intrying to rescue two caddies from the bunker going to the 11th hole.
_Hole 5._--Abandoned out of sympathy with the green-keeper.
_Hole 6._--Abandoned. S.J. gets his driver mixed in his life-belt, withthe result that his braces burst. D.J. claims hole on the ground that noplayer may look for a button for more than two minutes. Mr. Vardon,umpiring from balloon, disallows claim. Both players take to canoes.
_Hole 7._--D.J.'s canoe upset by body of drowned sheep as he is holingshort put. Mr. Vardon decides that corpses are rubs on the green.
_Hole 8._--Abandoned, owing to a fight for life-belt.
_Hole 9._--Halved in 303, Mr. Vardon keeping the score.
_Hole 10._--D.J. saves S.J.'s life. Hole awarded to S.J. by Mr. Vardonout of sympathy. S.J. one up.
_Hole 11._--S.J. saves D.J.'s life and receives the Humane Society'smonthly medal and the hole from Mr. Vardon as a reward of courage. S.J.two up.
_Hole 12._--Abandoned. Collection made for the widows of drownedgolfers, which realises ninepence. S.J. subsequently returns from along, low dive.
_Holes 13 and 14._--Won by D.J. in the absence of S.J., who attendsfuneral water-games in honour of the green-keeper. All square.
_Holes 15 and 16._--Abandoned by mutual consent, whisky being given awayby the Society of Free-drinkers. Instant reappearance of thegreen-keeper.
_Holes 17 and 18._--Unrecorded. Mr. Vardon declares the match halved.
Punch]
* * * * *
FORE and AFT]
* * * * *
_Short-sighted Golfer_ (_having been signalled to come on by lady whohas lost her ball_). "Thanks _very_ much. And _would_ you mind drivingthat sheep away?"]
* * * * *
_Extract from the rules of a local golf club:_--"RULE V.--The committeeshall have the power at any time to fill any vacancy in their body."]
* * * * *
A LESSON IN GOLF
"You won't dare!" said I.
"There is nothing else for it," said Amanda sternly. "You know perfectlywell that we must practise every minute of the time, if we expect tohave the least chance of winning. If she _will_ come just now--well!"Amanda cocked her pretty chin in the air, and looked defiant.
"But--_Aunt Susannah!_" said I.
"It's quite time for you to go and meet her," said Amanda, cutting shortmy remonstrances; and she rose with an air of finality.
My wife, within her limitations, is a very clever woman. She is prompt:she is resolute: she has the utmost confidence in her own generalship.Yet, looking at Aunt Susannah, as she sat--gaunt, upright, andformidable--beside me in the dogcart, I did not believe even Amandacapable of the stupendous task which she had undertaken. She would neverdare----
I misjudged her. Aunt Susannah had barely sat down--was, in fact, onlyjust embarking on her first scone--when Amanda rushed incontinently inwhere I, for one, should have feared to tread.
"Dear Aunt Susannah," she said, beaming hospitably, "I'm sure you willnever guess how we mean to amuse you while you are here!"
"Nothing very formidable, I hope?" said Aunt Susannah grimly.
"You'll never, never guess!" said Amanda; and her manner was sounnaturally sprightly that I knew she was inwardly quaking. "We want toteach you--what do you think?"
"I think that I'm a trifle old to learn anything new, my dear," saidAunt Susannah.
I should have been stricken dumb by such a snub. Not so, however, mycourageous wife.
"Well--golf!" she cried, with overdone cheerfulness.
Aunt Susannah started. Recovering herself, she eyed us with a stonyglare which froze me where I sat.
"There is really nothing else to do in these wilds, you know," Amandapursued gallantly, though even she was beginning to look frightened."And it is such a lovely game. You'll like it immensely."
"_What_ do you say it is called?" asked Aunt Susannah in awful tones.
"Golf," Amanda repeated meekly; and for the first time her voiceshook.
"Spell it!" commanded Aunt Susannah.
Amanda obeyed, with increasing meekness.
"Why do you call it 'goff' if there's an 'l' in it?" asked AuntSusannah.
"I--I'm afraid I don't know," said Amanda faintly.
Aunt Susannah sniffed disparagingly. She condescended, however, toinquire into the nature of the game, and Amanda gave an elaborateexplanation in faltering accents. She glanced imploringly at me; but Iwould not meet her eye.
"Then you just try to get a little ball into a little hole?" inquired myrelative.
"And in the fewest possible strokes," Amanda reminded her, gasping.
"And--is that all?" asked Aunt Susannah.
"Y--yes," said Amanda.
"Oh!" said Aunt Susannah.
A game described in cold blood sounds singularly insignificant. We bothfell into sudden silence and depression.
"Well, it doesn't sound _difficult_" said Aunt Susannah. "Oh, yes, I'llcome and play at ball with you if you like, my dears."
"_Dear_ Auntie!" said Amanda affectionately. She did not seem so muchoverjoyed at her success, however, as might have been expected. As forme, I saw a whole sea of breakers ahead; but then I had seen them allthe time.
We drove out to the Links next day. We were both very silent. AuntSusannah, however, was in good spirits, and deeply interested in ourclubs.
"What in the world do you want so many sticks for, child?" she inquiredof Amanda.
"Oh, they are for--for different sorts of ground," Amanda explainedfeebly; and she cast an agonised glance at our driver, who had obviouslyoverheard, and was chuckling in an offensive manner.
We both looked hastily and furtively round us when we arrived. We wereearly, however, and fortune was kind to us; there was no one else there.
"Perhaps you would like to watch us a little first, just to see how thegame goes?" Amanda suggested sweetly.
"Not at all!" was Aunt Susannah's brisk rejoinder. I've come here toplay, not to look on. Which stick----?"
"_Club_--they are called clubs," said Amanda.
"Why?" inquired Aunt Susannah.
"I--I don't know," faltered Amanda. "Do you Laurence?"
I did not know, and said so.
"Then I shall certainly call them sticks," said Aunt Susannahdecisively. "They are not in the least like clubs."
"Shall I drive off?" I inquired desperately of Amanda.
"Drive off? Where to? Why are you going away?" asked Aunt Susannah."Besides, you can't go--the carriage is out of sight."
"The way you begin is called driving off," I explained laboriously."Like this." I drove nervously, because I felt her eye upon me. The ballwent some dozen yards.
"That seems easy enough," said Aunt Susannah. "Give me a stick, child."
"Not that end--the _other_ end!" cried Amanda, as our relative preparedto make her stroke with the butt-end.
"Dear me! Isn't that the handle?" she remarked cheerfully; and shereversed her club, swung it, and chopped a large piece out of the links."Where is it gone? Where is it gone?" she exclaimed, looking wildlyround.
"It--it isn't gone," said Amanda nervously, and pointed to the ballstill lying at her feet.
"What an extraordinary thing!" cried Aunt Susannah; and she made anotherattempt, with a precisely similar result. "Give me another stick!" shedemanded. "Here, let me choose for myself--this one doesn't suit me.I'll have that flat thing."
"But that's a putter," Amanda explained agonisedly.
"What's a putter? You said just now that they were all clubs," said AuntSusannah, pausing.
"They are all clubs," I explained patiently. "But each has a differentname."
"You don't mean to say you give them names like a little girl with herdolls?" cried Aunt Susannah. "Why, what a babyish game it is!" Shelaughed very heartily. "At any rate," she continued, with thatdetermination which some of her friends call by another name, "I am suret
hat this will be easier to play with!" She grasped the putter, and insome miraculous way drove the ball to a considerable distance.
"Oh, splendid!" cried Amanda. Her troubled brow cleared a little, andshe followed suit, with mediocre success. Aunt Susannah pointed out thather ball had gone farther than either of ours, and grasped her puttertenaciously.
"It's a better game than I expected from your description," sheconceded. "Oh, I daresay I shall get to like it. I must come andpractise every day." We glanced at each other in a silent horror ofdespair, and Aunt Susannah