companion, who went through the same lengthypreliminaries, was less fortunate. In a tone of considerable disgust heannounced that he had over-driven the hole by four hundred yards.
"Too much hydrogen," murmured Jones, "or else he got his formulaemuddled. Well, we can start now. Shall I lead the way?"
I begged him to do so. He in turn surveyed the country, consultedinstruments, did elaborate sums, inflated his ball.
"Now," he said, at length settling into his stance, "now I'll show you."
And then he missed the ball clean.
... Of course he ought not to have used such language, and yet it was asort of relief to find _something_ about the game which was entirelyunchanged.
* * * * *
A LAST RESORT.--_Miss Armstrong_ (_who has foozled the ball six timeswith various clubs_). "And which of the sticks am I to use now?"
_Weary Caddie._ "Gie it a bit knock wi' the bag!"]
* * * * *
_Caddie_ (_in stage whisper to Biffin, who is frightfully nervous_)."Don't you get nervous, sir. It's all right. I've told every one of'em you can't play!"]
* * * * *
_Fitzfoozle_ (_a beginner, who is "teaching" a lady on the men's links,and loses a club_). "Pardon me, sir. Have you seen a lady's clubanywhere?"
_Admiral Peppercorn_ (_very irate at being delayed, wishes ladies wouldplay on their own course_). "No, sir, but there's a goose club at the'Pig and Whistle,' I believe. Try that!"]
* * * * *
ROYAL AND ANCIENT RECORDS.--The _Glasgow Evening Times_ displayed thefollowing headings on the occasion of His Majesty's visit to NorthBerwick:--
VISIT TO THE GOLF COURSE.
A DRIVE THROUGH THE TOWN.
This, of course, constitutes a new record, the old one standing at about330 yards.
* * * * *
THE GOLFER'S FRIEND AFTER LONG DRIVES--The Tea-Caddy.
* * * * *
GOLF MOTTO.--The "Hole" hog or none.
* * * * *
_Golfer, whose ball has lodged under stone, has had several unsuccessfulshots, and finally, with a tremendous stroke, smashed his club._
_Old Man._ "You put me in moind of my old jackass."
_Golfer._ "What d'you mean, you idiot?"
_Old Man._ "Yer've got more strength than knowledge!"]
* * * * *
THE MOAN OF THE MAIDEN
(_After Tennyson_)
Golf! Golf! Golf! By the side of the sounding sea; And I would that my ears had never Heard aught of the "links" and the "tee."
Oh, well for the man of my heart, That he bets on the "holes" and the play; Oh, well for the "caddie" that carries The "clubs," and earns his pay.
He puts his red coat on, And he roams on the sandy hill; But oh! for the touch of that golfer's hand, That the "niblick" wields with a will.
Golf! Golf! Golf! Where the "bunkers" vex by the sea; But the days of Tennis and Croquet Will never come back to me!
* * * * *
VIRGIL ON GOLF.--"Miscueruntque herbas et non innoxia verba."_Georgics_, 3, 283.
* * * * *
TO CORRESPONDENTS.--"An Inexperienced Golfer" writes to inquire whetherwhat he has heard about "the Tee Duty" will in any way affect the"caddies."
* * * * *
WILLING TO COMPENSATE.--_Mrs. Lightfoot._ "Oh, wait a minute,Mr. Sharp--don't drive yet. My husband is still on the green." _Mr.Sharp._ "Never mind. I'll risk it. For if I _do_ bowl him over, why,I'm ready to replace him any time!"]
* * * * *
CAPABLE CADDIES
Rumour has it that a movement is on foot amongst a certain section ofthe golfing public to ensure that for the future all caddies on Englishlinks shall be compelled to furnish satisfactory proof that they arephysically and morally qualified for the porterage and cleaning ofclubs, and acquainted with the more rudimentary principles of the game.To this end, it is reported, an entrance examination paper is in courseof preparation, in which individuals aspiring to official recognition ascaddies will be required to obtain a percentage of at least eightymarks. The following questions are said to have been already drafted:--
1. Write your name, legibly if possible, in the top right-hand corner ofthe sheet.
(Do not trouble to insert your nickname, as it is a matter of indifference to the examiners whether you are locally known as "Tiger," "Ginger," or "Bill Bailey.")
2. State your age. If this is less than six, or more than seventy-fiveyears, you may omit the remaining questions and retire at once from theexamination.
3. Are you married or single? Give reasons for your answer.
4. Illustrate the finer points of distinction between
(_a_) a niblick and a gutty;
(_b_) a bye and a bulger.
5. Are you a Protectionist or a Total Abstainer?
6. Rewrite the following passage, correcting anything that may strikeyou as an error or an incongruity:--"In an 18-hole match, X., a scratchplayer with a handicap of 20, stood dormy 12 at the 17th hole, but whilehalf-way through the final green was unfortunate enough to get badlybunkered behind the tee-box. Being required to play 'two more' to hisopponent Y., who had laid himself dead in 6, he only played one of them,thus holing out in 5, and securing a victory by the narrow margin of 4up and 7 to play."
7. Given that the regulation charge for a round is a shilling, would youconsider yourself justified in attempting to exact an extra half-crownfor club-cleaning from a player in spectacles, with a handicap of 27 anda wistful expression? (Candidates are advised to say "No" to thisquestion.)
* * * * *
STIMIED.--_Golfer._ "Fore!"
_Tinker._ "What?"
_Golfer._ "Get out of the way!"
_Tinker._ "What for?"
_Golfer._ "I might hit you."
_Tinker._ "Thee'd best _not_, young man!"]
* * * * *
_Licensed Caddy._ "Carry your clubs, sir?"
_Jones_ (_who has chartered a small boy at a cheap rate_)."No, I've got a caddy."
_Licensed Caddy._ "Carry your caddy, sir?"]
* * * * *
"AS SHE IS SPOKE."--(_In the train from Nice._) _Enthusiastic Golfer_(_to friend, as train stops at Golfe-Juan_): "Oh, here we are! Thismust be the place. '_Golfe_,' golf. '_Juan_,' _jeu_, play, you know.Yes, this is evidently the station for the links!"
* * * * *
THE NATURAL CREST OF EVERY GOLF CLUB.--The lynx.
* * * * *
FIVE-O'CLOCK "TEES."--Suburban golf.
Punch]
* * * * *
THE RULING PASSION.--_Laden and perspiring stranger._ "Could you kindlytell me how far it is to the station?"
_Sportsome Native._ "About a full drive, two brassies and a putt."]
* * * * *
THE GOLF WIDOWS
(_After E.B. Browning_)
Do you hear the widows weeping, O my brothers, Wedded but a few brief years? They are writing home complaining to their mothers, And their ink's suffused with tears. The young lads are playing in the meadows, The young babes are sleeping in the nest; The young men are flirting in the shadows, The young maids are helping them, with zest. But the young golf widows, O my brothers, Are weeping bitterly, They are weeping in the playtime of the others, While you're swiping from the tee.
Do you ask their grazing widows in their
sorrow Why their tears are falling so? "Oh--yesterday--to-day again--to-morrow-- To the links you ALWAYS go! Your golf 'shop,'" they say, "is very dreary, You speak of nothing else from week to week; A really patient wife will grow a-weary Of talk about a concentrated cleek." Yes, the young golf widows, O my brothers, Do you ask them why they weep? They are longing to be back beside their mothers, While you're playing in a sweep.
And well may the widows weep before you When your nightly round is done; They care nothing for a stymie, or the glory Gained by holing out in one. "How long," they say,