Bruno _and_ Buffalmaco, _did steale a young Brawne from_ Calandrino,_and for his recovery thereof, they used a kinde of pretendedconjuration, with Pilles made of Ginger and strong Malmesey. Butinstead of this application, they gave him two Pilles of a DoggesDates, or Dowsets, confected in Alloes, which he received each afterthe other; by meanes whereof they made him beleeve, that hee had robdehimselfe. And for feare they should report this theft to his wife; theymade him to goe buy another Brawne._
The Sixt Novell.
_Wherein is declared, how easily a plaine and simple man may be made afoole, when he dealeth with crafty companions._
_Philostratus_ had no sooner concluded his Novell, and the wholeAssembly laughed heartily thereat: but the Queen gave command to Madame_Philomena_, that shee should follow next in order; whereupon thus sheebegan. Worthy Ladies, as _Philostratus_, by calling to memorie the nameof _Maso del Saggio_, hath contented you with another merry Novellconcerning him: in the same manner must I intreat you, to remember onceagaine _Calandrino_ and his subtle Consorts, by a pretty tale which Imeane to tell you; how, and in what manner they were revenged on him,for going to seeke the invisible Stone.
Needlesse were any fresh relation to you, what manner of people thosethree men were, _Calandrino, Bruno,_ and _Buffalmaco,_ because alreadyyou have had sufficient understanding of them. And therefore, as aninduction to my discourse, I must tell you, that _Calandrino_ hada small Country-house, in a Village some-what neere to _Florence_,which came to him by the marriage of his Wife. Among other Cattle andPoultry, which he kept there in store, hee had a young Boare readiefatted for Brawne, whereof yearly he used to kill one for his owneprovision; and alwaies in the month of December, he and his wiferesorted to their village house, to have a Brawne both killed andsalted.
It came to passe at this time concerning my Tale, that the Woman beingsomewhat crazie and sickly, by her Husbands unkinde usage, whereof youheard so lately; _Calandrino_ went alone to the killing of his Boare,which comming to the hearing of _Bruno_ and _Buffalmaco_, and that theWoman could by no meanes be there: to passe away the time a little inmerriment, they went to a friendlie Companion of theirs, an honestjoviall Priest, dwelling not farre off from _Calandrinoes_ Countreyhouse.
The same morning as the Boare was kilde, they all three went thither,and _Calandrino_ seeing them in the Priests companie: bad them allheartily welcome; and to acquaint them with his good Husbandry, heeshewed them his house, and the Boare where it hung. They perceyvingit to be faire and fat, knowing also, that _Calandrino_ intended tosalt it for his owne store, _Bruno_ saide unto him: Thou art an Asse_Calandrino_, sell thy Brawne, and let us make merrie with the money:then let thy wife know no otherwise, but that it was stolne from thee,by those theeves which continually haunt country houses, especially insuch scattering Villages.
Oh mine honest friends, answered _Calandrino_, your counsell is notto be followed, neither is my wife so easie to be perswaded: this werethe readiest way to make your house a hell, and she to become theMaster-Divell: therefore talke no further, for flatly I will not doeit. Albeit they laboured him very earnestly, yet all proved not to aniepurpose: onely he desired them to suppe with him, but in so colde amanner, as they denyed him, and parted thence from him. As they walkedon the way, _Bruno_ saide to _Buffalmaco_. Shall we three (this night)rob him of his Brawne? Yea marry (quoth _Buffalmaco_) how is it to bedone? I have (saide _Bruno_) alreadie found the meanes to effect it,if he take it not from the place where last we saw it. Let us doe itthen (answered _Buffalmaco_) why should we not do it? Sir Domine heereand we, will make good cheare with it among our selves. The nimblePriest was as forward as the best; and the match being fully agreedon, _Bruno_ thus spake. My delicate Sir Domine, Art and cunning mustbe our maine helps: for thou knowest _Buffalmaco_, what a covetouswretch _Calandrino_ is, glad and readie to drink alwaies on other mensexpences: let us go take him with us to the Tavern, where the Priest(for his owne honour and reputation) shall offer to make paiment of thewhole reckoning, without receiving a farthing of his, whereof he willnot be a little joyfull, so shall we bring to passe the rest of thebusinesse, because there is no body in the house, but onely himselfe:for he is best at ease without company.
As _Bruno_ had propounded, so was it accordingly performed, & when_Calandrino_ perceyved, that the Priest would suffer none to pay, buthimselfe, he dranke the more freely; and when there was no neede atall, tooke his Cuppes couragiously, one after another. Two or threehoures of the night were spent, before they parted from the Taverne,_Calandrino_ going directly home to his house, and instantly to bed,without any other supper, imagining that he had made fast his doore,which (indeede) he left wide open: sleeping soundly, without suspitionof any harme intended unto him. _Buffalmaco_ and _Bruno_ went and suptwith the Priest, and so soone as supper was ended, they tooke certaineEngines, for their better entering into _Calandrinoes_ house, and sowent on to effect theyr purpose. Finding the doore standing readieopen, they entered in, tooke the Brawne, carried it with them to thePriests house, and afterward went all to bed.
When _Calandrino_ had well slept after his Wine, he arose in themorning, and being descended downe the staires, finding the streetdoore wide open, he looked for the Brawne, but it was gone. Enquiringof the neighbours dwelling neere about him, hee could heare no tydingsof his Brawne, but became the wofullest man in the world, telling everyone that his Brawne was stolne. _Bruno_ and _Buffalmaco_ being risen inthe morning, they went to visite _Calandrino_, to heare how he tookethe losse of his Brawne: and hee no sooner had a sight of them, buthe called them to him; and with the teares running downe his cheekes,sayde: Ah my deare friendes, I am robde of my Brawne. _Bruno_ steppingclosely to him, sayde in his eare: It is wonderfull, that once in thylife time thou canst bee wise. How? answered _Calandrino_, I speake toyou in good earnest. Speake so still in earnest (replied _Bruno_) andcry it out so loud as thou canst, then let who list beleeve it to betrue.
_Calandrino_ stampt and fretted exceedingly, saying: As I am a trueman to God, my Prince, and Countrey, I tell thee truly, that my Brawneis stolne. Say so still I bid thee (answered _Bruno_) and let all theworld beleeve thee, if they list to do so, for I will not. Wouldstthou, (quoth _Calandrino_) have me damne my selfe to the divell? I seethou dost not credit what I say: but would I were hanged by the necke,if it be not true, that my Brawne is stolne. How can it possible be,replyed _Bruno_? Did not I see it in thy house yesternight? Wouldstthou have me beleeve, that it is flowne away? Although it is not flowneaway (quoth _Calandrino_) yet I am certain, that it is stolne away: forwhich I am weary of my life, because I dare not go home to mine ownehouse, in regard my wife will never beleeve it; and yet if she shouldcredite it, we are sure to have no peace for a twelvemonths space.
_Bruno_, seeming as if he were more then halfe sorrowfull, yetsupporting still his former jesting humour, saide: Now trust mee_Calandrino_, if it be so; they that did it are much too blame.If it be so? answered _Calandrino_, Belike thou wouldst have meeblaspheme Heaven, and all the Saints therein: I tell thee once againe_Bruno_, that this last night my Brawne was stolne. Be patient good_Calandrino_, replyed _Buffalmaco_, and if thy Brawne be stolne fromthee, there are means enow to get it againe. Meanes enow to get itagaine? said _Calandrino_, I would faine heare one likely one, and letall the rest go by. I am sure _Calandrino_, answered _Buffalmaco_, thouart verily perswaded, that no Theefe came from _India_, to steale thyBrawne from thee: in which respect, it must needes then be some of thyNeighbours: whom if thou couldst lovingly assemble together, I knowean experiment to be made with Bread and Cheese, whereby the party thathath it, will quickly be discovered.
I have heard (quoth _Bruno_) of such an experiment, and helde it tobe infallible; but it extendeth onely unto persons of Gentilitie,whereof there are but few dwelling heere about, and in the case ofstealing a Brawne, it is doubtfull to invite them, neither can therebe any certainty of their comming. I confesse what you say, aunswered_Buffalmaco_, to be very true: but then in this matter, so nerelyconce
rning us to be done, and for a deare Friend, what is your advice?I would have Pilles made of Ginger, compounded with your best andstrongest _Malmesey_,** then let the ordinary sort of people be invited(for such onely are most to be mistrusted) and they will not faile tocome, because they are utterly ignorant of our intention. Besides, thePilles may as well bee hallowed and consecrated, as bread and cheese onthe like occasion. Indeede you say true (replyed _Buffalmaco_) but whatis the opinion of _Calandrino_? Is he willing to have this tryall made,or no? Yes, by all meanes, answered _Calandrino_, for gladly I wouldknow who hath stolne my Brawne, and your good words have (more thenhalfe) comforted me already in this case.
Well then (quoth _Bruno_) I will take the paines to go to _Florence_,to provide all things necessarie for this secret service; but I mustbee furnished with money to effect it. _Calandrino_ had some fortyshillings then about him, which he delivered to _Bruno_, who presentlywent to _Florence_, to a frend of his an Apothecarie, of whom hebought a pound of white Ginger, which hee caused him to make uppein small Pilles: and two other beside of a Dogges-dates or Dowsets,confected all over with strong Aloes, yet well moulded in Sugare,as all the rest were: and because they should the more easily beeknowne from the other, they were spotted with Gold, in verie formalland Physicall manner. He bought moreover, a big Flaggon of the bestMalmesey, returning backe with all these things to _Calandrino_, anddirecting him in this order.
You must put some friend in trust, to invite your Neighbours (especiallysuch as you suspect) to a breakfast in the morning: and because it isdone as a feast in kindnesse, they will come to you the more willingly.This night will I and _Buffalmaco_ take such order, that the Pillesshall have the charge imposed on them, and then wee will bring themhither againe in the morning: and I my selfe (for your sake) willdeliver them to your guests, and performe whatsoever is to bee saydeor done. On the next morning, a goodly company being assembled, undera faire Elme before the Church; as well young _Florentynes_ (whopurposely came to make themselves merry) as neighbouring Husbandmenof the Village: _Bruno_ was to begin the service, with the Pils in afaire Cup, and _Buffalmaco_ followed him with another Cup, to deliverthe wine out of the Flaggon, all the company beeing set round, as ina circle; and _Bruno_ with _Buffalmaco_ being in the midst of them,_Bruno_ thus spake.
Honest friends, it is fit that I should acquaint you with the occasion,why we are thus met together, and in this place: because if anie thingmay seeme offensive to you; afterward you shall make no complaint ofme. From _Calandrino_ (our loving friend heere present) yesternightthere was a new-kild fat Brawne taken, but who hath done the deede,as yet he knoweth not; and because none other, but some one (or more)heere among us, must needs offend in this case: he, desiring tounderstand who they be, would have each man to receive one of thesePilles, and afterward to drinke of this Wine; assuring you all, thatwhosoever stole the Brawne hence, cannot be able to swallow the Pill:for it will be so extreme bitter in his mouth, as it will enforce himto Coughe and spet extraordinarily. In which respect, before such anotorious shame be received, and in so goodly an assembly, as noware heere present: it were much better for him or them that have theBrawne, to confesse it in private to this honest Priest, and I willabstaine from urging anie such publike proofe.
Every one there present answered, that they were well contented both toeate and drinke, and let the shame fall where it deserved; whereupon,_Bruno_ appointing them how they should sit, and placing _Calandrino_as one among them: he began his counterfeite exorcisme, giving eachman a Pill, and _Buffalmaco_ a Cup of Wine after it. But when he cameto _Calandrino_, hee tooke one of them, which was made of the Doggesdates or Dowsets, and delivering it into his hand, presently hee putit into his mouth and chewed it. So soone as his tongue tasted thebitter Aloes, he began to coughe and spet extreamly, as being utterlyunable, to endure the bitternesse and noysome smell. The other menthat had receyved the Pils, beganne to gaze one upon another, to seewhose behaviour should discover him; and _Bruno_ having not (as yet)delivered Pils to them all, proceeded on still in his businesse, asseeming not to heare any coughing, till one behinde him, saide. Whatmeaneth _Calandrino_ by this spetting and coughing?
_Bruno_ sodainely turning him about, and seeing _Calandrino_ to coughand spet in such sort, saide to the rest. Be not too rash (honestFriends) in judging of any man, some other matter (then the Pille) mayprocure this Coughing, wherefore he shall receive another, the better tocleare your beleefe concerning him. He having put the second preparedPill into his mouth, while _Bruno_ went to serve the rest of theGuests: if the first was exceeding bitter to his taste, this other madeit a great deale worse, for teares streamed forth of his eyes as biggeas Cherry-stones, and champing and chewing the Pill, as hoping it wouldovercome his coughing; he coughed and spette the more violently, and ingrosser manner then he did before, nor did they give him any wine tohelpe it.
_Buffalmaco, Bruno,_ and the whole company, perceiving how he continuedstill his coughing and spetting; saide all with one voyce, That_Calandrino_ was the Theefe to himselfe: and gave him manie grossespeeches beside, all departing home into their houses, very muchdispleased and angry with him. After they were gone, none remainedwith him but the Priest, _Bruno_ and _Buffalmaco_, who thus spake to_Calandrino_. I did ever thinke, that thou wast the theefe thy selfe,yet thou imputedst thy robbery to some other, for feare we should oncedrinke freely of thy purse, as thou hast done many times of ours._Calandrino_, who had not yet ended his coughing and spetting, swaremany bitter Oathes, that his Brawne was stolne from him. Talke so longas thou wilt, quoth _Buffalmaco_, thy knavery is both knowne and seene,and well thou mayst be ashamed of thy selfe. _Calandrino_ hearing this,grew desperately angry; and to incense him more, _Bruno_ thus pursuedthe matter.
Hear me _Calandrino_, for I speake to thee in honest earnest, therewas a man in the company, who did eate and drinke heere among thyneighbours, and plainly told me, that thou keptst a young Lad heere todo thee service, feeding him with such victuals as thou couldst spare,by him thou didst send away thy Brawne, to one that bought it of theefor foure Crownes, onely to cousen thy poore wife and us. Canst thounot yet learne to leave thy mocking and scorning? Thou hast forgotte,how thou broughtst us to the plaine of _Mugnone_, to seeke for blackinvisible stones: which having found, thou concealedst them to thyselfe, stealing home invisibly before us, and making us follow likefooles after thee.
Now likewise, by horrible lying Oathes, and perjured protestations,thou wouldst make us to beleeve, that the Brawne (which thou hastcunningly sold for ready money) was stolne from thee out of thy house,when thou art onely the Theefe to thy selfe, as by that excellent ruleof Art (which never faileth) hath plainly, to thy shame, appeared.Wee being so well acquainted with thy delusions, and knowing themperfectly; now do plainly tell thee, that we mean not to be foold anymore. Nor is it unknowne to thee, what paines wee have taken, in makingthis singular peece of proofe. Wherefore we inflict this punishment onthee, that thou shalt bestow on this honest Priest and us, two coupleof Capons, and a Flaggon of Wine, or else we will discover this knaveryof thine to thy Wife.
_Calandrino_ perceiving, that all his protestations could winne nocredit with them, who had now the Law remaining in their owne hands,and purposed to deale with him as they pleased: apparently saw, thatsighing and sorrow did nothing availe him. Moreover, to fall into hiswives tempestuous stormes of chiding, would bee worse to him thenracking or torturing: he gladly therefore gave them money, to buy thetwo couple of Capons and Wine, being heartily contented likewise, thathee was so well delivered from them. So the merry Priest, _Bruno_, and_Buffalmaco_, having taken good order for salting the Brawne; closelycarried it with them to _Florence_, leaving _Calandrino_ to complaineof his losse, and well requited, for mocking them with the invisiblestones.