CHAPTER 8
The moon was not yet full and I didn't understand anything about what had just happened. I only knew I was hurting. My Wolf came to take me away from my pain. She crooned to me in a language all our own. I felt safe and strong. It wasn't like we were two people, I wasn't schizo or anything. I was still me. One being with two aspects. I never felt so whole or complete as I did right then. I had felt my entire life like I was missing something. For a while I believed it was the result of being orphaned so young, but right then I knew. Yes, I missed them, but this bottomless void I couldn't fill had nothing to do with them. It was her. It was me. The other side of myself that I only recently discovered. I clung to my Wolf and ran through the woods. I ran faster and faster. No destination in mind. I just had to get away.
Before I knew it, I was in the woods behind the school near the teacher's parking lot. I slowed down and panted, catching my breath. I thought I could run fast on two legs, but four carried me even faster. I scented something. It was rotten and foul. The smell was coming from a red Prius. That was a teacher's car. It was parked in the librarian's spot. Jeez, Ms. Vorax must have hit a skunk or something. It was awful. I sneezed and headed for the tracks. Everything was roped off by the police tape.
It didn't bother me, I simply jumped over the tape and walked until I stood in the spot where the body was found. All of the evidence had been collected by the investigators, but I couldn't shake the feeling I was supposed to be there. I sniffed around, my acute sense of smell even more powerful in my Wolf form. I could smell the grass seeds hibernating beneath the hard, frozen ground, insects, clay beneath the soil, ah, there it was. I could smell him, the poor dead boy, Arnel. I knew it was him because along with the sickly-sweet scent of death, there was also the unmistakable telltale odor of teenage boy. Chips, soda, and absurdly strong scented deodorant. I felt bad. Bad for his mother and father, his younger brother that I found out was in the local middle school, and I felt bad for Arnel. He died too young. Too violently. I could tell his death was bad by the amount of blood I smelled. It was strong and coppery. As I turned to walk away I caught a whiff of something. It was faint, but I could still smell it, a repugnant odor like skunk or a red fox I once smelled at Great Turtle Zoo. As quickly as I smelled it the scent was gone. I shook my long lupine head and headed for the trees. I heard someone coming. I looked towards the track and there he was.
Sebastian was bundled up in a fleece jacket, skull cap, gloves and sweats. He was running at full speed, puffs escaped his perfect mouth with each breath he took. I knew just how perfect that mouth was from the few times we kissed and before I could stop myself I ran over to him.
"Oh damn! Stay back!" Sebby sprang back from me and tripped. He landed on his butt on the cold hard ground. He held his hand out at arm's length and I realized he didn't know me. I was a Wolf for Pete's sake! Way to go, Grazi!
"Okay, you're okay. Just go back in the woods, giant scary doggy!" Sebby whispered, but didn't make any sudden movements. Wise of him, I didn't like being called a doggy and I growled at him to let him know it. I didn't want him to get hurt and to be truthful his fear was making me want to play with him a bit. I had to control myself. I howled and took off into the trees.
I still didn't want to go home. I was so angry. How could Nonna have kept these things from me? Did my dad actually kill my mom? So many unanswered questions playing over and over in my head. I didn't know if I was ready for the answers yet but it didn't stop me from wanting them.
Old habits die hard I guess because despite being a Wolf at the time I made my way over to the Church. Since I was a little girl any time I had a problem Nonna would take me to Church and tell me to pray for the answers. I would too, you know, do my praying or mental texting to God, or the Angels or Saints, or my parents. To whoever was best suited to answer my questions I guess. This time I knew exactly who I needed to talk to and it wasn't with prayer. The heavy wooden door that led inside the Church was propped open with an old brick. I could hear the cleaning crew working away scrubbing the old marble floors. A radio played classical music softly in the background. I made my way inside, careful not to make a noise. He was close. I could smell him. I headed down the corridor to the adjoining Rectory. That door was propped open also. I walked down the carpeted stairs to where the scent got stronger. This was it, his door.
I scratched at the old oak door with my large front paw. The sensation was strange, but I was getting used to it. The door opened and Ronan dropped the bottle of water he was holding. He wore a pair of pajama bottoms and a white tank top. Music blasted from a set of headphones still wrapped around his neck.
"Oh, shite! Maria, get in here!" Ronan pushed the door open wide for me then quickly shut and locked it. He was careful not to look me in the eyes. Good move on his part because I was not feeling too gracious. He took off his headphones and mp3 player and set them on his desk. I growled at him and he bent almost in half as if he were bowing to me.
"Okay, okay. Look, I'm sorry. Sean told me you heard. It's not what you're thinking though." I growled again, this time he fell to his knees and bowed his head. "Alright, look, Maria, I cannot talk if you force me to bend down like this. Please, I'm sorry. Let me up." Confused I stopped my growling. He sagged into a more comfortable sitting position almost immediately. His head was still cocked at a submissive angle and his eyes were on the floor. He was frustrated and nervous, I could tell by the set of his shoulders and by the scent coming off of him. Yeah, I can smell emotions. I'm such a weirdo.
"Can I look at you?"
"What do you mean can you look at me? I'm right here you dope!"
"No, I know you're right there, but I mean do I have your permission to look right at you?" He clenched his teeth as he asked. It must have really galled him. I simply didn't care. Too many things were happening and I didn't understand half of them. For a girl who was smarter than the average bear, or Wolf, I was frustrated beyond belief at this point. I needed to understand even just the tiniest of basics. Like How to be a Werewolf for Dummies or something.
"Wait, can you hear me like this?"
"Aye. I can? I mean, I can. Wow, I can hear you!" He straightened with the realization.
"Okay, well, um great. Yeah, you can look at me." Ronan slowly turned his eyes, his head still cocked to the side. He held his hands up as if I were pointing a gun at him. He stared at me for a full minute then lowered his hands. He looked at me in my Wolf form with his intense green eyes. It was sort of like being naked before him. There was no way I could hide or lie about what or who I was, not like that.
"Beautiful." It came out a whisper from his lips, but I heard it. He turned around quickly and grabbed a knit throw blanket from his bed.
"Here you'll want this now." He dropped the blanket at my feet, er paws just as I started to feel shaky. I didn't know what he meant, but then I felt a familiar crackle of electricity and a shiver started to crawl its way up my spine, gaining in intensity. I felt as if someone threw a punch to my backbone and I wondered for a minute if he didn't hit me. But then my skin stretched and my bones cracked. It wasn't exactly painful, but it wasn't as quick as my change to Wolf. I'd have to work on that.
It took me ten full minutes to change back. I was hot and my stomach was cramping badly. My bones stretched and joints popped until I was a girl again. My hair hung loosely around my shoulders and I shivered. Ronan turned his eyes down. He grabbed the blanket from the floor and wrapped it around my too sensitive skin gently as one would a newborn baby. "Oh," I groaned. It took me a minute to realize I was alone with a teenage boy in nothing, but his blanket. He was facing me too! I was paralyzed with embarrassment, and apparently deaf too. He was asking me something, but what? "What? Turn around, Ronan!"
"Okay, okay! Sorry. I asked you, if you needed anything?" He turned and faced the wall.
"Clothes would be nice." I mumbled as the shivering became uncontrollable.
"Yeah, um, bottom drawer behind you are some pants and shirts are second dr
awer. You know we, um run hotter than regular folks, but it's always a little colder going from Wolf to man, or, um, girl." He mumbled as I pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants and realized despite my height Ronan was much taller and much larger than me. I had to roll the waistband of his sweatpants three times to keep them from sliding down my narrow hips. Next, I found a long sleeved thermal shirt and put that on. I found a pair of soft wool socks and stuck my ice-cold feet in them as well.
"So, was that your first time by choice then? How did it feel? Was it different than before?"
"I don't know. I don't remember anything about the first time I changed, I mean it's all hazy. My skin feels like I just rubbed it raw with a loofah or something." I fiddled with the sleeves on my borrowed shirt, soft as the cotton was it still irritated me.
"Oh well, yeah, I mean it is always a little tricky. You know, the change back. You were pretty fast though, ten minutes or so. Took me nearer to twenty minutes to change back for almost the entire first year. Now I'm down to eight or so. But, that was fantastic!"
"Fantastic? How do you mean?" I sat down on the bed my teeth were chattering. I was freezing, Ronan held out the blanket I had dropped to me, an offering of sorts.
"Seeing you come in here like that. In your change, on a night when the moon is waning. It's fantastic! Incredible." His voice had dropped to a whisper and his other hand reached out as if to touch the blonde streak in my hair. He dropped it before touching me and I took the blanket and wrapped it around myself gently as I could. "You have a blonde streak down your muzzle, when you're Wolf. Did you get that your first time?" I nodded and self-consciously touched my hair. Julianna thought I was attempting to be like her and decided to streak my hair. Whatever.
"I got this my first time," he lifted his shirt and revealed a symbol on his chest just over his heart. It appeared to be a tattoo. A cross with a circle surrounding its center.
"We all get something. When I Wolf out I have dark fur in the shape of this on my chest. It's a variation of a high Celtic Christian cross. A protection symbol. Here I have it on this as well." He showed me a set of beads he wore around his neck. They were wooden and each carved with a different symbol. "My ma started this for me when I was born and every time I rise in the pack I'll add a new symbol. She made the beads out of wood from the Tree of Saints. It's sort of Sacred to us, Werewolves I mean. She went on a pilgrimage when she turned eighteen and took a stick that had fallen from the tree. Took her years to carve the beads. She saved them for her firstborn. Me." He smiled at the memory. I reached out and touched his necklace.
"It's beautiful, Ronan. Do you have brothers and sisters?"
"Yeah, a sister, Margaret, she's a year younger than me, my brother, Daniel, is two years younger." I dropped my hand from his necklace.
"Why is it incredible to see me changed on a regular night?"
"The rest of us. We can only change during the full moon or on the Holy Days. I mean, we are always stronger and our senses more developed than regular folks, but you are the second Wolf I have ever heard of that can change at will and the first who seems to keep in charge as well." He seemed awestruck and his voice came out deeper than before.
"You mean my father, don't you?" Ronan looked away. "Tell me what you know, Ronan, please." I touched his arm. Instantly I could feel his sympathy. Hear his Wolf whine inside my mind. He was not the arrogant and aloof boy I knew from our shared classes or afternoon lessons with Uncle Sean. I closed my eyes and saw his large red Wolf. He howled in frustration, wanting to get to me, comfort me, protect me even. I was touched and something more. I think I may have been flattered. He broke the contact by stepping away.
"Please, it, it pains me not to be able to change with you now." He put a few feet of space between us. Not an easy feat considering the size of his room. It was painted plain beige and had a chest of drawers in one corner, a full-sized bed with an electric keyboard peeking out from underneath, and a desk that held a laptop and a small television set. A couple of free weights lined one half of the far wall. It seemed so bleak for a teenager's room.
"Maria, what I know are just stories. I don't know what is true and your Uncle Sean is not exactly forthcoming with me. Nor should he be. He is an important man in our pack. I'm not even a soldier yet. I'm still an initiate. I have yet to go through our formal rite of passage which I can only do when I turn eighteen. The only reason he brought me here was to see if the contract is valid."
"What rite of passage? Uncle Sean never mentioned it. And what contract?"
"As part of our rite of passage we have to go back to our village in Ireland where the pack elders will conduct a ceremony. It is like a Mass honoring God, during which we ask for His blessing and favor. After the Mass, there are several tests and the initiate has to pass. Each test designed to measure his or her own strengths and weaknesses."
"Are the tests physical?"
"Some of them. It depends on where you fit in the pack. Foot soldiers need to have their physical prowess tested, hunters their tracking skills, analysts need their wits measured, priests their faith and so on and so forth."
"Wow, I guess it is complicated." Bile rose in the back of my throat at the idea of being tested. But Ronan hadn't answered my other question.
"What about the contract you mentioned?" He rubbed the top of his head, making his strawberry blonde hair spike in every which way. It was kind of adorable.
"Listen, what's important now is you want answers about your father, yeah? Well I can tell you the stories I heard. You must understand they may or may not be exactly true. You see, your da, Patrick Kelly of the Pack Greyback, is something of a legend. I grew up listening to stories about him."
"Good or bad?"
"Depends. The men of our pack remember him differently than the females. Must have been a heartbreaker, your da. Anyway, he was in line for pack Alpha. Good looking, strong and brave. It wasn't until he came to America and met your mum that things started to happen." I wanted to push for more information about this mysterious contract, but I was distracted by news of my dad. He was virtually a stranger to me. I desperately wanted to hear more.
"His change was becoming more attuned to his feelings and less to the phases of the moon. He could change at will! Now Maria, you have to understand, this was, no, this is virtually unheard of. Only legends remained of Wolves who could change at will and most of those were Wolves who had gone dark." He looked at me again and I could see he was a bit freaked out. Yup, I'm a weirdo. I felt numb as I waited for him to continue. "There are rules, laws for our kind." I shrugged and motioned for him to go on. Rules, yeah I get it. "Okay, I have been learning these things since well before my change. I've known what I am my entire life, you've had weeks to get acquainted with this side of yourself. It may take a while for you to understand." His discomfort was apparent. Like a billboard going off in the room, I had no choice but to ignore it.
"I'm not an idiot, Ronan, I can handle it. Please, I need to know." His eyes flared when I said his name and I could feel my own heart beat increase in response. That time it was I who looked away from him. After a minute, he spoke again.
"Alright, I'll tell you what I know," His voice seemed a little deeper, his arrogance replaced by something else. "He was a great hunter, your da. Part of the job is investigating rumors or reports of covens and secret satanic societies. Your da had a better reputation than anyone for finding these covens and wiping them out. Normally the Hounds only go after a coven after getting the okay from the Church. But Patrick Kelly wasn't one to wait for approval. He was taking matters into his own hands. As he got stronger and his ability to change at will increased, he got reckless." Ronan was getting more and more agitated. His posture was stiff and his tone was clipped. I could feel his anxiety grow. I put my hand on his arm and he continued, a bit calmer. "He went after a rumor of the oldest of covens. The Venetians, a coven who worshipped the demon Moloch. Ridiculous really, I mean this was the stuff of legends. The Hounds had been seeking
them for a thousand years. Rumor is they died out hundreds of years ago. The Hounds have not been active in hunting them for almost three hundred years now. But your father was certain it was them."
"Well, why would he believe it was them? He grew up like you, he knew all the legends." I couldn't believe my father was the type of man who would chase a rumor with no proof, but then again, I didn't really know what type of man he was. Nonna always said I got my brains from my mother. She studied Church History and Mythology at NJ State University until before I was born. I remembered her books, still had some of them in boxes in the attic.
"There was a string of killings. Ritualistic murders. The Hounds to this day have not recognized it as the work of the Venetians, but your dad was convinced he had enough evidence to be certain it was them. He got others to believe him." I squeezed his arm encouraging him to continue. He looked into my eyes then and my heart skipped a beat. I saw anger mixed with grief so deep and profound that it hurt me.
"The four other Wolves he convinced to join him came here to the, U.S. They left their families for him," Ronan looked far away and so wounded it tore at my heart.
"If you want to stop don't worry, okay? Ronan, I'll understand." But he continued in a monotone. "They planned to sabotage the enemy's circle. Your ma for some reason followed him. It was odd, for a Hunter to not feel his mate's presence, but for whatever reason he didn't. When the Blood Moon rose they changed, all of them. They went in to get the coven, but it was a trap. Your dad was last to enter so he survived. The rest were destroyed in a fire cursed with witchcraft. Burned alive. Liam, his best mate, was first to go in. He was my father. I don't know why he left us on your father's word alone, but he did. I guess they didn't count on the enemy's strength." I felt responsible and horrified. My father had caused the death of his. No wonder he was so awful to me sometimes. I felt hot tears run down my face, but made no sound or move to wipe them. Some tears just needed to fall.
"Whoever it was your dad found was onto him. They set him up. It has happened before, but not to a Hunter like him. Some said he was changed, not the same man they knew. Some said worse, others better. I don't know, I was young when it happened. My ma cried for so long. Her heart broke with her matebond. She was never the same."
"I'm so sorry, Ronan. For your parents and mine. I, I don't understand what happened. The Blood Moon? It doesn't make sense." My words came out a whisper. I turned away. I wanted to hide my tears, hide my weakness from him.
"The Blood Moon is the autumnal lunar eclipse. There is one every year. It's due at the end of next month. Different moons, phases, they are important to us." His voice sounded numb. His stance stiff.
"So, my mom followed him? How did she die?"
"Their bond should have alerted him to her presence. He should have felt she was there. We can only guess that in his agony at the death of his small pack, and the pain from his wounds that he got in the cursed fire, that he simply didn't recognize her. Half crazed he went at her. She was somehow thrown into the flames. There was no trace left of her. Your Uncle Sean has spent years trying to figure out what went wrong."
"Oh my God. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Ronan."
"I don't understand you, princess. You just find out your father murdered your mother and you tell me you're sorry? These are not your sins. You've no reason to be sorry. I should apologize to you, for bringing these horrors out into the open. It wasn't my place to tell y-"
"But I, I feel responsible!" Shame washed over me in waves. I felt impotent and enraged at my father's actions.
"Why should you? You didn't know anything about this." I couldn't believe how simply he said this. I was so inconsiderate and nosy to say the least, but he forgave me my father's sin as if it was the most obvious thing. I knew I could never repay him this kindness.
"What's a matebond?" I asked him, feeling humbled even in my shame. I felt stupid, ignorant even. It was an unfamiliar feeling for me and I didn't like it.
"Just like regular Wolves in the wild, we Werewolves choose one mate for the duration of our lives. However long God gives us. When we are mated whether it be to another Werewolf or a human, it doesn't matter, we form a mate bond. It is a connection, almost psychic if you want to call it that. Sometimes we can even speak to each other in our heads and feel each other's emotions. We can also give strength to one another through the bond. It is a most Holy union. The more honesty, faith, love and devotion for one another, the stronger the bond."
"It sounds beautiful."
"Yes, it usually is." Ronan continued to stare at me. Beautiful, hmm. I looked at the sharp angles of his face, his wide set eyes were by far his most attractive feature and they seemed to glow from time to time. His eyebrows, a few shades darker than his hair, arched naturally and I wondered why boys always seemed to be so perfect. Not one hair grew out of place, even the five o'clock shadow on his cheeks and chin seemed perfectly proportioned. His bottom lip jutted out slightly from his thinner top one and for a brief second, I wondered how they would feel. I knew I shouldn't be having thoughts about him, but I couldn't stop myself. I continued my observation.
He was muscular and tall, he had an elegance of carriage I wouldn't have attributed to someone his size. I guess it was the fact that he was a Werewolf that gave him such superb physical attributes and the grace to carry them off. But it wasn't his muscles that looked so good to me right then, it was his soul. I could see it in his emerald green eyes. His purity, his honor, his innate goodness. All these things were transparent to me. Not something I wanted to admit when I mostly considered him a pest who followed me around at school. For the first time since I knew what I was, I was getting answers. Real answers and he was the one giving them to me. So, I guess I could admit it even if only to myself, right then, Ronan was, in a word, extraordinary.
"So, that is the rumor, Maria. Your father never became a man again, at least that is what we were told. He transformed permanently to Wolf and was hunted down by our pack Alpha, Rolf. He's your grandfather actually." He broke eye contact and moved a few inches away from me.
For a few blissful moments, I looked into Ronan's eyes and everything else fell away, but now it was back. I gasped as the impact of everything he had just revealed hit me. My father murdered my mom! He was hunted down and killed by his own father? My lineage was one of blood, violence, and sorrow. It was too much. I dropped to my knees and covered my face with my hands. Loud sobs shook my body as I poured out all my misery and confusion. I didn't feel it at first when Ronan sat directly behind me and placed his long legs around me. But then he wrapped me up in his strong arms. He held me tightly and murmured soothing words in my ear. In my mind, I could see our Wolves huddled together, his on the outside keeping mine safe. We stayed like that for a long while, until our hearts beat in time together.
Long after I had stopped crying he still held me. It felt so good. To be held and cared for. And to be told the truth for once. A knock on the door broke us apart. I could hear Ronan growl in annoyance and I smiled. My protector. Werewolf girls so didn't need protection, but it was nice even if a little old fashioned. I took a deep breath. It was Uncle Sean.
"Come in, Father Gallagher," said Ronan standing up and moving in front of me. My uncle walked in. He looked at our positions and smirked to himself.
"Ah well, you do know what your doing don't ya, boyo?" His eyes flashed and for an instant I could see his Wolf.
"Aye, I do." Ronan averted his eyes, offering my uncle respect, but he made no move to back down.
"Good lad," he clapped Ronan on the shoulder and looked at me. "I'll never harm my niece, Ronan. That I can promise you. Are you alright, Grazi?" He rubbed the short beard that he managed to grow since I saw him a few hours ago and waited for me to speak.
"I'm fine, I guess. Why didn't you tell me about them?"
"I've been trying to find answers for a long time, Grazi. I know that what Ronan told you is what everyone believes I just can't help but think there is more to it." br />
"I guess that's why Nonna hates you and my dad. Because he killed mom."
"It's complicated, Grazi," His sorrow rolled off him in waves. Ronan and I both swayed a little in response. Pack animals, got it.
"Yeah, I'm sure it is. I'm going home." I stalked out of Ronan's room without a word of thanks. I was such a jerk. It must have been fine with him because he had his headphones on and his back to me. So much for our moment.
"Grazi, wait! I'll give you a ride. It's late." My uncle followed me up the Church stairs. I waited for him to unlock the doors to Fr. Verrell's Mustang. I got in, put on my seat belt and waited for him to sit down and do the same. The car engine purred to life and Uncle Sean put the radio on low.
"There is something else I need to know, Uncle Sean. Will you tell me the truth?"
"Yes, of course, what is it?"
"All of those animal attacks, you know, the dead bodies? Was it me?" He shifted uneasily in his seat. Hmm, he's nervous.
"Grazi, as pack Beta I cannot make a formal announcement. As your uncle I can tell you, I don't believe you would knowingly harm anyone."
"You said knowingly."
"Don't worry, we will figure this all out, Grazi. Let's get you home." I nodded. I didn't need to tell him how I felt, I was sure he could read my emotions as easily as I read his. All that kept playing in my mind was that there was a chance, however small, that I didn't know what I was doing at the time? I really could be a murderer.