Shall I, however, own all my folly? I never found this pleasure inseeing her when you were present: on the contrary, your attention toher gave me pain: I was jealous of every look; I even saw her amiablequalities with a degree of envy, which checked the pleasure I shouldotherwise have found in her conversation.
There is always, I fear, some injustice mixed with love, at leastwith love so ardent and tender as mine.
You, my Rivers, will however pardon that injustice which is a proofof my excess of tenderness.
Madame Des Roches has promised to write to me: indeed I will loveher; I will conquer this little remain of jealousy, and do justice tothe most gentle and amiable of women.
Why should I dislike her for seeing you with my eyes, for having asoul whose feelings resemble my own?
I have observed her voice is softened, and trembles like mine, whenshe names you.
My Rivers, you were formed to charm the heart of woman; there ismore pleasure in loving you, even without the hope of a return, than inthe adoration of all your sex: I pity every woman who is so insensibleas to see you without tenderness. This is the only fault I ever foundin Bell Fermor: she has the most lively friendship for you, but she hasseen you without love. Of what materials must her heart be composed?
No other man can inspire the same sentiments with my Rivers; noother man can deserve them: the delight of loving you appears to me sosuperior to all other pleasures, that, of all human beings, if I wasnot Emily Montague, I would be Madame Des Roches.
I blush for what I have written; yet why blush for having a soul todistinguish perfection, or why conceal the real feelings of my heart?
I will never hide a thought from you; you shall be at once theconfidant and the dear object of my tenderness.
In what words--my Rivers, you rule every emotion of my heart;dispose as you please of your Emily: yet, if you allow her to form awish in opposition to yours, indulge her in the transport of returningyou to your friends; let her receive you from the hands of a mother,whose happiness you ought to prefer even to hers.
Why will you talk of the mediocrity of your fortune? have you notenough for every real want? much less, with you, would make your Emilyblest: what have the trappings of life to do with happiness? 'tis onlysacrificing pride to love and filial tenderness; the worst of humanpassions to the best.
I have a thousand things to say, but am forced to steal this momentto write to you: we have some French ladies here, who are eternallycoming to my apartment.
They are at the door. Adieu!
Yours, Emily Montague.
LETTER 138.
To the Earl of ----.
Silleri, May 12.
It were indeed, my Lord, to be wished that we had here schools, atthe expence of the public, to teach English to the rising generation:nothing is a stronger tie of brotherhood and affection, a greatercement of union, than speaking one common language.
The want of attention to this circumstance has, I am told, had theworst effects possible in the province of New York, where the people,especially at a distance from the capital, continuing to speak Dutch,retain their affection for their ancient masters, and still look ontheir English fellow subjects as strangers and intruders.
The Canadians are the more easily to be won to this, or whateverelse their own, or the general good requires, as their noblesse havethe strongest attachment to a court, and that favor is the great objectof their ambition: were English made by degrees the court language, itwould soon be universally spoke.
Of the three great springs of the human heart, interest, pleasure,vanity, the last appears to me much the strongest in the Canadians; andI am convinced the most forcible tie their noblesse have to France, istheir unwillingness to part with their croix de St. Louis: might nottherefore some order of the same kind be instituted for Canada, andgiven to all who have the croix, on their sending back the ensignsthey now wear, which are inconsistent with their allegiance as Britishsubjects?
Might not such an order be contrived, to be given at the discretionof the governor, as well to the Canadian gentlemen who merited most ofthe government, as to the English officers of a certain rank, and suchother English as purchased estates, and settled in the country? and, togive it additional lustre, the governor, for the time being, be alwayshead of the order?
'Tis possible something of the same kind all over America might bealso of service; the passions of mankind are nearly the same everywhere: at least I never yet saw the soil or climate, where vanity didnot grow; and till all mankind become philosophers, it is by theirpassions they must be governed.
The common people, by whom I mean the peasantry, have been greatgainers here by the change of masters; their property is more secure,their independence greater, their profits much more than doubled: it isnot them therefore whom it is necessary to gain.
The noblesse, on the contrary, have been in a great degree undone:they have lost their employs, their rank, their consideration, and manyof them their fortunes.
It is therefore equally consonant to good policy and to humanitythat they should be considered, and in the way most acceptable to them;the rich conciliated by little honorary distinctions, those who areotherwise by sharing in all lucrative employs; and all of them bybearing a part in the legislature of their country.
The great objects here seem to be to heal those wounds, which pastunhappy disputes have left still in some degree open; to unite theFrench and English, the civil and military, in one firm body; to raisea revenue, to encourage agriculture, and especially the growth of hempand flax; and find a staple, for the improvement of a commerce, whichat present labors under a thousand disadvantages.
But I shall say little on this or any political subject relating toCanada, for a reason which, whilst I am in this colony, it would looklike flattery to give: let it suffice to say, that, humanly speaking,it is impossible that the inhabitants of this province should beotherwise than happy.
I have the honor to be, My Lord, &c. William Fermor.
LETTER 139.
To Mrs. Temple, Pall Mall.
Silleri, May 20.
I confess the fact, my dear; I am, thanks to papa, amazinglylearned, and all that, for a young lady of twenty-two: yet you willallow I am not the worse; no creature breathing would ever find it out:envy itself must confess, I talk of lace and blond like anotherchristian woman.
I have been thinking, Lucy, as indeed my ideas are generally alittle pindaric, how entertaining and improving would be the history ofthe human heart, if people spoke all the truth, and painted themselvesas they really are: that is to say, if all the world were as sincereand honest as I am; for, upon my word, I have such a contempt forhypocrisy, that, upon the whole, I have always appeared to have fewergood qualities than I really have.
I am afraid we should find in the best characters, if we withdrewthe veil, a mixture of errors and inconsistencies, which would greatlylessen our veneration.
Papa has been reading me a wise lecture, this morning, on playingthe fool: I reminded him, that I was now arrived at years of_indiscretion_; that every body must have their day; and that thosewho did not play the fool young, ran a hazard of doing it when it wouldnot half so well become them.
_A propos_ to playing the fool, I am strongly inclined tobelieve I shall marry.
Fitzgerald is so astonishingly pressing--Besides, some how orother, I don't feel happy without him: the creature has something of amagnetic virtue; I find myself generally, without knowing it, on thesame side the room with him, and often in the next chair; and lay athousand little schemes to be of the same party at cards.
I write pretty sentiments in my pocket-book, and carve his name ontrees when nobody sees me: did you think it possible I could be such anideot?
I am as absurd as even the gentle love-sick Emily.
I am thinking, my dear, how happy it is, since most human beingsdiffer so extremely one from another, that heaven has given us the samevariety in our tastes.
You
r brother is a divine fellow, and yet there is a sauciness aboutFitzgerald which pleases me better; as he has told me a thousandtimes, he thinks me infinitely more agreable than Emily.
Adieu! I am going to Quebec.
Yours, A. Fermor.
LETTER 140.
To Mrs. Temple, Pall Mall.
May 20, Evening.
_Io triumphe!_ A ship from England! You can have no idea ofthe universal transport at the sight; the whole town was on the beach,eagerly gazing at the charming stranger, who danced gaily on the waves,as if conscious of the pleasure she inspired.
If our joy is so great, who preserve a correspondence with Europe,through our other colonies, during the winter, what must that of theFrench have been, who were absolutely shut up six months from the restof the world?
I can scarce conceive a higher delight than they must have felt atbeing thus restored to a communication with mankind.
The letters are not delivered; our servant stays for them at thepost-office; we expect him every moment: if I have not volumes fromyou, I shall be very angry.
He comes. Adieu! I have not patience to wait their being brought upstairs.
Yours, A. Fermor.
They are here; six letters from you; I shall give three of them toEmily to read, whilst I read the rest: you are very good, Lucy, and Iwill never call you lazy again.
LETTER 141.
To Miss Fermor, at Silleri.
Pall Mall, April 8.
Whilst I was sealing my letter, I received yours of the 1st ofFebruary.
I am excessively alarmed, my dear, at the account it gives me ofMiss Montague's having broke with her lover, and of my brother'sextreme affection for her.
I did not dare to let my mother see that letter, as I am convincedthe very idea of a marriage which must for ever separate her from a sonshe loves to idolatry, would be fatal to her; she is altered since hisleaving England more than you can imagine; she is grown pale and thin,her vivacity has entirely left her. Even my marriage scarce seemed togive her pleasure; yet such is her delicacy, her ardor for hishappiness, she will not suffer me to say this to him, lest it shouldconstrain him, and prevent his making himself happy in his own way. Ioften find her in tears in her apartment; she affects a smile when shesees me, but it is a smile which cannot deceive one who knows her wholesoul as I do. In short, I am convinced she will not live long unless mybrother returns. She never names him without being softened to adegree not to be expressed.
Amiable and lovely as you represent this charming woman, and greatas the sacrifice is she has made to my brother, it seems almost crueltyto wish to break his attachment to her; yet, situated as they are, whatcan be the consequence of their indulging their tenderness at present,but ruin to both?
At all events, however, my dear, I intreat, I conjure you, to pressmy brother's immediate return to England; I am convinced, my mother'slife depends on seeing him.
I have often been tempted to write to Miss Montague, to use herinfluence with him even against herself.
If she loves him, she will have his true happiness at heart; shewill consider what a mind like his must hereafter suffer, should hisfondness for her be fatal to the best of mothers; she will urge, shewill oblige him to return, and make this step the condition ofpreserving her tenderness.
Read this letter to her; and tell her, it is to her affection for mybrother, to her generosity, I trust for the life of a parent who isdearer to me than my existence.
Tell her my heart is hers, that I will receive her as my guardianangel, that we will never part, that we will be friends, that we willbe sisters, that I will omit nothing possible to make her happy with mybrother in England, and that I have very rational hopes it may be intime accomplished; but that, if she marries him in Canada, and suffershim to pursue his present design, she plants a dagger in the bosom ofher who gave him life.
I scarce know what I would say, my dear Bell; but I am wretched; Ihave no hope but in you. Yet if Emily is all you represent her--
I am obliged to break off: my mother is here; she must not see thisletter.
Adieu! your affectionate Lucy Temple.
LETTER 142.
To Mrs. Temple, Pall Mall.
Silleri, May 21.
Your letter of the 8th of April, my dear, was first read by Emily,being one of the three I gave her for that purpose, as I beforementioned.
She went through it, and melting into tears, left the room withoutspeaking a word: she has been writing this morning, and I fancy to you,for she enquired when the mail set out for England, and seemed pleasedto hear it went to-day.
I am excessively shocked at your account of Mrs. Rivers: assure her,in my name, of your brother's immediate return; I know both him andEmily too well to believe they will sacrifice her to their ownhappiness: there is nothing, on the contrary, they will not sufferrather than even afflict her.
Do not, however, encourage an idea of ever breaking an attachmentlike theirs; an attachment founded less in passion than in thetenderest friendship, in a similarity of character, and a sympathy themost perfect the world ever saw.
Let it be your business, my Lucy, to endeavor to make them happy,and to remove the bars which prevent their union in England; and dependon seeing them there the very moment their coming is possible.
From what I know of your brother, I suppose he will insist onmarrying Emily before he leaves Quebec; but, after your letter, whichI shall send him, you may look on his return as infallible.
I send all yours and Temple's letters for your brother to-day: youmay expect to hear from him by the same mail with this.
I have only to say, I am, A. Fermor.
LETTER 143.
To Colonel Rivers, at Quebec.
London, April 8.
My own happiness, my dear Rivers, in a marriage of love, makes meextremely unwilling to prevent your giving way to a tenderness, whichpromises you the same felicity, with so amiable a woman as both youand Bell Fermor represent Miss Montague to be.
But, my dear Ned, I cannot, without betraying your friendship, andhazarding all the quiet of your future days, dispense with myself fromtelling you, though I have her express commands to the contrary, thatthe peace, perhaps the life, of your excellent mother, depends on yourgiving up all thoughts of a settlement in America, and returningimmediately to England.
I know the present state of your affairs will not allow you to marrythis charming woman here, without descending from the situation youhave ever held, and which you have a right from your birth to hold, inthe world.
Would you allow me to gratify my friendship for you, and shew, atthe same time, your perfect esteem for me, by commanding, what ourlong affection gives you a right to, such a part of my fortune as Icould easily spare without the least inconvenience to myself, we mightall be happy, and you might make your Emily so: but you have alreadyconvinced me, by your refusal of a former request of this kind, thatyour esteem for me is much less warm than mine for you; and that you donot think I merit the delight of making you happy.
I will therefore say no more on this subject till we meet, than thatI have no doubt this letter will bring you immediately to us.
If the tenderness you express for Miss Montague is yet conquerable,it will surely be better for both it should be conquered, as fortunehas been so much less kind to each of you than nature; but if yourhearts are immoveably fixed on each other, if your love is of the kindwhich despises every other consideration, return to the bosom offriendship, and depend on our finding some way to make you happy.
If you persist in refusing to share my fortune, you can have noobjection to my using all my interest, for a friend and brother sodeservedly dear to me, and in whose happiness I shall ever find my own.
Allow me now to speak of myself; I mean of my dearer self, youramiable sister, for whom my tenderness, instead of decreasing, growsevery moment stronger.
Yes, my friend, my sweet Lucy is every hour more an angel: herdesire
of being beloved, renders her a thousand times more lovely; acountenance animated by true tenderness will always charm beyond allthe dead uninformed features the hand of nature ever framed; loveembellishes the whole form, gives spirit and softness to the eyes, themost vivid bloom to the complexion, dignity to the air, grace to everymotion, and throws round beauty almost the rays of divinity.
In one word, my Lucy was always more lovely than any other woman;she is now more lovely than even her former self.
You, my Rivers, will forgive the over-flowings of my fondness,because you know the merit of its object.
Adieu! We die to embrace you!
Your faithful J. Temple.
LETTER 144.
To Mrs. Temple, Pall Mall.
Silleri, May 21.
Your letter, Madam, to Miss Fermor, which, by an accident, was firstread by me, has removed the veil which love had placed before mineeyes, and shewed me, in one moment, the folly of all those dear hopes Ihad indulged.
You do me but justice in believing me incapable of suffering yourbrother to sacrifice the peace, much less the life, of an amiablemother, to my happiness: I have no doubt of his returning to Englandthe moment he receives your letters; but, knowing his tenderness, Iwill not expose him to a struggle on this occasion: I will myself,unknown to him, as he is fortunately absent, embark in a ship which haswintered here, and will leave Quebec in ten days.