full knickers, almost ofthe Dutch cut, and that his stockings--of a plain brown colour--had noroll such as I have described. Then of course Sir Arlington has anexceptionally well-modelled calf, and when in addition a man has L30,000a year he may be allowed a certain latitude in his dress and his conductgenerally.
BOOTS AND SHOES.
The question of footwear at golf is one of considerable difficulty, butthere is a general feeling in favour of shoes. My friend the Tooting Bec_plusser_ affects a very showy sort of shoe with a wide welt and a sortof fringe of narrow strips of porpoise hide, which fall over the instepin a miniature cataract. As regards the rival merits of india rubberstuds on the soles and of nails, I compromise by a judicious mixture ofboth. If a waistcoat be worn it should be of the brightest possiblecolour. I saw Lord Dunching the other day at Wimbledon Park in acharming waistcoat. The groundwork was a rich spinach green with discsof Pompeian red, and the buttons were of brass with his monogram in blueand white enamel in the centre. As it was a cold day he wore amustard-coloured Harris tweed Norfolk jacket and a sealskin cap. Quite alarge crowd followed him, and I heard afterwards that he had raised therecord for the links to 193.
QUALIFICATIONS FOR A VALET.
One thing is certain--and that is we cannot all be first-class players.Personally, owing to the accident I have already referred to, I hardlyever play at all, but I always make it a point, if I am going on a visitto any place in the country where I know there are no golf links, totake a few niblicks with me. A bag for clubs only costs a few shillings,and it looks well amongst your other paraphernalia on a journey. Inengaging a valet again, always remember to ascertain whether he knowsthe rules of the "royal and ancient game." I shall never forget myhumiliation when down at Lord Springvale's. As I was taking part in afoursome with the Hon. Agrippa Bramble, Lady Horace Hilton, and thesecond Mrs. Bunkeray, I got stuck in a furze-bush and my man handed me aputter. I could have cried with vexation.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
CAVENDISH, CHATSWORTH.--As to the treatment of divots, different methodsare recommended by different authorities. My plan, and I am not aware ofa better, is to put them in my pocket when the caddie is not looking.When thoroughly dried they form an excellent peat for burning, or can beused for bedding out rhododendrons.
"NIL DESPERANDUM," BECKENHAM.--The best stimulant during match play is abeaten-up egg in a claret glass of sloe gin. The eggs are best carriedin the pocket of your club-bag.
A. FLUBB, WOKING.--No, it is not good form to pay your caddie in stamps.
ALCIBIADES, WEMBLEY PARK.--If you must play golf on Sunday, I call itnothing short of hypocritical to go down to the links in a tall hat.
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A HERO "FIN DE SIECLE."--_Podgers_ (_of Sandboys Golf Club_). "My dearMiss Robinson, golf's the only game nowadays for the _men_. Lawn-tennisis all very well for you _girls_, you know."]
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If you should find a stray bull in possession of the links, and who isfascinated by your little red landmarks, don't try and persuade poor Mr.Littleman to drive him away. He is very plucky--but it isn't golf.]
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HIS FIRST ROUND.--_Caddie_ (_pointing to direction flag_). "You'd betterplay right on the flag, sir."
_Curate._ "Thank you very much. But I have very grave doubts as to myability to hit such a very small mark at this distance!"]
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EAR BLINKERS.--A suggestion for caddies of tender age in attendance onhot-tempered Anglo-Indian military gentlemen learning golf.]
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EVERY MAN TO HIS TRADE.--_Exasperated Amateur_ (_to fore-caddie, whowill_ NOT _go on ahead_). "Go along, man. _Do_ get on towards thenext green."
_Caddie._ "Beg parding, Capting. You won't never get him to go no morethan twenty yards ahead. 'E's been used to carrying a flag in front ofa steam-roller."]
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LAYS FROM THE LINKS
I.--THE HISTORY OF A MATCH.
Let A be the Links where I went down to stay, And B the man whom I challenged to play:--
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C was the Caddie no golfer's without, D was the Driver I used going "out": E was the Extra loud "Fore!" we both holloa-ed, F was the Foozle which commonly followed: G was the Green which I longed to approach, H was the Hazard which upset the coach: I was B's Iron-shot (he's good for a younker), J was his Joy when I pitched in the bunker. K was the Kodak, that mischief-contriver, L was B's Likeness--on smashing his driver: M was the Moment he found out 'twas taken. N was his Niblick around my head shaken: O was the Oil poured on waters so stormy, P was the Putt which, next hole, made me dormy. Q was the Quality--crowds came to look on: R the Result they were making their book on: S was the Stymie I managed to lay, T was Two more, which it forced him to play; U was the Usual bad work he let fly, V was the Vengeance he took in the bye.
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W the Whisky that night: I must own X was its quantity--wholly unknown; Y were the Yarns which hot whisky combine with, Z was the Zest which we sang "_Auld Lang Syne_".
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_Short-sighted Lady Golfer._ "Hi! have you seen a golf-ball fallanywhere here, please?" [_Victim regards ball with remaining eye._]
]
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II.--A TOAST.
Fill up your glasses! Bumpers round Of Scotland's mountain dew! With triple clink my toast you'll drink, The Links I pledge with you: The Links that bind a million hearts, There's magic in their name, The Links that lie 'neath every sky, And the Royal and Ancient Game!
A health to all who "miss the globe," The special "stars" who don't; May thousands thrive to tee and drive As Jehu's self was wont! No tee without a caddie--then The caddies will acclaim! A health, I say, to all who play The Royal and Ancient Game!
Long life to all who face the foe, And on the green "lie dead"!-- An envied lot, as all men wot, For gallant "lads in red": Where balls fly fast and iron-shots plough Win medals, trophies, fame; Your watchword "Fore!" One cheer--two more-- For the Royal and Ancient Game!
Then "_toe_ and _heel_ it" on the green (You'll make your partner swear), But I'll be bound your dance, a round, With luck will end all square Win, lose, or halve the match--what odds? We love our round the same; Though luck take wing, "the play's the thing," The Royal and Ancient Game!
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Then, Royal and Ancient Game, accept This tribute lay from me; From me then take, for old sake's sake, This toast--Long life to thee! A long, long life to thee, old friend-- None worthier the name-- With three times three, long life to thee, O Royal and Ancient Game!
Punch]
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_Very mild Gentleman_ (_who has failed to hit the ball five times insuccession_). "Well ----"
_Up-to-date Caddy_ (_producing gramophone charged with appropriateexpletives_). "Allow me, sir!"
[_Mild Gentleman_ DOES _allow him, and moreover presents him with a shilling for handling the subject in such a masterly manner._]
]
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_First Golfer_ (_to Second Golfer, who is caught in a bunker_). "Well,Jones told me this morning he did this hole yesterday in four."
_Second Golfer_ (_who stammers_). "If Jones s-s-said he did it in four,he was a l-l-l-l----"
_First Golfer._ "Steady, friend, steady!"
_Second Golfer._ "----he was a l-lucky beggar!"]
* *
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GOLF-LAND--HOLE BY HOLE
_Match for a suit of oil-skins between Sunny Jack and Dismal Jimmy._
"The rain has beaten all records."--_Daily Papers._
"Play the game."--_Modern motto._
_Hole 1._--Halved in 28. D.J. gets into the current with his 16th (abeauty) and is rescued by life-boat.
_Hole 2._--Abandoned. A green-finder with a divining-rod, which isconvertible into an umbrella, states that Primitive Baptists are usingthe green for purposes of total immersion.
_Hole 3._--Abandoned. A regatta is found to be taking place in the bigbunker.
_Hole 4._--Halved in 23. S.J. discovered with life-belt round him whichhe has stolen from the flag. Reported death of a green-keeper, lost