Noah said, I really am sorry I threw that fit. I’m going to say I’m sorry to Maggie and Anna too.
Not Anna. She got a car. She didn’t ask.
Yes, that’s true, but two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m the father and I have to act like one.
You’re not her father.
No, that’s true, Noah had said, surprised. I’m not her biological father, but I’m her stepfather.
Caleb had fallen silent, looking away at the cat, and Noah had realized that he might have been overlooking Caleb’s reaction to Anna’s moving in.
What do you think about that, Caleb?
Caleb hadn’t answered.
Does it make you happy or sad? You can tell me, buddy.
Still no reply. Caleb always shut down when he was stressed. He’d known his speech wasn’t up to the task.
Son, don’t worry about how the words come out. Just tell me. I can understand you. I thought you liked her.
She doesn’t like me.
Why do you say that? I think she does. I know she does. You guys had a good time with the trains. Noah had touched Caleb’s bare arm, chilled in the cooling air. It had been a cold spring, and the backyard smelled of soggy mulch.
She said a curse.
What was the curse?
We were in the car. She said, ‘Don’t effing touch the buttons.’
Caleb, that was wrong. Noah had flashed on the night at Bed Bath & Beyond, when Anna had asked him if he wanted to know how soft she was. Maybe he hadn’t misheard her. Maybe this was a game she played. Or maybe Caleb had been lying out of jealousy.
Dad, don’t tell Mag. Mag loves her.
Caleb, Maggie loves you, too, you know. She loves you very much.
I know. She always tells me.
Good. Noah had given Caleb a hug, and in time they had gone inside, and the courtroom came back into focus and Noah wasn’t in his backyard anymore. Thomas, Linda, and Judge Gardner were still huddling, leaving the jury in suspended animation and Noah on the witness stand, wondering if anything would have been different if he’d told Maggie what Caleb had said.
But what had happened next was so much worse, it had gone forgotten.
Chapter Thirty-six
Maggie, Before
‘Can I come in?’ Maggie asked Anna, through the closed door.
‘Okay,’ Anna answered, her voice shaky, and Maggie slipped inside the room to see Anna cross-legged on her bed with her laptop open, her lovely blue eyes shining with tears.
‘Anna, I’m sorry.’
‘No, I’m sorry.’ Anna wiped her cheek, leaving pinkish streaks. ‘I’m so stupid. I never should’ve bought the car. What an idiot.’
‘You’re not an idiot.’ Maggie came over, sat on the edge of the bed, and patted Anna’s leg.
‘Yes, I am, and I bought it because it was cool. That was stupid, too. I bet those girls in the Poetry Club will hate that car. I don’t know what I was thinking.’
‘Say to yourself, “lesson learned,” and be done with it. That’s what my mother would say.’ Maggie smoothed a strand of Anna’s hair from her face.
‘Are you mad at me, now that Noah is?’
‘No, and he’ll calm down. I’m sorry he behaved so badly. A patient of his died today. I would have told you, but you and Caleb were having so much fun in the car.’
‘Look, that’s sad, but I heard what he said. He thinks I’m a spoiled brat.’ New tears shone in Anna’s eyes, and Maggie’s heart went out to her.
‘No, he doesn’t.’
‘I didn’t realize it was his parking space. I should’ve told them not to park in the driveway.’
‘I swear to you, that’s not what’s bothering him. We’ll get this sorted out.’
‘I’m worried we won’t.’ Anna sniffled. ‘There’s no way he’s taking me driving now. I don’t need the lesson anyway. I can get used to the car on my own.’
‘No, he wants to.’
‘It’s not only about the car.’ Anna’s lower lip trembled. ‘I made a mess of things. I was just emailing James to see what my options are.’
‘What are you talking about, options?’ Maggie felt a note of worry.
‘You know, like, emancipation. Noah doesn’t want me here.’ Anna’s eyes glistened. ‘You might, but he doesn’t. Coming here was a big mistake.’
‘Don’t say that, that’s not true.’ Maggie squeezed Anna’s arm, as if she could hold her in the house. ‘You’re jumping the gun, honey. It’s only the first week.’
‘But I didn’t want to mess things up for you. I just wanted to be with you and get to know you. I wanted my mom.’ Anna’s eyes spilled over, and Maggie gave her a hug.
‘And I’m here.’
‘I’m messing up your family.’
‘You are my family.’ Maggie released Anna, then motioned her up. ‘Come with me. Right now.’
‘What?’ Anna moved the laptop.
‘You’ll see.’ Maggie took Anna’s hand, led her out of the bedroom, and into the master bedroom. The room was a soothing blue that complemented a blue-chintz quilt, headboard, and curtains, a custom-made splurge. Maggie gestured to the bed. ‘Please, sit down.’
‘Why?’
‘You’ll see.’ Maggie crossed to the closet, opened the door on the left, and rummaged on her side, which was markedly messier than Noah’s side, though in her own defense, she had dresses, shoes, sweaters, scarves, purses, and skirts, and he had testosterone. She retrieved the fancy blue Lanvin shoebox from the top shelf and brought it over to the bed, opening the lid.
‘What’s this?’ Anna shifted on the bed, leaning over the box, and Maggie sat down next to her, putting the box on her lap and digging inside.
‘These are my keepsakes from when you were born.’ Maggie picked out the item on top, a plastic baby bracelet that read Ident-A-Band. ‘Here, from the hospital.’
‘Oh my God, really?’ Anna looked over, and Maggie read aloud what was written on a piece of paper inside.
‘ “Girl of Maggie I. Desroches, 3/6/2000, 8:12 pm, BKF.” That’s you.’ Maggie felt her heart lighten, thinking back. ‘You were born at eight o’clock at night. Can you imagine your wrist was ever that little?’
‘No.’ Anna giggled. ‘I’m surprised you kept it.’
‘Your baby bracelet? I bet all mothers do. It’s precious.’
Anna slipped it over her index finger. ‘So little!’
‘You were only six pounds when you were born.’
‘Is that fat or skinny?’
‘Skinny. Fat was my department.’ Maggie smiled.
‘What does BKF stand for?’
‘Bolton, Kraus, Finer. That was my OB group. Dr Finer delivered you. He was great.’ Maggie felt a twinge, thinking back. Dr Finer had been a wonderful OB, the doc who confirmed her diagnosis of postpartum psychosis, but she didn’t want to think about that now.
‘Look.’ Anna slid two fingers inside the bracelet. ‘That was my entire wrist.’
‘If I rested you on my arm, you could fit almost completely on my forearm and hand.’
Anna smiled. ‘What happened the night I was born? Did it hurt?’
‘Well, that day I felt kind of tired –’
‘Were you throwing up?’
‘Not past the first trimester.’ Maggie threw up the whole pregnancy, but enough already. ‘So I’d read somewhere that the way to induce labor was to stay really active, so I went food shopping, and I was in the produce aisle when my water broke. I basically peed myself in front of the green peppers.’
Anna squealed, covering her mouth. ‘That’s so embarrassing! Then what happened?’
‘I didn’t know what to do, I just froze, then I realized that I had to get to a hospital.’
‘Did you call Dad?’
‘No, he was out of town.’ Maggie kept her smile on, even after she remembered that Florian had been in Palo Alto, allegedly trying to raise venture capital. She would learn later that he’d cheated on her with a blond Stanfor
d senior, and Kathy would joke that he’d raised adventure capital.
‘So what did you do?’
‘I took a cab to the hospital, and Kathy met me there. You were born on your due date.’
‘Dad wasn’t there?’
‘He came later,’ Maggie answered, diplomatically. ‘He got the red eye out of San Francisco and was there just in time to say hello.’
‘Aw.’ Anna smiled, and Maggie returned to digging in the box. She pulled out a wrinkled white envelope, and on the front she had written in faded ballpoint, Anna’s First Curl.
‘You saved my hair?’ Anna laughed.
‘Sure. My mother saved my first curl, too. I have it somewhere, I think in my jewelry box.’ Maggie didn’t add that her mother had also saved her teeth, gross little nuggets bundled in a Kleenex and wrapped with a rubber band.
‘Can I see my curl?’ Anna shifted over.
‘Of course. You had such pretty hair, it was so soft and fine.’ Maggie unsealed the back of the envelope, yellowed with age.
‘When was the last time you opened this?’
‘I never have. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t open it until I got you back in my life. I’ve never even gone in this box.’
‘Aw.’ Anna smiled softly.
‘And now we get to do it together.’ Maggie swallowed hard, unglued the back flap, and looked inside the envelope. There was a flattened C-shape of a brownish curl, and all of the memories came flooding back, like a wave of emotion. ‘Wow.’
‘Let me see.’
Maggie felt herself choke up, but kept it together. ‘I remember that I used to play with that curl while you were nursing. I used to curl it around my finger.’
‘I nursed?’
‘Yes, for about three months.’ Maggie shook the curl into her palm, then moved her hand into the waning sunlight, which caught the reddish highlights amid the light brown strands.
‘So much red! I don’t have that much anymore, do I?’
‘No, your hair’s browner now. Mine got darker, too, from when I was little.’
‘Dad had a lot of red in his hair.’
‘Yes, he did.’ Maggie shook the curl back into the envelope, thinking back to the time she had first met Florian. His hair was the best thing about him. It took her a decade to learn that looks didn’t matter. The fact that Noah was handsome was just gravy. He was a good man, and he probably already felt lousy about the way he’d acted, which he should.
‘What else is in there?’ Anna peered into the box, plucked out the cotton knit hat they’d given her in the hospital, and popped it on her head. ‘Cute?’
‘Very!’ Anna put the hat back in the box, and they went through the pink card that had been on Anna’s bassinet, an unofficial birth certificate with her footprint, a cottony-white receiving blanket, and an old color photograph of Maggie as a young mother, sitting with a happy infant Anna in her lap, the both of them facing the camera.
Maggie felt a warm rush of love, showing the photograph to Anna. ‘And here we are.’
‘Aww. Who took the picture? Dad?’
‘No, Kathy.’
‘I’d like to meet her.’
‘You will.’ Maggie smiled. ‘She’s your godmother.’
Anna eyed the picture. ‘I look more like you than Dad.’
‘Yes, you do.’ Maggie smiled, returning her attention to the photo. The resemblance between mother and daughter was unmistakable, in the dimples and the grin, which was happy with a side order of goofy.
‘It was a long time ago, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, it was, and that’s the time that we lost.’ Maggie put the photo in the box, replaced the lid, and looked directly at Anna. ‘And that’s why your being here means so much to me. I prayed you would come back in my life and you have. So don’t worry about any of this fussing with Noah, okay?’
‘Okay.’ Anna nodded, with a shaky smile.
Maggie patted the box. ‘This is where we started. And this is where we belong. Together.’
Chapter Thirty-seven
Noah, After
TRIAL, DAY 5
Noah waited on the witness stand while Thomas, Linda, and Judge Gardner were still conferring. He retreated to his memories, mentally escaping the courtroom. Even bad memories were better than a murder trial, if you were the defendant.
Noah was thinking back to the night of the Range Rover fight, after his talk with Caleb. Noah had put Caleb to bed while Maggie was in their bedroom with Anna. He had gone back downstairs to clean up and by the time he’d gotten upstairs, Maggie had gone to bed, facing away from him.
Noah had undressed and slipped into his side of the bed, linking his fingers across his chest like a dead man, which was how he’d felt. Maggie hadn’t been sleeping, but she’d been waiting for him to talk first, playing marital chicken.
You awake, babe? Noah had asked softly.
What do you think?
I’m sorry. I really am. Noah had turned over, but Maggie hadn’t. She had on a T-shirt, though she always slept naked this time of year, and so did he. He’d always liked that about them as a couple.
That was terrible, Noah. You behaved terribly.
I know, and I’m sorry. I just lost it. It was only partly because of Mike. But that wasn’t all of it. Noah had still felt he’d been right about the Range Rover, but he hadn’t wanted to start all over again. No matter what I think about her getting the car, I shouldn’t have yelled like that. At you, Anna, or at Caleb. I’m sorry.
It was terrible. Maggie hadn’t turned around. She thinks she’s not welcome here. And I don’t blame her. You’re not making her feel welcome.
I know and I’m sorry.
You have to apologize to her.
I will.
I’m going to make a special dinner tomorrow night, Indian food. She told me she loves it. And it’s her first day of school. You can apologize then.
I’d be happy to, Noah had said, meaning it. His father had been one of those men who would never say he was sorry.
Can you imagine how she feels? She moves in here, having lost her father, having no sense of place at all, moving to a new state and a new family, and the welcome she gets is you yelling at her?
I understand.
We don’t yell at our kids. That’s not our values, as you say, is it?
No, I know that. Noah had heard the shakiness in her voice and realized that she might’ve been crying earlier. He’d put a hand on her shoulder, but she hadn’t moved. Normally, she would’ve turned over and they would’ve hugged or had make-up sex. That wasn’t happening tonight, so he didn’t even try. He’d removed his hand.
She was crying in her bedroom.
I’m sorry. Noah had found himself counting, that had been the fourth time he’d said he was sorry.
And what about the driving?
I’ll take her. It had galled Noah that he’d be teaching Anna to drive in that car, but whatever.
What if she doesn’t want you to, now? The car is obviously a sore spot.
I’ll convince her, I’ll say I’m sorry. Noah had ticked it off in his head. Fifth time.
I thought it was a chance for you guys to get close. I thought it was something you could share. Now it’s all ruined.
It’s not ruined, Noah had said, though it was Anna’s fault, not his.
She was looking up lawyers, too.
Why? Is she going to sue me?
It’s not funny.
Okay, fine. Noah had heard irritation creep into his voice. He’d been trying to stay patient, but there was a limit. Mike Wilson had died today. Dina had been so distraught she’d had to be sedated. Steve had asked Noah if Mike had suffered before he died. Noah hadn’t had the heart to tell him the truth.
Anna’s thinking about whether she should emancipate herself so she doesn’t have to live here. Because you’re not succeeding in making her feel welcome, and I feel like I’m cleaning up after you. Even Caleb is really trying to be nice to her. You should’ve seen the
two of them, laughing in the car.
Noah had stayed silent. He’d thought about what Caleb had said in the backyard.
You have to make this right, Noah. We need to earn her trust in the beginning. Some things you just can’t come back from. Sometimes there’s just too much damage done.
I know, and I’m sorry, Noah had said again, losing count of his apologies. He’d felt exhausted, the awful events of the day catching up with him. His eyes had begun to close, and he’d fallen into a restless sleep.
Noah looked over when he noticed Judge Gardner shifting backwards into his tall chair, then swiveling to face the jury.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, my apologies.’ The judge gestured to the courtroom deputy. ‘Please take the jury into the jury room while counsel and I sort this out. We’ll recess for twenty minutes.’
Chapter Thirty-eight
Maggie, Before
‘Come in, honey!’ Maggie opened the front door for Kathy, who held a cardboard carrier with two large cups of coffee and a bag of doughnuts.
‘Good morning.’ Kathy grinned, stepping inside in her fleece top with jeans. ‘This is so exciting! Anna is moved in and everything?’
‘Yes, isn’t it amazing? I’ll show you her room in a minute. Coffee and doughnuts first.’ Maggie led her into the kitchen, where she pulled out two stools at the island. Wreck-It Ralph sat at the far end, which was permissible, if vaguely unsanitary.
‘Meanwhile, you got a new car?’ Kathy sat down, setting the coffees and food on the island. She opened the bag and took out a doughnut oozing strawberry jelly.
‘It’s not ours, it’s Anna’s. She bought it herself, with cash.’
‘What cash?’ Kathy’s eyes flared with surprise.
‘Wait’ll you hear.’ Maggie sat down next to Kathy, took a sip of coffee, and launched into an update on Anna’s arrival, her inheritance, the Island of Misfit Toys, and the Range Rover fight.
Kathy’s brow knitted. ‘Noah yelled at you? That’s not like him.’
‘I know, he apologized.’ Maggie was trying to let it go. ‘It’s because of Mike.’
‘Give him time. He’s trying. He gave her his home office. He’ll have to adjust to having Anna here, and that can’t be helped or rushed. So cut him a break.’