“Kiddo, you don’t know how happy I am to see you.” He hugged me. “Welcome home.”
“I got your message on Sarah’s answering machine. Thanks for calling.”
“I wanted you to know we were all thinking about you. I figured it might be a little while before you could make it in.” He sat down behind his desk and I sat in a chair across from him. “I think I know why you’re here now.”
“Have you had any calls?”
He nodded. “A few. Some parents wanted to know if you’d be returning to the school. I wanted to tell them what I really thought about their supposed concerns, but I couldn’t.”
“I know, Ken.”
“I’d love to give you your old job back, but I hired someone two months after your plane went down, when we’d all lost hope of you ever being found.”
“I understand. I’m not ready to go back to work yet anyway.”
Ken leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on the desk. “People want to make things into something they’re not. It’s human nature. Lay low for a while. Let it blow over.”
“I would never do anything to harm a student, Ken.”
“I know that, Anna. I never doubted you for a minute.” He came out from behind the desk and said, “You’re a good teacher. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not.”
The halls would fill with teachers and students soon, and I wanted to slip out unnoticed. I stood up and said, “Thanks, Ken. That means a lot to me.”
“Come back again, Anna. We’d all like to spend some time with you.”
“I’ll do that.”
***
The details of the press conference spread like wildfire and it didn’t take long for our story to reach a worldwide audience. Unfortunately, most of the information was incorrect, embellished, and not even close to the truth.
Everyone had an opinion about my actions, and they discussed and debated my relationship with T.J. in chat rooms and on message boards. I provided many late night talk show hosts with monologue material, and I was the punch line of so many jokes that I stopped watching television altogether, preferring the solitude and comfort of the music and books I missed so much on the island.
T.J. took his share of ridicule, too. They laughed about his tenth grade education but said that maybe it didn’t matter considering the other things he must surely have learned from me.
I didn’t want to go out in public, worried that people would stare. “Did you know you can buy almost everything you need on the Internet?” I was sitting on the couch next to T.J., typing on Sarah’s laptop. “They’ll ship it right to your doorstep. I may never leave the house again.”
“You can’t hide forever, Anna,” T.J. said.
I typed ‘bedroom furniture’ into the Google search box and hit enter. “Wanna bet?”
The insomnia started a few weeks later. First, I had trouble falling asleep. With Sarah’s blessing, T.J. spent the night often, and I’d listen to his soft breathing, but I couldn’t relax. Then, even if I managed to fall asleep, I’d wake up at two or three in the morning and lay there until the sun came up. I had frequent nightmares, usually about drowning, and I’d wake up drenched in sweat. T.J. said I often cried out in the middle of the night.
“Maybe you should go back to the doctor, Anna.”
Exhausted and fraying, I agreed.
“Acute stress disorder,” my doctor said a few days later. “This is actually very common, Anna, especially in women. Traumatic events often trigger delayed onset insomnia and anxiety.”
“How is it treated?”
“Usually with a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and drugs. Some patients get relief from a low dose antidepressant. I could prescribe something to help you sleep.”
I had friends who had taken antidepressants and sleeping pills and they’d complained about side effects. “I’d rather not take anything if I can help it.”
“Would you consider seeing a therapist?”
I was ready to try anything if it meant getting a full night’s sleep. “Why not?”
I made an appointment with a therapist I found in the yellow pages. Her office was in an old brick building with a crumbling front step. I checked in with the receptionist, and the therapist opened the door to the waiting room and called my name five minutes later. She had a warm smile and a firm handshake. I guessed her to be in her late forties.
“I’m Rosemary Miller.”
“Anna Emerson. Nice to meet you.”
“Please have a seat.” She pointed at a couch and sat in a chair across from me, handing me one of her business cards. A lamp burned brightly on a low table next to the couch. A potted ficus tree stood near the window. Boxes of Kleenex were scattered on every available surface.
“I’ve followed your story in the news. I’m not surprised to see you here.”
“I’ve been suffering from insomnia and anxiety. My doctor suggested I try therapy.”
“What you’re experiencing is very common, given the trauma you suffered. Have you ever seen a therapist before?”
“No.”
“I’d like to start by taking a full patient history.”
“Okay.”
She droned on for forty-five minutes, asking me questions about my parents and Sarah and my relationships with them. She asked about my prior relationships with men and when I told her the bare minimum about John, she probed further, asking me to go into more detail. I fidgeted uncomfortably, wondering when we were going to get to the part where she fixed my insomnia.
“I may want to revisit some of your patient history in the coming weeks. Now I’d like to discuss your sleep habits.”
Finally.
”I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. I’m having nightmares.”
“What are the nightmares about?”
“Drowning. Sharks. Sometimes the tsunami. Usually there’s water.”
Someone knocked on the door and she glanced at her watch.
“I’m sorry. We’re out of time.”
You have got to be kidding me.
”Next week we can start some cognitive therapy exercises.”
At the rate we were going, I might not get a good night’s sleep for months. She shook my hand and walked me to the lobby. Once outside, I dropped her business card in a garbage can.
T.J. and Sarah were sitting in the living room when I got home. I plopped down on T.J.’s lap.
“How did it go?” T.J. asked
“I don’t think I’m a therapy person.”
“Sometimes it takes a while to find a good one,” Sarah said.
“I don’t think she’s a bad therapist. There’s just something else I want to try. If it doesn’t work, I’ll go back.”
I left the room and returned a few minutes later, dressed in running tights and a long sleeved T-shirt layered under a sweatshirt and nylon windbreaker. I pulled on a hat and sat down on the couch to lace up my Nikes.
“What are you doing?” T.J. asked.
“I’m going for a run.”
Chapter 54 – T.J.
I carried the last box up the stairs to Anna’s new place, a small one-bedroom apartment fifteen minutes from Sarah and David.
“Where do you want this one?” I asked when I walked through the door, shaking the rain from my hair.
“Just set it down anywhere.” She handed me a towel and I stripped off my wet T-shirt and dried myself off.
“I’m trying to find the sheets,” Anna said. “They delivered the bed while you were gone.” We searched until we found them, and I helped her put them on.
“I’ll be right back,” she said. She returned with a small object and set it on the nightstand, plugging it into a nearby outlet.
“What’s that?” I asked, lying down on the bed.
She pushed a button and the sound of ocean waves filled the room, almost drowning out the rain that beat against the window.
“It’s a sound machine. I ordered it from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.”
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She stretched out beside me. I reached for her hand and kissed the back of it, then pulled her toward me. She relaxed, her body melting into mine.
“I’m happy. Are you happy, Anna?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
I held her in my arms. Listening to the rain and the crash of the waves, I could almost pretend we were still on the island and nothing had changed.
She didn’t ask me to move in; I just never left. I spent a few nights at home, because it made my parents happy, and Anna and I stopped by a lot to hang out or have dinner. Anna took Grace and Alexis shopping a couple of times, which thrilled them both.
She wouldn’t take any money for rent so I paid for everything else, which she barely allowed. I had a trust fund my parents set up when I was younger. I would have had access to it when I turned eighteen and the money was mine now. The balance in the account would easily cover living expenses, a car, and the cost of my college education. My parents wanted to know – and they asked me all the time – what my plans were, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Anna hadn’t said anything, but I knew she wanted me to start working on my GED.
People sometimes recognized us, especially when we were together, but Anna slowly became more comfortable being out in public. We always went outside, to the park and on long walks, even though spring was still weeks away. We went to the movies and sometimes out for lunch or dinner, but Anna liked eating at home. She cooked me anything I wanted, and I slowly gained weight. She did, too. When I ran my hands over her body, I didn’t feel bones anymore. I felt soft curves.
At night, Anna laced up her running shoes and ran almost to exhaustion. She returned to the apartment, stripped off her sweaty clothes, and took a long, hot shower, joining me in bed afterward. She had just enough energy to make love and then she crashed, sleeping soundly. She still had the occasional nightmare or trouble falling asleep but nothing like before.
I liked our routine. I had no desire to change it.
***
“Ben invited me to spend the weekend with him,” I told Anna over breakfast a few weeks later.
“He’s at the University of Iowa, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I love that campus. You’ll have a great time.”
“I’m leaving Friday. I’m catching a ride with a friend of his.”
“Check out the school, not just the bars. You might want to consider going there after you finish your GED.”
I didn’t tell Anna I had no interest in a college that was in another state, away from her. Or any interest in college at all, actually.
***
A wobbly six-foot-high beer can pyramid stood in the corner of Ben’s dorm room. I stepped over empty pizza boxes and piles of dirty laundry. Textbooks, tennis shoes, and empty Mountain Dew bottles covered every inch of the floor.
“Jesus, how can you stand this?” I asked. “And did someone take a piss in your elevator?”
“Probably,” Ben replied. “Here’s your ID.”
I squinted at the driver’s license. “Since when am I five-eight, blond, and twenty-seven?”
“Since now. Are you ready to go to the bar?”
“Sure. Where do you want me to put my stuff?”
“Who cares, dude.” Ben’s roommate had gone home for the weekend so I threw my duffel bag on his bed and followed Ben out the door.
“Let’s take the stairs,” I said.
We had a good buzz going by nine o’clock. I checked my cell but there were no messages from Anna. I thought about calling her, but I knew Ben would give me shit about it so I put my phone back in my pocket.
He invited some people over to our table to do shots. No one recognized me. I blended into the crowd like any other college student, which was exactly the way I wanted it.
I sat between two very drunk girls. One of them downed a shot of vodka while the other paused, holding the glass to her lips. She leaned toward me, her eyes glassy, and said, “You’re really hot.” Then she set the shot down and puked all over the table. I jumped up and pushed my chair back.
Ben motioned for me to follow him and we walked out of the bar. I took deep breaths of the cold air to clear the smell out of my nose.
“You want to get something to eat?” he asked me.
“Always.”
“Pizza?”
“Sure.”
We sat at a table in the back. “Anna told me to check out the campus. She said I should think about coming here after I get my GED.”
“Dude, that’d be awesome. We could get our own place. Are you gonna?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
I was drunk enough to be honest with Ben. “I just want to be with her.”
“Anna?”
“Yes, dumbass. Who else?”
“What’s she want?”
The waitress came to our table and set a large pepperoni and sausage pizza down in front of us. I put two pieces on my plate and said, “I’m not sure.”
“Are you talking, like, get married and have a kid with her?”
“I’d marry her tomorrow.” I took a bite of my pizza. “Maybe we could wait a little while for the kid.”
“Will she wait?”
“I don’t know.”
Chapter 55 – Anna
Stefani and I ordered a glass of wine at the bar while we waited for a table.
“So T.J. went to visit his friend this weekend?” Stefani asked.
“Yes.” I glanced at my watch. 8:03. “My guess is they’re heading full speed toward wasted right now. At least I hope so.”
“You don’t care if he gets trashed?”
“Do you remember what we did in college?”
Stefani smiled. “How is it that we never got arrested?”
“Short skirts and dumb luck.” I took a sip of my wine. “I want T.J. to have those experiences. I don’t want him to feel like he’s missed out.”
“Are you trying to convince yourself, or me?”
“I’m not trying to convince anyone. I just don’t want to hold him back.”
“Rob and I want to meet him. If he’s important to you we’d like to get to know him.”
“Thanks. That’s really nice of you, Stef.”
“The bartender put two more glasses of wine in front of us. “These are from the guys sitting over in the corner.”
Stefani waited a minute and then grabbed her purse hanging on the back of her chair. She rummaged around inside and pulled out a mirror and lipstick, turning back around.
“Well?”
“They’re good-looking.”
“You’re married!”
“I’m not gonna go home with one of them. Besides, Rob knew I was a flirt when he married me.” She applied her lipstick and used a cocktail napkin to blot. “And no one has sent me a drink since the mid-nineties so shut up.”
“Do we have to go over and say thank you or can we just ignore them?” I asked.
“You don’t want to talk to them?”
“No.”
“Too late. Here they come.”
I looked over my shoulder as they approached.
“Hi,” one of them said.
“Hi. Thank you for the wine.”
His friend chatted with Stefani. I rolled my eyes when she flipped her hair and giggled.
“I’m Drew.” He had brown hair and he was wearing a suit and tie. He looked like he was in his mid to late thirties. Attractive, if you liked the banker type.
“Anna.” We shook hands.
“I recognized you from your picture in the paper. That was quite an ordeal. I assume you’re tired of talking about it.”
“I am.”
The conversation stalled so I took a sip of my wine.
“Are you waiting for a table?” he asked.
“Yes. It should be ready soon.”
“Maybe we can join you?”
“I’m sorry, not tonight. I just want to spend time with my friend.”
“Sure. I
understand. Maybe I could get your phone number.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh come on,” he said, smiling and turning on the charm. “I’m a nice guy.”
“I’m seeing someone.”
“That was fast.” He looked at me strangely. “Wait, you don’t mean that kid, do you?”
“He’s not a kid.”
“Yes he is.”
Stefani tapped me on the shoulder. “Our table is ready.”
“Thanks again for the wine. Excuse me.” I grabbed my purse and coat, slid off the bar stool, and followed Stefani.
“What did he say to you?” Stefani asked when we sat down at the table. “You didn’t look thrilled with him.”
“He discovered I wasn’t single. Then he called T.J. a kid.”
“His ego is probably a bit bruised.”
“T.J. is young, Stefani. When people look at him, they don’t see what I see. They see a kid.”
“What do you see?” Stefani asked.
“I just see T.J.”
He came home Sunday night, tired and hung over. He set his bag down on the floor and pulled me into his arms. I gave him a long kiss.
“Wow,” he said. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me back.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you, too.”
“How was it?”
“His dorm room is a pit, a girl almost puked on me, and somebody peed in the elevator.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Really?”
“I gotta tell you. I wasn’t super impressed.”
“You’d probably feel differently if you’d gone to college right after high school.”
“But I didn’t, Anna. And I’m still behind.”
Chapter 56 – T.J.
“I don’t have to wear a tie, do I?”
I had on a pair of khakis and a white button down dress shirt. A navy blue sport coat lay across the bed. We were meeting Stefani and her husband Rob for dinner, and I was already more dressed up than I wanted to be.
“You probably should,” Anna said, walking into the bedroom.
“Do I have a tie?”
“I bought you one when Stefani told me where they wanted to go for dinner.” She reached into her closet and pulled it out, threading it through the collar of my shirt and tying it for me.