CHAPTER I.
THE QUACK DOCTOR.
"Well, you godless reprobate," began the mayor, addressing theprisoner, when the court was assembled the next day for a furtherhearing of the remarkable case, "you have come to the last of yourcrimes; you have illustrated how the seven mortal sins may be trebled,and how the perpetrator may clear himself of the entire twenty-one, ifhe possesses a fluent tongue. With your entertaining fables you haveunderstood how to extend the time of your trial five months and twoweeks, believing, no doubt, that the Frenchmen would in the meantimeseize the fortress and save you from the gallows. But that has notcome to pass. Only one more indictment remains on your list--Treason.I don't believe you will be able to talk yourself out of that! But wewill now hear you make the attempt."
The prisoner bowed and summoned to his aid the muse, by whose help hehad wrested from death one day after another, to assist him win yetanother twenty-four hours in God's beautiful world.
As the honorable gentlemen of the court are aware, I entered intoservice here, after I deserted from the French camp at Lille--and Ihave tried to do my duty faithfully, as becomes a good soldier--
"I must say"--interrupted the prince with considerable stress--"youwere the best gunner in my artillery."
After he had thanked his highness for the compliment, the prisonerresumed:
One day, while I was deeply absorbed in my technical studies, a quackdoctor was brought to my quarters. He had announced that he was mymessenger to the camp of the enemy, and that he had returned with someimportant information for me.
He was an imposter; I had not employed any one to perform such errandsfor me. I ordered the fellow to be brought before me. He was of low,but vigorous stature, with a crafty countenance, and cunning leer. Hehad with him an entire apothecary's outfit: a chest filled with allsorts of oils, extracts, unguents, and pills.
The fellow laughed in my face and said in an impudent tone:
"Well, comrade, don't you know me?".
"No; I have never before seen your ugly phiz," I replied, a trifleangrily.
"Nor have I _seen_ yours; but I know you for all that--Belphegor."
I was startled. "You are Behoric?" I exclaimed. I sent the orderlyfrom the room, then asked:
"How did you manage to find me? You never saw me without a mask."
"I will tell you: I have two magic rings; one I wear on the littlefinger of my right hand; the other on the little finger of my lefthand, both with the setting turned inward. If I say to the rings: 'Iwant to find my blood-comrade, Belphegor,' one of them turns around onmy finger and the setting shows me the way I must go. If I arrive at apoint where two roads meet, the other ring shows me which to take.That is how I came here."
The explanation did not altogether satisfy me--the fellow's face mademe doubt the truth of it; but I could not deny that I was hisblood-comrade. Besides, I entertained a sort of affection for him; wehad been good comrades, and had not drank each other's blood fornothing.
"Well," said I, after deliberating a moment, "what brings youhere?--here, where nothing is to be got but fiery bullets."
"I came to ask you to exchange bodies."
"Why do you wish to exchange?"
"The leader has ordered it."
"Do you still belong to the satyrs?"
"Yes--and so do you. It is not a disease from which one can recover;nor an office one may resign. It is not a garment one may cast aside;nor a wife one may divorce. In a word, once a satyr, always a satyr."
"I pledged only my body, not my soul," I interrupted.
"And it isn't your soul I want, comrade; only your body. You may carryyour soul in my body, and go whithersoever it may please you towander."
"But, what shall I do while in your body?"
"You will do what I should do: sell theriac and arsenic; _lapisnephriticus_, _nostra paracelsi_, apoponax, and salamanderointment--for all of which you will receive good, hard coin from thecredulous fools who will be your customers. It is the easiest life inthe world!"
"But I don't know the least thing about your medicaments, and couldn'ttell what any of them would heal or cure."
"Oh, you need not trouble your head about that! Just take a look intothis chest. See--here in the different compartments are arrangedvarious bottles, vials and boxes, with the names of their contentsabove them. These tiny letters under each one, which cannot be readwithout the aid of a magnifying glass, are the names of the diseasesfor which the contents of the bottles, vials, and boxes are infallibleremedies. When a patient applies to you, listen what he has to say;then, diagnose the disease, consult your microscopic directions, anddose him according to his ability to pay."
"And how long will I have to wear your hideous form and let you occupymy stately proportions?" I asked.
"Until we both desire to exchange again. I will give you one of mymagic rings and I'll keep the other. If you turn the ring on yourfinger at the same moment I turn mine, then the exchange will beeffected, no matter how far apart our bodies may be. Now, take thisring, and summon your orderly. Bid him escort me to the gate, and giveme a glass of brandy before he lets me depart."
I obeyed these directions and, after a few minutes, the burning in mythroat convinced me that I was in Behoric's squat body; that heoccupied my taller shell I found very shortly.
Hardly had the exchange taken place, when a bombardier came toannounce that the second cannon in the third battery had burst,whereupon Behoric in my body answered:
"Boil some glue, and stick the pieces together; then wind some stouttwine around the cannon to prevent it from bursting again."
At these directions the bombardier and the orderly exchanged glancesand snickered.
"This won't do at all," I said to myself, so I whispered to my figure:"Behoric, just change back again for a second, will you?"
Each turned the ring on his finger, and I was again I.
"Take the broken cannon to the arsenal," I said to the grinningbombardier, "and put in its place one of the bronze pieces fromchamber number IV. Why do you laugh, idiot?"
Then Behoric and I exchanged again, and I found myself trudging in hisbody down the hill from the fortress, with the medicine chest on myback. I was obliged to pass through the beleaguerer's camp, and,naturally, was commanded to halt. When they spoke to me I could notunderstand them--I, who am perfectly familiar with French, Latin,English, Polish, Russian, Turkish, Indian, Dutch--I, with Behoric'suntutored ears, and with his inability to converse in any language butthe German, could not understand a word the Frenchmen said to me. Thecolonel was obliged to send for an interpreter.
"Have you been inside the fortress?" I was asked.
"I have."
"Did you deliver to the chief gunner what I sent with you?"
"I did."
"Will he do what I ask?"
"He will."
Here, to my great surprise--for I had done nothing to earn it--thecolonel pressed fifty thalers into my palm, and motioned me to pass onmy way.
I wandered out into the world, trudged from city to city, selling thecontents of my chest, until I came to Madgeburg, where, havingaccumulated a considerable sum of money, I bought a horse and wagon. Icould now travel about with greater convenience and speed than whenforced to carry the heavy medicine-chest on my back. I also hired anassistant to blow a trumpet when I wanted to collect a crowd around mywagon.
I became so well satisfied with the pleasant life I now led, nothought of changing back to my own body ever occurred to me. Myblood-comrade might keep it, and continue to fire cannon fromEhrenbreitstein--I was quite content with my quack-doctoring, and withhis anatomy.
And a wonderfully shrewd and sensible little anatomy it was! My owndid not contain a tenth part the sense that was in his. Therefore, Iconsidered it my duty to bestow the best of care on it. I fattened itwith the same attention to details I would have observed had it beenmy own and I was amply able to supply it with everything that wasnecessary to increase its bulk.
I had all t
he money I wanted. The regular doctors became impoverished;for, to me alone would the people apply for help--and I must say theremedies I sold accomplished wonders.
One day, however, a misfortune occurred to me. I was selling mymiracle-cures in the market place in Madgeburg as fast as I and myassistant could hand them out, when some one--a wretch hired by theenvious doctors, no doubt--thrust a piece of burning sponge into theear of my horse. You may guess the result.
The horse ran away, the wagon was upset, and my medicaments scatteredin all directions.
My neck was not broken, but what happened was almost as bad. When Icame to replace the medicaments in the chest, I found that I could notremember just where each bottle, vial, and box properly belonged.However, I made a guess of it, and put them back where I thought theyought to be. I made a good many mistakes, though, judging by some ofthe very peculiar effects the remedies produced after the accident.
The syndic, whose right leg was shorter than the left, sent for me toremedy the defect. I was a little fuddled from having emptied a bottleof good French wine just before I quitted my lodgings; and, instead ofrubbing the elongating ointment on the shorter limb, I applied it tothe longer one; the consequence of which was: the longer leg increasedto such a length that the worthy syndic, when he wanted to sit down,had to perch himself on the buffet, and would bump his head againstthe ceiling every step he took. He threatened to shoot me.
A second mischance occurred when I was called to attend the presidentof the Board of Trade. He had the gout in both feet and could not movewithout crutches. I had a certain remedy for that fell disease, aremedy so powerful that only a very small portion, about the size of apea, was required to embrocate an afflicted member. Thinking to hastenthe cure, I applied half the contents of a box to each foot, whichmade the old gentleman so active and nimble, he was forced, for atime, to take the position of runner for the Elector of Brandenburg,because he could not keep his feet still; nor could he sit anywherebut at a loom, where he might stamp his feet continually; and atnight, when he wanted to go to sleep he had to be bound to atread-mill.
Two other wonderfully efficacious remedies were: a wash to force aluxuriant crop of curling hair to grow on a bald head; the other, ifapplied to toothless jaws, would cause new teeth to appear.
The result of getting these two remedies misplaced was: the tooth-washwas used on the bald head of a man; and the hair-restorative on thetoothless jaws of a woman. Instead of hair, two beautiful hornsappeared on the man's head; while the woman grew a mustache that wouldhave roused the envy of a drum-major.
But these cases were nothing compared to what happened to the wife ofthe chief justice. She was afflicted with severe paroxysms ofhiccoughing, and I was summoned to relieve her. There was in my chesta remedy for such an attack; but, having been misplaced, I got hold ofthe wrong box, and administered to the sufferer a dose of pillsintended to force obstinate hens to produce eggs. In less than sixweeks that unfortunate lady gave birth to seven living children--
"I don't believe it! I don't believe a single word of it!" interruptedthe prince, who had almost burst his belt with laughing. "You areasking too much if you expect us to credit such outrageous fables."
Here the chair remarked with great seriousness: "Beg pardon, yourhighness: but there are authentic records of similar cases. InHungary, the wife of a Count Miczbanus gave birth at one time toseven living sons, all of whom lived to grow up."
"She certainly took some of the prisoner's hen pills," laughinglyresponded his highness.
The prisoner continued:
Naturally mistakes of this sort roused the animosity of the patients;but, none were so enraged as was the burgomaster. His case, indeed,capped the climax! I had two miraculous cures: one would cause todisappear from the human nose pimples, warts and all other disfiguringexcrescences; the other would transform silver into gold.
The burgomaster possessed a large silver snuff-box and an exceedinglyprominent and highly-colored nose which was covered with unsightlypimples. He sent for me in secret and bade me test the efficacy of thetwo miracle-cures on his snuff-box and on his nose.
Like some of the other remedies, these two had also changed places, inconsequence of which, the burgomaster's nose turned to gold, while thesnuff-box vanished as if from the face of the earth.
This cure so amused the prince he could hardly gasp:
"Enough--enough!--no more today! We will hear the rest tomorrow--I amfaint with laughing."
The court adjourned until the following day, when the prisoner resumedhis confession:
As might be expected, this last mistake of mine caused a dispute toarise. The burgomaster, however, was not so angry because his nose hadchanged to gold; but nothing would console him for the loss of hissnuff-box. He actually accused me of stealing it!
Had the worthy man been versed in the science of chemistry, he wouldhave known that there are substances which absorb, and consume, eachother. For instance: _argentum vivum_ will dissipate _aurum_; and_aqua fortis_ will consume silver as will a starving cow barley. Thisis called _occulta qualitas_.
The citizens of Madgeburg, however, are not clever enough tocomprehend matters so transcendental in character. I was summoned toappear before the mayor, who, being father-in-law to a doctor,sentenced me, out of spite, to be flogged in public.
This did not suit me at all, so I said to myself: "Now, friendBehoric, I have been content to occupy your carcass without murmuring,so long as nothing more was required of me than to stuff it withliver-pasties and oysters; but, when it comes to having the hidetickled with a cat-o'-nine tails, then you had better come back intoit!"
I was already bound to the pillory and the executioner had bared myback, revealing the marks of former scourging--of which I couldremember nothing as they were on Behoric's body.
When the executioner saw that the whip would not be new to myblood-comrade's hide, he sent for a heavier scourge, the ends of whichterminated with barbed nails.
"Now, Behoric," I said, "you must take this flogging yourself."
My hands being bound together, I had no difficulty turning the ring onmy little finger. I had given it but one turn, when, to my great joy,I found myself in my own body, in my casemate in Ehrenbreitsteinfortress; and before me stood his honor, here, with an empty fire-ballin one hand; in the other, what he called the "proofs of my treason."
I guessed at once what my blood-comrade had been doing, what crime hehad committed while occupying my body.
The Frenchmen, who are leagued with the Bocksritter, had sent Behoricto the fortress, to take my place, and inform them what was going onin here. When he found that his crime had been discovered by hishonor, the mayor, he said to himself: "It is time for Belphegor toreturn to his body;" and, as it happened, he turned his ring at thesame moment I turned the one on my finger.
I can imagine his consternation when he found himself in the pilloryin Madgeburg, with his back bared for the scourge; and I have to laughevery time I think of the grimaces he must have made when the barbednails cut into his scarred hide!
This, your highness, and honorable gentlemen of the court, is thestrictly veracious history of my last capital crime.