Chapter XIX – Adam’s Revenge
Adam Dirtpassion knew what was going on. He had to, it says right here that he did. He grabbed a few mooks from the bar, all of whom were happy to fulfill their destinies by signing on to Adam’s crew for a few notes of fake local currency. None of them expected to live through the night, but that was ok. Dying quickly beat spending anymore time in this censored book.
"Let’s go," Adam growled, getting his weapon ready, "Acme hasn’t let me down yet. Let’s get my girl out of there."
They marched up the stairs and found the room that Reizvolle had rented. Adam, being the impatient son of a censored that he was, kicked the door in and found Jim Stalin in bed with the lovely blonde vision that was Reizvolle Dirne. She looked up at him with a defiant smile on her face.
"I’m glad that’s over," Jim said, looking at Adam, "I was sick of pretending I enjoyed this."
"You realize that I’m going to have to try to kill you now," Adam Dirtpassion said, "I will deal with Reizvolle later."
"I’m familiar with the way this goes," Jim nodded, "Reizvolle is about to sell me out and I’m about to either be injured and left for dead or I’m going to go for one hell of a chase scene."
"I think I’m going to shoot you now," Adam said, "I’m sure the author will thank me for it."
"You’re welcome to try," Reizvolle said, "But seeing as we’re still talking and not lying abandoned in the slush pile somewhere I think we’re being set up to fail."
"Curses," Adam said, "Where do you get your logic?"
"Certainly not from reading this book," Jim muttered, "So what do you intend to do with me after you shoot me?"
"I’ll leave you here to rot," Adam said, "Since we’re doing the mistaken hypothesis that I’m actually going to succeed in mortally wounding you."
"More likely you’re just going to nick him a bit," Reizvolle agreed, "Maybe give him a nice sexy scar on his cheek."
"You still want to do him again!" Adam exclaimed, "Don’t you!"
"He wasn’t bad," Reizvolle said with a knowing smile, "I’ve had worse."
"You haven’t had me yet," Adam said, "Who else had you?"
"Wouldn’t you like to know" she cooed.
"So long as I’m in good company," Jim grinned, "So what are you waiting for, Adam. Going to pop your top and shoot me or what?"
"Shut up!" Adam yelled, smacking him with the butt of the fun, "You will burn for this."
"I’m quite sure we all will," Jim agreed, "But not before I escape and start another long and drawn out chase scene, this one involving several forms of snow transportation."
"Sounds like fun," Reizvolle agreed, "But we can’t let you get that far. You know too much."
"How?" Adam asked her, "Did you tell him anything?"
"Of course I did!" Reizvolle exclaimed, "Why else do you think I slept with him?"
"She told me everything," Jim grinned, seeing an opening, "And showed me a whole lot more…"
"Watch what you say about her!" Adam yelled, inexplicably trying to defend Reizvolle’s nonexistent honor, "I will kill you!"
"You keep saying that," Jim yawned, "I’m frankly getting bored of hearing you say it."
"That’s it!" Adam yelled, "You die!"
Of course, when Adam fired the gun it missed badly, the bullet sending some fluff in the air as it hit the mook to his left. The mook died quickly and quietly, surprising for a mook in this book. The other mooks knew that it was a waste of a mook, but did not want to say anything. Their deaths would come this night as well.
"Damn acme guns!" Adam yelled, "I’m going to rip you limb for limb!"
"And now for something completely different," Reizvolle muttered, blatantly ripping off Monty Python just like the rest of this book does.
Jim got up and surprisingly was wearing a rather tasteful set of boxers in keeping with the PG-13 rating that this idiotic book is for some reason trying to carry. Yes folks, we are not trying to shock ourselves into an R, we are trying to keep this idiocy accessible for the children. Why? Because we hate them, that is why. Anyway, back to the story. Jim Stalin jumped over a mook and grabbed his pants.
"Get him!" Adam yelled, "I want that son of a mailman’s pant leg dead!"
"Mailman’s pants leg?" Reizvolle asked.
"Don’t ask," Jim said, putting on his pants, "You’re better off not knowing."
Three mooks went for Jim as he continued putting on his pants. It was really a comical sight to see Jim Stalin fight off three idiotic mooks with one arm as he zipped up and buttoned his pants. Adam, who paid good fake currency for those mooks, was not as amused as Reizvolle was.
"Get some clothes on you slut," Adam growled, "I’m going in there…"
"That’s what I said to her a few minutes ago," Jim grinned as he threw a mook out the window, "Sorry about that!"
"Don’t just stand there!" Adam said to the remaining mooks, "You outnumber him!"
The mooks tried to go in, but being the mooks they were Jim managed to kill them in very graphic ways that it would be rather disgusting to describe, but they took a dental tool, three prophylactics and eleven garbage bags to clean up the mess afterwards.
"And now…" Adam said, moving towards them.
"And now I’ve got to go," Jim said, bowing, "Give Patrick Bateman my regards, Adam. It’s been fun, Reizvolle. We must spend a few minutes together again sometime."
"Goodbye," Reizvolle giggled as she watched Jim leave.
"Get dressed," Adam growled, "Come on, Mooks! We have a chase to conduct!"
Jim ran up to his own room and got dressed again in record time. He knew he did not have much time so he pulled out the character bag of holding and reconstituted Jack Wack out of the nothingness that enveloped him in that odd time frame.
"Did you censored her yet?" Jack asked him.
"A while ago," Jim nodded, "Adam is here and he’s annoyed that I got in her pants before he did."
"Figures," Jack sighed, "Why couldn’t you have brought me back after you got away from the crazy people?"
"Because you can drive," Jim grinned, "And you give me someone to banter with, thereby increasing the word count higher. These chases would be dead dull if I didn’t have you here to crack jokes with."
"Fine," Jack sighed, "So I guess we should get out of here before they come in?"
At this point they heard a cracking on the door. They looked at each other and wondered just what the heck Adam Dirtpassion was up to out there. It took a few more whacks before the head of the axe came through and Adam stuck his head in.
"Heeeeeere’s Adam!" Adam yelled, "Scared yet?"
"No," Jim said, "Not really."
"Hmmm," Adam said, "Ok, be right back…"
Adam darted down the hall, leaving Jim and Jack to look at each other again wondering just what he was going to do this time. Adam finally ran back down the hallway and stuck his head back through. This time he was wearing a black wig and a really bad fake plastic nose.
"Heeeeeere’s Jacko!" Adam yelled, "I’m going to treat you like a five year old at Neverland Ranch!"
Both Jim and Jack started screaming and ran towards the window. It was a breathtaking sight to see them fly out of this window in a puff of broken glass and dramatic music. The far away people saw a beautifully done jump that looked like it hit the pool. Unfortunately for the two stunt mooks doing the jump they missed by about ten feet and left a nice large crater.
"Man," Jim said, looking in the crater, "That was close."
"Glad we’re too important to crater out," Jack nodded, "At least not for another 16,653 words."
"True that," Jim nodded, "I think Adam looks a bit annoyed. I guess we should get out of here."
"Probably a prudent move," Jack agreed, "But how? The hotel is between us and the only car we have keys for."
"There’s a mountain full of perfectly good snow behind us," Jim said, "We’ll be sure to find several modes of transportation
so we can have one damned cool snow chase."
"Let’s rock," Jack nodded, "I think I see the first piece of chase fodder over there. That snowmobile has its keys in it if I don’t miss my guess."
"It sure does," Jim agreed, "You drive!"