve been with her, it’s not because we’re in love with each other. It’s just…familiar, I guess. It’s just a way to have fun. Shit, that sounds so fucked up.” The sincerity in his words runs deep. Ryder believes what he’s saying, but she’s in love with him. And when he finds that out, it could change everything.
Drea is his friend. She’s familiar. She’s fun. Why wouldn’t he want that?
Slowly, I turn to face him. “She’s in love with you. I saw it all night. She looks at you the way Cody looks at Tanner. The way Tanner looks at Cody.” My eyes sting. Oh God. I hear it, the whisper that starts deep inside me, getting louder and louder. The one that says the way you want Ryder to look at you.
He’s going to ruin everything. I’m going to ruin everything. He’s a distraction I don’t need…but one I want. He makes me want to change my plan. “I have to go.”
Ryder doesn’t try to stop me as I get into my car and drive away.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
~Ryder~
I don’t move from where she left until I can’t see the lights from her car anymore. Even when there’s nothing but darkness on the road, I stay still. What just happened?
All I wanted was to make this night good for her. I wanted to be with her. I brought her to meet my friends and I held her hand and I thought of her as my girlfriend, yet she bailed on me because I’m friends with Drea? Because of something that’s happened between us that I can’t take back?
She’s the one who said she didn’t want to be with me.
Suddenly, I can’t stop my legs from moving. Back and forth, I pace the area where she’d been parked. Where she gave me a hoodie and I told her I would make sure she’s okay.
She’s Ryder’s girlfriend…
No, I’m not…
Dude, I’ve been so stupid. What the hell was I thinking spending time with her and thinking it could actually mean something? That, what? I’d be like one of the guys at her school, and walk down the street holding her hand? That she would actually have a reason to want me as her boyfriend?
But I wanted it. I can’t believe I wanted it, and that makes me more pissed at myself than anything.
My foot connects with something. Looking down, I see a glass bottle rolling away. Bending over, I pick it up, and throw it as hard as I can. I watch the glass shatter as it hits the light pole and wonder how some girl I just met has the power to make my insides feel like they’re doing that—like they’re shattering.
It takes me less than half the time it took with her to reach the party again. I go straight for one of the kegs, fill a cup and drain the whole thing. I fill another and I’m halfway through it when there’s a familiar hand on my arm.
“Let it go, man. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Shane cocks his head slightly. “You really like her.”
My answer is to empty my second cup before filling another. Downing beer that quickly makes it straight to my head. I’m halfway through my third cup when I start to get the spins.
“Ryder,” Shane says, but I walk away from him. Fire dances in front of my eyes so I make a turn to keep from falling into it.
Tanner and Cody watch me. Tanner stands, but then Cody grabs his wrist and keeps him there.
“Ryder Blackstock, you’re wasted.” This girl who goes to my school wraps her arms around my shoulders. We’re facing each other and I smile at her.
“I am.” But then I step backward and her hands unlatch and fall to her sides. Without another word, I walk away, walk closer to the hill that leads up to the parking. I keep going until it’s darker, until the party feels a million miles away, even though I can still see it, before I collapse into the sand.
Who the hell am I?
I’ve always known who I am. Always. And I’ve always been okay with that. Yet one rich girl shows me a little attention and I, what? Think I can be someone else? Think the world works in a way where it doesn’t matter that my dad’s a criminal and I’m a thief when she’ll really be somebody one day?
I know better than that.
“Hey.”
I put my hands behind my head as I lie in the sand, and close my eyes. “What did you say to her, Dre?”
“Does it matter?” She sits so close to me I feel her side touch mine. “You were afraid to even be yourself around her, Ry. Would she have gotten mad at you if you drank a beer in front of her?”
“This is because I didn’t have a beer? Maybe I just didn’t want one.” My head gets dizzy when I jerk into a sitting position.
“Obviously you didn’t want a drink, seeing as how you had a shitload the moment she left.”
“Funny.” There’s never b
een a time in my life that I’ve been mad at Drea. I’ve been upset if she let some guy treat her like crap, or when she’s down on herself. This is different, though. Anger starts overpowering my buzz. No, it’s not just anger, either. Mixing through all that red, hot heat inside me is something else. Pain.
She betrayed me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Drea, and she tried to take away something that made me feel good for the first time in a long time, maybe the first time in forever. She saw me holding Virginia’s hand. She had to know Virginia means something to me.
And she does. She means a lot, and I’m not sure what to do with that. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” My body rocks back and forth, back and forth. I lock my hands together behind my head, elbows forward, and close my eyes.
“Oh my God.” Drea’s voice is hardly over a whisper. She pushes away from me. Not too far, but putting space there. “You’re in love with her.”
“No.” I shake my head, because I’m not. I can’t be. It’s not like we even really know that much about each other. I just know how she makes me feel. That she’s implanted herself inside me, and I like her there. “I like her, though. A lot. Dude, I sound like an idiot. It’s so whacked hearing myself say that.” But it’s true. I like Virginia. I’ve never let myself do that before.
Shane’s my best friend, but I couldn’t have said that to him. Probably couldn’t with Tanner or Cody, either. Dre and I have always been close like that, which is why I already feel the anger seeping out of my bones.
“She thinks you’re in love with me.”
It’s as though someone hit a mute button and there’s no sound except the waves in the distance. Drea stares off into the dark. She doesn’t speak. Doesn’t move. And I know, know, that Virginia was right.
“Dre?” She looks at me for a second, her eyes glassy, and then puts a hand to her mouth.
Holy shit. How can she be in love with me? How could I not know it? Maybe to some people that would be a stupid question, but we’ve always been friends. It’s not like I’m the only guy she’s ever kissed at a party or messed around with just to have a good time, the same way she’s not the only girl I’ve done that with. It’s just sort of the way things are.