Jessica put her hand on his leg as if to say, “Everything’s going to be fine.” Or maybe she was trying to tell him that they could pick up where they’d left off four months ago, or maybe it was just because Robert and Mary were already fooling around in the seat in front of them, and she didn’t want to be left out. Thomas took another handful of barbecue potato chips from the bag that Jessica offered him. He tried to pass the bag up to Robert, but decided getting his attention wasn’t worth the effort and stuffed it under his seat. Jessica’s hand was still resting on his leg and he covered it with his own.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” he told himself. He took a deep breath and turned to look into Jessica’s eyes, only to find that she’d closed them and leaned her head back as if she planned on going to sleep.
“Tired?” he asked. She nodded, but didn’t open her eyes. She let her head rest on his shoulder. He could smell the girly shampoo as he nestled his cheek on her silky hair.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” he reminded himself.
* * *
When Mr. and Mrs. Peterson dropped Julia and Sara off in front of the steepled building, a mob of youth between the ages of fourteen and eighteen bustled about in such a manner that Julia couldn’t see how anything could actually be accomplished in all the chaos. She saw Jason trying in vain to coordinate others while carrying two large suitcases. She waited until he was occupied at one of the vans, trying to explain efficiency in packing, before she took her bag over to the pile of things waiting to be loaded.
Then she watched as somehow all of the tools and suitcases found their way into one of the two fifteen passenger vans. She bowed her head respectfully when everyone gathered to pray. When she finally climbed into the van she found herself wedged between Sara and a complete stranger. The two vans, filled with suitcases, equipment, a youth director, two sponsors and seventeen teenagers—eighteen since the youth director had agreed to let Julia come at the last minute— rolled out of the parking lot.
The vans stopped at a fast food restaurant to pick up twenty cheeseburger value meals for three adults and seventeen youth and then hit the interstate for a full night of driving. Sara shared her value meal with Julia, who insisted that her friend not make a fuss about her presence being overlooked. Julia felt like her being there meant nothing to anyone in the van beyond the fact that four people would have to spend the night crammed into the back seat instead of three.
She sat quietly as the rambunctious group played games and yelled back and forth across the vehicle. She tried to imagine how the driver could focus on the road with everything going on behind him. She tried to imagine how she would survive so many hours of that madness crammed into that back seat. She gave Sara a frantic look, but her friend had buried herself in a set of noise canceling headphones. Julia took a deep breath and thought about trying to get to know the boy who was pressed up against her until she realized that he was very busy flirting with the girl in front of him.
She wondered where Jason fit into the equation in the other van. Was he one of those who were busy shouting across the van, or flirting with some girl in front of him? Maybe he’d buried his head in some noise canceling headphones, or perhaps he was sitting in the back seat like she was, trying to make some sense out of all the chaos going on around him.
* * *
When it came to loading all of their equipment into the trailer, Lewis’s Boy Scout troop proved to be only slightly more efficient than Julia’s companions. Likewise, their sack lunches were only slightly more nutritious than cheeseburger value meals. Lewis didn’t want to ride in the same vehicle as James Guthrie, but each patrol had to travel together, so he was stuck. Lewis’s patrol consisted of the five youngest boys in the troop. The thought of spending an entire week with Michael, Doug, and George didn’t bother him so much, but he worried about how he would endure James Guthrie.
“Hey Michael,” James whispered when everyone had settled into the SUV.
“What?” Michael asked.
James produced a box of matches from his pants pocket.
“Not in the car,” came the voice of Michael’s father who had agreed to drive one of the vehicles. “When you get out on the trail you’ll have plenty of time for all those games.”
Lewis had hoped that James would forget his matches. He opened the refrigerator bag that contained the bologna sandwich Luke had packed for him. Luke had smothered both slices of white bread with mayonnaise. Lewis tried to figure out how to wipe the white substance off, but when he couldn’t find a napkin in the bag with the chips and soft drink, he resigned himself to the fact that he’d have to eat the sandwich as it was. And mayonnaise gushed out as he took a bite.
* * *
Hannah stayed at the office late. Working there she could focus completely on what she needed to do. The familiar walls provided a sense of comfort and belonging. But when she finally got around to organizing her desk and packing a few things into her briefcase, her thoughts returned to 3% and then to Abigail’s advice. She didn’t want to go out looking for someone new, but she knew that she needed to talk to someone.
She felt a deep physiological need to connect with another human being. This strange hunger had built up little by little over the months, and it finally reached the point that Hannah felt that she might die from it. The emotional hunger felt more real to her in that moment than anything that lack of food had ever produced. She reminded herself that biological drives could account for everything going on inside of her and that she could overcome them. Nevertheless, she pulled out her cell phone and started to scroll through the list of names looking for someone she could call.
* * *
As he drove by Hannah’s townhouse Peter knew that what he was doing could be seen as stalking. But in reality he found that it was the most natural thing a man in his situation could do. If she found out, she could use it in court to paint him as psychotic, but Peter now understood that any sane person would have to do the same thing. He knew that sitting in his car outside her townhouse was pathetic. He didn’t know why he’d driven all the way across the city to wait and watch her front door.
“This is beyond pathetic,” he told himself. “But it’s better than getting drunk. Besides, I’m not going to sit here all night, just for a few seconds.”
* * *
Jessica had fallen asleep almost immediately and didn’t wake up until Thomas’s phone rang. “Hello?” Thomas asked as he held the phone to his ear. “No. It’s spring break . . . I’m going to Florida . . . Yeah I know.” He hung up the phone in disgust.
“Who was that?” Jessica asked.
“My mom.”
“I never would have thought that you talked to your mom like that,” Jessica said.
“I try not to talk to her at all.”
“Oh,” Jessica replied awkwardly, and then dropped the subject.
“Mommy calling to check up on you?” Robert jeered.
Thomas told him to shut up.
“Hey I was just teasing,” Robert said defensively.
“Well it’s sort of a sore subject.”
“Yeah man, I get you,” Robert answered.
“So what are you studying?” Mary asked.
Thomas knew that she was only trying to ease the tension in the van, but he couldn’t resist giving her a complete synopsis of everything he’d been dying to talk about. “I’m a philosophy major, but I’m focusing on nihilism and postmodernism.”
“What’s that mean?” Robert asked.
“It means a lot of things,” Thomas began, “But what I’ve been looking at is the idea that without an absolute there can be no value judgments.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Don’t start that again,” she moaned.
“No man, I want to hear. I’ve always been interested in all that metaphysical stuff,” Robert said.
“For starters,” Thomas said, “we have to assume that there is no God. That’s why people are just now waking up to this id
ea. You see God has always been around as people’s standard or an absolute. But since we now know that there is no God we can begin to look at the possibility that maybe there is no absolute, and with no standard we realize that there’s no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘pretty’ or ‘ugly’.”
“I think I get it,” Robert said. “Basically if you don’t believe in God, then anything goes.”
“That’s a bit of an oversimplification, but I guess it is the gist of the idea,” Thomas admitted.
“Hold on,” Mary spoke up. “You can have an absolute standard without believing in God.”
“What would it be?” Thomas asked as if he’d been waiting for the question.
“People just know what’s right. We’re born with a conscience.”
“That’s actually not proven. A lot of psychologists suggest that society molds us with its values, but that none of them are innate.”
Mary looked at Jessica as if hoping that she would refute Thomas’s assertion, but Jessica just shrugged her shoulders.
“What about killing people?” Robert asked.
“There have actually been some cultures that have valued lies and deceit and didn’t condemn murder. That’s why if we don’t have an absolute standard we can’t judge other societies or even our own. You can’t say that their culture is wrong and ours is right.”
“Well I prefer a culture where lying and killing isn’t okay,” Mary said emphatically. Thomas felt that he should let the conversation end on that note, but he couldn’t help adding, “Of course you do. But that’s only because you were raised in a society that instilled those values in you. If you’d been raised in this other tribe you wouldn’t think that way.”
“You guys are all missing the most important part,” Robert interrupted. “We can do whatever we want this week, and there’s nothing that can prove we’re wrong. We’re gonna make our own society where partying and getting wasted is okay. You don’t believe in God do you Clint?”
“Nope,” Clint said from the front seat.
“What about you Amy?” Robert asked.
“You boys are ridiculous,” Amy answered.
“Well you girls can do what you want,” Robert said, “but the three of us are gonna live it up this week. And I didn’t think that there were any practical applications to any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. I’m changing my major as soon as we get back.”
“Forget changing your major,” Clint yelled from the front seat. “We’re dropping out and partying twenty-four seven.”
“Who’s going to pay for all your parties if you don’t get a job?” Mary asked.
“We’ll rob a bank,” Robert answered. “In our culture that won’t be wrong. Thomas, man you’re some kind of a genius. This has definitely got to be the best religion ever invented.”
“It’s not a religion,” Thomas corrected. “Religion implies rules or morality. This is a philosophy, the logical conclusion for those who reject religious superstition.”
“Well whatever it is I’m gonna believe in it,” Robert declared.
* * *
“I’m going to get you a date,” Abigail said. The words made Hannah wish that she’d put away her cell phone after she’d hung up with Thomas.
“That’s really not necessary,” she said softly.
“Yes it is. I know the perfect guy for you. I’ll have him call tonight if he’s free.”
“I’m really doing fine,” Hannah insisted.
“If you were doing fine you wouldn’t have called me out of the blue on a Friday evening. You can trust me. This guy is going to be perfect for you. You’ll wish I’d called him years ago.”
“I doubt that,” Hannah muttered.
“But you’ll go out with him?”
“Sure.”
“Great. I’ll call him right away.”
* * *
As the evening turned into night the youth that filled the fifteen passenger vans began to settle down. Sara liberated her ears from the headphones and leaned against the window as if she intended to go to sleep.
“Hey,” Julia whispered.
Sara sat up and looked at her with groggy eyes.
“Do the people here know about me?” Julia asked in a hushed voice.
“They know you’re my friend. Some of them know that Jason liked you.”
“That’s not what I mean. Do they know about what I did?”
“I don’t know,” Sara answered. “Why do you want to know now?”
“I overheard some people talking about that sort of thing, and the things they said made me think that they’d never accept me if they knew.”
“What’d they say?” Sara asked matching Julia’s hushed voice.
“They said that people who had had an . . . that people like me should have a big rock tied around their neck and be thrown into the ocean.” Julia stole a glance at two of the youth who were seated towards the front of the van.
“Don’t worry about that,” Sara said. “You know how people talk. They don’t really mean half of what they say. They’re just running their mouths to pass the time. It’s a long drive.”
“They sounded serious to me. And even if they didn’t mean what they said about drowning people, I think it’s pretty obvious that they wouldn’t want to talk to me if they knew.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Sara admitted.
“I feel like everyone wants to tell me that what I did was wrong,” Julia said. “But where were they when I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe they were off picketing at the courthouse so that everyone else in the world would know that what I was doing was immoral, but I didn’t need anyone to talk to me about morality, or right and wrong. None of that made any difference to me. I needed someone to promise to be there for me. But nobody was there to tell me that they’d help me; I didn’t have anyone to say that everything would be okay.
“I’m not saying that I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions, but in a way it’s their fault too. None of them wanted to have anything to do with me then. If they knew now they’d all keep their distance and only come close enough to tell me that I’m a terrible person, as if I don’t already have to live with what I did. None of them want to tell me that it’s okay, or that they feel sorry for me, or that they want to help me, because they love their hypocrisy more than people, at least more than me.”
“I’m sorry,” Sara said.
“I know you are, but it’s not your fault that people are like that,” Julia responded.
“I’m still sorry.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me,” Julia said. “You know what I’ve learned from all of this?”
“What?” Sara asked.
“The problem with most people is that they think they’re good. If they realized what they really were deep down then there would be humility, or repentance, and people would love each other instead of looking down on each other because they’d see themselves in all those members of society that they deem beneath them. I think that’s why you’re Jesus favored the prostitutes,” Julia glanced around the van again to see if anyone was listening. “If Christians lived like that, your churches would be so different.”
“Yeah, but some things don’t change,” Sara said.
“I used to think I was good,” Julia added.
“You don’t anymore?”
“No. I think I’m probably a better person than most everyone else in this van, but I know I’m not a good person.”
“Because of what you did?” Sara asked.
“No. Even before that I’ve always been the same. That was just what made me wake up and realize what I was.”
“I think I understand,” Sara said.
“If I’m better than anyone else it’s only because I know what I am. I spent the last few hours watching and listening, and I kept trying to see something good in them, something true. And you know what I saw?”
“What?” Sara asked.
“They’re all happy. The
re was never a time when there wasn’t someone laughing and goofing off. You look surprised. Did you think that I was going to say that I couldn’t find anything good in them?”
“Yes,” Sara admitted.
Julia continued. “I watched really closely because I was trying to figure out how they could always be so happy with ‘everythin’ that goes on in the world,’ as my grandfather would say. I was looking for something magical that could reach out and grab me. But you know what I found?”
“What?”
“Naiveté. They can be happy and laugh because they don’t have a clue how the world really is, how they really are, or they’ve intentionally made themselves forget. But I promise that as soon as their perfect little world starts to fall apart that their happiness will disappear in an instant.”
“What did you hope to find?” Sara asked.
“I don’t know exactly. Something bigger,” Julia answered. “Something that can look straight at all the suffering and laugh anyway, something like what your grandmother had. I heard her when I was waiting for you in the hallway. I heard her laughing. Her skin looked like it was ready to fall off of her bones, and she could still laugh.”
“Is that what you need?” Sara asked.
“I don’t know if it’s what I need, but it’s what my grandfather needs. Maybe I need it too, but I’m not looking for myself. I’m done trying to save myself. I’m trying to find it for him.”
“When you find what you’re looking for let me know,” Sara said.
“I will.”
Sara offered Julia the pillow that she’d stuffed under the seat before curling up against the window and going to sleep. Julia propped the pillow against her friend’s shoulder and rested her head on it, but as soon as she closed her eyes a myriad of thoughts ran wild in her head and wouldn’t slow down long enough to let sleep overcome her.
* * *
Hannah listened as the phone rang. She waited. Finally the answering machine took the call: “This is Abigail and I can’t come to the phone so please leave a message at the beep.” The machine beeped, but the caller didn’t leave a message. A few moments passed in silence and then the phone rang again. Once, twice, three times.
“Hello?” Hannah said. She hadn’t wanted to pick up the receiver, but in a moment of weakness her hand shot out and grabbed it without her permission.