Chapter XVIII – The Obligatory Sex Scene
Jim Stalin walked into the hotel bar, looking around for someone he knew would be there. Reizvolle Dirne was sitting in a booth nursing an oversized glass of some really foul looking alcohol. She looked up, a seriously bored expression on her face. Jim pulled out a chair and sat down next to her.
"About time you showed up," Reizvolle cooed, "I’ve been sitting here for at least an eternity."
"I had some stuff to clean up," Jim shrugged, "Movies to watch, games to play."
"Translation," Reizvolle said sexily, "The author is bored and didn’t want to write."
"Sounds about right," Jim nodded, "So he figured it would be time to get this over with. The obligatory sex scene is something that should be easy to write, as it doesn’t have to make a whole lot of sense."
"Yes," Reizvolle nodded, her eyes oozing sensuality that would be paying off eventually, "Considering I won’t even consider the man I’ve broken several dozen laws with, yet I’m sitting here having a drink and thinking about laying you out on to the floor and doing things that would get us arrested in thirty-seven states."
"Sounds entertaining," Jim said, "But that isn’t going to help the word count."
"It might," Reizvolle said brightly, "But not in a way that’s going to keep this book in a PG-13 mode like they’re trying to go for."
"True," Jim nodded, "So where does that leave us?"
"Talking for a while," Reizvolle smiled, "Maybe doing some other things…"
"Right," Jim agreed, "Where is your murderous friend?"
"Near here," Reizvolle said, "Planning on what to do next."
"As am I," Jim agreed, "So I guess your room is free."
"Maybe not free," she shrugged, "But reasonable."
"Let’s go upstairs," Jim suggested, "This bar is deadsville. We’ve got more important things to do."
"Yes," Reizvolle admitted, "We have to fumble around and swap some DNA."
They walked together up to the second floor room that Reizvolle had picked out. It was close enough to be an easy walk and far enough from all the other occupied rooms to keep the noise from annoying the neighbors. Reizvolle opened the door and showed the ultimate love pad.
"Nice," Jim said, eyeing the place and the blonde woman, "I guess this is what they call post modern sexual prowess place thingy?"
"I guess you could call it that," Reizvolle nodded, nibbling on Jim a little, "So enjoy this a bit while the author tries to describe this travesty we are calling a room."
The room was a massive spectacle of bad taste. Every bit of bad clutter you could think of from every bachelor pad in the last forty years and you would find that this room was even worse in its décor. From the lava lamps to velvet paintings to the awful black lights to mirrors all over the place this room did little but scream bad taste.
"Why did you choose this room?" Jim asked her, "It’s rather suggestive."
"I didn’t," Reizvolle said, trailing her finger down his lips, "The author chose it for me."
"It fits you," Jim said, doing something unprintable to her clothes, "I think I have something that will fit you as well…"
"Yes," Reizvolle agreed, "But there is some things we need to take care of first."
As Jim continued to do unprintable things they moved together to the ultra-cool seventies vintage record player, which Reizvolle started with some very bland make out music that served to complement the absurdity of this whole situation.
"Mmm," Jim agreed, "I can think of a few things…"
"No," Reizvolle said, stopping him with a very sexy hand, "That will come soon, but we must satisfy the thin requirements that this plot needs."
"Ah yes," Jim nodded, pulling some clothing off the hot blonde villainous type woman, "The obligatory plot related pillow talk that will take our minds off the boinking to come just long enough to reveal some much needed plot pieces."
"Exactly," Reizvolle nodded, removing some of Jim’s clothing and throwing it over a Naugahyde chair in the corner, "So what do you want to know?"
"Exactly how nice those censored look uncovered," Jim said, pulling at more clothing, "Then I’m going to censored and censored until you scream ‘Oh my censored censored censored censored!’"
"All in good time," Reizvolle said, "The sooner you actually ask about the censored plot you will get to censored me in every place you censored desire and twice in the censored."
"Mmmm," Jim nodded, "Very well. I understand why that flaccid censored you are teamed up with wants the Black Fossil. He’s probably hoping that it will fix his limp censored long enough to get it on with you. Why do you need it?"
"Power," Reizvolle smiled evilly, "Between my natural assets and the black fossil, no one will be able to stop me."
"Except me," Jim said, nibbling some more on her censored some more, "You know that, right?"
"Of course my dear," Reizvolle nodded, enjoying the attention, "This isn’t a bad way to spend an evening either."
"Alexandra is probably censored. I never got a chance to censored her," Jim said, "Such a tragedy."
"What would your wife say?" Reizvolle said, "Hmm, Mr. Stalin?"
"Elena is half a world away," Jim shrugged, "I’m doing this for god, country and the libido of every man who is reading this god awful piece of censored."
"I thought her name was Eliza," Reizvolle groaned as Jim worked on her.
"Who cares?" Jim shrugged, "Now that we have motives worked out, do we get to censored now?"
"I think we’re getting closer," Reizvolle told him, "Bite me on the censored hard! Right there! Right Now!"
This chapter has drawn on long enough. Let us suffice to say that Jim and Reizvolle spent the better part of the night censored each other in plenty of censored ways that would be illegal in thirty-four states and in the District of Columbia. Moreover, Reizvolle had one of the best epiphanies that she had ever had in the middle of censored. Jim, of course, finished in three minutes and rolled over to fall asleep right after they censored.