I grab her and pull her to me. She comes easily, burying her face in my neck as she cries. Drea doesn’t cry. She doesn’t let anyone or anything have that effect on her, yet she’s crying in my arms.
Her hands fist the hoodie Virginia gave me. Each time her body shakes, it vibrates through me. It makes my chest feel like it’s opened up; parts of me falling out into the sand.
I never wanted to hurt her. Ever.
There is no buzz left inside me as I hold her. When her tears finally stop, she pulls away.
“I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t know.”
She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “Then you’re blind. And you’re the only one.”
What? I glance toward the party where our friends are.
“I didn’t tell them, but I’m pretty sure they can see it.”
I rub my chest as though that will make the ache go away. “There’s someone better for you out there than me.”
“What? A Virginia for me, too?”
Nudging her, I say, “I figured he’d be a guy.”
Pretending things are okay doesn’t feel right, though. Drea wraps her arms around herself.
I can’t believe this is happening. “You know it kills me to hurt you. I never wanted that. I love you, Drea. You’re one of my best friends. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I know.” She whispers.
My four friends know everything about me and they accept the whole package. They know who my dad is and what I’ve done. They love me regardless, and that means something to me.
“I’m sorry I messed things up with your girl.”
I shake my head. “It’s not your fault.”
“You’re totally falling for her.”
Shrugging is the only reply I can manage. We both know I am.
“You should go see her. Throw rocks at her window and climb up a tree by her room. Girl’s like her like stuff like that, right?”
A small laugh falls out of my mouth. “Not Virginia. She’s too practical for that.”
“Go see her, Ryder.”
“Nah. It never would have worked anyway. And I’m not going to ditch you.”
“You’re not. Plus…I think it might be easier not to be around you right now.”
I tense up.
“Not forever. Just tonight…or something.”
I’ve already hurt her enough. Whatever she wants I’ll do to make this easier on her. Pulling her closer to me, I press my lips to her forehead.
“Go.” She pushes me gently, so I do.
I head straight to Shane first. I tell him where Drea is and to go and be with her. He nods, already heading that way when I call his name. “Can I have your keys? I need Tanner to take me somewhere real quick, and then he can come back.”
Without a second thought, he tosses them my way. Tanner’s been drinking but Cody’s sober, so it’s him who gets behind the wheel.
My leg is actually bouncing up and down, I’m so nervous. This is a huge mistake. It’ll probably backfire on me, but I can’t leave things the way they are. Not with her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
~Virginia~
It’s seven a.m. when I finally admit that I’m not going to get any sleep and get out of bed. My night was spent tossing and turning. Every time my eyes finally closed, I dreamt about Mom not being Mom or her being sad, or Ryder realizing that Drea loves him and it opening his eyes to how he feels about her.
My nightmares would jerk me out of sleep, and I’d be partially grateful for the reprieve from my subconscious, only to actively think about everything while awake.
It doesn’t make for the best night’s sleep.
When I make it to the bottom of the stairs, the first thing I see is Dad with a cup of coffee, sitting at the dining room table. The table. I really don’t know if I can do this today.
Turning, I plan to sneak back upstairs when I hear, “I see you, Lulu. Get yourself a cup of coffee and join me.”
Dad’s the most understanding person I know. He doesn’t ask for much. The least I can do is listen.
I do as he said before sitting at the table with a hot mug of coffee in hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt her.” And I didn’t. But it doesn’t change anything—not how I feel, or the brokenness of my heart, or the fact that I’m scared to death to fall victim to her curse.
“I know you didn’t, kiddo, but you still did.”
“I—”
Dad holds up his hand to tell me to wait. “And I know she’s hurt you. You’re not her, Lulu. I know that’s what you’re scared of, but I’m telling you, you’re not.”
How can he possibly know that? He didn’t know everything about her when they fell in love. Mom didn’t always suffer with her disease. She told me stories. I know all about her adventures when she was a teenager. How she suddenly started to feel different when on the streets. I know she gradually began losing time, going places she didn’t remember going. Wanting things she’d never wanted.
Just like I wanted to go with her to LA that night because it sounded fun.
The same way I spontaneously climbed onto a dock that I knew could get me killed.
He didn't know that I’ve had urges and desires—little pulls to do things that aren’t me, so I throw myself into school or homework instead.
Even the way I said hurtful things to her yesterday. That’s something Samantha would have done.
Perfect, Fear, Guilt, Lonely, Destiny. Maybe I’m already more people than just Lulu.
Or maybe I’ll get so wrapped up in school that I’ll cut myself off from my friends and become a loner. Get depressed.
I could even lose myself in Ryder and rebel against the person I’m trying so hard to be, and go too far off the other end.
My finger starts to twitch and I watch it, lost in the uncontrollable movement. There are so many things I can be, so many ways I can go wrong. How do I know what’s right? How do I keep myself level?
“How do you know?” For once, I don’t have an answer. I want so badly for Dad to have one.
He looks sad as he pushes out of the chair and walks over to me, kneels next to my chair. “Life is messy, kiddo. I guess none of us ever know what will happen. But your situation is different than Mom’s. You don’t live the same life she did. You don’t live in the same world. And,” Dad shrugs, “you’re strong. So strong. I wish you saw that.”
I want to be. More than anything, I want that.
“Your mother woke up one day, and your grandma was gone. A few years later, she found out her mom had passed. Don’t be afraid to live. And hold onto the people you love. Those are the two most important things I can tell you.”
Dad kisses my forehead. “And you’re going to have to talk to her. Soon.” He pushes to his feet and glances at his watch. “I have to run into the city. I forgot something at the office. Do you want to tag along? We can have lunch afterward or something.”
Before he finishes getting the words out, I’m already shaking my head. My mind is so stuffed with—life that I just need to be alone right now.
“Okay. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“I’ll walk you out. I left my phone in my car last night.” Which isn’t something I would typically care about. It’s not as though I talk on it much. I don’t want to think about the reason I want it.
Dad’s car is parked next to mine in the driveway. He goes to the driver side as I walk around the far side to my car. Something catches my eye and I glace to the side of the house. My heart drops to my stomach as I see Ryder sitting around the corner with his hood over his head, his knees up and his arms on top of them. His head’s on his arms and he’s sleeping.
Outside.
In the cold.
It can get into the lower fifties or cooler, at night in September.
“Lulu?”
“Yeah?” I whip around to face Dad again.
“Bye. Are you sure you’re okay? There’s still time if you want to go with me.”
“No! I mean,” I lower my voice. “No. It’s fine.” Ryder is sleeping outside my house right now.
“Okay.” Dad gets in the car, then starts it and rolls down the window. “Aren’t you going to get your phone?”
Oh yeah. Duh. “Yep.” I unlock my car, the whole time hoping Dad doesn’t see Ryder on the side of the house. So many questions are going through my head. What’s he doing here? How long has he been outside? How do I feel about that?
The second Dad’s car pulls away, I turn to Ryder. He’s woken up now, but still sits in the same spot as if he’s afraid to move.
“This isn’t as screwed up as it looks,” he finally says.
“Ryder!” I walk toward him. “It’s cold. What are you doing here?” I grab his hand and he lets me help him up. It doesn’t matter that he’s possibly in love with another girl right now, or that we got in a fight. He’s huddled up against my house on a cold, Sunday morning, and I need to warm him up. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
His hands are shaking; other than that, he doesn’t move. “Wait. You were right about Drea. I didn’t know. If I had…I’m not the kind of guy who would do something like that and know he’s hurting someone. I would never want to hurt her.”
Oh. And I guess I knew that. If not, I wouldn’t have hung out with him. There’s a gentle soul inside there. He’s showed it to me many times. As much as I like that about him, he still makes my body ache in ways I didn’t know were possible. He really didn’t know, but now he does. That has to mean something to him.
“She’s one of my best friends.” Ryder shoves his hands into his pants pockets and looks away from me.
So he’s come here to let me down, face to face. Crossing my arms, I rock slightly back and forth. It’s something to pass the time. I’m not really a rocker, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s not like I didn’t know this would happen. It’s not like it isn’t for the best.
“Thanks… You really might have saved my life that night.” Or at least my sanity. “You’re…” Oh God. I’m going to cry. I’ve never cried this much in my life. My whole body feels out of whack. I wanted to change my plan with Ryder. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to believe all my worries are impossible when I’m with him.
“I should go back in.”
“Virginia.”
Ryder’s voice makes me stop in my tracks. It whispers against my skin even though he’s too far away to touch me. It burrows its way inside me as though I opened myself up to him. It’s familiar, yet not. It’s needy. It speaks to me as though I’ve been deaf my whole life, and this is the first time I’ve heard words.
“It’s not Drea for me.”
It takes an eternity for me to face him. When I do, Ryder’s not looking at me. His hands are still in his pockets and his eyes still somewhere else.
“I…” he shrugs. “It’s you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
~Ryder~
It’s crazy how the words don’t even bother me. I expected to feel like an idiot saying them. Maybe that’s exactly how I sound, but her knowing what’s going on inside me is more important. There’s never really been anyone who makes me feel so much before, and I don’t want to hold it in. I still remember how it felt when Luke told me about all his colleges, when I knew he was leaving. I didn’t say a word, just held it in and got over it. It was the same loneliness when Virginia walked away last night, and now, I don’t want to just get over it.
She stares at me, wide-eyed.
“It’s cool if you don’t feel the same. I get it. But I needed to say it, so I did.”
My bones feel brittle, the cold having set in them all night, which might put me into psycho territory—the fact that I chilled outside her house all night. This is where I should walk away. Virginia hasn’t moved from her spot a few feet away from me. She’s probably trying to figure out what the hell is happening here, which makes two of us. I’m an alien in my own skin right now, but I don’t try and force the foreign body out.
Finally, after what feels like ten lifetimes, she whispers, “It’s you for me, too…but I’m scared.”
That’s all it takes for me to move toward her. I pull her against me, her head tucks under my chin and her arms wrap around my waist. She feels so good—warm and soft and comfortable.
I won’t tell her there’s no reason to be afraid, because we both know there is. She doesn’t even know who I am, and yet she has to sense it. We’re so different. She wants things I’ve never considered wanting, and has things I’ll probably never be able to have.
I’ve done things she would have every right to hate me for. There’s no way it will work and no way it will last, but this right here? Holding her? It’s almost enough to make me forget the rest of it.
I shiver and then she does. For some reason, it makes me smile. I wonder if what I’m feeling seeped into her, and I sort of like the thought of that. Still, I don’t want her to be cold. “It’s freezing balls out here. You should go in. We can talk later.”
Virginia leans back. “You have such a way with words.”
I shrug because I can’t help who I am.
“Come in with me.”
“Your dad…”
“We have a few hours.”
Works for me.
I take her hand and we go inside. Her house looks the same, but also as though it’s this uncharted territory. This is the first time I’m in her house when she knows how I feel about her. That I’m not just here because she’s hot, and I want to make out with her.
Virginia closes the door to her room behind us.
“A bed. I never thought I would see one of these again,” I tease as I kick out of my shoes and climb in. It’s the first time I’ve been in her room where it’s not perfectly made. I pull the covers over myself and take her in for the first time. Her hair is in a messy ponytail. She’s never worn one of those before, and she has on matching, flannel pajamas. “Even have to be coordinated to go to sleep, huh?”
“Shut up,” she tells me, lingering beside her bed.
“Lay down, Virginia. I’m just trying to get warm.”
She pauses a second and then gets under the blankets with me. “What do you think happens when you stay outside all night?”
There’s a slight awkwardness between us. We’re both on our backs, looking at the ceiling, our sides hardly touching. I want to bridge the distance. “I didn’t plan to. Cody and Tanner dropped me off. I tried throwing pebbles at your window, but that shit doesn’t work. How in the hell is that supposed to wake someone up? I tried your phone, but you didn’t answer. Then I sat down for a second to figure out what to do and…I fell asleep.”
“What? That’s crazy. How do you just fall asleep quickly like that?”
“I’ve slept in worse places. Dad used to always have people around so I’m good with passing out no matter how loud it is or how cold I might be.” It’s those words that open the door for tension to fill the room again. Just another way we’re different.
I let the silence stretch on because I can tell there’s something she wants to say. Finally, she lets the question out. “Why me? We don’t have the same idea of what’s fun. I do homework to clear my head, and I’m obsessed with college. I don’t party, and I can be bitchy and judgmental. Drea’s fun. She’s wild, strong, beautiful, and—”
“You’re strong and beautiful.”
She chuckles softly and shakes her head.
“It’s just a different kind of strength. You are who you are, and you don’t care what people think. You don’t care that you’re sober at a party where everyone is drinking. You don’t give a shit if you’re the girl who leaves to do her homework, because it’s important to you.”
“Is it still strength if the reason behind it is fear?” She sounds like she’s drifting away, her voice getting softer and softer. I need to reel her back in, keep her close, so I roll to my side, lean my head into my hand and let my elbow prop me up. With my other hand, I brush her cheek with my
thumb.
“I don’t know. You’re the smart one. Regardless, I know you’re strong.” Because I know she’s dealing with more than I’ve seen; I just don’t have a clear picture of what it is.
“We’re still different, though, so why me?”
Words get trapped in my throat. I can tell her it’s because of what I said—she’s beautiful and strong. I can tell her it’s because sometimes the loneliness in her eyes mirrors mine, only I didn’t know it was there before her. Maybe it’s to prove I won’t screw up with a girl like her the way Luke thinks I will. There are a million possibilities, not all of them good. The only thing that manages to come out is, “Because the weight isn’t as heavy when I’m with you.”
Her breath hitches. I let my fingers gently glide against her neck, her throat. When she speaks, I feel the words vibrate through my fingertips. It’s a crazy-wild feeling, and I want it to keep going, want to touch all her words.
“The weight of what?” she asks.
I don’t know… I shrug. “Of everything.”
But it’s not my words that settle into my chest. It’s hers. Virginia shakes her head and answers her own question. “Of destiny.”
It’s in this moment that I realize I’m not sure if the life I’ve always seen for myself is the one I want. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. I’ve always just accepted it, accepted my fate, my destiny. Dad always told me I was good, and I needed that. Craved to be good at something. Dad never asked, he just assumed.
Luke tells me it’s not what I want, tells me I’m stupid for the things I’ve done. He never asks, either.
But is it what I want?
I count that as another thing I don’t know. There’s one thing I know for sure, though. “Virginia?”
“Yeah.” She rolls her head to the side slightly so we’re making eye contact.