"how long in careless fashion Will you stand, to drive the Dyke, upon our hearts, Trample down with nailed heel our early passion, Turning homeward only when the light departs? You can hear our lamentations many a mile hence, Can you hearken without shame, When our mourning curseth deeper in the silence Than a strong man off his game?"
* * * * *
"---- HE WOULD HAVE SAID"
_A beautiful stroke missed! A favourite club broken! No words to bringrelief!_
_American Friend (in the background, after a long pause)._ "Wa'al,Brown, I guess that's the most profane silence I've ever listened to!"]
* * * * *
"A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE."]
* * * * *
SUBTLE.--"Aren't you a little off your game this morning, Mr. Smythe?""Oh, I'm not playing this morning, Miss Bertha. Only just amusingmyself."]
* * * * *
SHOULD MARRIED MEN BE ALLOWED TO PLAY GOLF?
(_Extract from a Golfer's Diary_)
_July 21._--Played Robinson, who would never win a match if it wasn'tfor his wife. Think that I shall start a links for bachelors only.(Mem.--Suggest to the committee that no married man is allowed to playgolf in the mornings or afternoons.)
Hole I. I played perfectly, holing beautiful long putt. Robinsonhopeless. One up.
Hole II. R. bunkered. Entirely his own fault. Two up.
Hole III. Holed my approach, allowing for both wind and slope of green;really a grand shot. Caught sight of Mrs. R. as I walked to the nexttee. Three up.
Hole IV. Thought that I might have to speak to Mrs. R. at any minute.Missed my drive in consequence. Disgusting! Two up.
Hole V. R. seemed to be looking for his wife instead of attending towhat I was saying. My drive lay on a buttercup, and who the deuce canbe expected to play off buttercups? One up.
Hole VI. Stymied R. quite perfectly. He pretended to think that we werenot playing stymies. We were. Two up.
Hole VII. Saw Mrs. R. looking aimlessly out to sea. These loafing ladiesare enough to put any man off his game. Why can't they do something? Oneup.
Hole VIII. R. may say what he likes, but he waved to his wife. I wasalso annoyed by his stockings, which I should think Mrs. R. knitted. Thesort of useless thing she would do. All square.
Hole IX. Got well away from Mrs. R., and though my caddy coughed as Iwas approaching I laid my ball dead. Beautiful shot. One up at the turn.
Hole X. Had the hole in my pocket when R. laid his approach dead.Ridiculous luck. All square.
Hole XI. Just as I was driving I saw Mrs. R. still looking at the sea. Icomplained, but R. took no notice. At any rate she cost me the hole. Onedown.
Hole XII. Vardon couldn't have played better than I did, and even R. hadto say "Good shot!" twice. All square.
Hole XIII. As I was putting I had a feeling in my back that Mrs. R. hadarrived at last. Missed my putt and only halved the hole.
Hole XIV. Couldn't see Mrs. R. anywhere. Wondered where on earth she hadgot to, or whether she was drowned. Of course I lost the hole. Onedown.
Hole XV. A little dispute, as R. claimed that his ball--which was undera wheelbarrow--was on ground under repair. Absolutely foolish, and Itold him so. All square.
Hole XVI. Made a perfect drive, approach and putt. Looked everywhere forMrs. R. and couldn't see her. One up.
Hole XVII. Completely put off by wondering when I should see Mrs. R.Most unfair. Told my caddy I should report him to the committee. Allsquare.
Hole XVIII. Saw Mrs. R. on a hill half a mile away. Got on my nerves. R.said, "Halloa, there's my wife! I thought she wasn't coming out thismorning." Lost the hole and the match, and told the secretary that R.'shandicap ought to be reduced.
* * * * *
"SHE WAS NOT A GOLFER"
_Husband._ "What on earth has happened to my driver?"
_Wife._ "Oh, I couldn't find the hammer, so I used that thing. It wasn'tmuch use, though."]
* * * * *
OUR VILLAGE
The Golf-Club in full swing.]
* * * * *
_She._ "Why, Mr. Smith, you don't mean to say you have taken up golf?"
_Smith (age 78)._ "Yes. I found I was getting a bit too old for lawntennis!"]
* * * * *
ERRATIC
_Pedestrian (anxious for his safety)._ "Now, which way are you going tohit the ball?"
_Worried Beginner._ "Only wish to goodness I knew myself!"]
* * * * *
Punch]
* * * * *
SWEET SIMPLICITY
_Diffident Man (who does not know to how much of an ingenue he istalking)._ "Have you been out long, Miss Grace?"
_Miss Grace (consulting her wrist-strap)._ "Oh, about three-quarters ofan hour. You see we were asked to come punctually."]
* * * * *
LINES ON THE LINKS
Hard by the biggest hazard on the course, Beneath the shelter of a clump of gorse, Secure from shots from off the heel or toe, I watch the golfers as they come and go.
I see the fat financier, whose "dunch" Suggests too copious draughts of "fizz" at lunch; While the lean usher, primed with ginger beer, Surmounts the yawning bunker and lies clear.
I see a member of the House of Peers Within an ace of bursting into tears, When, after six stout niblick shots, his ball Lies worse than if he had not struck at all.
But some in silent agony endure Misfortunes no "recovery" can cure, While others, even men who stand at plus, Loudly ejaculate the frequent cuss.
An aged Anglo-Indian oft I see Who waggles endlessly upon the tee, Causing impatience of the fiercest kind To speedy couples pressing from behind.
Familiar also is the red-haired Pat Who plays in rain or shine without a hat, And who, whenever things are out of joint, "Sockets" his iron shots to cover point.
Before ten thirty, also after five, The links with lady players are alive, At other seasons, by the rules in force, Restricted to their own inferior course.
One matron, patient in her way as Job, I've seen who nine times running missed the globe; But then her daughter, limber maid, can smite Close on two hundred yards the bounding Kite.
* * *
Dusk falls upon the bracken, bents and whins; The careful green-keeper removes the pins, To-morrow being Sunday, and the sward Is freed from gutty and from rubber-cored.
Homeward unchecked by cries of "Fore!" I stroll, Revolving many problems in my soul, And marvelling at the mania which bids Sexagenarians caracole like kids;
Which causes grave and reverend signiors To talk for hours of nothing but their scores, And worse, when baffled by a little ball, On the infernal deities to call;
Which brightens overworked officials' lives; Which bores to tears their much-enduring wives; Which fosters the consumption of white port, And many other drinks, both long and short.
Who then, in face of functions so diverse, Will call thee, golf, a blessing or a curse? Or choose between the Premier's predilection And Rosebery's deliberate rejection?
Not mine to judge: I merely watch and note Thy votaries as they grieve or as they gloat, Uncertain whether envy or amaze Or pity most is prompted by the craze.
* * * * *
_Foreigner (who has "pulled" badly, and hit his partner in a tenderspot),_ "Mille pardons, monsieur! My clob--he deceived me!"]
* * * * *
_Tommy._ "I say, do you know who's winning?"
_Ethel._ "I think uncle must be
--I heard him offer to carry auntie'sclubs."]
* * * * *
THE HOLE CONCERN
SCENE--_Any golf-club where an alteration of the course is in prospect._ TIME--_Any time, from dawn to dusk._ CHARACTERS--_Any number of_ Members, _plus (on this occasion) an_ Inoffensive Stranger.
_First Member._ (_catching sight of_ Inoffensive Stranger). Look here,Nobbs, you're an impartial judge, we'll have your opinion. What I say isthis. If you take the present 4th hole and make it the 13th, putting thetee back ten yards behind the 12th, and carry the lower green fifteenyards to the right, and play the 2nd, 5th and 16th holes in reverseorder, keeping clear of the ditch outside the 4th green, you'llbring----
_Second Member._ Oh, that's rubbish. Anybody with a grain of sense wouldsee that you'd utterly ruin